


Tipping Point

by KFawkes



Series: Chaos Bleeds [2]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Colonist (Mass Effect), F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Light Angst, Mass Effect 2, No Shepard without Vakarian, Original Character(s), POV Garrus Vakarian, Paragon Commander Shepard, Turians
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-09-01
Packaged: 2018-11-08 16:37:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 16
Words: 93,234
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11085618
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KFawkes/pseuds/KFawkes
Summary: Commander Jane Shepard wakes up in a Cerberus lab, pieced together by scientists. It's only been weeks for her, but for everyone else it's been years. After realizing civilizations only hope for survival would be to work for the enemy she complies, but fighting a war is better won with loved ones.





	1. Now is the Winter of our Discontent

**Author's Note:**

> Jane Shepard story perimeters: 
> 
> \- Colonist/Earthborn, at 16 she lived on the streets of Olor until enlisting with the Alliance at 18.  
> \- War Hero  
> \- Primarily Paragon path, occasional Renegade.

It had been three weeks since Garrus left Shepard standing on the Docking Bay. He had mostly settled back into the routine life of a C-Sec officer, and was only a few more weeks away from starting Spectre training. He had always planned on reapplying at some point, but after the Battle of the Citadel he was offered a position in the next round of training. It was hard to imagine his life would change as much as it did in those last several months. It was weird how quickly it could happen…

Remembering the man he was before he had met Shepard, the reputation he had amongst the other officers, and even the criminals of the Citadel… But he wasn’t that same young hothead from before. He had grown into an exceptional combatant, a skilled technician. He may have always been pretty gifted with a gun, but all of his missions alongside Shepard had taught him more than his days at C-Sec, or his father ever had. Not just about the battle, but about himself. He was going to make a difference, and he wouldn’t compromise himself this time to do it. He was going do it right.

As much as he wanted to pursue life as a Spectre, he found himself feeling emptier with each passing day. Since he left Shepard up there, he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was very, very wrong. That that night would be the last time he would see her. The two of them hadn’t exactly left things settled… There was still a lot of confusion about what exactly they were. What even were they? He knew that what they had went far beyond anything physical. They may have had an undeniable attraction to each other, but before any of that there was friendship. Trust. Understanding. Whether he was to stay a friend or grow into something else, he didn’t know. He didn’t even really care, just as long as she would be around. If he could be at her six for the rest of his days, he would be happy… But he needed to see this through. He had an offer he couldn’t refuse and if anything were to happen between them- well, they could deal with it then.

Sitting at his desk in the lower levels of C-Sec he responded to all the messages he had accumulated over the last few months. He didn’t bother checking the messages sent through C-Sec channels, because technically he wasn’t really working for the Citadel at that time. He always had been bad about checking his mail now that he thought about it. But anyone that he wanted to have contact with knew how to get ahold of him. Shepard was one of those people. They hadn’t seen each other since her departure, but they would send messages via omni-tool at least once a day and occasionally he’d get a video call. Life was busy for him after the attack, and Shepard had been off dealing with the remaining geth forces. No matter how busy though, they always made time to correspond; even if it were but a few words.

The repetitiveness that became his life grew increasingly dissatisfying. He may have been happy to know he was alongside Shepard during that final battle, knowing he made a difference… But that didn’t make returning to the boring life of an officer any better. In fact, it probably made things worse. He had even become sorta famous around the office, his father even called to tell him congratulations… Even with all the praise and admiration, he still felt like something was missing. He didn’t have to think long to figure out what it was.

It was Shepard. It was the Normandy. It was everyone. He had gotten so used to life on a ship, life on that ship. Now life off of it just didn’t cut it anymore. He had made up his mind. The next time Shepard came to the Citadel he would join her. His place wasn’t here, it was there- it was with her.

The days passed as a couple more weeks followed. He woke one day with a heavy feeling deep in his chest… something was wrong. Not the usual discomfort of feeling like he was in the wrong place. No, this was something heavier. After a quick glance to his omni-tool, he read ‘No new messages’. If something was wrong, he would know, wouldn’t he? He tried shaking the feeling but was only met with more unease. When he arrived to C-Sec that day everything started off normally; he had a few meetings, several boring messages to reply to, the usual banter with his coworkers. But, no matter how much he distracted himself that feeling just wouldn’t go away… It hovered in the pit of his stomach, not allowing him a moment of peace.

As if on queue his omni-tool lit up as the sound of a new message pinged from his wrist. He looked at the orange hue flashing, but was scared to open it. For whatever reason… he knew opening that message would change everything. After he built the courage, he slid a taloned hand to the HUD clicking the message open.

—

_Officer Vakarian,_

_I wish I were writing you on better circumstances, but there is something you should know- before you see it in the news vids…_

_No, this is a better conversation to have in person. It’s probably best you take the remainder of the day off as well. I’d like you to accompany me somewhere if you would._

_Meet me at the Docking Bay in an hour._

_-Councilor Anderson_

_Alliance Navy_

—

He read the message over and over. What had happened? Why was Councilor Anderson writing him? Before he saw it on the news vids? Saw what on the news vids?

Immediately he rushed to the docking bay. An hour was a ways away, but he couldn’t help himself. He had to get there now. The urgency of not knowing what had happened was killing him. Pacing the Docking Bay during his wait he found himself thinking back to that night with Shepard. That drunken night… The night that changed everything. He could almost feel and taste her again. The minutes ticked by slowly, finally Councilor Anderson exited the elevator and approached him. His face was sad, and stern. Something was definitely wrong here. He walked straight up to Garrus extending a hand, which he firmly shook back.

“Officer Vakarian… How are you today?” Anderson asked stepping to the side.

“Councilor… fine. You wanted to speak to me?” He asked with suspicion in his voice watching Anderson’s vitals trickle by on his visor.

“Yes… I did.” Anderson turned away from him resting his hands on the railing overlooking a few docked ships.

“Anderson? Excuse me, sir, but what is going on?” He found himself growing impatient.

“There’s been an accident, Vakarian. The Normandy was hit.” He noticed that Anderson couldn’t look at him when he spoke.

Feeling his heart sink as everything grew dull around him. His breath quickened and he felt his mandibles pull tightly to his face. He didn’t speak, he couldn’t. Fear engulfed him, he didn’t want to hear whatever Anderson was trying to say.

“There were some survivors. But, Commander Jane Shepard has been reported as killed in action during the attack.” With this Anderson turned finally locking eyes with him. His face had grown pale, it seemed like he was holding back tears. Garrus had seen many humans crying while at C-Sec. He never quite understood it, not until then. Not until he felt the pain in his chest and he himself felt the urge for the first time.

“No.” He let out softly shaking his head in disbelief.

_No. This isn’t possible. Shepard… she… she can’t be…_

“I’m headed to meet the remainder of the crew now, the Normandy went down only a few hours ago. I figured you’d like to accompany me.” Anderson was trying to remain in control of his emotions, but his voice proved otherwise.

_This can’t be happening. Shepard couldn’t be… She just couldn’t. She's Shepard… She stopped Saren. She stopped Sovereign. She stopped the geth… She couldn’t just… What the hell is happening… How could any of this be real?_

The ride had been long and agonizing. When Garrus and Councilor Anderson arrived at the Medical Center where the remaining crew had been taken, he still couldn’t believe it. The crew had clearly been shaken up, some were seriously injured; but they all were covered in grime and smelled of fire. He looked around the room frantically, searching for her. Where was she? She had to have been there. She couldn’t be… there was no way she was… No matter how many faces he checked, none of them were hers. No matter how hard he searched for the scent of her skin, her hair, her blood… there was nothing. There was only emptiness.

Looking across the room he spotted Joker sitting stiffly with Kaidan. They weren’t speaking to each other, they didn’t move… they just sat looking into the distance as if they were empty vessels with nothing left inside. He ran, pushing past anyone in his way- he had to hear it from them. He had to hear it from anyone who had been there. Had they had actually seen her… He wouldn’t believe it otherwise. He couldn’t believe it otherwise. When he reached them the looks they sent each other threw him into a rage. Before he knew what he was doing he grabbed Kaidan shaking him forcefully by the collar, almost lifting him from the ground. The biotic lit up in a white blue haze but he didn’t speak, didn’t react.

“What happened? Where is she?” Shaking Kaidan again growling each word that slipped his lips. “Where is she, damn it!” His voice echoed the medical center, pulling the remaining crew and doctors attention toward the commotion.

No one moved in though, not yet anyway… They just watched and the room grew quiet. No one knew the degree to which he had been involved with Shepard, but everyone knew how close they were. It was no secret that he was a favorite of hers, of course he would be affected by her death. Kaidan didn’t even try to fight back, he just sway lifelessly as Garrus shook him. Joker stood putting his hand on Garrus’ shoulder trying to pull him away from his rage. It was building, everyone could see it. He was about to break. Shaking Kaidan again this time with more force, his taloned hands puncturing his soft fleshy arms. Smelling the fresh blood, seeing how unstable Kaidan was growing in his visor… but this didn’t stop him.

“She’s gone, Garrus.” Joker spoke finally shaking his head. “I saw it myself… If it’s anyones fault it’s mine. I wouldn’t leave the Normandy… She had to come back for me and now she’s dead.” He stepped back in defeat, burying his face in a hand.

Garrus would have hit him, but even in his guilt fueled rage he knew that probably would have killed him. If he didn’t, he’d at least of broken every bone in his face. So instead he unloaded a fist into Kaidan. Kaidan could take a beating… He didn’t care if Joker had been the reason she stayed aboard too long, and deep down he knew it wasn’t Kaidan’s fault or even Jokers for that matter. That’s just who Shepard was and he knew it… She was always going to be the last one out. Knowing that didn’t stop him in that moment though. He just reacted. Sending Kaidan flying backwards into a cot; he grabbed his face looking to Garrus with anger filling his eyes. A small stream of red blood ran from his nose. In a flash he stood arms glowing bright with an orb of biotic energy, throwing it straight into Garrus’ chest sending him flying into a passing nurse. There were several screams as the crowd ran trying to escape the disturbance.

“It’s not my fault, Garrus. I tried to get her to come with me but she wouldn’t leave Joker. She ordered me to get to a pod. I was just following orders.” Kaidan voice was dry, but he spoke with eyes full of fury as his chest heaved heavily with each breath.

“Oh, what a fantastic display of discipline, Alenko. You followed an order like a good little varren, and your bad call got Shepard killed. You should have protected her.” He stepped closer to the biotic growling each word a long finger pointing at his chest.

“Me? What about you, huh? If you’re so damn in love with her, why weren’t you with her? Why did you leave her that night? No. You’re just as much to blame here as I am, Garrus.” He yelled back wiping his nose still glowing a white blue.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” Garrus was growling raising a fist at Kaidan again but was stopped before he could react further.

“Enough!” Joker yelled throwing himself between them, he was showing a lot of bravery stepping in so close at a time like this. "It doesn’t matter what could have happened. Who was there, or who wasn’t. She’s gone, alright? Fighting each other isn’t going to bring her back.“ The pilot looked between the two of them almost pleading… almost begging.

They all stood in silence, breathing heavily. After a moment Garrus sighed, turning to leave the room. His heart was heavy and he felt like the best part of him was missing. Ripped out. Gone. Taken from him.

Kaidan was right… He never should have left her. And now she was…

Shepard was… dead.


	2. Give every Man thy ear, but few thy Voice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Shepard chapters at the start of this fic are fairly basic, but I've added emotion/thoughts. Takes place during wake up in the Cerberus lab at the start of ME2.

"Shepard… Shepard… You have to listen to me. Shepard wake up, the station is under attack. Jane, can you hear me? You have to wake up!" A cool voice boomed dully around her barely coming into focus. "Commander Shepard! I'm sorry- I know this must be a lot to process. You're not fully healed, but I need you to get up now!" The voice was a little louder this time, it was a woman…

"Shepard!"

And she opened her eyes.

_It's so bright. Too bright… Can't see anything… Can't feel… Where… Where am I?_

She felt a ringing in her ears, her body felt foreign. Not right. Not real. Not hers. Not fully… She focused on her surroundings leaning up on one arm. Feeling a cool ache shiver through her body. She reached a hand to her forehead, touching her eyebrow. Her scar was gone… What was happening?

"Shepard! We haven't got all day, I need you to get your armor and weapon. Hurry." The voice was clearer now, where was she from?

The ringing of the alarm was unbearable, but she listened to the voice. Pulling herself off of the table she walked to a nearby cabinet. She looked down at a set of brand new N7 armor, a design she hadn't seen before... But it was familiar. Quickly she dressed, running a finger down the red and white stripes, grounding herself. Even though she hadn't been used to the weight of the new armor, she felt a little better once it was on. A little more like herself.

"Who are you? Where am I?" She questioned the voice speaking above her.

"There will be a time for questions later, Shepard. But now I need you to get to the shuttle." The woman boomed over the loudspeaker.

"And the shuttle is where exactly?" She found herself asking slight annoyance in her voice.

Following a series of instructions from the woman, she was lead towards the shuttle, and their escape. Letting her curiosity get the better of her though, she stoped in any room she passed along the way. She had to find something out- where the hell was she? How long had she been there… The last thing she remembered was… no. That couldn't be right. The first terminal she found played a vid of a woman, upon hearing the voice she placed it as the one leading her towards freedom. 

The woman spoke of what they had done to her… They had rebuilt her… She had cybernetic implants inside of her now, and this little project hadn't been cheap. Whoever they were, they had spent a great deal of time and credits bringing her back. Over 4 billion to be exact. No wonder she felt so weird, she was partly synthetic now. Machines were inside of her, keeping her alive… Regrowing her… Was she even human anymore? Was she even Shepard? She couldn't help but think about Saren... Knowing this made her feel weird. Gross even. She felt violated… disturbed. What had they really done to her?

After a few more rooms she lost contact with the woman. Continuing to walk forward following the destruction she put down mech after mech. It felt as though she somehow hadn't held a gun in years… but she knew that couldn't be true, could it? How long had she been gone…

Hacking through another door she saw a young man ducking behind cover, shooting mechs across the way.

"Shepard?" The voice asked taking a break from fighting, looking to her shock filling his face.

"You know me?" She rushed to duck next to him, eagerness filling her voice.

"What are you doing here? I thought you were a work in progress?"

"I just woke up. You probably know more than I do." She tried remaining calm.

"Man, things must be worse than I thought if Miranda has you running around… Sorry, Jacob Taylor. I can fill you in once we get to that shuttle." He nodded to her.

_Miranda… That must be the woman's name._

"Look, I am tired of stumbling around not knowing what's going on. Please just give me something." Her face was strong but she was almost pleading.

"Fair enough… You and your ship were attacked. You were killed. Deader than dead can be when they brought you here. Our scientists spent the last 2 years putting you back together. You've been comatose or worse that whole time… Welcome back to your life, Commander Shepard." He leaned up putting out a few mechs. "Now I know, this is a lot. I'll tell you what, lets kill the last of these mechs and then I will play 20 questions with you, deal?" Jacob was trying to remain neutral and his voice was almost hopeful even. She didn't like it, but she knew he had a point. They should wrap things up here first and then they could talk safely. Then she could figure this out. A few more dead mechs later and she could get some answers…

_2 years… Garrus…_

After they dealt with the remainder of the mechs he turned to her, extending a hand. She didn't want to take it, she didn't know this person. She couldn't trust him. Reluctantly she shook it. Even though she didn't know where she was, she recognized the yellow and black symbol that had been plastered on every wall and door. The one he wore on his suit. Where had she seen that before?

"Alright, I promised you I'd answer your questions, so what do you want to know?" Jacob asked placing his gun on his hip.

"The last thing I remember…" She stopped to think, pulling her lip in biting it softly. "The Normandy… It blew up. Did anyone else make it?" Fear was filling her voice.

"Just about everyone survived. A few service men down below and Navigator Presley were killed in the explosion though, Commander. But everyone else, including the non-Alliance crew made it out alive."

"Do you have any idea where any of them are now?" She found herself asking, she needed to find them. She needed to find Garrus.

"I don't know, Commander… It's been 2 years. They've moved on… They could be anywhere." He was trying not to disappoint her too much.

_They've moved on… They could be anywhere. He moved on. He could be anywhere…_

"Was I really gone for 2 years?" She asked lightly looking down, the thoughts were staring to overwhelm her.

"2 years and 12 days. I'm no doctor, but when I saw you- you were nothing but meat and tubes. Many scientists would have laughed at the idea and buried you, but Project Lazarus brought you back. It wasn't easy." Jacob saw the worry and fear building in Shepard's face, so he continued. "I don't know the details, but you're you. That was one thing they wanted to be sure of. You had to come back exactly as you were- the real Shepard."

Nothing but meat and tubes… She couldn't shake that visual. But on the plus side she wasn't a clone, right? Well, probably.

She may have had a lot more questions, but could tell that Jacob was getting annoyed. They had to get moving, so she bit her urge and complied. The two of them made their way through the facility towards the shuttles; meeting up with a man named Wilson that also worked there. Where was there exactly? The second they reached the shuttle doors, Miranda shot Wilson square in the face. Why? Well apparently he had been the one to hack the mechs. He was responsible for the facility going dark, and he had been the reason she was awake early.

Moving her eyes to put a face to a voice- a name. Miranda was tall, thin and wore a skintight white jumpsuit with black arms and legs. Not practical for battle, but she did look excellent in it. This was the woman responsible for bringing her back to life… She owed her life to this stranger. The real kicker of all of this though, was who spent the billions and billions of credits to bring her back from the dead in the first place.

_Cerberus._

She knew she recognized that symbol... She had seen it while on a few random missions they picked up back on the Citadel a few months ago. No, a few years ago… They had been an Alliance sanctioned black ops group that eventually went rogue. Cerberus was known around the galaxy as a pro-human terrorist group. She had seen the messed up experiments they were doing… She knew the kinds of people Cerberus were… And now they basically owned her. Because of them she was alive. She had a slight suspicion that whoever was in charge wasn't about to let their investment walk.

Leaving the facility they traveled to a different Cerberus base. It was finally time to meet the man behind Cerberus, or so she thought. She was disappointed to learn though that he wasn't the type to meet face to face. Instead she met with a hologram. The man that sat in front of her was not what she expected. he was middle aged and very handsome. His eyes were a bright mechanical blue- there was something uneasy about them, and she found herself reminded of Saren again. She watched as he took long drags off a cigarette, noticing his voice held a slightly condescending tone at all times.

"Commander Shepard." He flicking his cigarette to the side with a slight smile.

"Illusive Man… I thought we'd be meeting face to face." She crossed her arms leaning into a heel staring at the hologram unimpressed.

"A necessary precaution. Not unusual for people who know what you and I know." The Illusive man took a swig from his drink.

"You might be the reason I am still alive, but that doesn't mean I trust you. And that doesn't mean you know me." She stood tall, strong.

"You need to put your personal feelings aside, humanity is up against its greatest threat of its brief existence…" Taking another drag of his cigarette he began again. "How are you feeling, Shepard?"

"You have to earn the right to ask me those kinds of questions." She was not amused.

"Cerberus isn't what you think it is, Shepard. We're on the same side, we just have different methods. The galaxy is at war. No one wants to admit it, but humanity is under attack. While you've been sleeping, entire human colonies have gone missing. We believe it's someone working for the Reapers, like Saren and the geth had… You've seen it yourself. You bested them all. That's just one reason we chose you…"

"I'm going to need a lot more than words to believe any of that." She shook her head, arms still crossed, impatience ringing in her voice.

"I would be disappointed if I could persuade you that easy… Go and see for yourself. I have a shuttle waiting to take you to Freedom's Progress. That was the last colony to go dark. Miranda and Jacob will accompany you." He finished lighting a new cigarette.

"Am I volunteering for this, or am I being volunteered?" Shepard was getting annoyed.

"You always have a choice here, Shepard. If you don't find the evidence were both looking for, we can part ways. But first go. Find any clues you can… Who is abducting them? Are they connected to the Reapers? I may have brought you back. But you're the one who has to do something about this." He flicked his cigarette and disconnected.

She stood alone in the empty room. This was the first time she had been alone and not under fire since she came back… How was any of this possible? Bringing someone back from the dead was the stuff from vids or the stories her parents would read her as a child. Standing there in silence, she had flashes of the explosion. Remembering the look in Jokers eyes as she was sent fling backwards. Remembering the fear she felt as she watched the pod doors close. In that moment she could feel the air being sucked out of her body again. Quickly she raised a hand to her neck inhaling sharply. Of all the ways to go, she had to suffocate in space. Typical.

Shaking her head she released herself from thoughts of dying. She was back on the ship... She was okay. Moving her thoughts to how strange she had felt about that mission. They had been searching Alchera for days, with no sign of geth activity. She realized now that it had been a trap… Whatever ship had attacked the Normandy had lured them there. Did that attack have anything to do with what was happening to the human colonies? The Illusive Man did mention how immediately after her death, the abductions started…

Thinking about it was useless though, she had no information. She had been gone, the world had continued. But now she could figure it out. Cerberus was terrible there was no denying that. But they brought her back. 

She was alive. 2 years and a whole lot of cybernetics later… she was alive.

She was Shepard. She had to be…


	3. Fortune brings in some Boats that are not Steered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Garrus PoV for this one! It's a pretty short chapter so far (I may add some more to it as it goes, we will see!), but they get longer as the series goes on! <3

The first few weeks after Garrus found out about Shepard's death had been the worst. He spent half of his time denying it completely. Telling himself that somehow she had made it- of course she did. She was Shepard and there was no way that some random ship was gonna take her out. She was okay. She was alive somewhere… He would see her again. The other half of the time he accepted it. He would spend his day at Flux drinking, or found himself interrogating someone as he would have before Shepard. On those days, he faced her death head on. Those were the days he accepted that she was really gone. What was the point in being a good man if she wasn't around? Most days he couldn't find one.

The downward spiral he found himself in was worse than he had ever been. Going to C-Sec every day felt like it was utterly useless, he couldn't do a damn thing. Everyday he realized more and more that he couldn't help anyone because of those damn rules. Those regulations… That red tape… It weighed down on him heavier each day, until there was nothing left. Until he had nothing left... Nothing but anger and regret. He couldn't handle the restriction he felt everyday anymore and without Shepard to show him how destructive he could be; he would indulge it. Sometimes he'd hear her in the back of his mind… Telling him that whatever he was doing wasn't right. He'd hear her disapproving tone, and see that brow wrinkle… Then his mind would move to the way her crimson hair wave as it blew in the wind while he snuck behind her, watching her six. If he'd focus really hard he could almost smell the lavender. He could almost feel her soft skin under his hands... But it was never real. It was never good enough. So eventually, he started trying to ignore the voice.

Almost a full 2 months of this and Garrus had enough. He couldn't be there any longer. It only took the news vids and Council a few weeks to start denying the existence of the Reapers again. Shepard had been overworked, tired. She and her crew had fallen for Saren's rouse like the geth and krogan fighting under him had. She was crazy. Delusional. Made it all up. It was all an elaborate scheme... No matter what version of the story he heard, one thing was certain: the Council thought they had won and they were ready to move on. With Shepard gone, there wasn't really anyone to convince them otherwise. But he knew. He had been there with her, he had seen everything… He knew exactly what the Reapers were capable of. The worst part of it was that he couldn't do a thing about it. He had no real power. Before he even had a chance to start Spectre training, he wrote to notify them he would be denying the opportunity. Again. He didn't know what he was was going to do, but it wasn't that. He had to get out of there. He couldn't be around all of those idiots pretending life would go on normally- they were so ignorant… So foolish. He knew they would never realize it until it was too late.

One night a few days after he quit C-Sec for a second time, he had been hanging around Flux as usual in a depressed, drunken stupor. Drinking far too much, looking to blow off steam- anything he could do to silence Shepard's voice in his head… That night he got lucky in more ways than one: taking home a pretty turian he felt that guilt leaving, just for a minute. Only the guilt that replaced it was almost worse. He felt weak for indulging his impulses. He felt like he wasn't being loyal to Shepard for some reason... Realizing he had no control over himself… he was slipping. Later that night, he regarded his bed partner thinking about the fact that he didn't even know her- that he couldn't even tell you her name if you asked it.

"I'm sorry, Shepard." Garrus whispered as he suited up, and left his guest in his apartment. 

He didn't really have a destination in mind, he just needed to get out of there. In a drunken haze, taking home the pretty turian had seemed like a good idea, a great idea even. But the way he felt now wasn't worth the few moments of peace he had felt with her. He may have been drinking a lot lately, but he had never been able to bring anyone home with him in the past. That night was different though. Realizing his actions, he knew he had truly hit rock bottom. He paced the Citadel that night, although it still felt like the middle of the day with those damn lights. Finding himself thinking about the last case he was working on. Pallin had countermanded his request to take a local drug smuggler down, of course; during his pacing he had a great idea…

_What if I were to, oh, I don't know… Stumble into the guy- ask him a few questions…_

Shepard protested in the back of his mind, telling him to fight it. Part of him wanted to. He knew that this pain would only be temporary. He had lost people close to him in the past, but that didn't make the healing process any easier. At this point though, he really didn't care anymore. Hitting rock bottom does that to you. So, he ignored her. 

Finding the smuggler hadn't been difficult, he knew all the places drug dealers hung around the Citadel. Even if he couldn't have found him on his own, he had plenty of allies on the Citadel. Tracking him down wouldn't have been hard. None of that was necessary though, the batarian Doran had been extremely easy to find. Despite being obvious to Garrus, Doran somehow was great at what he did- making the arrest request impossible. There was no way he could prove Doran had been smuggling anything, so he couldn't do a damn thing. At this point though, he didn't care about proof anymore or gathering evidence. He knew, and he was finally going to get some answers.

Doran wasn't excited to see Garrus, but felt he would be safe... He was dealing with a C-Sec officer, there was no way he could hurt him. That confidence was quickly lost when the batarian realized Garrus had quit, and wasn't in C-Sec anymore. No rules to stop him from beating the piss out of him. He only managed to get a few good threats in before Doran spilled the beans- so to say, he heard Shepard saying that one before.

"Do-don't! I don't get paid enough for this bullshit. He's on Omega." The batarian held his arms up, he was clearly scared. Garrus knew just how terrifying he could be when he wanted.

"You better not be lying to me, Doran. I don't work for C-Sec anymore, remember that." He threatened shoving the batarian into a pile of trash behind him. Noticing just how intense this reaction had been… It was extreme. Not like himself, but not entirely free of him either…

He had his destination. Omega.

The next morning he left, without a word. By the time he returned that night, the turian had already left and to his surprise he hadn't been robbed. Looking around at his belongings he realized he didn't need any of it. If she had robbed him, would he have even cared? Probably not. As he began packing he could barely fill a bag full of the things he'd wanted to keep. He looked to his riffle. The sleek black Spectre requisition riffle that Shepard had given him only a few months ago… That was one of the only things he could never leave. After a moment he turned leaving the half filled space he had called his home. Giving the apartment one last look over; feeling absolutely nothing. He had felt nothing for the last couple months… Nothing but rage that is. Rage and regret. Oh, and guilt.

Rage because he was always restricted, unable to help anyone in his position at C-Sec. Rage because the Council would rather pretend that nothing ever happened. That the Reapers were a myth, that Shepard had gone insane... Rage because he failed her. Because he was running.

Regret because there were so many things he wished he had said to Shepard. Because he didn't stay with her…

And the guilt. The guilt had been the worst of it. He had felt so guilty that he hadn't been there with her. He knew if he had been on the Normandy when it was attacked, she would still be alive. She would be with him. He would have made sure of that. But he wasn't there… He couldn't help. He didn't help. And here he was... Running away from his problems and his feelings like the bad turian he always knew he was.

Catching the next ship out of the Citadel he went straight to Omega. He had never been before, but he knew the reputation. It was dirty, grimy, full of criminals. But the best part of Omega was that there weren't any rules. Well, there was one rule he later learned; but that one was easy to follow. When he first arrived at the station the next day, the vids and stories didn't do the place justice. It was a vigilantes, or terrorists dream come true depending on which side you were on. Every where he looked there were scummy citizens that needed a beating. Defenseless civilians he could protect. He could do it. He could make a difference here.

His first night on Omega had inspired him. Waking something inside him he thought he had lost... He met an elderly human couple that had found themselves in some trouble. Of course he stepped in and stopped the mugging from taking place- he knew just how fragile humans were. Especially as they grew older, they had no means of protecting themselves. After he helped the human couple the woman called him a real life angel.

He may not have know a lot when it came to humans, their culture or beliefs, but he had learned a thing or two from working with Shepard. He had learned a bit about being human while on an Alliance vessel. He knew what the woman had been saying; she meant that he had saved them. That he was their angel. The feeling that followed their gratitude made him realize he was in the right place. He felt the bubble of hope again as it boil low in his stomach.

No rules. No regulations. Nothing but pure freedom. Garrus would bring justice to Omega, because that's what what Omega needed…

He was the Archangel.


	4. Let no such Man be Trusted

The ride to Freedom’s Progress was uncomfortable to say the least. She hardly knew either of these two Cerberus agents, she had no reason to trust them. Yet she had to if she wanted this mission to be a success. If she wanted to find out where her crew was… Where Garrus was. She did believe that Miranda had her best interest at heart however, having spent the last 2 years of her own life rebuilding her. And she had to give it to Jacob; he had been upfront with her very early on about who they were working for. During their short chat before the shuttle, she learned he was ex-Alliance. Maybe he wasn't all bad. She honestly wasn’t sure, but there would be time to figure that out. Right now, she had to focus on what was happening. 

She had missed a lot over the last couple years. Being dead will do that to you. The Council had fallen back into their old ways, having sense written her off. The Reapers were a myth, Sovereign was a ship, Saren was the mastermind. She knew all of this was bullshit, but without her to fight their claims why would anyone believe it went any further? She could only half blame them really. I mean with her being dead and all. With no one there to actively fight it, why would anyone believe it? Half of the time she didn’t even believe what her life had become those last few months. Or rather, few years. 

After Miranda got her questioning out of the way, she was allowed a moment of silence to herself. Still having barely processed what was happening to her she began to think. She really had been dead. For 2 years and 12 days. Meat and tubes. Having no idea where any of her old crew was… She was alone. She may be breathing, but she was still dead for all tense and purposes. Well, at least according to everyone else. In those moments of silence she imagined what it would be like to see Garrus again. He would probably think she was some evil clone, or maybe some crazy Reaper tech… Something… Inhuman. In a way, she was inhuman now wasn't she? Before she could get too deep in thought, they begun their decent on Freedom’s Progress. The human colony reminded her of Mindoir and of Eden Prime. It actually didn’t really look anything like either of them; it was snowy and dark. But just knowing that humans lived there, colonies just like her own- colonies like Eden Prime… With that in mind, she couldn't help but remember. Remembering those spikes, the geth, the Battle of the Citadel… All of it. 

She must be herself if she could remember all of that right? She had her memories and feelings… She was Shepard, she had to be. 

Having not seen herself since being brought back, she found herself wondering what else had changed. Did she even look the same? Would anyone even recognize her if they saw her?

Looking down to her hair, she raised a hand to touch it. The length was a little past her shoulder now, definitely too long to be worn down if this were an Alliance mission. But clearly they didn't care about that kind of thing at Cerberus, Miranda's hair was down and matched her own length. It may have been different, but it was still hers. The dark fiery red was hers. She slid her eyes to her ungloved hands, they looked the same. Only none of the scars on her knuckles were there anymore. She remembered feeling her forehead back at the lab- that her scar had been missing. Raising a hand to it again, she felt the full brow. She hadn’t felt her brow in one piece since Mindoir. Since before the attack… But now it was gone. Allowing herself to feel the pain of losing her family that day, and the sounds of their screams. She could hear them as loud as they had been then, but all evidence of that day had been erased from her body. She no longer had that reminder marking her forever. But she remembered it. Remembered the pain… The smell… The fear. 

She was real. She was Shepard. 

Moving her fingers down her face she felt new scars… They were big and deep. She could feel the gap on her fingertips, pulling them back as a small gasp left her mouth.

“You needn’t worry, Shepard. The scarring is perfectly normal. I mentioned early you weren’t fully healed. In time they should fix themselves. We can have the doctor look at it if you’d like a second opinion.” Miranda spoke smoothly. She had to be Australian. Shepard may not have been born on Earth, but she was human and had been very well versed on earth dialects.

“Right.” She let out swallowing back her worry as best she could. 

“We’re under direct instruction to follow your orders, Commander. You’re the boss, so to say. Any orders?” Jacob spoke, a little lighter than Miranda had. 

“I hope you remember that when we’re out there.” She nodded letting out a forced smile. “I’d like to focus on finding survivors.”

“The chance of there being survivors is highly unlikely, Commander. No one has been left before, the colonies are completely deserted.” Miranda always spoke in the same slightly condescending cool tone.

“It would be nice to find somebody- anyone would be better than another ghost town.” Jacob nudging Miranda with an elbow playfully. 

Jane noticed the way her two new Cerberus crew interacted, there was definitely something going on between them. Soon after the shuttle landed, they were exiting prepared for anything. The cold crisp breeze stung her face as she took a deep breath in. The air was sharp, chilling her lungs and stinging her fresh scars. It felt amazing. She really had been dead for 2 years hadn’t she? 2 years and 12 days... No matter. She was alive now. She was here, and she had a mission. Reminding herself once more that once she figured out what happened here, she could find out where her crew was. She could find where Garrus was.

Along their walk they were met by several assault drones, as well as hostile mechs. Jacob was sure they had been hacked, there was no reason they would be attacking humans otherwise. The three of them made their way deeper into the icy colony where they were met by a locked door. Shepard began bypassing it, she still had it. A few seconds after the mechanical of the door buzzed open, the three of them walked in guns raised high. They had been met by several angry quarians, guns also held to match their own. 

“Prazza! You said you’d let me handle th-“ A small quarian started speaking stepping between the two groups. “Sh…Shepard? Is… You’re alive?” She stood still, and Shepard didn't need to know what her face looked like under her mask to know she was surprised. 

“I am not taking chances with Cerberus, Tali.” Prazza spoke behind her with distrust in his voice. 

“Enough!” Tali snapped back shutting him down, then turning to face Shepard again. 

“Yeah. I’m alive, Tali. Cerberus brought me back. They asked me to check into these attacks. I figure why the hell not, they did bring me back right?” Shepard spoke softly, she didn't know how to handle any of this, but she realized maybe she shouldn't be joking at a time like this. The good news though was that she must still look like herself if Tali recognized her. That was something. 

“You’ll forgive us if we aren’t taking your word for it, Cerberus.” Prazza spat from behind Tali. 

“We’re well within our rights to investigate attacks on human colonies. I’m more interested in what the quarians are doing here.” Miranda stepped back replying in her cold collected voice, crossing her arms. 

“One of our people were here on Pilgrimage- Veetor. He's been missing for awhile now. We came here to find him.” Tali spoke cautiously. 

She stood back a ways from Shepard. She hadn’t offered a hug or any question as to how Shepard had been. Shepard could hardly blame her though, she had been dead for 2 years and now she shows up with known terrorists… It all did feel very wrong. Jane couldn't help but feel like she came back wrong; like Tali sensed something was off about her. 

“He’s not exactly stable… We saw him when we arrived. He was injured and very confused, likely due to damage to his suit. Veetor probably has a fever, and is likely very delirious right now… When he saw us landing he hid in a warehouse. He was likely the one to program the mechs as well.” Tali spoke with caution. 

“Veetor seems like our best bet on finding out what happened here then. We should work together to find him.” Shepard replied, now was definitely not the time to be joking around.

Shepard was starting to feel more comfortable talking aloud again. Her throat had hurt ever since she woke up. I guess two years asleep would do that to you. Tali nodded in agreement but before she could speak Prazza spoke again in protest. 

“Now we’re working for Cerberus?” 

“No. You’re working for me. If you can’t follow orders go wait on the ship.” She said flatly. 

Prazza didn’t speak out again. The next few minutes had been dedicated to coming up with a plan of attack. There were a lot of drones out there, and other mechs so they needed to be prepared. Splitting up into 2 groups would be the best way to do it. Before they split up, she asked why the quarians hated Cerberus so much, and she wasn’t surprised to learn they had infiltrated the flotilla, killed countless quarians, and even tried blowing up several of their ships. Definitely reason enough to be skeptical. She herself even hated Cerberus, she knew what they were capable of... But she owed them this at least didn't she?

Once Shepard got as much information as she thought she could, they parted ways. As they had expected there had been several drones ready and waiting for them. After pushing through, she heard Tali's voice ring over the comm. There was an issue, her squad got impatient and untrusting and had made a break for Veetor. Needless to say going in unprepared was foolish, they were met with an atlas mech, being no match for it they were destroyed. Shepard and her new Cerberus crew dealt with the mech, as Tali catered to her wounded promising to meet with them once they found Veetor. 

Once she was given the go ahead, they went in search of him again. Eventually they found him inside a locked warehouse. As expected he was very delirious, rambling incoherently about swarms... having to hide... monsters. How the mechs would protect him. She slowly approached making out his words carefully. Veetor had been there during the attack, and whatever he saw combined with his fever had sent him over the edge. She tried puling him from his rambling, but he was no where. Hacking the terminals he overlooked with her Omni-tool, she shut them off. This was the only thing she could think of that would break his loop. Luckily it worked. 

“Yo-you’re human. You’re not one of them. They… They didn’t find you?” Veetor asked lightly, his voice breaking with each word. 

“What happened here, Veetor? Try to relax and remember. It’s very important that we find out about the attack.” She asked him softly as she stepped closer. 

“You don’t know… You weren’t here… the swarms. The monsters…” Veetor turned to his console and began typing. 

After a second all six screens pieced together to show a larger picture; It was Freedom’s Progress. He had compiled all of the security cameras into one large rendition of the events. Not knowing what she had expected to see, it sure wasn’t that. She watched as these long, coffin like tubes floated in front of large, bug like creatures each with 4 eyes. The 'monsters' were dark, and thorn like. She couldn’t even describe that they looked like… wrong. Whatever those things were, they were wrong. 

“My god… I think it’s a Collector..." Miranda spoke, and seeing the look Shepard shot her she began again. "They’re a species from beyond the Omega 4 Relay. Not many have seen one in person… They usually work through intermediaries, like slavers or hired mercenaries… If they're involved with the Reapers that would explain what happened to the other colonies.”

“Seeker swarms… No one can hide. The seekers find you… freeze you… Then the monsters take you away. They took them… they flew away. They will come back… No one escapes.” Veetor was traumatized, rambling incoherently. 

Jane turned to her new team exhaling as she brought her hands to rest on her hips, paging Tali over comm. 

“Well, we found him at least. Doesn’t seem like he can really help us though.” She bit her lip thinking about the new information as she wait. 

“I studied them. The monsters. The swarms. I recorded them with my omni-tool, lots of readings… Electro magnetic… Dark energy.” Veetor's face lit in a bright orange hue as he began clicking on his omni-tool. 

“Alright, grab the quarian the Illusive Man will want to see this.” Miranda seemed to order as Tali entered the warehouse.

“I don’t think so. He is hurt, he needs medical attention not to be interrogated!” Tali was very clearly angry, marching up to them with force in each step.

“Tali is right. He needs to go back to the Flotilla. We can take his omni-tool. If the Illusive Man has a problem with it, he can talk to me about it.” She finished looking to Tali with a light smile on her face.

Things may have been strange, but at least she had finally seen a friendly face. Tali was alive and well... She seemed to be doing great for herself even. She could only hope for the same from the rest of her squad.

“Thank you, Shepard. It’s good to know that you’re still the one in charge.” She extended a hand placing it on Shepard shoulder. 

“Could I have a moment alone with Tali.” Shepard turned to face her new crew. 

It was more of a statement than a question and they all knew it. Reluctantly the two of them grabbed the omni-tool from Veetor, then stepped outside with him as ordered. Once the mechanical noise of the door had shut, she turned back to Tali letting out a long sigh. Tali just still looking at Shepard. Inspecting. 

“Is it really you, Shepard?” Her voice was scared as she stepped a little closer.

“It’s really me. Or at least I think. How would I really even know, Tali?” She shook her head feeling guilty for having died. Feeling foreign in her own skin. 

“I can’t believe they brought you back. I don’t even know this was possible.” Shepard watched as Tali spoke movingly a three fingered hand to her mask.

“You and me both. But, I’m here. And if things are as bad as Cerberus is making them seem… This seems like the best bet for humanity. For everyone.” She finished placing a hand on her hip again.

“You’re really going to work with Cerberus? After everything we saw?” This time when Tali spoke, she was concerned and maybe even a little angry.

“What do you expect me to do? The Council is pretending the Reapers don’t exist. The Alliance isn’t doing anything about these abductions… Something is coming, you and I both know it. And Cerberus is the only one doing a damn thing about it. I don’t trust them. I will never trust them. But I can’t just sit back and watch the world end, Tali. I can’t. I won't.” She was speaking softly. “The real question is do you still trust me, Tali?”

“I know… You’re right. I do still trust you. Of course I do.” Finally Tali walked to her, hugging her tightly. “It’s really good to see you again, Shepard. I missed you.” She finished as she let her go, then walked out of the warehouse leaving Shepard to her thoughts. 

Hearing Tali say that gave her hope. That maybe even with these enhancements, she was still herself. Even after being gone for that long, she could still be Jane. 

For the first time since she woke, a real smile left her lips.


	5. So Foul and Fair a day I have not Seen

Garrus had been on Omega for a little over a year now. The life of a mercenary hadn't been easy, but it left him feeling satisfied. Like he was finally doing something right for once. He was cleaning up Omega, and he had even accumulated his own squad. Together they declared war on the criminals, taking them out strategically one by one. Yeah, he may have been gunning men down, but they weren't really men by his standards. These bastards all deserved their deaths. Slavers, murders, rapists… You name it: Omega had it. And he felt no remorse for ending any of their lives. 

In fact, he felt pretty damn proud of himself. He and his new squad were actually making Omega better... safer. Shortly after he arrived last year he met the first of his new team: a turian named Sidonis. The night they met in the lower levels of Afterlife stuck with him. He had walked in while Sidonis was being beaten nearly to death by a few members of the Blood Pack. This was the kind of thing Garrus came here to stop, so naturally he intervened. Once Sidonis noticed that he had an ally, he began fighting alongside him.

“Archangel.” He breathed out heavily to the turian as he knocked out the last merc.

“Sidonis.” With a nod back, he attempted catching his breath wiping a beed of blue blood from his mouth. 

They both stood in silence for a moment looking from the mess to each other. Of course no one in the club even reacted, they barely even noticed actually. After a moment they walked to the bar together, both ordering a drink. Garrus hadn’t really met anyone since he arrived so it was nice to have someone to talk to.

“What was all that about?” Garrus asked with curiosity in his voice as he took a drink of his Turian Brandy. 

“I pissed off the wrong krogan.” Sidonis replied eying Archangel up and down. 

He could feel the anger seeping off of him... The ferocity and vengeance. Finding himself wondering why this 'Archangel' was there on Omega in the first place. Or where the hell a name like that came from. The fact that this 'Archangel' even intervened at all was surprising to Sidonis. On Omega, anything went and no one cared. Why did this random turian want to help? Why would he step in? What or who was he hiding from? 

“I could ask you the same thing... You got a death wish, Archangel?” Sidonis asked finally. 

“I just don’t like thugs. You deserve a fair fight and I didn’t see anyone else stepping in.” He finished his drink, setting the empty glass down forcefully. 

“And you won’t. This is Omega. People don’t play nice here.” 

“Yeah, well, I came here to change that.” Garrus ordered another, feeling Sidonis' eyes on him. 

“You came here to change that? Change what… Omega?” Sidonis almost laughed shaking his head. “You can’t change Omega. They don’t want it to change.”

“Tell that to all the innocents being raped, murdered and robbed every day. I think those people would argue otherwise.” He was a little annoyed now, who was this turian to be talking at him this way? 

After a moment of observing, Sidonis began to speak. “I don’t mean anything by it. Actually, I’d be interested in joining you… You’re not the only one running from something.” He ended making eye contact with Archangel. 

“Who says I’m running?” Trying to keep his voice calm and steady, Garrus replied gazing back just as intently. 

“Look... Whatever happened to you, it’s your business. I’m not trying to be your best friend or learn your life story. But you don’t fight like that here... You don’t do what you did here, what you want to do here... And you don’t have a name like Archangel: unless you’re running from something. Not just that, but I can see it all over your face.” Sidonis took a drink from the bottle he held.

Garrus didn’t look away, he had to remain strong and in control. He couldn’t let his mind wander to Shepard. To what he was running from... “Running or not. Omega needs this, and I really don’t have anything left to lose.”

“Neither do I.” Sidonis said back plainly as he offered Garrus a soft reassuring smile.

The rest of the evening was spent learning about the local gangs, how long Sidonis had been there, any drama that he should know about. They ended up prowling the streets that and every night in search of trouble. Looking for someone to set straight. Someone to save. The weeks turned into months and along the way they accumulated ten other good men. Each possessing their own set of useful skills, and over the last year they had all become great friends, almost like a family. His new squad consisted of a mix of aliens. Former mercs, ex- C-Sec like himself, security, tech experts- you name it they had it. Together they made an excellent team, and under Garrus they were destined for greatness.

Not only that but their group had actually managed to make a difference there. Garrus had made a difference. Leading these men had been easy for him, but he did have an excellent teacher didn’t he? He would find himself wondering at night how she would react to this. Would she be proud of him? Disappointed?

Sometimes he’d still heard her voice. Not as loud or as often as before, but it was still there. She would tell him to duck, or to watch his six… Her voice protecting him in a way. But he knew she wasn’t really there, he knew she was gone. Shepard had been gone for 15 months and 3 days. 

Thinking back to the memorial service that was held... well lets just say it wasn't easy. The Normandy crew had their own small private service directly after the accident, but a large public service was held just over 3 months after she was declared dead. Hard as it was, he had to be there. He had to… He hadn’t seen anyone since the crash. Since he fought with Kaidan... He had been on Omega for a few weeks. But no matter how much he knew it would hurt, he made the trip back to the Citadel. This was important. He knew that it wouldn’t be easy to see them again, but he respected Shepard far too much not to be there. 

He owed it to her, he owed it to them. To whatever they had been. 

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Hello, Garrus.” He heard Liara say softly from behind him, as the room come into focus. 

“Liara.” He lightened his mandibles a bit at the sight of a friendly face. 

And it actually was good to see her. They were never really friends, and he had always been annoyed by her obsession with Shepard. But it seemed now that she was the closest thing he had left to her… Liara had joined minds with her before. She shared a part of herself with Shepard and Shepard shared a part of herself with Liara… A part that he could never experience. Knowing they had that connection made him feel as though he was a little bit closer to her in some weird way. 

“I have been well. I see you’ve been busy on Omega as well, Archangel.” She said quietly as they walked to the side of the room. 

He looked at her with surprise spread across his plates. How did she know? Was she keeping tabs on him? 

“Don’t worry, Garrus. It is just part of my new… hobby. I’ve been working as an information broker. It is in my job description to keep tabs now.” Her voice seemed different, almost colder somehow. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who had changed in the last few months…

“And how is that working out for you?” Garrus asked as he lean his back against a wall.

“Well, it is not always easy. It does posses its challenges. But ever since the Normandy was attacked, I had to find out why. I had to find her-” Liara stopped as her brow lowered. 

“Did you?” He felt his stomach growing heavy, what if she had said no? What if she had said yes... 

“I… I’m not sure this is a conversation for right now, Garrus. Perhaps we can speak later.” She smiled, touched his elbow then left him standing alone in the corner. 

Garrus stood there surrounded by military officials, wondering what Liara had been on about... Thinking in those free moments on how much different she was. But what the hell was it? Did becoming an information broker really do that much to her in such a short time? Before Liara had always seemed so young and naive, but now she seemed colder. More confident. Older even. Just... very different. Before he could think much longer on it, he noticed Joker watching him from across the room. When he nodded, Joker took it as an opening and walked slowly over to his side. 

“Long time no see, buddy.” Joker spoke to Garrus lightly, radiating his nervousness like a furnace.

“Yeah. I’ve been busy. The Citadel just… It wasn’t doing it for me anymore.” 

“Yeah. It’s not doing much for any of us anymore. The whole crew is all over the place.” Joker didn't use his usual smart ass tone, the heaviness of Shepard's death had clearly left its mark.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, staring at the large commemorative photo of the great Commander Shepard... The first human Spectre. As he stood there surrounded by his old friends, Garrus felt that guilt come back to him. The guilt of leaving her that day, the guilt of failing... Looking at that photo brought back everything he felt. 

“It should have been me.” Joker finally broke the silence, his voice was weak and desperate. 

“I know.” Garrus' subvocal's were soft as he try to contain his thoughts and emotions. 

There was a part of him meant what he said. Another part wished that they both would have made it. Why did Joker have to be so damn stubborn? If he hadn’t tried saving the Normandy, she would have left with Kaidan and she’d still be here. Shepard would still be alive. He wouldn’t have been on Omega and he'd be in Spectre training right now. Or maybe he’d be with her again… He couldn’t think about that. He had to think about now. Getting through this memorial… All these unfamiliar faces showing their respect. All the familiar ones showing their regret. 

As the evening progressed, he received a message on his omni-tool, It was Liara. How she knew this channel, he wasn’t sure. No doubt due to her new ‘job’. She wanted him to meet her later that night in Flux. He really wasn’t looking forward to it, he hadn’t been to the club since the night he hit bottom, most of the memories from there weren’t happy either. Not only that, but he had a feeling Liara had something big to tell him. When he arrived a few hours later, he spotted Liara in the back. She had been sitting at the table she shared with Shepard and Kaidan during Joker's birthday. It made him uncomfortable, even though hundreds of people had been there since Shepard had. 

“Not that I mind, Liara. But what is this about?” He asked suspiciously, not ordering a drink. He felt like he needed to be sober for this, whatever this may be.

“I see you do not feel like catching up for old times sake.” She let out a small smile. “I’ll get straight to the point then, Garrus. I recently traveled to Alchera. More specifically, to the Normandy’s crash site… I was searching for Shepard’s body.” Not failing to notice the look he sent her, she look to her hands and bring her lower lip between her teeth. 

_What is she trying to say?_ “No… I… Garrus. There is something I ga…” As hard as he tried, her face was too difficult to read. She looked as if she was just about to tell him something important. Something so important... But just as she went to share, she stopped herself. Pulling back as her face changed. “Never mind that…”

Garrus could see that she had changed her mind and that whatever she was about to say to him was gone. By the face she now wore, he knew that he would never find out. Whatever it was... she lost her nerve and now he was left with more questions. 

After a few moments of silence she collected herself beginning to speak again, this time with more composure. “I know you two were… close, Garrus. I think Shepard would have wanted you to have these.” She finished handing over a small white box.

Inside of it were two human Alliance dog tags. They were mangled, scuffed and almost completely illegible. He could barely see the Alliance symbol printed on them anymore... Slowly he ran a taloned finger over it, flipping it slowly to see the back. Most of it was destroyed, but he could still see ‘Shepard’ could be clearly read. He didn’t take his eyes off the tags, he just stare at them completely broken.

Had this been what she was on about? No, it couldn’t be. If so, why would she give them to him? No... there was more to it. Liara had something else she wanted to tell him... Something huge. 

He locked eyes with her, silently begging for her to share whatever it had been one last time... But just as if she knew his thoughts she shook her head, signaling that she wouldn’t talk about it. Whatever it was, it was gone. This was what he got. This was all he had left of Shepard. 

She really was dead.


	6. Tis one thing to be Tempted, another thing to Fall

Moments after arriving back to whatever Cerberus base they were stationed at, Shepard was instructed to talk with the Illusive Man. Being ordered around, and sent on a mission hours after being told you'd been dead for 2 years really had made her irritable. She found herself snapping at Miranda often, but she really did make it easy. She wasn't very nice or easy to talk to, maybe she owed her life to the woman, but Miranda made it very clear they wouldn't be friends. Not now, not ever. Reluctantly she went back into the same debriefing room as before, and moments later the Illusive Man was projected in front of her. He sat in that same chair, smoking his cigarette, drinking whatever liquid swam in his glass. He gave her a big smile once he saw her.

The Illusive Man had been impressed with her first mission of course, and Veetor's omni-tool had confirmed his suspicions. They were in fact Collectors. She questioned him about them, having never heard of them herself. They came from beyond the Omega 4 Relay as Miranda had said. They were rarely seen, and no one knew anything about them. All they knew was that where they came from was a one way trip. The Omega 4 Relay has never seen a ship that entered it return. All of this information was useful, in its way. But what did it have to do with the Reapers?

"Their focus only shifted to humanity after you and the human fleet destroyed Sovereign. The abductions are related. Even if the Alliance and the Council refuse to believe it. I will not wait until the Reapers are on the march, we will take the fight to them." The Illusive man finished taking a long drag off his half burned cigarette.

"Alright. Let's say I believe you. I can't do this alone. I need a team." She uncrossed her arms stepping back casually.

"I have already complied a list of soldiers, scientists and mercenaries. You'll get dossiers on the best of them. The hard part will be finding them, and convincing them to work with you. As I mentioned… this is likely a one way trip. It may not be an easy task, but you are a natural leader, and they should follow you. I will continue to keep track of the Collectors in the mean time." He flicked off the ash building at the tip of his cigarette.

"Keep your list. I want people I can trust. My crew from before." Her voice was strong as she pulled a hand to her hip and glared.

"Commander, that may be difficult. It's been 2 years. Many of them have moved on. Their allegiances have chang-"

"Where is Garrus Vakarian?" She asked cutting him off. There was one thing she was almost sure of, if he knew she was alive. He would join her. He would help her, no matter what. If he was alive…

"The turian disappeared a few months after you were declared dead. Even we haven't been able to locate him." The Illusive Man said slyly leaning his head back eyeing her carefully. 

He was studying her. Maybe she had been too quick to ask about Garrus… Had he picked up on the urgency of her voice? Hopefully not. She didn't need him knowing anything about her. Well, more than he already did I guess. To cover her urgency, she followed up about the rest of her crew. Unsurprisingly, most of them were off doing their own thing. He had been right, it had been 2 years and they all really had moved on.

The Illusive man suggested Shepard start on Omega, she should recruit a salarian scientist that would be extremely essential to their mission. In that moment she felt a lot like she was the one taking orders, and not giving them. But if he was right, and the Council was ignoring the warning signs then there wasn't really anything else she could do. She had to work with Cerberus.

"I found a pilot I think you might like, Commander. I hear he's one of the best… Someone you can trust." And like that he disconnected leaving her alone in the room. A moment later she turned when the mechanical buzzing of the door fizzed open revealing an old friend.

"Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?" Joker walked closer to her wearing a Cerberus issued uniform with a large smile spread across his face.

"Joker?" She closed the gap between them, hugging him tight.

"Ahh! Hey, watch it, I'm happy to see you too, but I actually need to be able to fly you know." He smiled back cringing in pain.

"Oh, right. Sorry." She let him go smiling her big honest smile. 

Boy was she glad to see him. They had fun back on the SR1… Making jokes and paying Skillian Five. She missed him and everyone else from her old ship. Her old life. Seeing Joker helped to ease her troubled mind just a bit. Who knew seeing a old friend was all she needed to give her hope.

"I can't believe it's really you." Joker let out after a second looking at her, his eyes were heavy, guiltiness handing from them with each bat of his lashes. "I saw you get spaced… I saw you… die, Commander." He looked to his feet, voice now filling with regret.

"Hey. It's okay. I'm back now. New and improved, right?" She tried making light of the situation as best she could, nudging him softly. "So what, I died. I got lucky, and I'm here now aren't I?" She watched intently as he relaxed a bit before she continued. "How did you get here, Joker? Cerberus, really?"

They began walking, she was following his lead. "It all fell apart without you, Commander. Without you, everything you stirred up the Council just wanted gone. The team was broken up, the records were sealed… I was grounded. The Alliance turned their backs on us- on you. They took the one thing that mattered to me away. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus… I may not trust them. Hell, I don't trust anyone that makes more than me. Well, besides you." He smiled, then continued as they headed towards the bases Docking Bay. "But they did bring you back, Shepard. They let me fly again… There might be some strings attached, but they aren't all bad. Oh, and there's this." He smiled big, tilting his head to the side pressing the shutter control watching the plates slide open. 

There she was. The Normandy. She looked so beautiful, and seeing her again made Jane miss everyone so much more. There was one huge difference though, instead of her usual Alliance issued markings she was decorated with Cerberus logos. The realization that the Normandy was now a Cerberus vessel hit her hard. It now sported that evil orange and black logo... And she hated it. 

Joker noticed the face she made and nudged her lightly. "Hey, it could be worse. You could still be dead, right?"

"Yeah… I'm not entirely convinced I'm not truthfully, Joker. This has all been so… overwhelming. It's not every day you die for 2 years and get to come back to talk about it." She had been looking down placing her arms on the railing in front of her. "It only feels like I was gone for… I don't even know. Not 2 years though… Have you seen- do you know..." Letting out a sign, she stopped to shake her head.

"I haven't seen him since your big service. Before that it was right after the crash…" Joker replied calmly, knowing what she had been trying to ask.

Jane bit her lip looking out at her new ship. The new Normandy... The SR2. "He was there after? How was- did he…" She could hardly even think it, yet speak it.

"If you want the truth he was a total mess, Shepard. When he found out Kaidan let you go after me, he sorta… Well, he flipped out. Full on meltdown, I'm talking nuclear scale. He got Kaidan pretty good, there was a huge bruise for weeks and I'm pretty sure he broke his nose…" Realizing maybe he shouldn't have told the whole truth, he continued more cautiously. "After that, the last I heard he quit C-Sec and left the Citadel."

She didn't react, she only nodded letting out a fake smile. What could she say to that? So instead she pointed to the new Normandy as she began to speak again. "Shall we?"

The two of them turned approaching the airlock. During her walk she thought about how Garrus must have reacted... a 'meltdown' Joker had said. She knew he had always had a temper, that he would over react a lot... But even knowing this she hadn't expected him to lash out on Kaidan. He must have known it wasn't Kaidan's fault… How could it have been? And it wasn't his fault either but she knew him well enough to know that he was probably blaming himself. That Garrus only hurt Kaidan because he hated that he hadn't been there.

Deciding she couldn't think about it yet, she focused on meeting her new crew and exploring the SR2. On inspection of the new Normandy there were a great deal of upgrades. For one, the ship now had an AI named EDI, no doubt installed to spy on her. Cerberus had kept the human-turian design of the galaxy map and controls. But instead of stairs down on either side, there was an Armory and a Tech Lab. To get around the different levels of the SR2, she was to take an elevator now. Her first ride in it reminded her of the one she'd take down to Engineering. When it landed the view was different though... It was much larger, and completely empty. No Garrus. No Wrex. No Ash.

Another new addition to this Normandy was her Captain's Cabin. This room was far too big for any one person, and had a large empty fish tank spanning one full wall. At least now she would have a place for all of her model ships. She realized though that they were probably all lost… Well, she would just have to get some new ones right? Walking around the room, she examined it closely. There were sure to be some bugs in there somewhere, right? Or maybe she was just being paranoid, either way she'd have to look into that.

Upon further inspection of the room she saw a large desk with a private terminal and lots of empty shelving. She needed some books... But the more she thought about all the space she had the more she wondered what happened to all of her belongings… Would she ever see the things she saved from her old life on Mindoir? Was everything she had from Olor lost? Looking around that room only made her sad, so she decided to do what she did best and get to work.

As if the gods had answered her prayers a Cerberus personal named Hope Lillian paged over the comm requesting a meeting in the debriefing room. Miss Lillian had several data pads with information on her new crew ready and waiting. Taking this as a much needed exit from her thoughts she complied hastily. 

Riding the elevator back down to the main level Jane tried her best to find the debriefing room. "Damn it, why is this ship so big." Asking aloud to herself as she let out a long sigh.

"Commander, if you are looking for something you need only ask. Part of my systems primary functions are to assist you as needed." The smooth electronic voice boomed around her and she jumped at the intrusion.

"Right. An AI... I almost forgot about you. Joker, isn't going to like this." She crossed her arms looking at the bright blue orb moving in front of her.

"Mr. Moreau has complained on several occasions since my installation and has sense been found attempting to tamper with my controls. Your assessment is correct, Shepard." EDI replied just as smoothly as before.

"That sounds about right. I'll see if I can talk to him… Can you tell me where the Debriefing Room is, EDI?" Asking as she uncrossed her arms and shifted her weight.

"Yes, Commander. The Debriefing Room is directly behind the Galaxy Map, in between the Armory and The Tech Lab. You are technically standing right in front of it." EDI's electronic voice spoke calmly from her blue sphere.

"Right… thanks…" Jane turned entering the room behind her, realizing that it clearly said 'Debriefing' next to the door, she laughed to herself.

"Shepard. I have your dossiers." Miranda walked to her handing over several data pads.

"Uh, you're not who I was expecting."

"Ah, yes. Ms. Lillian. She was called off by the Illusive Man... No matter, I have what you need." Miranda replied as she walked past Shepard, leaving her in the room.

"Alright, then." She mumbled to herself again before retreating to her cabin. 

After grabbing a snack of course, she returned to her room with arms full of datapads. She couldn't deal with the silence of being alone in there, so she turned on the overly expensive stereo system. Some annoying techno played, but it was better than nothing. Anything was better than silence... Plus, she could always find better music once she went to the Citadel again. Running a finger through the files, she noticed how interesting all of the names were.

The Professor, The Convict, The Warlord… Archangel.

In addition to her formal dossiers, she had received messages instructing her to recruit a Zaeed Massani, and one Kasumi Goto. She sure had a lot of work to do… 

Having been dead for 2 years really didn't help her insomnia so she spent the remainder of the night reading up on her new potential crew mates. She first read about the Professor, since he was to be her primary target as suggested. The Professor was a brilliant salarian scientist and as the Illusive Man had mentioned, he was essential to counteracting those sleeper swarms. But no matter how hard she tried to focus on the task at hand, she found herself looking back to the name 'Archangel'. Finally she gave in to the temptation to read the file.

—

_Archangel_

_-Small unit tactical expertise_

_-Omni-tool expert and noted sniper_

_Archangel is a mercenary commander whose operations are noted for their tactical expertise and strategic brilliance. He is responsible for high-profile attacks on gang leaders on Omega and can likely be found there._

—

She read the short dossier again. And again. And again.

There was something about it… but what was it?


	7. A Wise man Knows himself to be a Fool

Things had gone extremely well for Garrus since he had moved to Omega. He and his squad had taken on the majority of all the gangs, and it seemed that their hard work was actually paying off. I guess almost 2 years of cleaning the streets was bound to pay off eventually right? But even with his successes he still felt unease. Waking some mornings didn't feel possible. But today like all days he had to continue. Waking in his quarters he heard his men's muffled voices outside his door. Blinking back the call of sleep as he lifted his arms in a long stretch. 

Garrus and his crew had a compound they all lived in together and it truly was the perfect set up. He was with friends, they were doing right by the world... he was doing right by Shepard… Even with the unease he felt, most days he was even happy. On the good days life seemed to have meaning again. Today wasn't one of the good ones though. Today was different. Today Shepard had be gone for two years exactly. 

Somehow he had managed to survive a two full years without her. It hadn't been easy. Boy, it hadn't been easy. There were were many times he wanted to give up, and even a few where he did. But seeing all the good he was doing on Omega, he could never stay down for long. He knew that Shepard may not have approved of his methods, but she would approve of his reasoning.

Today instead of leaving bed immediately he lay for awhile, thinking about her. Garrus hadn't let himself really think about her in a long time... Most times he tried it was just too painful. He was unable to deal with the way it made him feel, so eventually he just started blocking it out. Blocking her out. It had gotten so bad at one point that he even hallucinated her a few times... 

Mostly he'd see her when he'd be in a long battle. Instead of Sidonis or Fraiden behind him, he'd see Shepard. Other times he'd see her face on whatever civilian he had failed to save that day. Finding eventually that the only way he could stop himself from seeing her was to just… not think about her. To try to forget her... But forgetting about a woman like Jane was hard. That and he couldn't help himself from wearing her tags every day. Garrus knew what the biggest reason he couldn't move on was because he wouldn't let himself. 

There was a big part of himself that felt stronger having that piece of her with him. But he also felt weaker somehow. As hard as it had been to think of her these last two years, and as much as he tried to stop himself in the past... He forced himself in this moment. He let himself remember the softness of her skin, and the way she felt against him that night. He let himself remember the way her crimson hair felt in his hands and the intensity from when their mouths met. He let himself see those big emerald eyes, and that scar across her eyebrow. 

Today on the anniversary of her death, he thought about her so intently... he got so lost in her... that he began to see her laying next to him.

"You're not really here." His raspy voice whispered to his imagination of Shepard. 

Her hair was spread all over the pillow above her in a mess of soft waves. She lay peacefully in an N7 issued tank top. One of the straps hung loosely off her shoulder, she rest her face on her hands.

"I beg to differ. If I wasn't here would I be able to do this?" She leaned over kissing him, both hands around his mandibles firmly. 

He could feel it. He could really feel lit... He could feel her warmth, her kiss and her hurried breath hot on his face. He could feel his hands slide to her hips as he pulled her onto him. He could smell her lavender skin and taste her…

"No. You're dead." He stopped pulling away from his fantasy or better worded... from his delusion. His hands rest at her wrists that were still firmly planted on his face.

"Alright, I'll just leave then I guess." She pulled away from him with her voice raised high. 

But as she started to lift off him, he grabbed her wrists lightly holding her in place on him. He could feel her in his arms… right? Maybe she was really there. He could smell her after all…

"That's what I thought, big guy." She smiled again leaning back onto him and kissing him once more.

_Knock knock knock knock knock_

"Arch, it's time to go. We have to get there early if we want to catch this bosh'tet." Neal'Rehn yelled from the other side of his door.

Garrus shot his eyes to his hands. They were outstretched and grasped firmly onto nothing. Holding air... Of course Jane hadn't really been there. He had been sleeping. But when he thought back to the other times he had seen her over the last few years, nothing was ever this vivid… or this real. If he had been dreaming this time... It sure was some dream. It was almost too much for him to handle and in that moment he almost broke.

"Yeah, give me a minute." He called back rubbing his face, pulling himself further from his hallucination.

When he finally found the strength to pull himself from bed that day he dressed in his usual blue and black heavy armor. Garrus went to meet the rest of his crew in their meeting room and was the last one to arrive. And it wasn't like Archangel to arrive late. If he did, his squad usually knew something was up. No one really knew much about his past, but they knew Archangel. The one thing they did know though was that he didn't like to talk about it. Anytime one of them would bring it up, he would change the subject immediately. 

At first there had been a lot of questions. Where did the name come from? What was his real name? Why did he care what happened on Omega? The biggest question though was where the hell did that Spectre requisition riffle come from? Had he been a Spectre himself? Did he loot it after killing a Spectre maybe? No matter what crazy ideas they'd throw at him in speculation he wouldn't react. He kept that same straight face, mandibles pulled in tight offering nothing in return.

Eventually they stopped asking. They realized it wasn't just him being mysterious, or making them work for it. He just really couldn't talk about it. He couldn't think about it, what ever it was. Once his crew realized that, they stopped asking. They may have learned to stop asking him about himself, but they could still see when something was wrong. He carried himself a different way those days, and that swagger was a tell to his crew. Not only that, but they caught on when he would space out on one of them during a fight. That look he'd given them all at least once over the last couple years. Each of them had seen the urgency in his face when he'd look at a dead human they had failed to save. 

Nael had become pretty close to Archangel, and wondered what he saw when he looked at them that way. It was obvious that they all were running from something or other. But the look in Archangels eyes was something else and Nael could see that.

Another 2 weeks passed and Garrus had started seeing Shepard every day. Everywhere he went, she was there. In his dreams and in his crew's faces… But most of the time he'd see her just standing by him, or sitting on the ledge he ducked behind. It was getting a little weird if he could be honest. Was he finally just losing his mind?

 _After 2 years you decide to finally go crazy, Vakarian?_ She asked him. 

As nice as it was to see Shepard everywhere he looked, he couldn't help but fear that he was going completely mad. That now finally after all this time he was losing it. Descending deeper into madness... it was clearly too late for him wasn't it? Even with the fear that built stronger each day, they had to keep at it. He had to keep strong. Omega still had far too many scummy criminals and even though they had made a surplus of credits, he wanted to go further. Garrus knew they were close to purging Omega. Now with their funding, they could go after the big guys. Maybe even Aria eventually… Reluctantly his crew agreed, they had done too much and gone too far to stop now.

"Good. Because I have a lead. Blood Pack mercs running a gun smuggling operation. Apparently they are Aria's direct supplier." Sidonis spoke suddenly, his voice was rushed. "Archangel and I will go to the Kenzo district tonight."

"Alright. Are you sure this lead is solid, Sidonis?" Garrus asked, something about the urgency of Sidonis' voice worried him.

"Positive. Don't you trust me, Arch?" Sidonis said back cooly with a smile.

He looked passed Sidonis, seeing Shepard leaning against the wall behind him. Her face was emotionless, he watched as she shook her head side to side slowly. After a moment he looked back to Sidonis, nodded then split the crew up. It would just be the two of them scooping the area that night. He had planned to head to the location together, but Sidonis suggested they arrive separately as not to arouse suspicion. Skeptically he complied. He thought back to how he saw Shepard in their hideout, shaking her head at him... He pushed back the feeling in his stomach. No matter how far it stretched its way up his chest, he still ignored it.

Scouting the area and finding a nice spot on one of the tallest buildings he sent Sidonis his coordinates. He could watch the whole area, and he'd have perfect vantage for a shot if need be. After all they were just going to investigate tonight, follow them back to their base- rough them up a bit. The usual. He waited for Sidonis. And he waited. And waited. It was soon over an hour past their meeting time, and there was still no sign of Sidonis or any smuggling below. That feeling grew worse, until something came over him. He started running back towards their hideout, he felt his muscles burning as he pushed through the crowds in the grimy streets. Finally he reached his destination just in time to see it fall. The second the building was in view the sky was filled with a beautiful fiery explosion. The heat from the blast warmed his face as he covered himself, debris flying in every direction.

"Nael! Sidonis!" He yelled running up to the burning building. "Hello? Fraiden? Nazir? Is anyone alive in here?" Running into the building he search frantically for someone, anyone. 

Once he went deeper into their hide out, he could see his crew sporadically bleeding out around his feet. Different colors of blood decorated the walls and the ground around him. The smell of flesh burning… It was all coming down around him. Everything he had worked so hard for... Was crumbling to pieces.

"Damn it!" He yelled leaning down to his friend.

Nael had been laying in the hall, his environmental suit had been ruptured and the face mask was completely broken open revealing his face. This had been the first time he'd ever seen what a quarian really looked like. Nael clutched his hand over his stomach covering a large wound, blood slipping out between his three fingered hand. Garrus put his hand over the quarians applying more pressure to the wound, watching as his friend shook his head. Why the hell would a quarian become a mercenary he had asked Nael once. 'Why the hell not?' he had said back.

"It's far too late for that, friend." Nael coughed out looking up at Archangel desperately trying to hold on, but knowing it was too late.

"You better get out of here… B-before they come back. Go, Arch. You c-can't stay here, we're all dead. Don't join… us." He coughed out again, this time there was blood.

"I can't leave you here. This is all wrong. You can't all be…" He stopped himself, feeling his blood start to boil.

"We're n-not. You and Sidonis… got out right? He… said you were waiting outside… for him…" This time when Nael's eyes were losing their light...

"Sidonis wasn't here?" Garrus asked back confusion filling his voice, watching as Nael shook his head.

"N-no. You two… were…" Garrus watched as his friend stopped breathing.

The building burn around him but all he could do was look at his dead friends. His dead crew… He was responsible for this. He couldn't even keep them alive… Why had he not followed his gut? Why didn't he listen to Shepard? He knew something was weird about this... He felt it from the very beginning. Something about the way Sidonis spoke to him earlier… This couldn't be possible. How could Sidonis do this… 

_No. There was no way. But, what Nael said..._

Quickly he run through the destruction, counting and viewing each of his crew members bodies, there were only ten. Rummaging through his stuff, he tried making up excuses as to why Sidonis hadn't been there. Finding the bag he kept stored always filled with rations, medi-gel and extra ammunition for emergencies. With bag in hand he began to leave the space he once called his home. 

Garrus knew that the life they had built there couldn't last forever, that eventually he may have to run... When that day came he would be prepared. Now with the day looking him in the face he was ready. Managing to snatch the bag and exit the building before it crumbled to pieces. The space he wound up in would be good enough to hold up in for a few days while this all blew over…

Something told him that this wasn't just going to blow over though. There was more to it… 

How did they know where they were? Had Sidonis really betrayed them all… The only conclusion he could come to was that he had. Garrus remembered only having counted ten bodies in their hideout, but wasn't there was a chance he just missed Sidonis somehow? Or maybe Nael had been wrong. That the feeling in his gut had been wrong. That his hallucination of Shepard had been wrong... It had to be right? Sidonis would never do that to him. To them. No, not after all they had been through…

But Garrus soon realized this was a different kind of attack. The mercs that hunted him now weren't just from the Blood Pack. They weren't just Blue Suns. Not solely the Eclipse… No, this was everyone. He managed to piss off every merc gang so much that they literally were working together to bring him down. 

Finding the best vantage point in his new not so secret hideout, he set up to kill them. As far as locations to go out fighting in went, this one was perfect. It only had one primary entrance. A bridge, this was the best place he could be right now… Here they would funnel in one at a time and he could pick them all off… Yeah. He could do this.

It was either surrender now and die... Or take out as many of those damn bastards as he could and die.

No, he wasn't the type to surrender.

_I'll be seeing you soon, Shepard._


	8. They say Miracles are Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting things moooovin on Omega :) Chapter splits from Mainly Shep PoV to Garrus.

It was finally time for Shepard to head to Omega. She had only been there once or twice very early in her career, and her first impression wasn't a good one. The streets hadn't changed much since her last visit either, but it did seem that things weren't as out of control as before... She was reminded far too much of her time after Mindoir... Far too much of Olor. This place was so similar the slums she found herself in after the attack. The smell, the violence… She could see herself in every young girl she made eye contact with. She desperately wished she could help them all, but knew she couldn't. It didn't make seeing any of them easier though. But it did feel good to know that this Archangel had done so much for the streets. At least someone was there fighting for the underdog.

Once the three of them began exploring Omega, EDI spoke over comms to them. No matter how badly Joker complained that he hated the AI, it had to stay. Truthfully, Jane didn't mind EDI much, it was kind of nice to have all that information at her fingertips. Instead of having to look something up, she could just ask EDI. This was one of the times she- or rather it, came in handy. EDI instructed them to meet with Aria T'Loak in Omega's Afterlife; she would have information on both Archangel and The Professor.

Afterlife was just as loud and dirty as the rest of Omega. A dull red light shone from above decorating its patrons in a dull red haze. The club was full of asari dancers not unlike Chora's Den actually. There were many people dancing, drinking and smoking the night away. It was dark and she could smell the mix of cigarettes, liquor and sweat all too clearly. What a lovely combination… 

Shepard, Miranda and Jacob finally met Aria in her lounge overlooking the club like a throne. This Aria sure was one for theatrics wasn't she?

"That's close enough." Aria replied smoothly as she sip her drink. 

She sat legs crossed with brows low eyeing them each from head to toe. Aria didn't speak again, only nodding to one of her guards signaling some unspoken command. The batarian acknowledged her gesture as he pulled a scanner up from his omni-tool. Once the orange hue lit up, a small version of Shepard projected from his wrist.

"What's all this about?" Shepard crossed her arms leaning into a hip looking past the batarian addressing Aria directly.

"We can't be too sure with dead Spectres, now can we? That could be anyone wearing your face." Aria finally spoke again, wearing a small sinister smile.

"Alright. Well, are you satisfied then?" Stepping closer to Aria she continued her thought. "I was told you were the one to talk to if I had questions. You run Omega?" She finished pointing outwards towards the club.

"Ha…" With a smirked, Aria stood overlooking her kingdom. "I'm the head bitch, Overseer, Queen if you will… I am Omega." After a nod, she signaled Shepard to sit on the couch beside her. 

Lifting the glass to her lips, she took a small sip still studying Shepard carefully. Aria had heard the rumors, she knew just what this Commander Shepard had done- what she was capable of. But she had also heard that the Commander had been blown up. Spaced. Dead. Clearly that wasn't the case, at least not anymore. The Commander was sitting across from her clear as day, and last she checked it was possible- but extremely difficult to fool those kinds of scans. 

"There's only one rule here… Don't fuck with Aria." She was staring Shepard down wondering just what this human Spectre was doing there? She must know she had no authority here- Omega was free game, outside of Citadel authority... But, having Shepard on your good side may prove to be wise...

"Nice and easy. I like it." Shepard leaned back in the couch keeping her eye contact strong letting a small smile slip her lips. 

Aria joined her in a smile as she leaned back crossing her legs as she slid her eyes up and down Shepard again; inspecting every inch of her. She had seen vid's of the Commander... She seemed to check out. The scan confirmed it… Dead or not, Shepard was there and she clearly needed something. 

"I'm looking for Archangel." Jane's voice broke Aria's trance.

"You and half of Omega." Aria let out a small laugh. "You want him dead, too?"

"Dead? Why does half of Omega want him dead?" She questioned as she shifted her weight.

"He thinks he's fighting on the 'good side' of Omega… Only Omega doesn't have a good side. Everything he does just pisses someone off. It's finally catching up to him."

"He sounds perfect." She spoke with a smile with wide eyes at Aria, this time the grin she wore was real.

"Really, now? Well, aren't you interesting, Commander… You're going to make some enemies teaming up with Archangel. Assuming you can even make it to him, he's in a bit of trouble right now." Aria was almost playing with Shepard, stirring her drink watching her react.

"What kind of trouble are we talking here?" Trying not to sound too concerned she raised her voice in question. She needed the guy alive, and she wasn't really in the mood for trouble.

"The local merc forces joined together, they want him dead. They've got him cornered right now- but it sounds like they're having trouble finishing him off so to say. They've started hiring anybody with a gun to help them."

"They really want him dead that badly?" She asked voice raising again with intrigue.

"Oh, yes. He's ruthless, and idealistic. Nothing short of an annoyance to the criminals here. Which, is basically everyone. But I wouldn't get your hopes up. Even if you do reach Archangel, you still have to make it back." Aria took a sip of her drink again smiling. "Good luck." She let out, watching Shepard stand to leave.

Jane knew she didn't need to respond. Leaving in silence as she give Aria a small nod. The three of them went to the main level, finding the room where the mercs had been recruiting. It was unsurprisingly very easy to get signed on and as they were about to head to the shuttle she watched a young kid- he couldn't be more than 18, walk in past them. Before she knew what she was doing she had stopped him, disabled his faulty gun, and sent him back out where he came. She knew what they were getting into, but that was no reason to let this teen die.

She and her new Cerberus crew reached the mercs main point of coordination about 20 minutes later. Everyone around them was on edge, and she had to admit it was quite impressive and more than little intriguing how sparse everyones information on Archangel was. As she made her way through the comping she questioned each of the gangs leaders but was given very little to go on. They each had their own reason for hating this Archangel though of course, being the crime bosses they were. But somehow for how hated he was, she couldn't get any useable information. Pretty much all Jane knew he was a turian, and that he was annoying. That was about it. Well, and what Aria had said...

'He was ruthless'… 'Idealistic'… 'Trying to make a difference'…

The more she thought about him, the more this Archangel started to sound a lot like her old friend... Could it actually be Garrus here on Omega? The Illusive Man did say that he disappeared and was completely untraceable. Which could mean a few different things yes… But it wouldn't be the most ridiculous thing if he was there living the dream of a vigilante would it? 

Thinking that it could be him everyone had been so unsuccessfully trying to kill both made her hopeful and scared. If Garrus was this Archangel, it seemed he wasn't doing that well… He could even be dead before they reached him with everything that was going on. If this Archangel was Garrus, then that would mean he had given up... It would mean that he gave into his compulsions, regardless of the way he was steering it. If this was really Garrus, would she even be met with the same man?

It had been two years for him… Would he even still… want her? Miss her? Follow her into hell?

As nice as it was to imagine, she couldn't let herself get her hopes up. Even given all of the similarities between Archangel and Garrus, what were the chances of it actually being him? Turian was a very common race in the galaxy. Many people used snipers… Or want to change the world. She tried to push the feeling of hope that grew in her stomach away. She really couldn't deal with the disappointment of Archangel not being who she wanted. But the idea of him still being out there, alone living his life without her was almost worse.

Pushing away her hope as they head toward Archangels hideout, she did her best to sabotage the mercs tech and equipment; Going as far as to hack their Mech- that should be a lovely surprise for them. But the closer they got to their main assault on his base, the more anxious she grew. Shepard felt her heart pounding in her chest, the sound booming dully in her ears. That feeling of hope slipped back into her lower stomach fanning out like a warm liquid. No matter how hard she kept telling herself to stop, that it wouldn't be Garrus- she couldn't. 

Trying her best to push it aside, it was time for the assault... It was time to recruit this Archangel. It was time for disappointment.

Shepard, her crew and the mercs all made their way over a narrow bridge ready to finish off Archangel. Those mercs sure would be in for a surprise once her squad started killing them instead of Archangel... 

Stepping ahead she looked past the mercs, seeing a flash blue and black. The figure gazed through a black sniper riffle, pointed directly at her. She stood in the middle of the bridge, slowing walking towards the building, towards the figure... her gun wasn't even drawn. She bit her lip, hard enough that she could taste the cool metallic of her blood. Watching as the turian reacted to his surroundings, shooting every one around them besides her. She was lost for a moment, zoning out in the middle of an assault. Being transported to before her death… To before Garrus went back to C-Sec. 

They had been off dealing with a derelict freighter. It was full of husks and it hadn't been an easy mission despite the way it would seem. This mission had been just the two of them, so it proved a little difficult given the set up of starship. At one point they climbed high up the crates that made the room a maze, deciding to pick them off one by one from up top. Garrus had always been a fantastic shot, and she loved watching him use his sniper: There was something so elegant about the way he held that thing.

_But damn, did he need a new one…_

They lay atop the crates shooting husk after husk from cover. One by one they each fell as she watched the way he held that gun between his hands. He had this effortless grip when holding a sniper... It looked almost like it was a part of him. Garrus had always been the one to study her, but this time she was the predator learning him. Figuring out just what made him tick.

It was all so familiar. They way Archangel moved… The way he held that riffle. That riffle in general... it looked just like...

She had seen that before, she was sure of it.

_That armor… that gun… that… this… No. It's not him… Stop._

The sound of Miranda speaking combined with being shot by concussive round brought her back to the moment. Back to the bridge and back to her mission.

"Shepard! What the hell are you doing?" Miranda yelled over comm from behind cover.

_A concussive round?_

Feeling the buzz of her shield popping back up, she nodded to Miranda finally pulling her gun out. She held her fist up signaling the time for action and from behind the mercs they opened fire.

"Shit! They're with Archangel!" One of the Eclipse mercs yelled around them.

One by one the mercs fell as the three of them made their way through the building, up the stairs and to Archangel's hiding spot. After shooting the last two krogan trying to bypass his locks, they continued inside. The mechanical buzzing opened to reveal a tall, lean turian standing. Archangel stood with his back facing them. He still held his gun pointed over the ledge towards the bridge. She thought about how familiar his stance was... Taking a slow step forward she began to speak. 

Feeling herself growing warm as anxiety filled her body and voice. "Archangel?" Stepping a little closer, she felt her heart start to pound.

_It's not going to be him. It's not going to be him. It's not going to be him…_

The turian turned finally looking at her after a moment. She once again admired the metallic blue, and black of the heavy armor. Scanning each plate of sheen, she noticed a symbol she hadn't seen before. Slowly she slid her eyes to the turians face, but only saw her own reflection in the helmet. Jane did look like herself… but different. Noticing the light glow from within her scars, she forced the thought of what might be inside her away. She couldn't afford to think about what she looked like right now, so she lowered her gaze to his hands. Archangel stood stiffly holding a sleek black Spectre requisition sniper riffle... Shepard looked back to his face suddenly not speaking as the turian removed his helmet and stepped closer to her.

"Shepard?" The voice breathed out lightly looking at her as if he'd seen a ghost. 

Under the circumstances, he sorta had been hadn't he? He could hardly believe this was more than another hallucination- only this time she had her own heat signature? He could clearly see her stats trickling by his visor and unless his psychosis had escalated - she was really there this time. Watching with wide eyes as she stepped closer to him, he didn't know if he was in shock or if this was reality. 

Slowly he reached a hand out touching her face lightly. "I… I thought you were dead." His voice purred softly as he let the riffle and helmet slip from his grasp onto the nearby couch.

"Garrus?" After a moment her eyes grew wide filling with tears.

In a flash they grabbed each other tightly. Their armor clashing in an elegant thud. He was squeezing her so tightly knowing he could actually feel her this time. Burying his face into her neck and hair he could smell her. Lavender… Shepard… He pulled back after a minute placing both hands on either side of her face, looking down at her once more, feeling her fresh scars under his fingers.

"Are you really here, Jane?" Garrus looked desperately into her emerald eyes, seeing her vitals still trickling steadily.

"Are you?" She laughed her familiar chuckle as she lean her forehead to his and shut her eyes.

This was it. It really was him… 

All of her feelings and imagination had somehow turned into reality. She had no idea how, but they were together again. She wasn't going to be alone anymore. The last 24 hours had been unbearable, but the second she saw that it was him under that helmet, she knew she could do it. She could take on the Collectors, she could work with Cerberus… She could do it all because she had her best friend by her side again. 

Pulling back to study his face, she could see how tired he must he. He had been locked up there without sleep or food for god knows how long. But behind his desperation, she saw the flicker of hope. The look they shared spoke volumes, and even though no words left their lips they had an unspoken conversation. She could see the pain behind his eyes, how heavily it must have weighed down on him these last two years. She could see the desperation in them as he held her face lightly in his hands, not wanting to let go. 

He was afraid that if he did, she would disappear again.

Jane hadn't realized just how much she really missed him until he was holding her. How much she missed the pale crystal shade of his eyes, the blue of his facial tattoos... That deep reverb of his voice and the way he said her name. All of it. There were so many things she wanted to say. Where he'd been or what he'd been doing? How did he manage to piss everyone off on Omega? 

Was he happy? Had he met someone? 

'Archangel', really?

This wasn't the time though. But they were together, and they would have time to catch up soon. It may have only been a few months for her, but it had been a whole two years for him. Who really knew what he had been up to... Looking round the room and thinking back to what Aria had said, he clearly had been very busy.

"Excuse me… I don't mean to interrupt the reunion but we've still got a mission to finish, Commander." Miranda said stepping closer as she interrupted their moment.

"Right. We can play catch up once we get you out of here." She tried letting go of him but he still just held her close, not wanting to move. "Garrus, I'm here. It's really me." She looked into his eyes smiling big.

_His smile._

 

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Garrus had been in that building for almost three full days. He may have had the optimal position here, but he was running out of energy. He was running out of clips and he could feel that he was also running out of time. Having used the last of his rations earlier in the day, when night rolled in he felt himself growing weaker and weaker but the minute. He wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad sign that he was seeing Shepard consistently now. 

She was just sitting there on the ledge of the window he overlooked. One leg propped up, her hair was down hanging around her chin in light red waves. She looked lazy and comfortable with her other leg dangling over the ledge as she keep count for him.

“Oh! Nice one, Garrus.” He’d hear her say after a headshot.

“Better luck next time, big guy.” She’d say with smile and wink if he’d miss.

“Don’t forget to duck!” Swinging her foot back and forth effortlessly as she watched with amusement.

Somehow having her there talking to him was the only thing that kept him from giving up… She was the only thing keeping him alive. As always she was there protecting him, even in his sleep deprived, starvation induced delusion: Shepard was there reminding him to watch his six. A few more hours passed, he felt himself growing increasingly tired. As hard as he tried to focus on her, to focus on living… He felt the desire to continue leaving. He was close to giving up… 

It was almost done. Maybe they could be together in the afterlife? He had no idea if turian and human heaven were even the same- but he hoped so. It was hard to imagine the afterlife being everything it was said to be if she wouldn’t be there waiting for him.

During the few moments of downtime he’d get between mercenary groups, he would think back to life on Palaven. Of his sister or his parents. He and his father had never been very close, but that wasn’t uncommon among turian families. With such a strict militant culture, it was to be expected even. Even so, he loved his father dearly. They may not have always seen eye to eye, but deep down he always knew that his father was only looking out for him. Doing what he thought would be best, even if he hadn’t always agreed with his fathers methods. 

Garrus sat wondering what his family had been up to… what were they been doing these last couple years? As he reload his riffle he thought back to the first time he learned to shoot a sniper. That memory with his father now made him a confusion mixture of both happy and sad. He remembered being taught at a very young age, he had to have been no more than 10 or 11. And despite what you may think, he wasn't always such a gifted shooter. In fact, he used to be pretty damn terrible at it. As he wait for more megs he thought back to the first time he held his mothers riffle... Remembering the urge he felt to give up. The urge he was feeling now... 

A weekend full of missing your target would do that to you though. A weekend full of never ending targets and dwindling supplies will do that to you...

One second he's on Omega hallucinating his dead Commander, and the next he was back on Palaven with his father.

“Garrus… I’m going to tell you something and you may not care right now. But one day you will think back to this moment and be thankful.” Castis’ looked down at his young son, his voice was strong and filled with determination. “If you give up once something gets difficult, you will never make it anywhere in life. Keep trying.”

“But what if I’m just not good at this, dad? What if I just suck… What if I’m not like you or mom.” Lowering the sniper as he spoke, feeling the heaviness of the gun. The thing was far too large for a turian of his size, but it would be his one day and he needed to get used to it.

“You’re a sniper, son. Just like your mother. Trust me.” Smiling down at him, he touched his shoulder lightly holding it there in a long silence before starting again. “One day, you may have to make a choice, Garrus. To give up or keep going even if things don't seem hopeful... Sometimes you have to be strong enough to do the right thing, no matter how difficult it may be. And sometimes the right thing is to keep going. Now keep trying, son.” Castis left Garrus alone after that, to his thoughts and his target practice.

When he added back into the present he realized he hadn't understood his fathers words then. Then he couldn’t understand what it had to do with him learning how to shoot a gun either. But even then he did see his father had seen his potential. As he look back on it now though, he finally realized what his father had meant by all of it. He realized what all of their fights at C-Sec had had truly been about. All of their arguments about duty, or doing the right thing... It all made sense to him now. 

Hearing another round of mercs nearing his location he was ripped from his peaceful memories and realizations. Back in this room and close to death. Turning swiftly to to face his imaginary companion with a nod, she was no where to be found. Garrus searched the room frantically for her being haunted by the thought of being alone. It wasn’t possible for him to make it without her. 

Where had she gone? Why had she left him now… He was so close to the end he could almost taste it and all he wanted was to look at her. To smell her…

And there it was… Lavender…

This wasn’t like before though, where he had to focus hard until the smell became reality. No, this scent was there all on its own and boy was it strong… He could smell her skin and even her blood… 

Garrus thought on how close to the end he must be if he was hallucinating so vividly now. How near death he must be... so close to peace and the promise of rest.

Her scent was almost too real. It was far too fresh to be anything but reality right? No, because Shepard was dead. She had been dead for 2 years and 13 days and now he was going to join her. Garrus knew this must mean his time was up… but if he was going to die tonight, he was at least going to say goodbye to his family. He would call and apologize to his father for all the stupid shit he had done. Garrus was going to fix this before he couldn’t any longer. After their last meeting he owed it to his father… He owed it to himself. 

They may have fought regularly while working together, but their last fight had been the worst of it. Castis had never really approved of his son’s methods or disregard for rules. And seeing his son spiraling downward was hard, Garrus knew that. The last time he spoke to Castis had been right after the Battle of the Citadel… Right before he quit C-Sec and ran away. When he thought back to why they had fought in the first place, he could barely remember it had been so ridiculous. Castis had released a suspect Garrus had been investigating because he didn't approved of his methods in gathering evidence. It was dirty, so Castis let him walk. 

As angry as Garrus was that day, he accepted it. Plus, at that time he had bigger things to worry about. He had just met Shepard, and she had invited him on her mission. He couldn’t worry about some random smuggler with a task like the one she had offered him. Only after the battle, after Shepard died… he couldn't take it anymore. Being on the Citadel with all those scummy criminals walking free drove him mad, until one day he broke. In his rage he went after the suspect his father released months before. 

The anger and pain he felt from losing Shepard was enough to send him after Milern with one thing on his mind: Justice. Rule breaking or not, he needed to make this bastard pay. Garrus no longer cared if his methods would throw off the balance of C-Sec or make his father look bad… It may not have been the plan to assault the salarian, but once he saw him he lost all composer; Beating the man within an inch of his life. Castis heard the news and was not pleased. In fact it was more accurate to say that he was furious. Castis went as far as to threaten throwing Garrus in jail himself. Had he killed Milern, he would have had no other choice but to imprison his only son… But given his position in C-Sec and the fact that Milern didn’t feel like pressing charges for whatever reason he resisted the urge. Part of it was because he could see how badly Garrus had been since the Commanders death...

In another flash he was transported from Omega, and back to the Citadel. He was in his fathers office again the night he almost beat Milern to death...

“Damn it, Garrus. You are completely out of control. Just look at yourself. Have you checked a mirror lately, son?” Castis looked down his nose at him as he sat with bloodied hands. His voice full of disgust and a hit of confusion.

“The bastard had it coming and you know it.” Garrus growled out not looking to his father, his own voice full of rage and shame.

“Look at me when I’m speaking to you.” His fathers voice raised, but he was somehow still calm and collected. “What is this? You have always been rash… impatient. But this is getting pathetic, Garrus.” He locked eyes with his son finally.

“What do you want me to say, dad?” The rage seemed to leave Garrus' voice momentarily and this time when he spoke it was soft and quiet.

“I want you to tell me what the hell happened on that ship.” Castis replied as he lean back on his desk across from his son.

“You read the reports.” Garrus’ tone was flat as his voice evened out, knowing he had to stay calm.

“I want to hear it from you. Explain it to me.”

After a moment Garrus leaned forward covering his face with his hands. Letting out a deep sign, he leaned back again looking at his father with heavy eyes. “Shepard is—... was important to me. I’m not taking her… the attack well.”

“Clearly. What about this humans death has you so distraught, Garrus? You barely spent four months with the human... How important to you could she really have been? The Council is denying all of her claims, she appears extremely unstable-.” Castis’ voice was steady but his words infuriated Garrus. 

He stood up angrily grabbing his father by the cowl, shoving him back onto the desk which he sat.

Growling his words inches from his fathers face as he spoke. “You have no idea what we went through. What she went through to save all of your sorry asses. You owe your life to that _human_. I owe my life to her.” 

Castis shoved him off, sending him backwards into the chair he previously sat. “Get out of here, Garrus. Take a shower, get some sleep and take a few days off.” Castis’ voice was loud and not nearly as controlled as before as he signaled towards the door.

After a moment, Garrus listened but not before kicking the chair he sat breaking it to pieces. He heard the muffled sound of his father shouting after him, but he just continued walking out of the office. Deciding right then to leave the C-Sec life behind him once and for all. Deciding to leave his father behind with it. 

His chest heaving up and down, each breath filling him with more anger. Stepping deeper into darkness. Closer to losing himself… 

When he returned to the room by the ricochet of gunfire, he realized how silly he’d been acting. Just like a child... He was mourning then. Okay, he was still mourning. But his father just wanted to understand why. He needed all of the details, the whole story to see why his son was being effected the way he was. He understood that now, but in that moment he hated his father for making him think about it. For talking about her like she was just some random unimportant human. If only his father knew how important she really was. Not just to him, but to the universe. 

Finally his thoughts had a break when he saw his farther pop up on his omni-tool. Castis was unclear and glitchy, the reception was terrible.

“Garrus? Is that you? I can--rely see you-“ His father spoke with slight worry leaving his voice.

“Dad… I… I’ve been thinking a lot about the last couple years. I’m in a bit of a situation down here… I. Dad, I don’t think I’m gonna be making it out of this one.” The words were hard for him to speak, as if saying them out loud solidified his fate. Hearing his father begin to speak, he continued cutting him off. He had to get this out. “Listen, I need to say this before I can’t… Dad, I’m sorry. For everything.”

Castis didn’t speak at first, only look at him through a broken projection. He had been observing again. Taking in the words and analyzing them as closely as possible. When he finally spoke it wasn’t what Garrus had expected to hear. 

“Now, Garrus. Forge--hatever you’re on about. You finish up your target practice and ge--ack to Palaven. We can sort everything out when you get here, alright s-s-son? Your mother and sister miss you. We all miss--ou.” Castis said strongly but they both knew...

“Yeah… Okay, Dad.” He grew quiet looking away from his father’s broken projection, down the barrel of his sniper. 

That’s when saw her. She walked slowly forward below him wearing a set of brand new N7 armor… The lavender and blood was stronger than before, growing closer, growing stronger as she did. He watched her stop as she stand still in the center of the bridge no weapon in hand. Moving his gaze back to his father he nodded. 

“I’ll be home when I can… My odds just got a lot better.” With that he closed the omni-tool and began shooting at the mix of mercs running in below him. 

Garrus noticed she was still looking up at him from the center of the bridge. She wasn't paying any attention to her surroundings in the slightest. Was this another vivid hallucination? She was too far away to get a proper reading off of… What was he thinking, of course it wasn’t real… Shepard was dead. She had been dead for 2 years and 13 days.

_Oh, what the hell._

He shot a concussive round at her… Why the hell not right? If she was dead and this was all an extravagant hallucination what was the harm, right? 

He watched as she react to the force as it hit her, hearing one of her companions shout shortly after. The voice came from a woman, she was tall, thin with long black hair. In all of his previous hallucinations, he had never seen Shepard like this. Interacting with people around her... This was different. Watching carefully as she finally reached behind her, grabbing a riffle off her back. Keeping his eyes glued to the figure as she disappeared beneath him entering the building. Continuing to knock out each merc that jumped over the bridge until there were only a few left scattered below him… 

_What the hell is happening?_

Now he could smell the lavender growing closer, it was stronger than ever… It felt as though she was actually standing in the room with him this time. He even caught the slight smell of her sweat mixed with her rich, familiar blood… 

Then he heard a familiar voice over his shoulder— her voice. Garrus didn’t move, he couldn't move. All he could do was stand stiffly as he breathe with a force, frozen in fear. He was utterly terrified... But after a second he turned to face her ghost, what choice did he have if Death had come for him?

“Archangel?” It said. She said.

But this wasn't death. This was Shepard. She was standing there, clear as day. She looked different though… Not how she usually looked in his hallucinations. Her hair was longer, past her shoulders now. The armor she wore was different with hardly a scratch on it. Actually, it looked brand new. When he slid his eyes to her face, he noticed she didn’t have the scar on her brow anymore either. Instead there were these new bright orange ones that seemed to glow beneath the surface of her pale freckled skin. 

It wasn’t right, she wasn't right. Not really. But.. it was Shepard wasn't it? It had to be, that much he knew. After a moment he sucked it up and removed his helmet ready to speak to her.

“Shepard?” His voice was soft as he held mandibles lose to his face. 

All of a sudden he just knew. It was really her. He may not have known what this was or how it came to be- but he knew she was there. There was no way he was imagining her this time. Stepping closer to her, he extended a hand slowly to her face as he speak again. “I…I thought you were dead.”

“Garrus?” The second his name left her lips he grabbed her, squeezing her tightly. 

This was real. He could really feel her this time… It wasn’t like before, it couldn’t be. Could it? 

Burying his face into her neck breathing in deep, he knew. The smell of her sweat. Her blood... It was Shepard. But he didn’t have long to enjoy their time together, they were interrupted by the dark haired woman from before. As he eyed her companions he immediately recognized the logo on both of their uniforms. Just what the hell was going on here? 

After a few minutes the initial shock wore off. He decided to accept that either he was already dead, or that she actually was alive, well and with him. Garrus wasn’t sure which would be easier to believe though. Before he could decide which it was, they were attacked again. The four of them fought off merc after merc with new found strength. Things may have been getting bad, but they had found each other. He watched as Shepard left with Miranda to deal with the mess downstairs, Leaving Jacob with him to continue the assault safely from above. Watching as her crimson hair bounced down the hall and out of the room, but not before she looked back at him one last time giving him a wide smile.

_His smile._

It was hard watching her walk away. Half of him expected he’d never see her again, but after syncing their omni-tool’s, and his visor to her suit he knew it was real. He knew she was real. Seeing her stats, hearing her voice in his ear… That was the reassurance he needed to know she was really there, she was really alive. That somehow Shepard was alive.

“Come back to me, Jane.” 

"Always."

 

——————————————————————--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It hadn't been easy securing Garrus' hideout. She realized though that she barely felt a thing since she came back… No doubt due to her new cybernetics. Just how extensive had the work Miranda done on her been? She'd have to find out if they made it out of here alive. But in that moment she felt a strange tinge running up her arm and through her body. What was happening to her?

Before she could think her left arm flew out sending a bolt of blue-white energy from her fingertips straight into the vorcha in front of her. A warm prickle ran all over her hand and up her arm as she stood back in confusion looking to her companion desperately. Miranda was too busy to notice though as she dealt with varren and other mercs. Each annoyance piling through the garage way as the timer ticked down on the final shutter. 

“Shepard, are you still there? I need you. Come back to me.” She heard his voice purr over comm to her.

“I’ll be back before you know it, big guy.” Smiling to her self as she replied, it was so nice to hear his familiar tone in her ear again. But boy, was she freaked out. She had never been a biotic before she… died. “What the hell did you do to me, Miranda?” Yelling as she turned her attention back to her companion. 

The two of them started jogging lightly towards Garrus and Jacob. Jane could hear the urgency in his voice before, and she knew they needed help. But as they joke she thought again on how strange that sensation had been. Had Miranda implanted her with some sort of biotic implant? 

“I didn’t do anything to you that I didn’t have to. Part of your upgrades, Shepard. I should have told you, but we haven’t really had the time.” Miranda said back in her usual cold tone. 

“I didn’t ask for any of this, Miranda… ” Jane's voice was a whisper as they approach a pack of Blue Sun’s from behind.

“But you got it. Can you honestly say that you wish I hadn’t brought you back? That seeing whoever the hell that is up there didn’t make you glad to be alive again?” Speaking cooly and quietly over a private channel, they took down each merc between them and their crew.

“ _Whoever the hell that is_ , is none of your damn business. How do I even know you brought me back right, Miranda? Am I even me anymore?” She was free to be angry now with the mercs dead. But she meant what she asked, was she even herself now?

“Actually it is. I spent two years of my life on you, Shepard. I did everything I did because that’s what it took to bring you back. You can be angry or you can take what we gave you to stop the Collectors and maybe you can have a life after." Pausing to brush off Jane's protests, she waved a hand and continued. "To answer your question, you’re you. This isn’t the conversation for now, but I will tell you this. I wanted to implant you with a control chip, but the Illusive Man stopped me. He didn’t want to risk you coming back wrong… So you can assume you’re as much you as ever. Now can we go?”

She didn’t like it but Miranda had a point. She may not have asked for any of this, but she got it. That and she knew this wasn’t the ideal time to talk about the details of the Lazarus Project, but believe me they would be talking about it. “Control chip, really?” She asked with slight annoyance in her voice. The look Miranda gave meant the conversation was over. 

The two of them killed the remainder of the mercs further along their path and just as they all were about to make a run for the exit a gunship pulled up to the window, unloading merc's and sending bullets flying. 

“Damn it! I thought I put that thing down.” Garrus shouted looking over at the gunship from behind cover. 

“I helped a little.” She smiled at him, finally relaxing a bit. “Can’t fix a gunship with a dead mechanic.” 

Garrus thought about her words for a moment. Shepard had really killed the gunships mechanic on her way here... She had somehow joined their mercenary group, then pursued him. Debatably breaking her own rules to reach him... But did the mechanics life count since he was a mercenary and planned to kill them anyway? She hadn't known before that he and Archangel were one and the same, so why go through all the trouble? Or did she somehow know? 

He couldn’t think about what any of that meant yet. He couldn’t think about whether or not this had been an elaborate dream or not either. But after a while they seemed to finally be making a dent on the gunship. Seeing a break in fire Garrus attempted to change positions, but as he stood the gunship reappeared suddenly sending a rocket straight for him. The brunt of the force landing directly into his shoulder, neck and face.

“Garrus!” Jane screamed as she watched the round fly into him sending him backwards in a loud thud of smoking metal and blue blood. 

Dropping to all fours she leaned out to him in attempts to pull him to safety… Pulling him back as she slide his upper torso and head into her lap. Looking down at him, watching the deep cobalt blood as it pour out of his face and neck in warm wet beads. Noticing that his armor was still smoking and warm from the impact, the room grew silent around her. Throwing her shaking hands over the wound on his neck she quickly brought up some medi-gel on her omni-tool. Trying to do anything… 

“Fucking kill that thing!” She yelled over comm to Jacob and Miranda. 

Jane hadn’t realize it, but she had started crying— again. She was shaking her head back and fourth trying to wake him, to keep him conscious... to keep him alive.

“Garrus, please. No, no, no. You can’t do this. I just got here… Come back to me, Garrus. Come on. You can't leave me.” Begging him to hold on, she rocked back and forth holding him closely. 

Behind her she heard Miranda calling the Normandy for immediate extraction and instructing Joker to have Dr. Chakwas in medical ready. She hadn’t even realized that they took the gunship down already and it was time to leave but in that moment the sounds or the room came rushing back to her. 

_Garrus is so close… No. He was going to be alright._

“Shepard… I don’t think he’s going to make it.” Jacob whispered as he lean down beside her placing a hand on her shoulder. 

“Don’t.” Her voice was dark and terrifying. 

But in that moment she felt Garrus breathe heavily in her arms, gasping for air. He was still with her… she felt a sigh of relief part her lips. He could still make it… 

A few minutes later the Normandy pulled up and Jacob and Shepard rushed him to the Med Bay. The crew was alarmed by the commotion, watching the three of them stumble to pull Garrus to Medical. A trail of bright blue blood leaving droplets behind them. 

Dr. Chakwas took one look at them as terror filled her face. She immediately noticed the amount of blood all over them- and her face went pale as she realized how badly this all looked. Pointing to Shepard she spoke firmly. “Out!” 

“Absolutely not. I won’t leave him.” Shepard had still been crying. She was covered in smears of his blood on her face and hands. Her whole voice and body shaking and breaking with each word. 

“Shepard, you’re a mess. You have to listen to me. You will not help by being here right now.” Chakwas grabbed both of Shepard’s shoulders causing her to make eye contact. 

The look she returned to Karin was intense. Full of horror and rage, Jane slid her eyes from Karin back to Garrus who was laying on one of the cots bleeding out. 

“Stop worrying about me and help him!” She yelled shrilly as she shoved Karin off of her, throwing herself towards Garrus. 

“Get her out of here right now, Jacob!” Chakwas shifted her demands to him as she adjusted her attention towards Garrus. 

Jacob looked apprehensively at Shepard and then back to the Doctor. Jane shook her head at him, but he stepped closer to her anyway.

“Sh-Shepard…” Garrus coughed out, thrashing about the bed. In an instant Jane pushed passed Jacob, rushing to his side. She looked at him with pain behind her eyes as she kneel lightly touching his face. This was the first time she’d ever seen him without his visor on. And she could see that he was dying… 

“Shepard! Damn it, Jacob. We are going to lose him if you don’t get her the hell out of here!” Chakwas yelled again, desperately trying to push Shepard away. 

Jacob came from behind wrapping his arms around her. Holding her tightly in place, pulling her backwards further from Garrus. Each step further and further away… She struggled, she kicked, she even screamed a little. But everyone there knew if she wanted to break free, she could have. She only protested because she couldn't stand to see him like that, or deal with the thought of losing him… She only held back because she knew if she didn’t, she would. Once Jacob pulled her out of Med Bay, the mechanical buzz closed the door hiding Garrus from her sights. The usual green switched to a light red; signaling the door was locked. 

Shepard finally used her strength sliding down and out of Jacobs arms, she quickly shot out a leg kicking him backwards on the ground slipping into a pool of Garrus’ still warm blood. She stood up quickly as she walked towards the elevator leaving Jacob confused and pained on the floor. She noticed the gasps and looks she got on her walk to the elevator, but it wasn't until she was alone in her room that guilt and fear filled her. 

She was begging the universe, the spirits, the goddess… everyone she could think of to save him. To let her see him again… With panicked tears she looked to her hands, realizing in that moment he was covered in him. Her fingers were sticky, tacked together by a dark blue staining her skin and lining her fingernails. Flipping them back and forth she stared frantically wiping them on each other then on her armor... 

No, that wasn’t working. There was just more warm blue blood anywhere she touched. 

Ripping off her armor, she threw the pieces in every direction. Once she was free of their constricting reminder she rushed to her bathroom with hurried breaths. Biting back tears as she shoved her hands into the sink, feeling the scolding water as it run over her hands pulling the blue lightly in airy swirls. Desperately washing evidence of his accident down the drain. Finally she pulled her face upwards finally noticing her reflection in full. 

She looked terrifying... she was pale and despite having been ‘comatose or worse’ for two years she looked like she hadn’t slept in months. Noticing the deep glowing scars all over her face and the blue blood smeared all over her... The messiest of her hair as it stuck together in thick chunks. The blue specks and smears decorating her skin and under suit. She was completely covered in him. 

In a rage she sent her fist forward into the glass feeling it crumble beneath her hand. The impact causing the glass to break in a ripple around her knuckles. She barely even felt it. What she did feel though was her own warm blood running down her hands as she watched it trickle down the mirror, pooling on the counter. She no longer could see the face that looked back at her… The unnatural orange hue that glowed under her skin was now a blur before her. After she composed herself enough, she turned to the shower stepping in. Sliding down in the corner she zoned out feeling the hot droplets splash her, washing away all evidence of his accident. Of her outburst. She hadn’t even bothered to remove her under suit, she just watched as the dark blue faded more with each drop of water. 

“Come back to me, Garrus…” She pleaded out loud to nothing but running water. 

Jane spend the next hour sitting, hoping that he'd make it. Knowing his blood had been washed off long ago, but still feeling it all over her. Unable to fully process any of the last day... It was all far too much for any one person to handle. She went from being dead to being alive, from having no idea where Garrus could be, to finding him miraculously despite all odds... and now she would lose him all over again before she even had him back. She knew this task would be hard, but now that she saw Garrus again… The thought of having to endure any of it without him was unbearable.

“Commander. I thought you would like to know that Operative Lawson is making her way towards your private quarters.” EDI chimed over the comm smoothly. 

Using this as a sigh to move, she finally removed her soaking under suit to shower properly. Washing her hair and under her fingernails an extra time, she had to be sure... As she heard Miranda knocking she instructed EDI to have her wait outside- knowing she’d be fine out there for just a few more minutes. As the minutes passed she felt composed enough to face her.

“Commander.” Miranda spoke gravely once the door buzzed open.

“Miranda.” Jane's hair dripped beads of water onto her top. 

She wasn’t used to this kind of casual wear... It looked a lot like Dr. Chakwas’ medical uniform, but sported that terrible Cerberus logo she hated so much. Nothing else they provided her with was any better though, so she dealt with it. It felt good to be out of that armor, to not feel his sticky blood on her hands any longer. 

“Your friend, Archangel… Things aren’t looking good for him. You should say your goodbyes Commander.” Miranda's voice was almost comforting as she look around the mess of Shepard’s cabin. Noticing blood and armor decorating most surfaces. 

“Miranda… I want you to listen to me very carefully.” Jane stepped closer to her, too close with emerald eyes filling red with rage. Her strong and composed face looked into Miranda's pale blue ones sternly as she spoke. “You save him or I walk.” 

“Pfffft. Right, Commander Shepard is going to walk, leaving the galaxy in total destruction over the lost of a turian. I find that hard to believe.” She scoffed almost laughing as she placed a hand on her hip.

“You say you know me so well... What do you think, huh, Miranda? Do you really want to find that out? Does the Illusive Man?” She finished raising her hand pointing a finger at Miranda's chest. “I don’t care what you want me to do. I don’t care what he asks of me- I’ll do it. Just... Miranda, I know what you’re capable of. Please.” Shepard’s eyes were intense, but also soft and pleading. 

Miranda crossed her arms, bitting her lip thinking- studying Shepard for a moment. “Fine. But I make no promises.” 

Shepard watched as she turned and left the room. After a moment she let out a half relieved sigh and thew herself down on the bed covering her face with her arms. She felt like crying again, but this time nothing would come out. She moved her arms to the side, looking up at the empty space around the Normandy. She felt scared by it for a moment... How silly was that, a crime fighting space zombie was afraid of the open galaxy now. But like always she forced herself to stay with it. If she was going to be afraid she was at least not going to hide from the fear. 

Hours passed and she still lay there not moving, staring into the abyss.

“Shepard, you may wish to pay a visit to the Med Bay. It appears that Mr. Vakarian has now reached stable vital levels.” EDI’s smooth mechanical voice boomed around her suddenly. 

“Thanks, EDI.” She said as she threw herself from bed with destination in mind. 

“Certainly, Commander.”

Feeling her heart racing as the elevator took her downstairs, she grew more anxious with each step[. He was stable, EDI had said- that was good news. Stable was good… She walked into the Mess Hall where several Cerberus crew members sat around drinking coffee or eating something or other. The blood that had been dripping from Garrus had all but been erased, not a clue of the incident was left in sight. Upon inspecting the room further she saw Dr. Chakwas sitting at a table drinking from a mug. 

Walking over to her she sat timidly across from her. “Karin, I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me- I, I’m still not. Back to myself since…” 

Shepard hadn’t meant to be so rough or rude to Karin. Dr. Chakwas was one of the only people that she knew she could trust on this ship- but in that moment everyone was her enemy.

“That’s quite alright, Commander. To have gone through what you have in the last 30 hours and not have a bit of a breakdown would have been remarkable. I’d have been more worried if you hadn’t.” She ended reaching a hand out and placing it over Shepard’s offering comfort. 

“Is he going to be alright?” Jane whispered as she look down and their hands. “Please don’t lie to me.” 

“It doesn’t look great, Shepard. But there is still hope. If not for Miranda, I’d have said he was already lost … But I believe the cybernetics she installed should do the trick. We’ve done what we can- it’s up to Garrus now.” She ended removing her hand realizing Shepard had been bleeding. “Let’s get that cleaned up, shall we? I’m sure you’d like to see him anyway.” With a smile they walked towards Med Bay. The mechanical buzz opened to reveal Miranda leaning over Garrus as she check his vitals. She hadn’t turned to look at Shepard or the doctor when they entered, only continued her work ignoring them.

“With your cybernetics, it shouldn’t be long before they’ve healed themselves, but I can do something about this to speed it up if you’d like, Commander.” Chakwas added as she cleaned her busted knuckles. She didn't need to ask what had happened.

“No…” Her voice was soft as she regarded her hand, feeling what little pain was present. “That won’t be necessary, just bandage me up and I’ll be fine.”

That pain was real. No matter how dull it was, it was real and it was hers. It grounded her and made her feel human. Alive. She needed that pain now more than ever. She needed it to remind her that she was real. That she was Shepard. 

Looking over at Garrus as her hand was wrapped, she smiled lightly hearing the steady beeping of his vitals. The light rise and fall of his chest gave her hope. Once Chakwas was finished, she lay on her side facing him, not believing her eyes... The whole lower half of his face down to his neck was wrapped up. Small specks of blue blood dotted the bandage, reminding her he was still bleeding under them. 

Slowly she felt her eyes growing heavier. Sleep called her, she had been up for over 35 hours and the sweet release of dreaming was beckoning her.

“You can do this, Garrus. Come back to me.” She whispered slipping into darkness.


	9. To do a Great Right, do a Little Wrong

Garrus opened his eyes slowly. A bright white spilled around him, feeling his senses were extremely dull he tried to place himself. Noticing a tight burning all along the right side of his face; the pain extending down his neck and shoulder all the way to the front of his chest. He blinked several times behind heavy eyelids, immediately noticing the tech missing from his face. Seconds passed as the room faded into focus. 

_Windows. Beds. Desk… Dr… Chakwas?_

That couldn’t be right. The last thing he remembered was being on Omega... his squad had been killed. He was alone. 

No, he wasn’t… Shepard. 

Shepard was there. He had touched her, he had smelt her… Had he really seen her? Was he really on the Normandy now? 

Looking around the room rapidly he attempted to sit up. That's when he saw her. Clear as day, he saw her. She was laying in the bed next to him silently sleeping. Her hair spread like wildfire around her perfect face. As he slid his eyes over her pale body he noticed her own bandaged hands. She really was here wasn't she? Opening his mouth to speak, he saw Chakwas walking to him holding a finger to her lips silencing him.

“She’s quite alright, Garrus. You must take it easy. It’s not every day you take a rocket to the face and live to tell the tale.” Whispering with a smile, she pushed him back into bed. “You both need rest. She will be here when you wake up, Garrus. I swear it.” 

Chakwas was trying to keep him in place, but in the confusion of his surroundings and his accident he began struggling against her. He had to talk to Shepard- he had to hear her voice to know that he hadn't just gone insane. That he wasn’t lying there dead back on Omega. That this wasn't all just a very lucid dream, or his dying wish playing back for him.

“That you making all the damn noise, Vakarian?” 

He heard her voice. It was light, soft... Just like he remembered. He dare not look at her in fear of realizing it was all imaginary. 

Seeing her lean up from his peripheral his pulse elevated. He looked desperately to Dr. Chakwas, almost as if he was begging for this not to be a dream. She gave him a light smile and a soft squeeze on the shoulder as she turned leaving the two alone. But even still he didn’t move. Garrus just lay there too afraid to look at her, but too afraid to close his eyes. He could see her figure next to him turn to face him fully now. In that moment he felt his breath quicken as anxiety pulsed through him. 

This was it. In just a few seconds he would know whether he had completely lost it, or that despite all odds he found her again. That some how she had been brought back to life. 

“How bad is it?” Garrus asked finally breaking the silence, still afraid to look at her. Unsure why this was his immediate response, he went with it relaxing into his surroundings.

“Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Just slap some face paint on, and no one will even tell the difference.” Jane laughed closing the gap between them as she join him on his bed. 

“Oh, damn it, don’t make me laugh, Shepard. My face is barely holding together as it is.” Finally he meet her eyes. 

They were hers. Big, emerald green and definitely hers. She looked more tired than usual, with dark marks under each eye, but she was still as beautiful as he remembered. Her nose was still decorated lightly with those little brown marks he loved. As he watched her, he reached a taloned hand out slowly. Almost too afraid to touch her... Afraid that once his fingertips reached her face, she would disappear again into thin air. 

But once he reached her, he felt the warmth of her skin under them. He let out a sigh of relief as he quickly sat up, putting both hands on the side of her neck lightly, turning her head side to side as he inspect her up and down. She smiled wide placing her hands over his as she allow his eyeing to continue. 

“You know, some women find facial scars attractive… mind you, most those women are krogan.” Garrus smiled back at her watching her close her eyes in bliss. Still not sure why the hell he was saying any of this, he decided to write it off due to pain meds. “Shepard…” He started again after a moment, “How is any of this possible. Joker said he saw you… I went to your funeral. I-” Garrus could barely stand it again as he stumbled finding the words. 

“I’m honestly not the one to be asking. Miranda brought me back. Well, more specifically- Cerberus did. If you didn’t already notice.” Signaling around them at the various Cerberus logos plastered on the walls. “Are you alright, Garrus?”

Jane was more than a little afraid of how he’d react to the news, she didn't want the shock to ruin their reunion. If he wasn't already too weirded out that she had been brought back to life that is...

Garrus knew just what Cerberus was... He had been with her back in the day. The sick experiments they did involving the Rachni and the Thorian... He had seen exactly what they were capable of- and he was seeing it again… Frankly, he was disturbed by their abilities. They hadn’t exactly been known as the alien friendly type either. And generally speaking, when the human Alliance thinks your pro-human group is doing something wrong- they're probably right. But they brought Shepard back, didn’t they? They had helped him on Omega before they knew who he was to her… Unless they did know all along. Regardless, it was Cerberus. 

“Frankly, I’m more worried about you. Cerberus, Shepard?” He kept her close to him, still holding her face lightly.

“I’m sure you know how bad it is out there… They brought me back to fight. I’m part of this huge plan to save the galaxy… Walking straight into hell to stop the Collectors. Win a war no one knows is coming, you know: the usual.” Laughing softly, she held back her tears of happiness and remorse. She hated how sensitive she felt these last 48 hours, would she ever get control of this... of herself? 

“If I’m going to be walking into hell I need people I can trust by my side… I need you.”

“You realize this plan has me walking into hell too right, Shepard? Heh. Just like old times.” He whispered softly, pulling their foreheads together. 

He so badly wanted to kiss her again, to feel her hands running over his plates, and around his fringe. He missed her terribly, but he could tell that it still wasn’t right, not yet. He just got her back though, one day there would be time for them.

After a moment they leaned back into his cot, he held her close as each exhale brought them closer to sleep. Closer to peace. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept so well. She couldn’t either, but she couldn’t really remember much from before the accident anyway, so she wasn't exactly 'reliable'. 

Bits and pieces were coming back to her though but still having nothing solid of the attack. Part of her time just before it was missing too. It wasn’t easy stumbling around putting the pieces together, but at least now she wasn’t going to have to do it alone. A lot could happen in two years though she was finding out. She could feel just how much that the last couple years had changed her best friend. He was still Garrus, though. He was still her turian. He was willing to follow her anywhere, even into hell. Death couldn't even change that. 

\---

They woke the next morning in the same position. Waking up and seeing Garrus was easily one of her favorite things. Waking up in his arms, was even better Watching as his chest rise and fall and as his mandibles rest lightly swaying with each breath, she smiled. Slowly reaching her hand towards the side of his bandaged face, she contemplated touching him. Hovering lightly over the wound, she traced the air above it instead. She didn’t want to hurt him after all. But feeling close to him as she trace the space around it. 

Miranda and Chakwas had done it. They really had saved him. But now as she lay with him she hoped the price she’d have to pay wouldn’t be too high. 

Even if it was, she’d pay it.

As if Garrus could feel her hand hovering above him, he quickly shot a hand out grabbing her at the wrist, flipping on top of her pinning her beneath him. His eyes shot open and they were ready to kill. No doubt he had been living the life of a mercenary too long. He’d been living a life where Shepard had been dead for too long… 

“I’m sorry. I-.” She pulled her lower lip into her mouth, biting it lightly. 

She was startled by the turn of events, but the feeling of his warmth on top of her overshadowed any fear that escaped.

“Shepard.” He said blinking as he pulled one hand to her chin, relaxing a bit. “I’m not used to… well, this. You just caught me off guard. I’ve been living on Omega for two years remember?” He looked at her intently, studying her new face- the face with the missing scar. The face with those new scars… He found himself wondering if she really was the real Shepard. Would he have been able to tell if she weren’t? If she were a clone or maybe something worse? 

Hearing Dr. Chakwas clear her throat made him realize he was still on top of her, so he removed himself after a quiet mumble and joined her in an awkward silence. After a few moments of silence they laughed together. It was nice to pretend for awhile that nothing had changed but now it was time to face the music. Moving to their feet it was time to start their day, and EDI suggested of course that Garrus meet the crew and tour the new Normandy. The Cerberus crew hadn’t been as rude as Garrus expected, and he was excited to know there was a main battery for him to hangout in. Shepard promised he’d have lots of things to calibrate, giving him that smile. 

His smile. 

Watching her, he knew without a doubt that this was Shepard. He knew her. He knew that if that wasn’t her that had been laying next to him, he’d have felt it. She may not look exactly how she used to, but dying could do that to you, right? Being rebuilt would do that to you... He may not have been able to explain how her scars had vanished, or how they'd been replaced by new bright uneasy ones. But she was Shepard, that much he knew.

If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t the same turian she left on the Docking Bay either. He had changed a lot in those last couple years. There was so much he wanted to share with her, but he couldn’t find the words. Not yet... He could tell her all about what a colossal fuckup he’d been later. Now, he was going to enjoy this. Now he was going to enjoy her. 

A few days passed and he was cleared for duty by Dr. Chakwas. The cybernetics had done a great job fixing him up, and he felt incredible all things considered. Not exactly sure how he felt about having a face and neck full of them, but it sure beat being varren food. 

\---

It was finally time for Shepard to visit the Citadel to speak with the Council. She received a message from Councilor Anderson stating he had heard the rumors and on the off chance she was actually alive- she was to report to him at once. She smiled at the message as she regard him fondly.

_It sure would be nice to see him again_. 

However, she wasn't looking forward to speaking to the Council, especially after they had spent the better part of two years discrediting her. That and she was rumored to be working with known terrorists… So they'd probably have a lot to say. 

Before she could enter through C-Sec, she was beckoned by an advertisement. That is exactly what it sounds like. 

“Commander Shepard, say the password and claim a free gift.” A cloaked woman spoke from the digital advertisement spoke. She had a purple strip down her lip and part of her chin. 

“Silence is golden.” Jane replied oddly to the advertisement after a quick smile back to Garrus remembering the dossier on Kasumi Goto. 

“Nice to finally meet you, Commander Shepard. I’m a fan.” The woman spoke again, curiosity in her voice.

“Are you now? What’s with the password?” She asked stepping back into a heel crossing her arms comfortably.

“You don’t get the title of best thief in the galaxy by being careless. Plus, I had to make sure you were legit. And now I know you’re the real Commander Shepard.” Kasumi ended with a smile, eyes glowing beneath her cloak.

“How do you know that?” Letting out a little laugh and ending with a smile as she uncrossed her arms shifting her weight. 

Garrus watched her do this a thousand times before, now was no different. There was no doubt that this was Shepard. He was learning though, that she may have been really Shepard, but she wasn’t the same person he left on the Docking Bay. 

“You have a certain aura around you. Even never having seen you before, I knew it was you. Call it intuition if you want.” The thief spoke, still smiling wide. “Kasumi Goto, but I assume you already knew that. Shall we finish this on the ship? You look pretty silly talking to an advertisement.” And with that, Kasumi sizzled out leaving them in silence.

“Well, that’s not something you see every day.” Looking to Garrus, they made their way inside, it really was strange and this was coming from a woman who took down a 2km tall sentient doomsday machine.

When they reached C-Sec clearance her body scan was denied stating very clearly that Jane Shepard was dead. That was no surprise to either Miranda, Garrus or Shepard for that matter considering she was well, dead. But of course she explained to the C-Sec officer she had been reported as missing in action... Evidently it was a good enough reason because he sent her inside to talk to Captain Bailey without a hitch. He'd be the one she needed to address if she wanted to get that mess sorted out.

“I see the problem… My console says that you’re dead. Now usually you’d have to go through the Station Security Administration to have new ID’s admitted. Then to Customs and Immigration so you can have access to the Citadel itself. Probably want to stop at the Treasury too… ‘spending two years dead’ is a popular tax dodge.” Captain Bailey smiled, after seeing the unamused look she wore on her face he continued. “But, I can see you’re a busy woman. Why don’t I just make this easier on us all and press this button right here?” 

“That can’t be legal.” 

She heard Garrus over her shoulder, agreeing, she nodded back to him. “He’s right. I don’t wait one or both of us getting into trouble over this.” Turning back to the Captain when she spoke, she contemplated the repercussions, especially given her current ties.

“There is no way to fool that DNA scanner- you’re you. Unless you like the idea of filling out massive amounts of hard copy paperwork, running around like a chicken with its head cut off and waiting in long lines better?” Bailey smiled at the Commander again. 

_You’re you._

Those words made her relax a bit, feeling Garrus set a hand on her shoulder briefly she smiled to herself momentarily. He knew what she had been feeling and he wanted her to know he was there. Of course Miranda had noticed the brief display, and she scoffed quietly crossing her arms. Shepard ignored her pouting as she continued to speak to the Captain. 

“There we go, Commander. I just saved you about 9 days of running around like that chicken we talked about. You're going to want to see the Council next. They’ll probably want to know their previously dead Spectre is alive.”

“That’s exactly where I’m headed.” She sent him her smooth smile saved for these situations. 

“What the hell was the Captain on about? A chicken with its head cut off? What does that mean...” Garrus asked shaking his head in confusion.

“It’s just a human saying. When you’re getting ready to eat a chicken you have to kill it, and if you cut off its head well, sometimes it still runs around for awhile…” She could see the look of mortification in his’ eyes, as Miranda covered her own shaking her head. “It’s not as bad as it sounds… Or maybe it is… I don’t know. I grew up on a farm- this kinda thing doesn't bother me. He pretty much just meant he wanted to save me time running around pointlessly. ” She was trying not to laugh. 

“Okay… And Shepard, what exactly is a ‘chicken’?” He again after a second, even Miranda laughed. 

The three of them made their way towards the Human Embassy. The Citadel looked so different from the last time she had been there. It was actually almost unrecognizable. She stopped at every shop along the way managing to snag herself discounts at literally every store she passed. Eventually the shops were bound to figure out they couldn't all be her favorite store on the Citadel… About an hour and several model ship purchases later, she had built up enough courage to see Anderson again. To face the Council again. Miranda hadn’t approved of all the running around aimlessly, but she was learning to pick her battles with Shepard. This was one she would lose, so it was better to follow quietly. 

“What have we here?” A voice came from behind Shepard. She recognized it immediately… Slowly she turned feeling the hair on the back of her neck raising.

“What are you doing here.” Trying to stay in control of her emotions, something she never had to practice before became such a chore now. Garrus immediately noticed as she grew tense, moving a little closer standing tall he pulled his mandibles in close. The look he gave the unknown human was fierce and piercing.

“That’s funny. I was going to ask you that. You seem pretty spry for a corpse, Commander.” The woman spoke again to Shepard not regarding either of her companions. 

“What does she want.” Shepard asked crossing her arms, stepping closer to inspect the woman, her voice flat.

“Relax… If she wanted to hurt you, she would.” Moving her eyes from Shepard over to her turian companion, letting a small smile slip her lips after noticing the gaze he held. "Don't worry. You'll see her soon."

“What exactly is that supposed to mean? Who even are you?” Miranda finally spoke in her cold collected voice.

“You don’t need to worry your pretty face about that, Cerberus. Not yet anyway. She’ll be interested in knowing the rumors are true though… We’ll be in touch, Janey.” With that the human turned disappearing into the crowd. 

Shepard didn’t speak for a solid two minutes, but after she was collected enough she nodded to Garrus and they continued towards Councilor Anderson’s office. Garrus had picked up on her change in body temperature, and he had felt the nervousness floating around her. Now wasn’t the time to ask though. Right now they had to deal with the Council. Right now they had to focus on bringing Shepard to life again- ‘officially’ speaking. They entered the chattered room seeing that the meeting had already begun. This wasn’t surprising though, for whatever reason they never waited for her to actually get there before they started. Yet another thing about the Council she hated, more proof they didn’t respect her.

_Maybe I should have let them die… Kidding. Mostly._

“The Commander will be here any-, Speak of the devil.” Anderson turned facing her with happiness filling his face.

“Anderson.” She shook his hand affectionately, returning his smile. “It’s been too long. I hope the last couple years have treated you well.” 

“It hasn’t been easy… It’s good to have you back, Shepard. We’ve all missed you.” She felt his hand on her shoulder giving it a small squeeze and as he looked to Garrus they shared a brief nod.

“We’ve heard some unsettling rumors about your return, Commander.” The salarian Councilor interrupted them. 

“We called this meeting so you could explain your actions to us, Shepard. We owe you that much, after all you did save us during Saren’s assault on the Citadel.” The asari Councilor chimed in. 

“I think you mean Sovereign’s assault, Councilor.” Shepard corrected her. “The Collectors have been abducting entire colonies full of humans throughout the Terminus System. I think they’re working with the Reapers.” 

“The Terminus Systems are far beyond the Councils jurisdiction, Shepard.” The turian Councilor spoke finally, condescending as usual. “Your colonists knew this when they left Council Space.”

“You’re missing the important part, Councilor. It isn’t about where they are, or how they’re getting abducted... It’s who is instructing them to do so.” Anderson spoke up supporting her like he always had.

“The ‘Reapers’- “ The turian Councilor spoke again using his infamous air quotes. “I’m sure you’ve seen we've dismissed your claims. To suggest that there is a race of sentient machines waiting in dark space for us is total madness, even for you, Commander.”

“It was only you and your crew that encountered the Hologram on Ilos, Shepard. And again you were the only ones to speak to this ‘Reaper’ Sovereign.” Barked the Salarian Councilor. 

“Just go to Virmire and speak to Virgil- Examine any of the millions of Reaper pieces that were scattered about the Citadel.” She stepped forward filling with annoyance, how could they not trust her?

“This Reaper theory of yours only proves how fragile your mental state is. You’ve been manipulated. By Saren, and now by Cerberus.” Growled out the turian Councilor. 

“You can’t be seriously suggesting I made all of this up.” Growing more annoyed, even Garrus could see how out of control her emotions had been. 

“Saren was extremely charismatic, he fooled the geth, and he fooled you. We believe _you_ believe it- but that doesn’t make it true, Commander.” 

“Saren is organic. There is no reason for the geth to follow him unless the Reapers were involved- He didn’t fool anyone besides you three.” Her words were getting louder with each syllable. “I saved you. I sacrificed human lives to save the Council and you took no time after my death to discredit me and make me look insane. You’re going to have to start trusting me eventually. You owe me.” Her tone was almost yelling now, but she felt a light hand on her elbow- grounding her. Pulling her back from the edge. 

_What is wrong with me?_

“You have us in a difficult position, Commander. You are working with Cerberus, a known terrorist organization and avowed enemy of the Council. You are committing treason. I’m sure you know the punishment of committing a capitol offense is-” Threatened the asari Councilor growing tired of Shepard’s defiance.

“Enough. You’ve gone too far.” Anderson spoke finally, swaying his arm as if he was erasing their last words from a board. “Shepard is a hero. We’d all be dead right now if not for her. I am on this Council, and I will not allow you to continue this whitewash.” 

“Perhaps there is a compromise... one both parties can be satisfied with. We cannot support you publicly given your current ties, but maybe there is something we can do to show peripheral support. If you restrict your investigation to the Terminus Systems and keep a low profile, we are willing to reinstate your Spectre status.” 

“I accept your offer.” She said flatly and almost too quickly. She wanted to get this meeting over with... It wasn't much, but she could really use the extra sway being a Spectre gave her.

“We truly do wish you luck, Shepard. We cannot get involved with this- but at least now you can see we’re supporting you. Hopefully you can cut ties with Cerberus before it becomes too late. Farewell, Commander.” With that the Councilors faded leaving Shepard and her crew alone with Anderson. 

Letting out a long sigh, she brought a hand to her forehead. “How can they be so blind?” Turning towards Anderson she took a deep breath in. 

“They’re just scared, Shepard. They have no idea what’s out there.” Anderson set an arm on her shoulder offering support, understanding. 

“Could I have a few minutes alone with the Councilor?” She looked into Garrus’ eyes and he nodded leaving the room with Miranda. “I know how bad this all looks, Anderson.” She began walking to the balcony with him, the two overlooking the Citadel. It really was beautiful.

“I trust you, Shepard. I know you wouldn’t be doing this if it wasn’t important. If it wasn’t the only way.” He sent her a reassuring smile. One she knew he meant. 

“How has everything been, Anderson? Are you enjoying the life of a politician?” She asked already knowing the answer. 

“I’m not meant for this kind of work… But I am making due. Sometimes I wonder if Udina would have been a better choice...” 

“He wasn’t. Udina’s a dick.” She retuned his smile winking playfully. 

It was nice to talk with him. Seeing another familiar face made her hopeful for the future. For the fight ahead. Maybe they could do this, especially now with the Councils ‘support’. This was better than nothing, at least they weren't throwing her in prison for treason, right? 

“I see you’ve been reunited with, Mr. Vakarian. He caused quite the scene after your accident.” Anderson nudged her lightly with an elbow, his tone taking a more serious note. 

He knew her all too well. Being like a father to her had given him a rare glimpse at the softer side of Jane Shepard. He was one of the few people she actually trusted in this galaxy. She knew he would always have her back, just like Garrus would. His words bothered her though- had everyone known about his freakout? What exactly even happened? She hadn't asked Garrus about it, but the more people mentioned his meltdown, the more curious she grew. 

“I- uh, yeah. I found him held up in Omega a few days ago.” Sighing lightly as she watched the skycar’s pass by. 

“You should have seen him after the Normandy went down, Shepard. I thought he was going to kill Lieutenant Alenko.” With that she pulled her attention his face quickly urgency filling her face. 

“You were there?” She asked quickly. Another reminder at how bad she had gotten at controlling her emotions since dying. 

“I’m the one who brought him to the medical center. Maybe that was a mistake- Oh, I don't know. I just had a feeling that he’d want to be there. I didn't realize you two were…” He trailed off, looking forward again as not to make her uncomfortable. 

She looked down to her hands that rest on the railing. What could she say to that? It wasn’t uncommon for humans and turians to form relationships was it? It wasn't exactly normal though either. Lightly bitting her lip, she thought on her words carefully. But they weren’t really anything were they? 

“It’s, we’re- not exactly…” Not being able to find the words she stopped trying.

“Oh, Shepard. You don’t have to explain anything to me. I’m not going to pry, but I will leave you with this. You deserve to be happy. Especially at a time like this. I don’t know what’s going on between the two of you and frankly you don’t have to say anything, it’s clear as day how he feels about you. I think just about everyone in the whole damn hospital could see it.” When he saw that she was becoming a little embarrassed he continued. “Alright, alright. I’m done.”

“Thank you, sir.” She smiled lightly, pink in her cheeks. “I should go. I’ve got a lot of work to do, and no idea how much time I have. Thank you... for telling him. And for sticking up for me. I know it hasn’t been easy…” She finished growing apprehensive. 

“He deserved to know. Life without you was hard on everyone. You sort of held everyone together, Shepard.” 

“Yeah, that’s what I’ve been hearing... I’m just worried I’m not as strong as everyone thinks I am.” The hopeful feeling she had in her gut was replaced by fear.

“You’re stronger. I’ve seen you. What you can do. Don’t ever doubt yourself. Ever. I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to. Now you don’t be a stranger, Shepard.” He finished walking her to the door, her companions waiting patiently on the other side. 

“I’ll be in touch, Anderson. Thanks again.” They left the Human Embassy’s with their next stop in mind. 

They were to head back to Omega, this time for The Professor.


	10. It is not in the Stars to hold our Destiny but in Ourselves

Getting The Professor out of the quarantine zone had been fairly easy all things considered. They were only met with mercs and each proved to be easy enough to get through. Along the way to the Clinic they were surrounded by the smell of burning flesh. Bodies lined the streets, as fires roared from trash cans and bodies alike. It was a bloody mess. Literally and figuratively. Garrus insisted on going in even though the plague effected turians... His argument was that he wasn't about to let a cough hold him back from helping… That this Professor had a cure and that he’d be just peachy after they found him. But excuses aside they all knew he really just didn’t want to leave her alone. 

Reluctantly, she complied since their main goal was to find this mysterious doctor, and according to reports he did in fact have a cure. If Garrus got infected while they were searching, it would be fine- he would be cured before any real damage was done... Jane really didn't like it, but she also hated not having him with her. He was the only one that she could really trust on this new Normandy. No matter how cold Miranda would be at times, the two of them had a connection. Miranda did bring her back from the dead and she had even saved Garrus, but that connection just wasn’t the same...

“Garrus if you die in there, I’m going to kill you.” She raised her voice threateningly as she pointed a finger at him. From behind playful eyes she attempt to hide her smile from him. 

Ever since they were reunited Garrus had been even more protective of her. He had always been awfully careful with and around Shepard... Always knowing how important she was going to be to the world, and to whatever was coming. But there was more to it then that. She wasn’t just important to the universe because she'd be the only one to stop the inevitable return of the Reapers. Garrus felt protective of her because he cared deeply for her. Because he felt what it was like to live in a world she wasn’t a part of anymore. And he wasn’t about to ever live in a world like that again.

To no ones surprise, not long after entering the quarantine zone it became clear that Garrus had in fact caught the plague already. Unsuccessfully trying to hide his coughing, there was no fooling the great Commander Shepard. He never was good at lying to her, and she saw through his poor excuses with ease. “Fuck. I knew I never should have let you come in here, Garrus. Goddamn it.” Her voice was growing increasingly anxious as she furrow her brow.

“Shepard…” After letting out a small cough, he spoke. “I’m fine. This Professor has a cure doesn’t he?” 

“Garrus! We have no idea if he’s even in here anymore or if he’s still alive. I never should have listened to you... Goddamn it!” She felt her insides begin to curl up in tight knots as she began pacing the hall, biting her lip a little too hard; she tasted blood. 

“Jane, I’m going to be alright.” Stepping close to her as he slid his hand around hers. “I’m hard to kill, you should know that... Now tell me, who is this ‘God’ you keep swearing at anyway?”

“Garrus, please… this isn’t the time for a joke. This plague is real. It’s killed hundreds of turians already…” She finished licking the small pool of blood forming on her lip.

“No lousy plague is going to keep me from you, Shepard. We have time.” With a small smile he raised his other hand to her chin, lightly holding it in place. 

“If you two are finished… I suggest we continue searching for the Professor.” Miranda spoke finally, her arms were crossed and her face was tight. 

Forgetting that Miranda had been there, they separated and began forward again. Shepard could still hear Garrus concealing how terrible he felt. And she didn't need medical training to see that he really wasn’t doing well. For taking a week to kill, this virus sure moved quickly. They had to find The Professor, and they had to find him fast. There was no way she was going to go through everything she did to find him, just to have some stupid fever take him out. Once they found the Professor, he could help... 

_Find The Professor. Save Garrus._

After about another hour of searching through the quarantine zone, they finally found their destination. The Clinic had been filled with refugees and sick or healing patients. The Professor himself was quite interesting, his mouth ran about a mile a minute proving hard to keep up with. There was some good news though, Mordin did indeed have a cure, one he immediately gave to Garrus upon meeting him. As the cure was administered she threw him a warm smile feeling the worry leave. With that settled, she could get straight to business. 

After a brief chat, they were asked to administer the cure to the entire quarantine zone. They'd make their way to the main venting facility, they'd release the cure, and fix the vents for disbursement... Easy enough. Only, not so easy because there were Blood Pack mercenaries ready and waiting for them. These simple interruptions hadn’t made their task an easy one, but the three of them finished their mission with only minor cuts and bruises. Noting again that most of which she hardly felt.

After the cure had been released, Mordin agreed to join their cause; Paying no matter to the fact that it was Cerberus looking for him. He was intrigued by the Collectors and even the offer Cerberus presented. The salarian Doctor would meet them on the Normandy after he tied up all of his lose ends on Omega. Miranda didn’t feel like being a third wheel any longer, so she went back to deal with updating the Illusive Man on the success of the mission. 

Not ready to go back to the Normandy, she and Garrus set out for Afterlife for a drink or 2. Or 12. She could really use a mental break then, maybe she could find out what he'd been up to all this time. Finding a private booth on the second level wasn't as easy as she hoped. But soon she found a space as far as she could get from the other patrons. A space private and secluded by club standards. Where she could be free to watch the dancers and club goers in peace.

Jane had always loved people watching, even enjoying eavesdropping from time to time as terrible as that sounds. There was just something so fun about listening to a first date, or overhearing a complete moron talking like they knew what was what. Not only that but she enjoyed the anonymity that Omega gave her. No one cared who she was there- not really. She got a few looks from time to time, but when didn’t she? Most people still thought Commander Shepard was dead. So on Omega, she was. On Omega, she could be invisible for a little bit. She could be Jane instead of the one that stopped Saren.

A few moments later she felt Garrus slide down in the space next to her as he set two whiskeys in front of her. He knew she’d immediately down the first one and would need another in minutes. The fact that he knew her that way, made her smile. “Ah, Garrus. You know me too well.” She smiled grabbing the first glass, in one motion it was gone. Feeling the warm liquid slide down her throat, hit her stomach and fan out beckoning relaxation. “I never thought I’d say this, but damn that tasted good.” 

“Wait, you drink that but you don't even like it?” Garrus asked taking a sip of his Heat Sink.

“You’re one to talk. As I recall, you’re not a huge fan of that either.” Nodding towards his hand with another sly smile.

“Touché.” Garrus took another drink as he look at her closely from behind it. 

In the moments that followed the air grew thick and she realized how close he had been to her. She could feel the warmth from his body on her side, warming her with each of his slow blinks. Feeling that hawk like gaze looking into her, reading her like a book. She moved her eyes to her drink and tucked a stray strand behind her ear. Jane still wasn’t used to her hair being this long, she had kept it pretty short ever since leaving Olor. Garrus always had looked at her frequently, but there was something about the way he looked at her now that was different. Something behind his eyes but she couldn’t place what it was...

“I like it like this.” Garrus lifted a free hand to her hair, pushing it behind her shoulder slowly sending a chill through her body again. He felt as she leaned her face into the hand he rest close to her neck and after a second she pulled her eyes to meet his. He was still just looking at her with that same look in his eyes. “I can’t believe you’re really alive.”

“What happened to you, Garrus? Anderson and Joker... they both told me you- I don't know... had a meltdown or something? What happened?” Her voice was cautious and she ended with a sip of her second whiskey.

“I didn’t take your… death well." He stopped for a second taking a drink from his glass. "I blamed Kaidan for a long time… I know, it’s stupid. But nothing made sense after you died, Shepard. I felt like I failed you. I wasn’t there, I couldn't protect you. So… I ran away. I tried to make up for it.”

“By becoming a mercenary?” Her voice was still soft, but she was concerned. She wondered what exactly he had done in his spare time. What did he do that weighed so heavily on him now?

“I’m not sure you’d call what we were... being mercenaries exactly. We weren’t thugs for hire. We stopped the bad people on Omega from taking advantage of the good ones. No civilian casualties, ever. That was our rule… I did learn some things from you, Shepard.” Garrus smiled noticing his hand still on her neck lightly.

“How did you get yourself into this position, Garrus? Should we even be here?” Realizing how risky them being on Omega could have been, she looked around the room suspiciously.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about it, everyone here that knew Archangel is dead… Well, almost everyone.” There was a change in his tone as he spoke that time. 

“What happened here? Where is your squad?” She questioned again feeling that she was finally getting closer to some real information on where he’d been the last few years. 

“I trusted the wrong person…” Stopping to take a long drink of his Heat Sink he pulled back from her a bit. The action making it pretty clear he didn’t want to talk about it.

“If you don’t want to tell me you don’t have to, Garrus… I can mind my own business.” Jan looked down trying not to be offended. 

She had been dead for 2 years, right? Who knew what had really happened during that time. Maybe she was reading him wrong... Maybe she was reading _this_ wrong.

Could he just want to be friends… keep things… professional? She remembered how different turian body language was from humans... Oh who was she kidding. 

She must have been taking his behavior as something more than it was… How could he possibly still want to be with her after she spent two years dead. Movingg her mind to the possibility that maybe he had met someone. But if he had met someone to settle down with, why was he here? And why wouldn’t he leave her side? Why was he always so close to her, or always saying things like that…

Garrus could feel the change steeping around them as he slid his hand back to the side of her face, pulling her to look at him. “Come back to me, Jane.” Leaning in close to her, he was only inches from her mouth. Inches from tasting her again. Feeling her shudder to catch her breath at the warmth he brought. She leaned closer… they were seconds from touching… seconds from…

“Oh, I’m not interrupting anything am I?” Aria spoke pulling them forcefully to look at who had interrupted them. Both jumping by the intrusion, they realized emotions almost had almost gotten the better them. Again. 

“Aria... Can I help you?” Quickly Jane composed herself taking a swig of her drink and tucking her hair behind her ear. 

“I think so. Come see me before you leave Omega, will you? I have a proposition I’d like to discuss” Aria smiled at the two of them. “Nice to see the reports are false, _Archangel_. Oh, don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.” 

They watched as Aria smirked, running two pinched fingers across her mouth like a zipper, locking her lips. She sent them a smile before slinking back to her throne above the crowd. 

Shepard cleared her throat, she was definitely feeling the whiskey now. Feeling herself growing anxious, she shot Garrus a concerned look. What were they doing? How could she think about a relationship right now with everything she had to deal with. Clearly he hadn’t met anyone. If he had, then he wasn’t the man she thought he was... But even if he was interested, this wasn’t the best time to start anything. Was it? 

No, it wasn't... Jane could only believe she was herself half of the time, and she worried the look he gave her sometimes meant he saw it too. That he felt she wasn’t completely right. How could she blame him though if he did think she came back wrong? She had died for over two years and then she comes back looking... very different to put it lightly. She worried that every time he scanned her face for familiar marks he’d only see those new bight glowing ones...

“Garrus… I know I’ve been gone for a long time. I know we never really… talked about any of… this. And then I died and now you’re here and it’s only been a few weeks for me- but it’s been two whole years for you.“ She started then stopped again not knowing what she intended to say, words were pouring out of her drunken mouth.

“Shepard…” He tried to stop her, but could see that she had to get this out.

“When I realized I was gone for two years… I just... I don’t know. I had no idea if I’d ever see you again.” Looking up at him with eyes full of regret she had no idea what to say next. 

“I’ll always find you.” He watched a small nod leave her porcupine face as she leaned back into the booth resting her head on his shoulder. 

Whatever was happening between them, it was confusing and he wasn't ready to talk about it... It wasn’t something they would figure out over one late night of drinking either. 

A lot of time had passed and even though he was there- they both could feel that something was off. She could feel that he was both closer to her than ever, and somehow he was also so much further away. Garrus wouldn’t talk about the life he lead those years she had been gone... But she knew that whatever happened to him, had really messed with him. So much so that he wasn’t about to open up to her, not yet anyway. It was hard for her to think about how he never had issues talking to her before. If this was a new problem did it have something to do with her? Garrus must be able to feel it... That she was wrong. That’s why he didn’t trust her anymore…

She had felt strange ever since... Everything she had learned about the Lazarus Project had signaled that she was in fact the real Shepard… But what did she know? She was only meat and tubes before they brought her back. Any mark that signified it was really her in there had been erased from her body like a chalkboard, and his constant searching for them only reminded them both of what they had lost.

“Let’s get you out of here, Shepard. The self declared queen of Omega can wait a bit.” His voice purred around her as he stood reaching a hand for her to take. 

“She give you that speech too?” Jane laughed placing her hand in his allowing him to pull her to her feet. 

The walk back to the Normandy was easy and fairly quiet. The two looked intimidating enough that no one dared mess with them. Although they were stopped by a few beggars, but they eventually made it back to the Normandy in one piece. 

“Come up with me?” She asked with nervous bursting through her tone once they reached the elevator.

Garrus looked to her mandibles pulled in tightly, then after a moment he nodded following her inside the lift. The ride up was silent, and upon entering her cabin he noticed that the fish, models and hamster had been delivered. Realizing in that moment that having human hands did give at lease one advantage, having tried (and failed) his fair share of models he was now a little envious. But as he focused again on Shepard, he stood watching as she removed her shoes, and armor slowly. Watching as she sat on the bed in her under suit brushing her crimson hair. 

“Will you stay up here tonight? I don’t like being alone much anymore. I mean look at this place. For one, it’s way too damn big. Plus…” Pointing up to the open window above her she continued, “Are they just trying to fuck with me? I mean come on, I literally _died_ by suffocating in space.” Letting out a small awkward laugh as she put her hands in her lap and shake her head. 

She may have been making a joke about it, but she really did mean it.

It had been a long time since Garrus thought about how it must have felt for her... How dying in general must have felt. Many nights he couldn't stop himself from picturing her floating in the empty abyss. He had spent so many nights on Omega imagining what having the life sucked out of you must feel like. The idea of Shepard floating, gasping for air with no hope of survival had given him countless nightmares. It was those nights when he'd think on it for too long that he'd see her... Some nights he'd wake shouting her name. 

In some of his dreams he was there though. In some of his dreams he saved her. They were together and she was happy.

The sound of her clearing her throat pulled him to the present. As he thought about the design of her cabin, he realized it probably was some play on the Illusive Man’s part in attempts to keep her under his thumb. Using something like that to manipulate her into fear or submission… Knowing that she was stronger than that though, the idea bothered him a little less. She wouldn’t let any of his games distract her. He knew why she was on this ship, and he supported her. 

_This has to be the real… This has to be her._

“I don’t mind. It sure beats sleeping in the main battery. But… I think your new crew may get the wrong idea if they see me leaving here late at night, Shepard. We don’t want them to talk… or do we?” Smiling at her with mandibles light to his face he purred each word softly. 

She watched as he ran a hand down his fringe and neck shifting his weight. “Let them talk, I don’t know any of those people anyway.” With a laugh she lay back on the bed patting the empty space beside her. 

After a moment, he complied making his way to her bed. They both were silently staring up at the empty space passing by above them. Slipping her fingers around his, she held on tight. The night slipped away and the promise of sleep encased them. 

The next morning she woke curled in his arms. He was holding her tightly with his head resting on the top of hers. She sat there a moment tracing the plates on his arm enjoying this moment in full. He had so many new scars decorating his arms. She felt the cool rigid surface, feeling him stir realizing she had woken him up. “Shit.” She moved her hand from his arm to cover her face. “I’m sorry.” Looking up at him she gave him a huge innocent smile. 

“What’s that thing you humans say- ‘How is one supposed to get their beauty sleep?’” He leaned his mouth to the top of her head affectionately, breathing her in. 

_Lavender. Jane._

She let out a laugh, reaching her arms out long in a satisfying stretch. Garrus watched her with eyes light. The way she moved, it had to be her… That's when he noticed she had those glowing scars all over her arms and chest. They were so strange, and before he could stop himself he had reached out running a taloned finger over one on her shoulder. She jumped at the touch, looking to where his fingers lie. She could tell he was disturbed by the scars, hell she was too. What exactly was she made of anyway?

“I don’t really know much about them, honestly.” Sighing she looked at her arms. “Dr. Chakwas says it has to do with my cybernetics, after all I was only 'meat and tubes' when Cerberus found me.” She swallowed then continued. “Apparently they’ll go away if I remain positive or something.” 

“That shouldn’t be too hard, you always were annoyingly honorable.” Garrus nudged her affectionately in the side, pulling them from their worries. “Never letting me break the rules… Always reminding me of the consequences…” 

“I am not that bad… Am I?” Shepard laughed playfully pushing him back. 

“Oh, you most certainly are that bad, Shepard.” He really was having too much fun.

“You better watch your tone soldier.” She threatened as she turned to face him, pushing him again softly.

“Or what? You gonna threaten me again? I think we both know you haven't made good on any of those in the past.” 

They were wrestling about the bed, and Shepard was winning. She flipped him over and was pinning him down.

“That isn’t fair at all, I was dead!” Looking down at him with his arms below her knees she held her hands on her hips.

“Excuses, excuses…” He finished sliding out out from her grasp and flipped her over. 

Now he was now the one on top. He held her wrists just tight enough to hold her in place, but not enough to actually hurt her. The turn of events sent a chill run down her body. Having him only inches from her face again, she felt herself pulling towards him... wanting him. 

“Commander, we’ve got the Illusive Man in the debriefing room for you… Oh and morning, Garrus. Did you get any calibrating done last night?” Joker chimed in over the comms loudly. 

“Mind your own damn business, Joker! EDI would you mind putting some restraints on our pilot? I mean, unless you want to learn how to fly the ship.”

“Commander, it is not within my system perimeters to helm the Normandy. I only possess the capabilities to control the primary defensive systems as I have mentioned previously. I can however prevent Mr. Moreau from accessing your private communications line when Mr. Vakarian is in your quarters.”

“I don’t know which is worse.” Garrus whispered from above her, still close to her mouth wearing his version of a smile.

“Duty calls.” She took the distraction to flip him back over, pinning him with her legs again smiling wide. There was no doubt that he could have gained control of the situation- but it was clear he didn't want to. 

“You play dirty, Shepard. Kicking a man when he’s down right distracted.” Shaking his head, he watched her lift off him and head into the bathroom. 

Shepard walked in sliding the door closed behind her as he lay in her bed still not completely believing he was on the Normandy... Back besides her. Back to the good old days of mission after mission and the promise of many near death encounters. He really had missed it. Being with her had given him true hope again.

She stepped out of the bathroom in a fresh under suit a few minutes later with hair clumped together dripping wildly. “Your turn big guy, you stink.” After a laugh she dried her hair and moved to check her private terminal. “I gotta get down there. I’ll save you a seat at breakfast.” 

Tossing him a smile, she left the cabin in a flash. He still just lay there for a moment taking everything in. Everything felt so easy, so normal… But at the same thing it felt so strange. Like something wasn’t how it used to be. Was it him or her? Why was he having such a hard time opening up and trusting her now? Garrus had always been private, but never with her... She had always been someone he could trust. Now was no different, was it? Yeah, she had been dead for 2 years, but in a way- so had he. 

Leaning up slowly in a long stretch, he stepped from the bed and walked to her fish tank. Watching them swim around was mesmerizing and figuring she'd probably forget, he pressed the big ominous red button releasing food. She would for _sure_ kill these fish with her forgetful nature… Best not let her other new furry pet die either. There was a bag next to its cage, surely that was what the little thing ate... 

Filling the bowl full, he watched the pellets overflowing the small bowl burying it beneath them. That should be enough for him for the day… Seeing the small animal was satisfied nibbling away at his new bounty, he proceeded to the bathroom. 

Showering in there sure as hell beat the cramped shared space of the men’s restroom. He much preferred privacy, especially since Cerberus wasn't know for being alien friendly. Well, until now apparently... He thought long and hard about what the last few days and about how it felt to be close to Shepard again. He began to feel guilty for not talking with her about what had happened to him... He knew she only cared about him and that’s why she kept asking about it. Garrus didn’t even fully know why he wasn’t sharing. Maybe it was too soon… too fresh. Maybe he didn't want to admit that he had failed so hard... that he lost everyone. Maybe saying the words out loud would really cement what had happened. 

The more he thought about it, the angrier he grew. The more he fixated the more the idea of Sidonis taunted him. Garrus would have to find Sidonis. That bastard would pay for every life he took… He would make sure of that. It was in that moment that he realized eventually he would need to ask Shepard for help. He would have to tell her what really happened on Omega. One revenge scheme replaced by the next… He sure was creating a cycle of vengeance wasn’t he? Maybe the reason he felt so distant from her was because he let himself turn into the man she always feared he would become...

“Vakarian, are you seriously still in the shower. It’s been like an hour.” He heard her calling from the other side of the bathroom. “We gotta get going, wrap things up in there, will ya? I grabbed your stuff.” She finished, as he heard the clanking of his armor falling. “Are you gonna make your Commanding Officer wait all day? I’m sure there are rules about that kind of thing.” Leaning her forehead on the bathroom door she knocked on it three times with a knuckle. 

Shepard jumped as the door slid open revealing a very wet and undressed Garrus. He held a towel around his waist, and she watched as beads of water slid down his chest plates. She found herself staring, she had never seen what a turian looked like without armor or clothing on. Tracing the lines of his skin where it it his carapace with light eyes she noticed he had a chain around his neck, one hand gripping it tightly. She was completely enamored. A clearing of his throat reminded her of what she was doing though, so she quickly stepped back from the door stumbling to lean over her terminal. Her face turning a lovely shade of pink.

“Is the great Commander Shepard actually blushing?” Garrus purred from behind her as he step closer. 

His movement sent a soft static tingle throughout her body. He wasn’t sure what he was doing but he was standing very close to her. Looking down at her as he watched her leaning over the terminal, noticing the rise in her temperature and blood pressure from his visor. “I can’t believe it. She is.” 

“I don’t know what you’re at, but-“ She started turning around to him finger raised, but was stopped however by the realization of just how close he was. Finding her heart begin to race faster she pulled her bottom lip in biting it lightly. Sliding her eyes down his chest again she saw just what he had been holding. They were her tags. “Where…” 

Garrus realized what she had seen and quickly shifted his weight uncomfortably. Feeling that now he was the one blushing. “I… Liara gave them to me.” 

“ _Liara?_ How the hell did she get them?” Her voice raised in question as she desperately tried to ignore the shirtless turian in her bedroom. 

“Honestly, Shepard. I don’t know. The last time I saw her she acted pretty strange. But, I mean it is Liara, when isn’t she strange? That and you had just died, we all were pretty shaken up. She didn’t tell me much. Just that she was looking for you on Akuze, and that she found these. She thought I should have them…” He stopped as the reverb in his voice lowered an octave as he raised a hand subconsciously to the tags. “Now that I think about it, she was acting a bit more strange that usual… Almost like she wanted to tell me something more.” 

“Do you think she knows about what happened to me? How Cerberus got me? Do you think she could be involved somehow?” Jane asked again, leaning back onto her desk to sit, still noticing that he hadn’t moved an inch.

“I don’t know. Our best bet would be to find and ask her. But like you said, we’ve already got our work cut out for us today.” 

“I’m just tired of not knowing who I am… If I’m right.” Sighing as she looked down to her new scarless hands.

“Shepard, I don’t know what happened to you.” Thinking for a moment before speaking again... thinking about the things that made Jane Jane. 

Garrus had seen them all and he was seeing them again right now... He may have had some doubts before, but under the circumstances it was entirely acceptable for him to be skeptical, wasn't it? But the smell of her skin, and the arch of her brow... Tat smile that was only his. Those things told him that the woman in front of him was undeniably Jane Shepard. 

“But I do know one thing: You came back right. You’re you. You're the one and only Jane Amelia Shepard. Do you think some Cerberus clone could fool me?” His subvocal's growled softly as he erase her with a soft pat on the shoulder.

Shepard made a face when he said her middle name, remembering the night she had told it to him... But mostly because she wanted to ask him why if she was right, wouldn't he open up to her? Why then wouldn’t he trust her? If she was right, if she was Shepard, why could she feel a space between then even in their closest moments? Deciding that this talk would be best for a different day and that she wouldn't indulge her impulses further she would focus. They had a mission, and they had to get moving; They already wasted enough time this morning.

“It doesn’t matter.” She ran a hand through her hair with a sign. “We gotta move, Vakarian. Now stop being distracting and get dressed, will ya?” She smiled as she pushed herself to her feet, standing only inches from his face and feeling the warmth of his breath hitting her neck again. 

“Distracting? I never knew you had a weakness for men with scars…” Garrus purred to her as she slid past him moving to the door. 

She tossed him a coy smile before stepping to her own armor placing each piece on with ease. He began watching her delicate movements as she placed each piece in its rightful place.

“Now who’s distracted?” Her tons raising slightly as she walked to him again. He hadn’t moved since she left him minutes before. “We haven’t got all day you know?” With that she touched his elbow lightly leaving him in silence. 

As she waited in the shuttle for Garrus and Miranda, she thought about how much harder it was getting not to act on her feelings. Shepard really was bad at emotions lately and it was getting more than a little annoying. It was getting harder not to just tell Garrus that she hadn’t stopped thinking about him since that night on the Citadel. Which, yeah, it had been two whole years for him... 

But for her, it was still fresh. For her, it was still very, very real.


	11. There is Nothing Good nor Bad, but Thinking Makes it So

As usual the Illusive Man had more 'suggestions' as to where Shepard should go next. It wasn't like she had any idea where to start, but she hated taking orders from a man like that. From a corporation like Cerberus... Reminding herself frequently that this was necessary was one of the only things that made it bearable. Cerberus was humanities best hope in stopping the Reapers. They brought her back. They saved Garrus...

_You can do this. You have to do this._

After her meeting that morning, it was time to get things going. Shepard took the shuttle ride as a chance to debrief her squad on on their mission. The Illusive Man 'suggested' they head to a human colony on Horizon, suspecting that it would be the next place hit by the Collectors based off of an ‘anonymous tip’. Near the end of their talk, Illusive Man had mentioned something else that bothered her... 

Kaidan Alenko was there. During her debriefing she left that part out though. She remembered what happened between he and Garrus after she had... Well, when she wasn't around.

Once she finished filling them in, she was left in silence to her thoughts. For whatever reason Lieutenant Alenko was stationed on the colony- despite it being outside of Alliance space. What business did the Alliance have there? The official report was that Alenko was sent to repair some ‘improperly calibrated laser guns’. But Jane knew that was utter bullshit. Horizon was one of the colonies that oped out of Citadel protection, retreating to the Terminus Systems to live their life as they saw fit. So why the hell would the Alliance be helping them with their weapons? And even so- _why_ of all people, would they send Alenko? There had to be more to it cause none of the official story fit. 

Shepard had been to Horizon several times before on routine missions. She even had made some friends during the Skillian Blitz that had moved here. Thinking about the people she once knew, she hoped the Illusive Man's tip had been wrong. Looking out at the world below she saw another colony that remained her of her old home. Reminded her of pain, of death and of loss. Only his time, it also reminded her that she was Jane Shepard. That her memories were real. That they were hers. For the first time she welcomed the pain and the regret. For the first time she didn’t run from the feelings, but embraced them as her own. As proof that what Garrus had said was true. That she came back right. 

When she switched her thoughts back to Kaidan, she realized there was no way this possible Collector attack could have been a coincidence. It was far too unlikely that they would just happen to pick the colony one of Shepard’s old crew had been stationed. It was clear now that she was being hunted. Her friends were being hunted… This was personal and just what did they want from her? 

“You okay?” Garrus asked pulling her abruptly from her thoughts. 

As the shuttle lowered closer to the surface of Horizon, their suspicions were confirmed. An enormous Collector ship stood kilometers out of the ground, filling the sky with its mountainous structure. They watched it growing larger as the shuttle grew closer to the surface. It really had been a good thing they found Mordin so quickly; without him this mission would have been over before it even started. Thankfully he had developed a shielding method for counteracting the seeker swarm, now they just had to find out if it worked. 

“What? Yeah. Fine.” Replying with a nod that was a little too animate. She should know better than to try and fool him.

“Shepard…” His voice was soft but grew with concern. Sliding a gloved hand to hers, he gave it a small affectionate squeeze. “Come back to me.” 

She exhaled pulling a hand to her forehead rubbing it in thought. She may as well tell him, they were likely to run into Kaidan or at least his body down there... But, where to begin? 

“The Illusive Man informed me that Lieutenant Alenko was stationed on Horizon recently. On _this_ colony. He’s thinking the Collectors are hunting me or something- it seems pretty clear they're going after people I know.” Pointing out of the window towards the ship, she realized the gravity of the situation. 

“What is the Alliance doing all the way out here?” Garrus asked, but what he really meant was what was Kaidan doing there, and they both knew it. 

“I’m not entirely sure… I guess that’s one of the things we’re here to find out.” Swallowing, she stepped out of the shuttle as it landed.

“Commander. Readings on the Collector ship indicate that this the same vessel that attacked the Normandy two years ago.” EDI chimed in over comms as the crept silently through the the colony.

Each building they passed was completely empty. There was not a soul to be found; Alliance or otherwise. The shields that Mordin had created proved to provide the necessary protection from the swarms, at least some things were going right for them. They proceeded deeper into the colony, finally coming face to face with their first Collector. The security cam footage they had seen on Freedom's Progress really didn’t do these fuckers justice. These bug like aliens were tall, a deep dark black ash color, and had four bright glowing yellow eyes. The weirdest part of them though wasn’t the way they looked. It was how every so often a roar would echo around them all, as one of the Collectors was lifted to the sky... Each time this happened, it was filled with a bright electric orange that seemed to possess it. Changing from follower to leader, ordering the other Collectors about in strategic maneuvers. The most annoying thing about these bastards though, was how each time it would control a new target a voice would taunt her. 

Each time she saw a new Collector become enthralled, she was immediately reminded of their fight with Saren all those months- No, all those years ago… This possession looked far too much like when Sovereign had taken over Saren’s body after he killed himself… Maybe the Illusive Man was right, maybe the Reapers really were involved.

Maybe the Reapers really had been involved with her death.

“Assuming direct control.” The loud mechanical voice boomed possessing its next victim, the chosen Collector struggled against the control, thrashing about as if in pain. 

“What the _hell_ is this?” Miranda shouted into their comm system, you could hear the confusion leaving her voice. 

“We are Harbinger.” The voice boomed around them as if on queue. 

“Alright…” Shepard shook her head almost laughing, continuing when she saw the look Miranda gave her. “Oh, come on. It’s a little funny- it’s like it knew we were talking about it. Wait... Does it know?” Smiled she tried to bring levity to the situation as she leaned over scanning the area. 

Shepard counted about twelve Collectors roaming the area in search for them. It seemed though that this ‘Harbinger’ could only control one Collector at a time, so they had that going for them at least.

“I don’t think this is the time, Shepard.” Miranda growled back, hiding a smile of her own. 

“Okay, okay, you’re right. Stay focused.” Winking at Garrus, she silently gestured them to follow her. 

Taking out each Collector fanning the perimeter had only a mild annoyance. The worst part of it all was how frequently Harbinger would vex her though. Anytime he would ‘assume control’ of one of the Collectors, it seemed he only did it to throw her off. To remind her how weak she was. How much pain she was causing... She had to admit, if that was its plan, it was definitely working. Not only that, but it was more than a little distracting. There was something eerie about what this all meant. It was no coincidence that the same ship that had killed her that was now attacking Horizon. 

Attacking Horizon because her old crew member was there... The more they fought the thing, the more It became abundantly clear that this Harbinger did not like her one bit. Thinking on it more, could Harbinger actually be a Reaper? 

“What the hell is this things deal?” Jane asking aloud as she made her way through the Collectors, Scions and 'Harbinger' anytime he'd possess a new body. 

Finally they found a break in fighting, spotting the strangest of all occurrences while on Horizon. Looking around this new area, they saw several colonists frozen in place, engulfed with a dull orange haze. There was nothing she had seen like it before... Well she had experience something similar in her past. But nothing like this. In that moment it became clear how it had been so easy for the Collectors to abduct full colonies like it was nothing. She finally understood what Veetor had meant back on Freedom’s Progress. These Collector swarms were designed to put humans into a petrified like state, allowing for easy collection and removal. The good news though, was that the ship was still there. There were still colonists that hadn’t been taken... There was still hope. 

Finally they had found the communications tower. They would attempt the repairs on the main guns that Kaidan hadn’t finished, and if they were lucky those guns would be enough to send the Collector ship running. The repairs themselves would take them awhile and Shepard wondered again about why they chose to send Alenko for this instead of a specialist... But she didn't have the time to worry about the 'whys' right then, so instead she thought about the 'how's.

Thankfully EDI had a plan. They were to sync the laser guns to the Normandy, then EDI could repair them. Doing so however was sure to alert the Collectors further of their presence on Horizon, so they should expect heavy resistance. Commencing the system they were met by wave after wave of resistance, pounding into them as the repairs were made remotely. Each wave of husk and Collector are increasingly difficult. They really weren't letting up, and her team was growing tired. It sure was taking a long time for EDI to calibrate the damn thing. And in her down time she wondered how long they'd have been there if they had to do it manually. Joker could say what he wanted about the AI, but it was sure coming in handy now. 

Periodic announcements over the communication system alerted the ground crew on EDI's progress. The minutes tricked away slowly, it had to at least been an hour. They watched behind tired eyes as more and more reinforcements were brought in to wear them down. Things were getting tough, but there was finally a break in the Collector’s defenses. 

“The guns are at 90%, Shepard.” EDI’s smooth electronic voice alerted, bringing a sliver of hope. 

They were so close to activating communications and the guns… so close to ending this. Jane sure was ready to get off that planet, not being sure how much more of Harbinger aggressive taunting she could handle. Just as they thought their job was done, an enormous unknown creature descended from the Collector ship. None of them had never seen anything like it. It was at least 10 meters tall, and a bright metallic blue. It had several eyes, and several long bug like legs. It made this terrible screeching noise every so often, it took a lot of control not to break fire to cover their ears. It was clear though, that whatever this thing was it wasn’t fully organic. 

There was one thing she knew for sure though and that was that the Reapers really knew how to create a deadly opponent. Between the husks and the Scions... It’s a wonder they made it this far. Their new battle opponent proved to be much more difficult and painful than any other they faced so far. The creature switched from ranged to melee attacks, and anytime it slammed the ground it would send a pulse wave, shutting down their shields while recharging its own. Eventually they figured out the correct combination of abilities and pure force to break through its never-ending shields. In glorious fashion the beast exploded a bright electric burst sending pieces flying. 

“Commander. The guns are functioning at 100%. Commencing attack now.” EDI spoke again, and right on queue the guns began unloading into the Collector ship. 

After only a moment of taking damage the ship pulled itself from the ground, shooting into the sky leaving them below in a mess of dead husks and dirt. The good news though was that the Collectors didn’t get everyone. There were still some humans left on the colony- the Collectors hadn’t been completely successful. Take that, Harbinger. 

“Don’t let them get away!” A voice yelled running into view past the three of them. “Half the colony is in there! They took Egan, and Sam, and Luke! Why aren’t you doing anything?” The man was growing angry, pacing back and forth accusingly. 

“I understand what you may be feeling, but I did everything that I could. I didn’t want it to end this way.” She stood strong speaking to the man as she stepped closer. 

“You did more than most would have, Shepard.” Garrus said from behind her, giving her a small reassuring touch on the shoulder. 

“Wait… I know that name… Shepard. You’re some big Alliance hero type aren’t you…” The man was inspecting her now. 

“That’s Commander Shepard. Captain of the Normandy. The first human Spectre… Savior of the Citadel.” 

A familiar voice spoke from behind them. She didn’t turn right away, feeling herself growing increasingly anxious listening to the voice grow closer. 

“You’re in the presence of a legend. And a ghost.” 

“Figures you’d be left here… screw this.” The man left just as quickly and angrily as he had entered. 

“Shepard… I thought you were dead.” Kaidan spoke lightly stepping closer to her, slowly she turned to face him. 

Garrus and Miranda had already been eyeing the Lieutenant long before she built the courage. Jane didn’t move though, she only looked at him clenching her fists into tight balls. Feeling the safety and warmth Garrus exuded as he stepped closer noticing her discomfort. Kaidan looked up past her for a moment eyeing Garrus as he scoffed lightly as he shake his head lightly.

“You sound angry.” Jane finally said weakly after a few seconds. 

“Yeah, I guess you could say I am. I spent the last two years thinking you were dead… Thinking I was responsible. That I could have stopped it somehow... How could you put me through that? How could you not contact me? Not reach out, send a damn message... anything. I- It's just... I loved you, Shepard...” 

“H-hold on a minute, Kaidan… you loved me? What the fu- what is this? Are you seriously guilt tripping me for dying, then immediately confessing your- feelings or... You can't just unload all of this on me. C-can’t you see how... all of this sounds?" Stumbling and shaking her head to find the words, she couldn't. Jane was beyond overwhelmed and it rung through her voice with each word. "I’ve been dead for two years, Kaidan. For two whole years...” Finishing her sentence, she realized she had no idea what she was doing or saying... 

He loved her. But did he really? Or had he just been feeling guilty this whole time for obeying her orders to leave. In the few moments she had, she thought about it more, remembering one time long before Eden Prime that they had drunkenly-and to her-mistakenly kissed... They had a tense mission, she was bored... He was cute, and she didn't expect he'd be joining her on the chase for Saren. She didn't expect they'd become close friends. She didn't expect he'd fall in love with her.

But for her, thats all it ever had been; A kiss... a mistake. Only, it clearly hadn't been that simple for Kaidan. To him, it obviously meant more. Thinking back on their missions, she realized there had always been signs. Signs she chose to ignore because he was such a close friend. Signs she chose to ignore because she was in love with someone else. In those moments she tried her best to process it all. He really had always been in love with her hadn't he...

“And of course, here’s Garrus… I see you wasted no time finding your lapdog.” Looking to Garrus in disgust, his eyes filled green with jealousy as he lightly lit with a blue-white spark. 

“Don’t even start, Alenko.” Garrus growled back stepping closer to him.

“Or what? You gonna hit me again, Garrus? You gonna be the impatient, uncontrollable little brat you always were and lash out? Why don’t you do it. Come on. Hit me.” Kaidan didn't even know why, but he was provoking Garrus. Watching as the turian stepped closer to him, knowing just want to say to send him over the edge. 

“Maybe I will.” Each word that left his lips was a snarl spreading into his undertones as he held his mandibles tightly to his face. 

They had been standing so close they were almost touching, with puffed chests heaving heavily with anger. Each respective breath sending them further into the hole of madness. Even with the size difference, they were a decent match up due to Kaidan's biotics. They all knew with out them, he wouldn’t stand a chance. 

“Enough!” Shepard yelled shoving herself between them, pulling them apart forcefully. “I’m not going to do this anymore. I'm not a fucking toy to be fought over." Shoving them both back hard, she sent them a fury filled look. Her emerald eyes burning into them both hot as fire. "I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, Kaidan. I really am. You’re one of my closest friends, but... you need to suck it up. We were never together. We kissed once, like two years ago... You need t-.” Shepard stood tall, staring Kaidan down but she was having difficulty finishing her sentence. 

She could see how badly she was hurting him, but he had clearly romanticized their relationship... What could she do? A moment after she heard the awkward shuffle of Garrus shifting his weight and worried about how he was reacting to her emission.

“I need to suck it up? You’re the one who has completely lost their mind- Cerberus, Shepard? Terrorists? Good to see that the reports are true…" Kaidan stopped, and signaled over to a very silent Miranda. "I can’t believe it. I can not believe this.” With this he shot a bright blue energy ball from his hands exploding a crate behind him.

“How many times do I have to say this for you to understand it: I. Died." Stepping closer she was the one growling now. "I’ve been dead for two fucking years, Kaidan. Do you have any idea what any of this has been like for me? No, you don’t because you haven’t asked. You haven’t even stopped for one second to see if I was alright... You whine and complain about how hard my death had been on you- but guess what. I'm the one that had to experience it, not you. And you actually have the nerve to ask why Garrus was here and you weren't?" 

Jane stopped for a moment unclenching her fists, forcing herself to calm down before proceeding. "Yes, I found him. Yes, Cerberus brought me back. Yes, I’m ‘working with them’ because the Alliance and the Council are too damn busy ignoring what is coming. Cerberus-" She almost yelled as she pointed back towards Miranda. "-is the only one willing to do anything to stop this mess from happening.” She let out a long breath before crossing her arms and biting her lip a bit too hard. Garrus could smell her blood immediately. 

“Is any of this your business though? No, not really. But I will tell you one thing, Kaidan.” Another soft breath later and she stepped closer to him. “When I saw Garrus again for the first time… He didn’t try to make me feel guilty, or like I owed him anything. He didn’t blame me for dying. He didn’t scold me for working with Cerberus. Do you want to know what he did?" Her eyes changed from anger to ones of almost happiness. "He hugged me. He stood there… holding me. And ever since he’s been on my ship, he’s never once doubted me. Think about that for awhile and then we can talk about why he’s with me and you’re not.” Shaking her head heavily she walked back towards the shuttle zone. 

“If you want to believe your damn reports go right ahead, Alenko. Cerberus isn’t the real enemy here- The Reapers are. And if you can’t see that you’re more dense than I thought, Lieutenant.” Garrus growled turning to follow Shepard with Miranda, leaving the Lieutenant alone in the colony. 

Shepard was so damn pissed. What the hell was all of that? Did Kaidan really love her or was he just caught up in the moment of seeing her again? She knew that people often liked her, but _love_ was a whole different ball park; one she herself hadn’t mutually even experienced. Well, probably anyway... It seemed strange to her that someone could fall in love with her that she never actually was involved with- outside of ONE kiss. But maybe it wasn't so strange... She only recently accepted how strong her feelings were for Garrus, and they had never exactly been together either. 

The shuttle back to the Normandy was quiet. The air was heavy and she really wished that she hadn’t brought Miranda along this time. She had a feeling Miranda was watching her every move, reporting it back to the Illusive Man. If he didn't already suspect something was up between her and Garrus, he definitely would after Miranda filled him in. 

When the three of them exited the shuttle, she told Garrus she'd come find him later that evening. Right now, she needed to talk to Miranda, then debrief the Illusive man. She followed closely behind Miranda into the elevator, desperate to stop her from sharing anything with him. “Miranda… I know it’s your job to keep tabs on me. But… I’d really appreciate it if you'd leave what happened back there... with Kaidan- out of it. Out of... whatever you're going to tell the Illusive Man.” Jane didn’t make eye contact with her, only looking forward and standing tall. 

“You expect me to leave all of that out?” Miranda asked letting out a small chuckle as she place her tongue to the corner of her mouth. 

“Please, Miranda. I’d like to be able to trust you.” Only a glint of her nervousness spread through her voice. Shepard really didn't like asking favors from people she didn't know, and she seemed to be asking for a lot from Miranda lately. 

“What do you care if the Illusive Man knows?” Crossing her ams as the elevator stopped on the Crew Deck, Miranda watched the doors sliding open. 

“He doesn’t need another aspect of my life to control…” She finally made eye contact with her as Miranda stepped out of the elevator. There was a different look in Miranda’s eyes that time, one Shepard hadn’t seen her wear before. 

“Alright, Shepard.” Miranda's voice was soft as she nodded leaving Shepard in the lift as the doors slid closed.

\--- 

Shepard's debriefing with the Illusive Man had been pretty straight forward, their suspicions were undeniably true- the Collectors were hunting her. They couldn't really deny that they were working for the Reapers anymore either. Oh, and that anonymous tip that everyone received about the next colony to be attacked? Well, you can thank the Illusive Man himself for that one. He sent out the fake tip in attempts to coerce the next Collector abductions, putting his theory to the test. Needless to say, she was pissed. Anger aside, it really was a good plan. As much as she hated to admit it the plan had yielded results; This more than confirmed everything they hypothesized. 

At this point, she was 'suggested' to continue recruiting for her suicide mission. The Illusive Man forwarded her more dossiers, one of which was for her old friend Tali. Thinking back to the day she last saw her, they had a decent reunion- but Tali wasn’t too keen on Cerberus before, why would now be any different? In that moment she realized just how long the battle ahead would be. Feeling that momentary lapse of weakness…

_No, I could do this. We could do this_. 

Jane was pulled from her thoughts by the voice of her new Yeoman. “Commander!” Kelly’s tone was happy as usual, and her words were accompanied with a wide smile as she watched Shepard exit the Tech Lab. “How is our newest turian crew member doing?” 

“Kelly, hi. He's about as good as can be expected. Garrus has been through a lot… I worry about him.” Jane's reply was heavy as she thought about what he must have been through. 

Kelly was a nice girl, and Jane found it sweet how caring she always seemed. Or maybe she wasn't actually that sweet, and was just another Cerberus spy... There really was no way to tell was there, but she usually assumed the worst.

“There is just something about him… I just want to grab him, hold him and tell him it’s all going to be okay.” Kelly finished with another innocent smile, with eyes lightly daydreaming.

“I know exactly what you mean.” Shepard let out before thinking what the words meant. 

“Oh,” Kelly smiled even bigger. “You two would make such a cute couple.” And with that she turned back to her console and began typing. 

Shepard scrunched her face, covering it with a hand she bit her tongue. 

_Don’t make this worse… Just, turn around and go down to the Crew Deck again, you don’t have to comment._

Reluctantly she complied to the voice in her head, and made her way towards the Main Battery. When the doors slid open she saw Garrus standing with his back to her, his talons clicking away tirelessly at the console below them. 

“Hey, big guy.” Stepping in the room with a smile she leaned on the console besides him. Immediately feeling better as his familiar scent grounded her. 

“Things got pretty tense down there, huh?” Speaking without looking from his work he was feeling guilty for what had happened down there... Ashamed that he almost lost it again. He hadn't even thought about what it must feel like for her to constantly have two of your closest friends... practically fighting over her. Then he thought about everything she had said about him, about _them_ on Horizon...

“That’s putting it lightly.” She crossed her arms beginning to watch him. Noting the console commands zooming by more quickly than she could process.

“Shepard… There’s something I need to tell you.” Garrus finally pulled away from his calibrating to look at her briefly before turning back towards his console. 

“That’s ominous.” Letting out a light laugh, she felt herself growing anxious. 

Jane hadn't really meant anything by what she said on Horizon, well, nothing serious anyway. But she wondered if it upset him. She knew he wasn't exactly trying to be possessive over her, he was just turian. A strong apex predator... His instincts told him to protect and she even liked that about him. But in that moment, she just reacted. Flattery aside, she was getting pretty sick of the two of them always fighting and had let it slip. 

Garrus could tell she felt uncomfortable as he began to speak. “It’s nothing like that… I just. I think it’s about time I told you what happened on Omega. The full story.” After a few more clicks the mechanical doors behind Shepard closed and the lock turned red. 

“Alright. If you’re sure-“ Feeling herself stiffening as his octaves changed to a more serious tone.

“I should have told you when I first saw you. I just…” He paused, looking away from her. 

“If you don't want to talk about it, Garrus... you don’t have to.” Shifting her weight nervously as she pulled her arms behind her back.

“No. You deserve to know, Shepard.” Turning to face her, he continued. “I was just ashamed… In denial probably. However you want to put it. Bottom line is I messed up. I'm messed up..." His subvocal's had a different ring as he spoke this time. "I... had a squad before you found me. Not much different than the one you formed a couple years ago actually. They were good men. I made a mistake and I trusted the wrong person. My mistakes got them all killed.” 

“They’re all dead? How did…” Raising a delicate hand to her mouth, she felt the heaviness of his confession.

“His name is Sidonis. He was a part of my squad… One of the fist people I met on Omega, actually. “ Garrus couldn’t help but let out a dry laugh. “He sold me out. Sold my men out. That’s how I got stuck in that damn building you found me in. Sidonis tricked me- lured me away and by the time I realized what was happening it was too late.” He couldn't look at her anymore, but it felt good to get off his chest. 

“Are you sure it was him? Maybe he was killed in the attack with the others…” Her words were soft, and she hoped they would be comforting.

“It was him." Garrus voice was grave as he nodded with confidence. "We were supposed to meet for a job, one he set up. When he never showed, I knew something was wrong. By the time I made it back, I was too late… All but one of my men were dead, and he didn't last long. Sidonis was gone. I should have listened to y-" Realizing he hadn't confessed he had been hallucinating her- he quickly changed his thought pattern. He couldn't admit he had see her, shaking her head... warning himself not to go through with it. Instead, he focused on what his team had wanted before the attack, hoping she didn't notice his detour. "-them. When they wanted out… I should have settled for what we had done. Listened to my gut. But no, I had to let my pride get the best of me. I had to clean Omega up completely. Look where it got me... it cost me everything.” He still couldn't look at her feeling like too much of a disappointment. 

“Garrus, you can’t blame yourself for this. You can’t control Sidonis’ actions, you didn’t make him betray you. He did this to your men. You gotta be able to see that.” Stepping closer to him, she rubbed his shoulder softly in attempts at being comforting. 

“I know, Shepard. But I was responsible for them. They trusted me.” His purr was soft, and heavy with defeat. He just stare distantly in regret. “I need to find him. I need to make him pay. I can’t let him get away with this…”

Jane stood there a moment observing him. Finally she could see what was so different about him. He not only had lost her, he had lost everyone. Bitting her lip lightly, she released a long sigh sliding her hand to his wrist holding it lightly, choosing her next words carefully. “What do you plan on doing to him if you find him, Garrus?”

“I can’t let him get away with this, Shepard. I just can’t.” The way he spoke, she knew he wanted blood. He had lost ten lives to Sidonis. Ten lives he planned on collecting. They stood in silence for awhile, neither of them knowing what to say next. They had gotten to know each other so well- maybe _too_ well. As great as it was to have him back, being reunited almost seemed like a blessing and a curse. Any time she felt they were making progress, one of them would be reminded the reality of what two years dead did to them. She tried so hard to instill what compassion and control could do for him. Even with his noble intentions, he was still just as lost as before, perhaps even more so. 

The same could be said about her though, and she knew that. Having always been the picture of discipline and self control, she now had to work desperately to manage even the slightest of emotions. Feeling like she was a shell of what she once was- a pale, shitty, emotional wreck. Still herself, but not like before. Not the same woman. Changed. 

Reminding herself that dying would do that to you... She wondered if she would ever be that woman again. Would she always just have to fake it?

“I’ve had enough excitement for one day… I’m going to head upstairs." She turned facing the door. "Care to join me?” Looking back to him, she smiled. 

“I’ll be up in a bit.” Garrus purred turning back to the console, beginning to calibrate again. 

She watched him, nodding to herself and leaving the room. Jane could tell he was upset, that he needed some time alone, so reluctantly she left him to his thoughts. Walking down the hall she felt that annoying grumble in her lower stomach. She really should eat something... With no appetite she gaze glossy eyed in the fridge. Nothing sounded good, not even a bowl of Blast O's was going to cut it tonight. Knowing she had to eat something, she grabbed a human friendly rations packet, devouring it in seconds. Making her way from the Crew Deck to her own quarters, she still didn’t feel right. It didn't feel right. But the Normandy was more of a home than she had in years. Less of a home than the SR1 of course, but it was better than nothing. Having Garrus with her made it easier, but the emptiness made her mind wander. Would things ever feel normal again? Getting tired of asking herself this so much, she threw herself to the bed in frustration. For once she really couldn't tell what the future held and that scared the shit out of her. 

By the time Garrus joined her upstairs, she had been long asleep. He didn't want to risk waking her, so he just sat in the chair beside her bed; watching her breathe. He loved seeing the weird ways she'd contort her body while sleeping. Looking at her now, she held one leg tight to her chest, while the other lay long taking up the whole bed. One arm was shoved under her pillow, while the other draped over her head. It was rare to see her face when she slept, and somehow having all of that crimson hair all over didn't seem to bother her. None of this could be comfortable… But she did it every time she had the space. 

The next morning she woke alone in bed. Glancing around disappointedly, she saw Garrus sunk deep into the chair beside to her. She let the breath she tightly held out wondering why he hadn’t been next to her. At least he was there, right? She smiled to herself watching him sleep being reminded that she’d never have to be alone again. Not while he was around. It was a new day. And a new day would bring a new mission. 

Even having slept all night, she still woke tired- but knew, she could do this if he were there. If he were there and she had a _lot_ of coffee. Before she could do much, there was a knock at her door. Quickly she raised, running to the door hoping not to wake him. She saw that it was too late though. Turning as she heard him shifting behind her, she tossed him a smile as she opened the door. She wasn't sure who she had expected to see there, but it wasn't Miranda. There was something different about her again, she didn’t stand as strong as usual... Her face was light or weak even. 

“Shepard. Have you got a minute?” Miranda asked in a much softer voice than Shepard had gotten used to. 

“Of course. Do you mind?” Pointing to the hall, she stepped forward letting the mechanical buzz shut behind her.

“Have you got company? I could come back later-“ Turning towards the elevator Miranda stopped speaking. 

“No, Miranda... Don’t worry about it, I’m all ears.” She smiled, crossing her arms and leaning back on her door.

“This isn’t easy for me, Shepard. I wouldn’t be coming to you if I thought there was another way… But after everything with Mr. Vakarian, what you asked of me... I- oh, I don't know.” Miranda stepped away her voice still softer than usual, as she began pacing the space slowly. 

“Is everything alright, Miranda?” Uncrossing an arm as she noted the differences between the cold woman she had grown to know and the one in front of her now.

“I don't know where to start. I… I have a sister. Her name is Orianna. I have reason to believe she’s in danger, Shepard. I’m worried.” With this she turned to face the Commander, fidgeting with her hands sheepishly. 

“You have a sister? Did something happen?” As Jane spoke she couldn't help herself from yawning having just woke up.

“Look, if this is too boring for you, I can handle it myself.” 

And there it was, the cold, collected and condescending tone she had learned as Miranda's returned.

“Hey, calm down. I want to help you, Miranda. It’s like 7 in the morning, I was sleeping. My involuntary bodily functions aren’t meant to offend you, I swear.” She tried smiling, stepping closer she pat her shoulder lightly. “We’re not all perfect like you, Miss Lawson.” 

“I’m not perfect, Shepard… I make mistakes just like anyone else. I’m under a lot of pressure.” Miranda looked down, her voice softening again.

“Miranda. I’d be happy to help you find your sister. I just want a little information. Can I get dressed and meet you down in your office in a bit?” She stepped closer, offering another reassuring pat, unsure if it helped or not. 

Miranda nodded, calling the elevator. As she watched as Miranda stepped in she noticed the way she collected herself. Noticing the smallest of smiles leaving her lips as the doors closed leaving her in silence. Jane exhaled as she pulled a hand to her hair as she retreated through the door of her cabin, locking eyes with Garrus as she entered.

“Everything okay?” He questioned, his tone was light and smooth as usual. The sound of his subvocal's sent a shiver through her.

“I think so. Who knows..." 

Garrus watched her speak as she stepped closer to him, lifting a long slender hand to scratch her head. Noticing the way her oversized shirt slid up her things, revealing an area of her legs he hadn't seen before... Sliding his eyes to them, he traced the lines of her soft skin imagining what it would be like to touch her there... Shaking his head as he heard her speak again, he ended his fantasies abruptly.

"I’m beginning to realize how hard all this is going to be though.” Jane pulled an arm across her chest and she use her other arm to pull it into a long stretch.

_Focus_.

Garrus slid his eyes quickly to her face begging composure, catching the smile she was giving him. That was the smile of someone who had _definitely_ seen the way he was looking at her... He watched as she lowered her arm and closed the space between them sitting on her bed facing him. 

Trying to shift the focus from his insubordination, he began to speak again. “Shepard, are you okay? Yesterday couldn’t have been easy on you. Seeing Kaidan…” He was trying to keep his voice strong, but it was filled with uncertainty. But mostly he was trying to stop from staring at her legs... her neck... He was trying to stop from imagining all the things he wanted to do to her.

“Yeah. That was… interesting to say the least. I didn’t realize that Kaidan was so… I didn't realize that he- felt... that... way.” Looking at her hands, forgetting all about the look she had seen in Garrus' eyes only moments ago. She wasn’t sure how to have this conversation. 

“I hate to break it to you, Shepard. But most of your friends are in love with you.” Garrus laughed, sinking into the chair he sat more. 

_Stop looking at her._

“Even you, Mr. Vakarian?” When he met her eyes, they were light. Seductive even... 

He didn’t speak, he just looked at her with eyes wide and mandibles light. Thankfully he didn’t have to come up with an answer, because Joker chimed in with news that they would be approaching their next destination, Illium shortly. He noticed the small weak smile she let slip as she stood, entering the bathroom leaving him in silence. 

What did she expect him to say? What could he say to that? Even if he had the answer, he wouldn’t have been able to speak it. Truthfully, he wasn’t immune to the effects she had on those around her. He thought about being with her more times than he'd care to admit... But he had always just assumed that their indiscretion all those years ago was just... nerves. Nerves and alcohol. Best friends under pressure. Lashing out and grabbing desperately onto something familiar, for those last moments of peace and calm before the fate they thought lie ahead.

Thinking about about her though, maybe there really was more to it. Maybe she felt more than friendship for him... Maybe she wanted more too. Remembering every time he felt himself drawn to her. The way her lavender skin made him feel... How he’d always find himself watching her and protecting her. He thought of every small touch of affection and the friendship they had. Was it more? Was it- dare he say... love? 

Whatever it was, it was something he couldn't handle right then. Before he knew what he was doing he had pulled himself from his chair and left the room quickly. He needed some time to think. Garrus had to get ready for their day anyway... he’d see her again soon. He could make up an excuse for his speedy exit then. 

When she exited the bathroom, to her surprise she didn't see him. Trying her best not to be disappointed that he had left without a word, she began to suit up. A part of her hoped that he too had feelings for her... Okay, a big part of her wanted that. Knowing he felt the same way would just make all of this a lot easier. But his silence had said enough... Clearly his affection and adoration was more familial than romantic. Close calls, and past indiscretions aside she would have to get used to that. 

By the time they made it to Illium it was nearly mid day, and upon arrival they were notified that Liara T’Soni, their old friend was there. Realizing all the tasks ahead, they’d be on this planet for quite some time. Shepard didn't mind though, the city was quite beautiful. Despite what you'd think, Garrus assured her that there was just as much crime and corruption here as there was on Omega; things were just wrapped up a little nicer here. Shepard found it hard to believe, but trusted his anecdote in the end. The three of them walked in silence to Liara’s office. Even without his visor telling him Shepard was nervous, he'd have seen it. Upon entering the office, they saw an asari with their back turned towards them. She was speaking rather aggressively on a video call, but on hearing them enter her tone lightened.

It was Liara.

“Shepard… It’s really you.” Speaking quietly as she step closer to Shepard, pulling her into a tight hug.

“It’s really me.” Jane hugged her old friend back, feeling the comfort of her embrace. 

They had only spent a few minutes with Liara, but already she could tell how different she was. Everyone had changed so much while she was gone… She wanted to ask about the tags she had given to Garrus, but pleasantries aside Liara needed something and had already sent the three of them on simple tasks. The kind of stuff that Shepard usually wouldn’t have done. It wasn't that hacking terminals was beneath her, she enjoyed a good challenge like the next tech geek. But the fact that Liara would send her to do these random dirty jobs like she was some thug for hire, rubbed her the wrong way. Part of her wanted to say no, that these kinds of jobs were the kinds that got people bad reputations. That these jobs where the kinds she fought against. But Liara needed help, and she needed answers. 

After Liara was satisfied with her information, she finally gave Shepard some back. Liara was looking for the Shadow Broker. Shepard remember a time a few months ago- No, a few years ago... when an agent of the Shadow Broker wanted information from her. Having not complied, they threatened she would regret it one day... Remembering this brought a heaviness like rocks, building in her lower gut. She swallowed wondering just what Liara had gotten herself into. That was all Liara would give her though, blocking her attempts with lame excuses.

“Can you just tell me what the hell is going on, Liara?” Shepard finally blurted after minutes of useless chatter. “I’ve been dead and the first thing you do is send me off to run tasks for you like a pet. You won't give me anything... I know you know something, El." She stood from her chair, again realizing her inability to remain calm. This time when she spoke, she tried to keep her voice low. "I’m just trying to piece together what happened to me.”

“Shepard… I am sorry. But I can’t. Not yet.” Liara finished her voice lined with shame, not looking her in the eyes. 

Noticing the look Liara sent past her and to Garrus made her turn to eye him suspiciously. “Whatever you say.” Trying not to sound annoyed, she walked forward. “I have other business to tend to. I’ll see you later, Liara.”

The three of them left Liara alone in her office, and were off to start their long day of recruiting. If Liara wouldn't help her, someone else would... She would figure out the details. Eventually. Pushing her thoughts to the side, she set after a Justiciar named Samara. Finding her had been a relatively simple task, and they were already off on their second recruitment of the day. This time they were after a drell assassin called Thane. Lucky for them, both recruitment tasks proved to be very straightforward, no where near as challenging as finding Archangel had been. Thane had been hunting down a crazed businesswoman who had a knack for murdering her workers. And Samara had been on her own hunt tracking an Ardat-Yakshi, causing quite the stir amongst those living in Illium. Lets just say having a Justiciar around wasn't good for business, and even the officers wanted her gone. The three of them were met with little resistance, and eventually both new members were safely on board the Normandy. They even had enough time to schedule a meet up with Miranda’s contact. 

By the end of the day, they were all exhausted. Shepard had a ship full of new allies, and Miranda’s sister had been saved. Knowing exactly what it felt like to be betrayed by an old friend, she felt for deeply for Miranda. It was unfortunate that her best friend had also the one to sell her out to her Father... But it hadn't been all bad, some good would come from the pain she would make sure of it. During their quest to find Orianna, Miranda let her know all of the details about her father. About her and about what she was... what Orianna was. Their father, Mr. Lawson had been the one to genetically modify Miranda, that she already knew. But what she didn’t know was that Miranda never had a mother. She had _literally_ been pieced together, made up of her father and any useful gene he could think to stuff in the tube with her. 

There was that, plus this 'sister' of hers was actually a genetic clone of Miranda. One that was created years after Miranda had been 'born'. Orianna was only 19, and after seeing her, she could honestly say they looked nothing alike. Letting herself wonder for a moment how you could be the exact replica of someone, but not look anything like them... No matter, Orianna was a part of her. She was her sister. Seeing the look of affection Miranda wore after saving her life, she couldn't let her leave, not without saying something to her. Having lost her own family she couldn’t help but want Miranda to have at least a part of hers again. Even if it was a little strange and messed up... Reluctantly Miranda complied approaching Orianna and her family, leaving Garrus and Shepard alone. 

“Well that was quite the day, huh?” Shepard asked not looking to him. She still felt a little weird about their ‘conversation’ that morning, if you could even call it that. 

“Who knew there was a real person under all of that.” Garrus purred coarsely though his subvocal's as they watch Miranda talking ahead. 

“I’m just glad we could help her. I owe her a lot.” Pulling her lower lip to her teeth, she bit it lightly. “She’s the reason I’m alive ya know? The reason you are.” 

“Wait, what?” He tried hiding the shock that reverberated in his voice. 

“Yeah… you were… Well, you weren't as bad as 'meat and tubes', but it didn't look good. Chakwas was pretty positive you weren’t going to make it.” She leaned back on the railing behind them, lightly chewing her bottom lip.

“Why would Cerberus help me? They don't care about aliens... It doesn’t make sense.” He was still quite confused shaking his head slowly. Trying to hide the tone of his voice as he study her carefully. 

“Cerberus didn’t help you. She did. I… I told her I’d walk if you died.” Feeling her face growing warm, she grew slightly embarrassed at her confession. It was a little extreme, even she knew it. But in that moment, she had meant it. And if he had died, she wondered if she'd have gone through with it.

“You’re joking.” His words were smooth, but there was a seriousness as he spoke. Not really know what to say he just keep studying her. He knew it was close, but he hadn't realize he was that close to the end. He didn’t realize she cared that much…

“I’m really not.” She smiled letting out a light awkward laugh. It had only been about two weeks, but it felt so long ago. “I couldn’t lose you, Garrus.” 

Noticing that she finally made eye contact with him, he started. “I’m not going anywhere, you know that don’t you, Shepard?” Trying his best at a reassuring voice, he placing his three fingered hand around her, pulling her into his arm. She leaned down relaxing into him, watching the skycars pass by. She didn’t need to speak, he knew exactly what she was thinking.

They were both given second chances… What were they going to do with them?


	12. Uneasy Lies the Head that Wears the Crown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS LONG. Lots of stuff happening this chapter, >:) hope it wasn't TOO much.

The days turned into weeks and Shepard’s crew continued to grow in size. She had accumulated quite the tableau of skilled individuals. From the explosively powerful biotic Jack known throughout Cerberus as Subject Zero, to the self named Grunt- a tank bred, pureblood krogan left for them by Warlord Okeer. She found herself falling into her oldest of routines and patterns; making rounds about the ship as she did on the SR1. Even finding herself caring about her Cerberus crew members. Finally after all these weeks she was beginning to feel a bit more normal. A bit more like Shepard. She and Garrus were doing well all things considered, if she could only manage to stop fixating… 

The days passed and every morning she woke beside Garrus, somehow feeling both better and worse. She couldn't stop thinking about the distance growing between them. It seemed to creep closer each day weighing heavy in even their closest moments. It was getting really hard to be so close to him, so… intimate. But also so far away at the same time. It felt like he would go between playing the role of partner to that of parent or older sibling… It was confusing. Awkward. Mostly though, it was hard. His affectionate protection reminded her that she wasn’t alone, that he was watching her six. But sometimes it reminded her how different she was now. That protectiveness almost felt like he didn’t trust her abilities anymore, like he didn’t trust her anymore. 

She of all people knew how weird all of this was. How strange the glow of her scars were, even if they had begun to fade. The fact that she had always only been a soldier, but now she had these almost uncontrollable biotic powers. Getting used to that wasn't close to the strangest part of her life, and she knew it. She noticed how quickly her wounds healed, how much faster and controlled she was in battle. Learning quickly though that control in battle was entirely different from controlling emotions. If anyone knew how weird this all was, it was her. But most days she felt normal. Right. Real. Garrus always keeping her at arms length reminded her that she wasn't. He knew her better than anyone, if she had come back wrong he'd have know, wouldn't he? She wasn't right. But not quite wrong either. She was still Jane, but also she wasn't. 

_Different. Just a few upgrades…_

_Just like Saren._

_No. Not like Saren. You are nothing like him._

Could this be why Garrus had been so distant? Could he see what she had become? A monster… something inhuman. Like Saren. Not right. But not wrong either… A Cerberus tool brought back from the grave only to die again at the perfect time. It made her sad to think about, but what else could it be? She knew there was something between them. Something strong and special. The way he’d look at her sometimes, she just knew he had to feel it too. There were moments where it felt like he was about to kiss her again as he had on the Docking Bay. But anytime he got too close, something stopped him. She could see something changing in his eyes as he shut himself off from her yet again. Could he have really met someone while she had been dead? Two years is a long time... Whatever it was holding him back only reminded her how hollow she felt inside. Of how she was alone even when she wasn’t. Reminding her that she wasn’t right. Not really. But she wasn’t wrong either… Or was she just going insane creating problems where there were none?

No matter what was or wasn't wrong with her, she needed to focus. More than once she had been reminded on how important this mission was; how important she was. Knowing her crew's resolve had to be strong, she did what she could to help them tie up their loose ends. Even encouraging them to mingle, make friends… be nice to each other if they could manage. She even went as far to require mandatory weekly dinners for awhile there. No exceptions. Once a week wasn’t that bad, and as the meetings went on they changed from a requirement to everyone just wanting to spend time together. They all knew how likely it was that they all would die in just a few weeks time, so why not enjoy what time they had left? No one talked about it, but they all knew what was coming. Time was running out— each day bringing them closer to their one way trip through the Omega 4 relay. A day closer to their suicide mission. A day closer to the end... 

No, she wasn’t going to let that happen. Somehow they would figure a way back through that relay. She wasn’t going to throw her life away that easy.

In her attempts at normalcy she went about her business as usual. One mission at a time she and Garrus helped their crew members find peace, or ran random under the radar jobs for Hackett. Being on the field with Garrus was just about the only time she felt like things hadn't changed. Even if she wanted to leave him behind, she couldn't. She just didn't feel as safe without him, and fighting without him wasn't going to happen; Even with the awkwardness between them he was still her second, he was still her best friend. 

Miranda may have held the official title and all the perks that came with it, but everyone knew Garrus was her real number two. Once the crew grew comfortable in their new roles, she noticed a change in both of them. But more specifically she noticed a change in Miranda. Ever since Shepard helped with her sister, it almost felt as though they were… dare she say it— friends? Like Miranda actually cared about her further than just some science project. As strange as the friendship was she really needed it, especially with her complicated situation with Garrus. As she grew closer with each of her new squad members, she learned all about them. Always having a way of making them feel like even the simplest of questions asked were important to her. That she truly cared about their answers. It was easy for her, because she did. Knowing them gave her strength. Something to fight for. 

“I would fuck that turian into next week.” Jack expressed a bit too loudly, licking her lips as she leaned back on to the table abruptly pulling Shepard from her thoughts of the mission. She immediately regretted her last train of thought. 

_Maybe I could do with out Jack... Kidding. Mostly._

The Mess Hall was fairly quiet, well besides the giggling coming from Gabby and Kelly at Jack’s confession. Shepard wasn’t going to have time to think about anything important now, not here with these three. Her attention was brought back to the table as she began listening to them speak again. Whatever they had been on about before had been completely blocked out and she had no idea for how long either. Looking down at the plate full of food that had grown cold, she eyed it suspiciously. Everyone was always talking about how bad Gardner's food was... maybe it would be best she stick to rations. At least until she got around to that grocery list. Not to self: buy the damn food, preferably before we all die. 

Sliding the beer she held loosely in her hand to her lips she took a swig. Focusing on Jack again, she wished she hadn’t. Once again she was on about how bad she wanted to sleep with Garrus. Just about any chance she got she was talking about it to be clear. To the point that it was getting more than a little irritating for Shepard. Every time it happened she felt her ears growing warm, as a little bit of anger steeped into her. Squeezing the neck of her bottle tighter as she imagined Garrus accepting the offer. For a second she let herself see them kissing. Embracing. Removing each others clothing in a fit of unchecked passion. 

_No. Stop. You aren't together. It doesn't matter._

“That’s not surprising. Your psych profile did mention your tendency to use sex as a tool… and well, your interest in aliens. I’m not judging you, Jack. I find both Garrus and Thane very attractive. Thane especially is just so sexy and mysterio—” Kelly started softly nudging Gabby as they began to giggle, but was cut off but a very unamused Jack. 

“Keep your damn nose out of my files, you hear me? Unless you want me bringing up that creepy fucking —“ Jack threatened but was forcefully shushed by a more docile and compliant Kelly. “That’s what I thought, Red.” Pulling her cheek into her teeth, she bit it lightly staring towards the main battery.

“Too bad for you, Jack.” Miranda cut in loudly. “But I'm fairly certain Mr. Vakarian is already involved.” She finished as she pour hot water into a mug in the kitchenette, not looking away from her tea.

“Fuck you, Cheerleader, mind your own damn business…” Jack yelled back, her hand glowing a light electric white. But after a second curiosity got the best of her and she couldn't help but continue. “With who?” 

“Hah… I don’t see how that’s any of your business. But I wouldn’t try it unless you feel like getting rejected.” Miranda’s cold voice antagonizing her, as she raised her mug to her lips blowing on the molten liquid inside. “Something in your file tells me you don’t.”

“Are you telling me you’re fucking him then?” Sliding her legs up and around to the other side of the table she now faced Miranda head on.

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Chuckling as she threw a quick glance towards Shepard, one which was returned with slightly pleading eyes, full of confusion and desperation. 

Did Miranda know something she didn't? Now that she thought about it, her crush on Garrus couldn't really be a secret to Miranda; if you could call it a 'crush' anymore. Miranda had been there from the very beginning, she had seen everything since their reunion on Omega. If anyone knew how she felt about him, it would be her. 

“Whatever… like he’d be into an uptight bitch like you anyway.” Jack scoffed turning back to her table mates, slight annoyance in her voice as the tingle at her hands dissipated.

Jack had been considerably better since Shepard took her to Pragia. Who knew blowing the place up would have been so therapeutic for Jack. Shepard had even managed to defuse most of the tension between her and Miranda afterwards as well, which was an accomplishment all its own. Well they agreed to at least wait until after the mission to kill each other, so that was something.

As she thought about it, she realized what Miranda had been alluding to, and begged the goddess— the spirits, whoever— to please not let anyone catch on. Growing increasingly uncomfortable by the turn of events she realized that maybe becoming friends with everyone on the ship wasn’t such a good idea after all… It was clear what Miranda was trying to do, but why? Was this her weird way of showing friendship? Was this Miranda trying to… help? Good intentions aside, Miranda only managed to embarrass her. 

“Shepard, you’re always with him. Is he seeing anyone?” Kelly asked curiously, only a mild hint of suspicion and accusation in her voice. 

Jane would have to think quickly… She didn’t want any anything circulating the Normandy, or even worse to leave the ship. There were already enough rumors cycling around about her and Cerberus, she didn't need to add drama from her personal life into it. 

“That my friends is as much my business as it is yours.” Smiling lightly she looked towards the main battery, feeling her heart grow a little heavy. Maybe that really was why he was distant lately. Maybe he really had met someone and fallen in love while she had been gone… Maybe that was why he'd never let himself really be with her in those moments. Thinking about it now wouldn't do a thing, those questions should be saved for another day. 

“Fuck that.” Scoffing as she nudged Shepard in the shoulder, continuing with a light and juvenile posture; Only a slight air of mischief. “You know, Shepard. You better fucking spill.” Jack leaned over rubbing her hands together excitedly.

“If he’s seeing anyone, he hasn’t told me about it.” Jane said in a calm collected voice, shooting Miranda a look— catching a small smirk leave her lips as she turned the corner to her office. She hadn’t been lying. They weren’t together. And if he had met someone, he sure didn’t care to share that information. But it wasn't like he was sharing much of anything with her now a days…

“Bullshit. Either he’s fucking you, or—“

“Okay, then!” Shepard stood up far too quickly, bumping the table she caused everything to stir and shuttle. She hadn’t failed to catch the look she got from each of the girls. “I think that’s enough excitement for one day. I'm... tired. Now. Goodnight.” Turning quickly she walked to the elevator, repeatedly smashing the call button; she could not get out of there fast enough. Why the hell did she have to be so damn awkward now? If it wasn't obvious before, it was definitely obvious now. Pinching the bridge of her nose she looked down, suppressing a laugh.

Finally peace was promised as she heard the chime and watched the elevator doors slowly slide open. Inside Thane stood, very calm and solemn as usual. Shepard spent a decent amount of time with him considering. Garrus may have been with her every night, but he spent most days calibrating, and it felt a lot like he was just avoiding her. Since she had a lot more free time she got to know Thane. She found him very interesting having been the first drell she had met, but not only that he seemed very insightful. Maybe she could learn something about herself by spending time with someone so wise. Over time he told her about his wife. How they met, fell in love, then all about how he lost her. Basically Thane was a whole shipload of sorrow, but somehow that pain only seemed to make him stronger. She admired that about him. In addition to being wise beyond his years, Thane was easy to talk to. He always seemed so calm and in control and Jane hoped that maybe she could learn a thing or two about controlling herself by befriending him. 

“Thane. I wasn’t expecting to see you in there.” She smiled signaling for him to exit, but he shook his head. 

“I was hoping to speak with you, but you weren’t in your quarters.” His voice was deep, raspy; he always spoke with precision and grace. She could definitely see why Kelly had called him sexy before. 

“I’m heading there now, is everything alright?” Stepping in next to him, she pressed the button for her level. The ride up was silent, she never was very good at small talk. Once they entered her quarters, she sat on the couch signaling him to join her. 

Thane stood tall with his arms fastened behind his back as he finally began to speak. “I was hoping you would assist me with something important. I have some matters to attend to on the Citadel.” 

“Alright. Do you care to elaborate?” Her voice growing curious as she shifted her weight beneath her.

“I have a son.” As he spoke he stepped closer, sitting beside her on the couch. “Kolyat hasn’t made many good choices in his life so far. The path he is on is full of darkness and pain. I wish to stop him before it becomes too late, before he cannot forgive himself.” Pausing for a moment, he thought on his next words. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but when he was a boy I left him to carry out my own vengeance…”

“That’s… not the choice I would have expected.” Her voice was soft as she turned toward him, brow lowered deep in thought.

“After Kolyat’s mother was murdered, I did something I normally wouldn't have. I killed for myself. Out of spite and rage. I hunted the men who took her from me, killing every last one of them. I didn't want to leave Kolyat, but it needed to be done. I do not regret killing them, Siha. I would do it again, I assure you. I only regret the decision to leave him behind. It seems my absence has cause him more distress than I would have anticipated.” Thane managed to keep his voice level and controlled, even though all of this had to be painful. "I need to fix this."

Hearing him talk about the rage he felt reminded her of Garrus and how he flipped out on Kaidan. Then her mind moved to the conversation they’d had about Sidonis and his crew all those weeks ago… She didn’t want the same heaviness Thane wore to burden her best friend. Her… 

“I can understand that. It’s not easy losing someone close to you.” She finished looking to the table beside them, losing herself while staring at the empty wine glasses and datapads scattered about. “We'll make sure it’s done, okay?” Giving his shoulder a firm squeeze, she realized how close he had been sitting to her. Before she could really react to the look in his eyes, she heard the mechanical buzz behind them. She stood ready to greet Garrus with a wide smile knowing it would be him.

“Shepard, I—“ Stopping mid sentence when he noticed she had a late night guest. Looking over them he held his mandibles light in surprise. Noticing how close they had been to each other sent knots in his stomach. Feeling his chest growing heavy he forced himself to speak again. “If you’re busy, I can come back another time…” His voice trailed off as he looked to the side feeling himself stiffen. 

Squinting her eyes at him, she wondered what was he on about. She shifted her weight uncomfortably as she crossed her arms feeling the slightest air of concern seep into her voice. “Garrus?”

Feeling the air of the room Thane stood ready to leave, “I think I’ll be going now. We can discuss this more tomorrow, Siha. Thank you for speaking to me so late.” Garrus watched as Thane finished his words, extending a hand to her. He also noticed the way he held her delicate hand in his a few moments too long before turning and leaving the room. 

Garrus could feel the heat rising from his stomach as it stretched up his chest and ended in his throat. Pulling tightly around his neck, it held him in place. His mandibles clenching tightly to his face now, the look of surprise replaced by that of jealousy. He didn't like how close Thane had been to her… How long he held her hand in his. At the same time did he have any right to feel that way? Shepard wasn't his… Maybe they spent every night safely in each others arms, but the last time they were actually involved had been years ago. Not only that, but he knew he had been pushing her away. He was pushing her away because she deserved so much better than him. He was pushing her away to save her from the mess of a person he'd become. Plus, she had been spending a lot of time with the drell hadn’t she…

“Garrus, you okay? You’re like…” As she stepped closer, he could see the concern growing on her face. “You look like you’re about to have an aneurism. And are you… growling?” Fully closing the space between them, she stood intently searching for any indication as to what could be wrong.

“Hmm? No. I’m fine, Shepard.” Shaking his head as he stepped back and cleared his throat surprising the rumbling in his chest. 

Some days he didn’t really know why he was pulling away, or why he was lying to her. Shepard was the only thing that mattered to him, but he found himself making excuses or isolating himself anytime she'd come around. Maybe it was because he knew he wasn't good enough for her, that he'd never be good enough for her. He couldn't let himself be with her with the man he had become… Not with how badly he failed. She deserved a better man than he could ever be.

“What’s wrong, Garrus?” When she spoke this time her voice was weak, scared even.

“I just don’t feel very well all of a sudden. It’s nothing, really Shepard…” Realizing just how bad he was at lying to her, he looked away. 

Knowing he had no right didn't stop him from wanting to ask what Thane was doing up there, or why he had a pet name for her. He wanted to ask why they had been spending so much time together. But most of all, what he really wanted to do was grab her and press his mouth to hers again. To taste her again… He knew that he had hit bottom, and that being with Shepard helped all of that- but it didn't erase what two years without her had done. 

“Really? You’re gonna do this?” Growing anxious she pulled her lip in biting it hard, as she steadily tapped her toe beneath her.

The smell of her blood pulled him from his compulsions. “Do what?” He said flatly, still not looking her in the eyes. 

Why he was acting like such a child, he didn’t know. Or maybe he did, but that didn't excuse it. Watching as she stepped closer to him now forcing his eyes to her own. The way those big emerald gems looked up at him full of doubt and bewilderment. The way the light from the fish tank illuminated her pale skin… Of course she was confused, he was being ridiculous. Knowing that didn’t stop him from acting that way though. 

“Come back to me.” Shepard slid a hand up his chest ending at his neck, pressing her body against his as she held his face lightly in her hands. The sudden closeness surprising both of them. She wasn’t sure what she was doing, but she could feel him slipping further than he had ever before. 

“I’m—“ Garrus lifted his hands to cover hers, giving himself a moment of peace. Allowing himself to be with her, even if just for a moment. She really was beautiful. “I’m here, Shepard.”

“Where’d you go? Where have you been going? You can’t just leave me all alone like that, big guy. I need you.” Whispering she leaned her forehead to his, standing tall on her toes, feeling his warmth surround her. 

“I’m here.” He purred, pulling his head back lightly but not enough to worry her further. Being that close to her… He remembered the softness of her mouth as he traced the delicate curves of her lips. All he wanted to do was touch them again… 

_No. Stop. She deserves someone better. Someone that doesn't ruin everything they touch._

He slipped her hands from his face, pulling her into a tight hug suppressing his urge. “I just got some news that shook me up is all.” 

“About Sidonis?” Her voice filling with urgency she pulled from his hug to look at him again. What it would mean if he had found Sidonis, she wasn’t sure. 

“Yeah. About Sidonis. I put some feelers out to my contacts in C-Sec. I think I know how we can track him down.” Watching her face as he spoke, he could see she didn’t like the idea, but that she was willing to do it. Hell, part of him didn’t even like the idea. But vengeance was the only thing that could soothe his troubled mind. 

“Anything, Garrus. Just tell me where to go.” She pulled back a bit watching him closely. Wondering if this could be what was bothering him, something told her it wasn’t. There was more to it. Wherever this Sidonis was, it wouldn't solve the problem. But that wouldn't stop her from trying.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” Finally his mandibles loosened a bit as he pulled a taloned hand to her chin holding it lightly between his fingertips. 

Once again he felt the overwhelming urge to feel her lips on him. But no matter how badly he wanted her, he resisted. Garrus knew he would just screw this up, like he had screwed everything up. He feared he'd suck her dry and leave her broken and wilted. Jane was one thing he wasn't willing to ruin. She was the one thing he wasn't willing to lose. No matter how badly he wanted to be with her, it wasn't worth the risk.

“Are you sure you’re alright? You just seem…” Sliding her bottom lip between her teeth again, she licked her lips tasting dried blood. “If there was something else you’d tell me wouldn’t you?”

“Shepard…” He lightly slid his thumb over her lip, touching where she had bit it. “What do you want me to say?”

“The truth would be nice. What’s really going on? You’ve never… well, you've never really lied to me before, Garrus. It’s… I don’t like it.” She finished with a sigh as her brow lowered.

“I’m just worried about you. I’m worried that I… that I’m going to lose you again. That one of these mornings I’m going to wake up and you’re still going to be gone. You're my best friend, Jane...” He wasn’t lying, not really. He was terrified of losing her. But he wasn’t exactly telling her the truth either. Was this confession really any better than the truth would have been?

“I don’t plan on dying again, Garrus. That was a one time only thing.” Jane smiled up at him, his face was only inches from hers again. She felt his hand sliding to her neck, lightly resting it at the base of her skull. Having him so close to her was intense, and her stomach anxious with desire. It seemed for a second that he was going to give in. For a second it felt like maybe he was going to kiss her. Instead he just held an equivocal look in his eyes, offering her nothing but more questions.

“Come on. I see a very comfortable bed calling our names.” He lead her to the bed with a light smile. 

Whatever it was, he wasn’t going to budge, and she would have to accept that. Whatever they were, wasn't going to be figured out anytime soon, and she would have to accept that too.

Jane may have been sleeping better by comparison, but ever since she ‘met’ Harbinger her dreams were haunted. Almost every night since Horizon she would dream about the Collectors and what was coming. Some nights she'd see Garrus being ripped to shreds by the Reaper created monsters. Other nights she only saw herself being destroyed. But more often than not she was haunted by her own death. On the worst nights she'd wake gasping for air, desperately clawing at her throat begging oxygen to fill her lungs. Garrus had gotten used to the nightly routine, offering comfort any time she needed it. Night after night he held her, promising she was still alive. Promising she was still Shepard. Promising closeness, but still keeping her at a distance. 

The days that followed were tense. Garrus could feel Thane and Shepard growing close, large in part due to him and he knew it. Ever since he walked in on them upstairs, he would make an excuse possible to avoid spending time with her. Telling her he was busy calibrating, when really he just sat wishing he was with her. Knowing it was those excuses that pushed her further away and closer to him. Knowing it was his own self doubt that kept him from telling her how he felt. His own self hate that stopped him from trying. He didn't deserve to be happy while his men were rotting in unmarked graves while Sidonis walk free. But she did. She deserved happiness more than any one on that ship.

Standing in the Main Battery after having blown Shepard off yet again, he couldn't help but wonder what she and Thane had to talk about. Wondering what they were doing... At night she would come back smelling of him. 

_Had they… No. Stop. Don’t think about it. You’re just her friend… Nothing more._

Being ‘just friends’ wasn’t easy for Garrus, but he’d do it. He would do anything for her. If that meant shutting her off and pushing her into the arms of another man, he would do it. Shepard deserved someone that had their life together… Someone that could give her everything she wanted. Someone closer to home.

Today was no different, Garrus woke feeling her slipping further away. Unable to stop isolating himself he knew they were barely hanging by a thread… Some nights he didn’t even make it up to her cabin before she was already sound asleep. Some mornings he wasn't there when she woke. Even now he sat back watching from the sidelines as Thane and Shepard spoke to Captain Bailey about his son. Observing the way Thane watched her. The look in his eyes proved how he must have felt about her. If he couldn’t smell it already, he'd still have know the drell was just as infatuated with Shepard as everyone else had been.

Garrus didn't like the whole 'good cop, bad cop' routine the two of them played either, but what did he expect? He wasn't exactly fun to be around now a days, and even their missions together seemed strained. He didn’t like being in this position, feeling like he was on the outside looking in. Knowing it was his own doing made it even worse. He was doing what he always did; Giving up and running away when things got tough just like his father always said he would. In those moments he finally knew what it felt like to be in Kaidan’s shoes… Even allowing himself for a second to feel bad for the biotic. He didn’t have much time to think about how it felt though, they had finally tracked Kolyat's target down. He was planning to kill a turian politician, one that was known for his anti-human campaign. No surprise there, but Shepard still felt compelled to help him. It didn’t matter if he didn’t care for humans, she wasn’t biased when it came saving lives. 

“Hey, big guy. You in there?” Shepard’s voice was cautious as she grew into focus pulling Garrus from his thoughts. “Thane and I have to do this part alone. Covert spy shit.” She said extending a hand to his arm, noticing the seriousness of his face. She felt awkward… She could feel a heaviness between them. One that pulled down sinking them beneath the waves of mistrust and time. She was trying desperately to hold on to him, but knew deep down she couldn't. “Mind hanging back with Bailey again?” 

“I mean Blastos has already made a fortune off of you, Shepard. You may as well give them some more content to work with, right?” Garrus was trying humor, they both could see it was forced though. what he really wanted to say was that no, it was not alright. But of course his joke was a cover for his true feelings. It wasn't right. They weren’t right.

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up Vakarian. I don’t see them making vids about you.” She crossed her arms, sending him a wide smile. His smile. For just a second she felt like things were normal again, but she knew better than that. 

“Oh, I don’t know. Archangel would make a great series don't you think?” Sliding his hand over his fringe, noticing Thane behind them watching. Observing on his own. 

“I’d pay to see that.” Laughing as she removed her hand and stepped back into a heel. “I better go. Don’t get yourself into trouble… I’m serious.” She ended with a finger pointed in his face. Jane wanted Garrus to join them, but something about the way he’d been acting let her know that even if he could, he probably didn’t want to.

“What kinda trouble could I really get into on the Citadel?” He asked mocking surprise as he shifted his weight effortlessly, still noticing Thane in the background.

“You my friend, invented trouble. I’ll be seeing you.” With another smile she turned leaving him in C-Sec. 

Even though she felt a strain between them, she knew he cared about her. Moments like this made her hopeful again that they could get back to where they had been before she… before she died.

Garrus watched as that glorious head of crimson hair faded into the distance. It made him uncomfortable how closely Thane walked to her. Reminding himself again that he had no right to be upset, since it was he who allocated them. Feeling himself growing more annoyed, he took a seat in the corner of C-Sec. In attempts to distract himself as best he could he focused on the changes around The Citadel. The place looked a lot different from when he worked there, and he noticed a considerable amount of humans. No doubt due to Shepard’s accomplishments. She really had made fantastic strides for the Alliance. But she not only helped for humans, she brought the entire galactic community together. Things still weren’t perfect, but since she stopped Sovereign and died a martyr; she had become the pinnacle of human excellence.

“You found Shepard? Send me her coordinates. Thank you, —” 

Garrus heard a voice come into focus for a moment around him. Who was looking for Shepard and why? Whatever the reason, he couldn’t assume they wanted an autograph. But how was he supposed to find whoever had been talking in this mess? The Citadel was busy, too busy— stuffed full of people… Not only that but he didn’t even know what his target looked like. It felt like a needle in a haystack; he’d heard Shepard use that one before... Frantically searching the faces around him, trying his best at discipline… he listened carefully. Hunting. 

_Focus. You can do this._

A few deep breaths later he saw a dark figure walking quicker than anyone else in the area. He followed quickly trying to catch up, this was sure to be his target. Whoever was following Shepard, wouldn’t find her- he would be sure of that. After a few moments run he was within reach. Garrus grabbed the cloaked figure from behind, swinging him forcefully into the wall beside them. 

“Who are you? Why are you following—“ Garrus stopped realizing who he had grabbed. “Kaidan… what are you doing here?” 

“Get you claws off of me.” Kaidan let out violently shoving Garrus’ grip from his jacket. 

“What are you doing here... Why are you following, Shepard?” Filling his voice with accusation he held his face strong and predatory.

“Not that it concerns you, Garrus. But I need to talk to her, I’m not satisfied with the way we left things on Horizon. Now if you'll excuse me.” Kaidan tried walking past him, but a taloned hand shoving him back against the wall stopped him.

“Who were you talking to?” Garrus stood close, eyes burning into him. He thought momentarily about Horizon before he continued. “She’s still dealing with the last time you wanted to talk to her.” Finding it hard to remain calm, he just look at Kaidan almost begging him to do something so he could react. So he could use him as a human punching bag to take out all his frustrations on. 

_No. Focus._

“Garrus… I don’t know what’s going on with you two. But, this is between Shepard and I. I know she’d want to see me.” A light blue twinge building around his hands when he spoke.

“I know for a fact that she doesn’t. After the shit you pulled back on Horizon…” Biting his tongue, he stopped again. He knew she wouldn’t want to see Kaidan, not yet anyway. But he also knew that she wouldn’t like it if he had hurt him either. “Just trust me when I say, you’ve done enough damage. When— if ever— she wants to speak to you again, she will.” Standing tall he glare down at Kaidan fiercely. 

Kaidan glowed a bright blue-white as his chest heave up and down, ready to send Garrus flying. Only instead of hurting him, he simply shoved Garrus forward walking the way he came. It took a lot of control on Garrus’ part not to go after him… He really had been slipping lately hadn’t he? He thought that having Shepard back would help him. Help him find the man he was with her, but anytime she tried to be close to him he'd push. Each day that passed seemed more likely that that man was gone. That man was just a shadow blurring amongst the darkness of his life. Instead of helping, having her back seemed to only remind him how badly he had failed her.

“Vakarian, hello- Do you copy? We have a problem here. I need Bailey and C-Sec down here stat.” Hearing her in his ear accompanied by static, he wondered how long he had been standing there as she try to grab his attention. 

Switching his visor to view her stats, he could see she had an elevated heart rate, spikes in adrenaline— She needed back up. She needed him. "I'm coming, Shepard. Be careful."

“There you are. You sleeping on the job again?" Her breath was airy and rushed from running. "I’m sending you our location. Please hurry.” 

“You got it.” He was already running back towards Captain Bailey as he replied.

Garrus, the Captain and a few officers were en route to Shepard, hoping they wouldn’t be too late. Watching her vitals tick by let him know she was alright, that she was safe. At least for now. Feeling that gut reaction to protect her engulf him, he ran as fast as he could making it to the apartment before any of the other officers. He busted in to find Shepard held up, gun pointed high at Kolyat with Thane close to her side, no weapon in hand. 

“What are you even doing here?” Kolyat spat holding a gun on the frightened turian. “You want to care now? Be a father now? It’s a little late for that.” 

“Listen to me… Your father is ill. He doesn’t have much time left.” Shepard lowered her gun to her hip, relaxing her eyes. Garrus had see her do this many times, charming her way out of any dangerous situation. It was incredible the skill she had at defusing a situation, he had only seen it fail once… 

For a moment as Garrus watched her approach hands raised in sympathy, he thought back to that day on Virmire. He could still see it all perfectly like it just happened yesterday. That day when Saren held her high in the air, squeezing the life from her body. Watching as she pulled at the taloned hand that constricted tightly around her pale neck. Watching as she desperately gasped for air... The way her hands fell as he watched her dying before him unable to do anything. He remembered the smell of her blood from where Saren's claws had torn into her. He remembered it all and as much as he trusted that she knew what she was doing, he didn't trust this drell.

“Oh, wonderful. You’re dying so now you’ve come to make amends to feel better about yourself? Well guess what, dad… I don’t care.” The gun was still firmly pressed to the politicians head, but he was now shaking profusely.

“No… I’m here for you, Kolyat. I know that I have not always been the best father. I have made mistakes. I left you when you needed me. But I don’t want you to go through life this way. Resenting everything and everyone. Making all of the mistakes I did.” Thane stepped closer, arms locked behind his back, but not before looking to Shepard. 

There it was again. There was something about that look… something intimate. Special. Garrus didn’t like how it made him feel. But he also just wanted Shepard to be happy. He didn’t know how to process any of the emotions he was feeling... He had never done this before, whatever this was. Returning to the present he wondered what eyes Shepard had been wearing. Had something really been going on between them this whole time… Had he really shoved the only woman he ever loved straight into the arms of another man?

“What mistakes… What are yo-“ Kolyat began lowering the gun, his face grew softer. 

“Your mother was murdered, Kolyat. I spent those years away from you because I was hunting the men responsible. I had to make them pay… I know this may be hard to understand, but I thought it was the best thing for you and for her…I realize now, that it was not. I have burdened you with a weight I cannot lift. But I am here now. And I will not watch my only son follow the same path of darkness that I did.” He was standing only a few feet from his son now. Kolyat raised the gun on his face, holding it tightly, shaking as he imagined pulling the trigger.

Kolyat lowered the gun slowly, as his face grew softer. Saddened, pained, full of anger and regret… “Go.” 

As soon as the turian noticed what was happening, he shot up running towards the door not breathing a word. A few of the officers followed behind him to escort him to safety and debrief him properly. All eyes moved back to the two drell standing in the apartment. They sure had a lot to catch up on didn’t they… Shepard turned to Captain Bailey with a pure smile, pleased to see things working out.

“Lets get them some place to talk shall we? We can figure out the details later…” The captain smiled back at her, and she wondered why he was helping them.

Even if he hadn’t been willing, she probably could have used her Spectre status to sway the system- as much as she hated the idea, she’d have done it for a friend. Luckily she wouldn’t need to though. Bailey decided to trust Shepard’s judgment, and let Kolyat go with a punishment of community service. Very light for attempted murder she realized, but she was glad to see a happy ending for once. 

Standing with Garrus they watched Thane and his son walk away, but not before he turned to her, pulling her into a tight embrace. She smiled hugging him back warmly. It sure felt great being able to help with his family. Knowing she was asking all of them to risk their lives for the greater good was hard. She wanted to do everything she could to help them all feel satisfied. She didn’t want them to die with any regrets, the way she had. She couldn’t help feeling a little strange though. It felt weird to have someone else's arms around her. Thinking about Garrus, she wondered if she’d ever have the quads to tell him how she really felt. 

Waiting quietly with him by the skycars for Thane, she couldn't help but feel the aberrant air surrounding them. She had been able to feel something around them since the other night… But now somehow it seemed worse. Somehow, they seemed worse. She hadn’t failed to see the signs of him pushing her away these last couple weeks. Having used most of those excuses herself in the past when she was hurting, she knew them all. But she had to believe that whatever he was going through he would share when he was ready. If he needed to be alone, then she would give him space. If he needed to go through losing this squad alone… Then she would stay back and let him. But… he would eventually be ready to open up to her wouldn’t he? This distance would eventually stop spreading like an infectious disease wouldn't it?

“I saw Kaidan.” Garrus finally spoke pulling her forcefully from contemplation. Quick and easy— he didn’t even turn to face her. 

“What? Here? What… did he want.” Crossing her arms self consciously, her voice grew anxious as she eyed him. His body language was stiff. Turians may have been hard for her to read, but she had become an expert at reading this one. She knew something was wrong. 

“You. Like usual.” He wasn’t sure why, but he was being short. Argumentative. Cold. Maybe he did know why, but that didn’t excuse his behavior and that he did know. “Thane seems thankful for your help…"

"Uhm-Ye-yeah. I suppose he i-" She stumbled trying to make sense of his tone, and abrupt changes in conversation. Stumbling to understand where this was going.

"You deserve to be happy, Commander.” Garrus noticed her stats going wild on his visor as he spoke, still not looking at her.

“ _'Commander'_?” Stepping in front of him she made a face, shaking her head in disarray.

_What the hell is happening… Who deserves to be happy? Me? Kaidan? Thane?_

Jane had no idea how to process the string of information piling in her mind. Garrus was clearly upset, but about what? First things first, he mentioned seeing Kaidan. About him wanting her... Great. Kaidan must have said something. But then there was part about Thane being thankful for her help. Well yeah. Usually when you do favors for your friend they're generally pretty happy about it. 

Oh god, did he think something was happening between them? She had been spending a lot of time with Thane, but she felt nothing for him beyond friendship. She could tell that he had feelings for her, but she didn't want that. Not with him. The worst part of it all though was the way he said ‘Commander’ like he hadn’t been sharing a bed with her for the last five weeks. Like the hadn't saved the galaxy together. Like they weren’t best friends. Like she was just his boss, and nothing else. Just some human Spectre.

“I just thought that maybe you’d like to keep things more professional between us from now on. Now that you’re so close to Thane—” He wouldn’t look at her as he spoke. 

He couldn’t. Not when he was saying these things, but why was he saying them? Again he found his unstable mind reacting inappropriately. He was letting jealousy get the better of him. All of his pushing was leading up to this. To the moment he gave up. He was heartbroken and decided it would be better to completely shut her out, to close the door and lock it than to see this through. End things now, before he could ruin her. Even though he didn’t want to. Even though he wanted her. 

“What the fuck?” Her voice was shaking as she stepped closer to him forcing him to finally look at her. 

Garrus noticed the shade of pink her cheeks were growing, seeing her heart rate rising in his visor. “I think you should know that you two are great together.” With his mandibles pulled tightly, he looked her straight in the eyes.

“Are you… There's not-“ She shook her head stammering to find what to say next. Garrus confusing her stammering as a confession, instead of a heartbreak... “W-wh… I thought that w— You want me to be… with Thane?” 

“Honest. Theres no one I’d rather see you with.” The look she returned hit him like a shotgun to the chest. He watched as that porcelain face lost all emotion, growing paler than he had seen it before. Paler even than Virmire. He watched that beautiful full mouth of hers drop open, the smallest of quivers shaking off her lip. Those big malachite eyes of hers growing wide, fulling with tears she wouldn’t let escape. The second he spoke, he regretted it. What the hell was wrong with him? 

Why did he always have to do this? He was in love with her. So damn in love with her… But he was blinded by what the last two years had done to him. Blinded by the guilt of letting her die. Blinded by the pain he felt from losing this squad. Blinded by the betrayal he felt from Sidonis. So he did the only thing he knew how, he exploded. He was destroying the only meaningful relationship he had ever had, because he was emotionally unstable. A hothead. An impulsive little brat like Kaidan always said he was… Speaking before thinking. Acting before planning. Giving up, and running away. 

Once those words left his mouth, he wished they hadn’t. He spoke impetuously and he wanted to go back. “Jane…” He started stepping closer to her, extending a hand towards her face. His eyes full of regret. But before he could reach her she stepped back, quickly wiping below her eye removing any evidence of weakness.

“I’ll see you on board the Normandy, Soldier.” She stiffened as she turned leaving him standing alone in silence. 

He watched her walking away, everything inside him told him to go after her. To tell her how stupid he was acting. That he was just being a jealous child that had lost it's mind on Omega. That he was tired, overwhelmed… Not only by his feelings for her, but for his feelings about himself. He knew how incredible she was. She deserved the best. She deserved someone that wouldn't let vengeance and revenge rule him. She should be with someone that had self control… discipline… someone like Thane. 

 

———————————————————————————————

 

As she walked quickly away from Garrus, she felt each step becoming harder than the last. The heaviness getting worse, pound by pound it was sinking her. What the hell was that about? One second they were fine, making jokes… basically living together. Then the next second he’s throwing her to the side, insisting she should be with another man. Was it because of her? Had he finally seen her as the monster she feared she had become? Crossing her arms as she walk swiftly, having no destination in mind she felt her eyes growing warm as they started to burn. She bit her lip, tasting that cool metallic again. She really needed to break that habit. Darting a tongue out, she removed the evidence of pain as she wiped her eyes dry. Why was it anytime anything bad happened she wanted to get hammered? 

The Dark Star was a much different club than Chora’s Den had been… Classier I guess you could say. Watching the patrons dancing around her she made her way to the bar ordering a drink. The booming of the techno blaring in her ears, she couldn't help but remember that night with Garrus. Knocking back a whiskey, she forced the thought away. 

_He doesn’t want you._

Leaning over the bar, she suddenly felt numb. Love sure did suck didn’t it? I guess more specifically, unrequited love was what sucked. Bad. She couldn’t imagine being with someone who wanted her back to be all bad though… As she sipped her second whiskey she thought about her early relationships. The men and women she tried to be with, none of them lasting-because none of them could handle her. None of them wanted the whole package. She never let them change her, but each time they picked through the parts of her they loved, only seeing what they wanted. Picking and choosing until there was nothing of the real Jane left. Until she was just a perfectly sculpted trophy to show off. Their idea of who Commander Shepard was vs who she really is never lived up to the expectations. Shepard had never felt that way with Garrus… He had always supported her. Cared for her. Stood by her. He was fiercely loyal and he always fought for her. But then again, they were never together. Not really.

As she drink, she wondered if maybe again about that pretty turian he probably had waiting for him back on Omega. How that be why he would never kiss her all those times it seemed he wanted to. Or perhaps she had just been reading those moments wrong all along. Projecting what she wanted. She had been getting a lot of things wrong since being bought back. Well, nothing having to do with the mission. Gold star in that department. Everything else in her life however was a complete fucking mess. If you’d have told her how hard it would be to get her life back after two years of being dead, she had seriously considered, well—not dying. 

_Where did it go wrong? Where did I go wrong?_

Thinking back to every time she tried a relationship with someone— she could remember the exact moment it all fell apart. Each time she told them she was done because she couldn't be what they wanted. Because she didn’t want to be what they wanted. She was Jane fucking Shepard, and what you see is what you get… If they didn’t want the whole package, they didn’t get any of it. That her ‘baggage' was there to stay, if they didn’t have the room for it, she’d gladly open the door for them. Giving them an easy out was her way of telling them that she understood. That she knew she was easy to infatuate over, but hard to actually love. Even though she never had the chance to truly be with Garrus, she knew she’d always remember this as the moment it broke. The exact moment she lost him. The moment he had given up on her. The moment she had given up on them. 

_‘I think you two would be great together… There is no one I’d rather see you with.’_

The idea that he would rather see her with Thane than anyone else made her feel sick. For a second she thought she wouldn’t be able to hold the liquor down. Replaying his words over and over she couldn’t really understand them. He clearly thought she was involved with Thane, and she knew that lately they'd been spending a lot of time down in Life Support, but he seemed like he needed a friend. Maybe she found herself a little attracted to him, but who wasn't on that ship. That wasn’t what mattered to her though, what mattered was Garrus. Looking back it seemed far more likely that she had been involved with him than Thane... 

She thought about how even though he’d still slept by her each night, any time she’d visit he would ask if it could wait for a bit— making up some excuse about being in the middle of calibrating. She had heard that one before. He had used that one back on the SR1 after they…

Suppressing the sickness that build in her stomach again, she ordered another drink. This one she didn’t take her time with, she swallowed it whole in seconds. Three double whiskeys in a matter of minutes went straight to her head. Especially with her fragile mental state… On top of everything else she really was getting bad at holding her liquor. Bad at controlling her emotions… The only thing she seemed good at now a days was being a soldier. It was a wonder she was so damn successful in the Alliance honestly. For having such a messed up life and a spotty history she had always been an excellent leader. Skilled at combat, and too charming for her own good. And all things considered she was fairly unscathed from the things that happened to her. The things that beat her, made her stronger. 

One day she’d look back on her death and all this mess as a time she learned to be strong again. She knew that she’d get it back. One day she would have some wise advice to pass on about the lessons in life and love. But now, she was ready to drink. Right now she wanted to suffer. As she thought about it more, her dedication to her career— to the Alliance was probably what had doomed her to fail at even the simple things in life. Maybe you just couldn’t be in a relationship and be the kind of woman she was. Grossly independent but somehow exceptionally needy. Strong willed, determined and destined to be alone. Destined to hold the world together, when she couldn't even keep her own life straight.

Following ‘suggestions’ as the Illusive Man would put it, she was good at. A suggestion to herself being that she should slow it down a bit, if she kept thinking like this she would end up drinking herself to death. Circling the room as she swirl the amber liquid in her glass, she took in the faces around her until she recognized one. It was human named Damien. She had met him back at basic training… They had— well, let’s just say he was one of the reasons she had been written up for fraternizing. But here he was sitting at a table alone staring directly at her. Noticing his gaze, she wondered if she should approach him. Did he remember her? Would he even recognize her? 

The smile he gave proved he hadn’t forgotten about her. It was accompanied by a wave signaling her to join him. She felt a small gut reaction to decline the offer, but shoved it down as she began walking closer. Standing behind the empty chair, she look down at the old familiar face. He was just as handsome as he had been, only now sporting a large scar on his cheek. Maybe Garrus had been right about the scar thing… Letting out a quiet sigh she pulled the chair out joining him. 

“I didn’t expect to see you here.” She finally spoke after taking a large drink from her glass. 

“You’re the one that’s surprised?” He laughed offering a friendly smile. “Hey, I’m not the one that died. You know they built you a memorial on Mindoir and everything… Our old instructor even held a small service for you back at Fort Nathaniel.“ Damien spoke pointedly, watching her closely. A look of nostalgia slipped across his face followed by something else… What was that look about?

“That’s fair.” Licking her lips, she wondered what they could even talk about. The last time she’d seen him had been at least eight years ago. The last time she’d seen him… they weren’t exactly decent. They actually never really had spent much being decent now that she thought about it. “So… How’s life been treating you?” 

“Well, I’m not a famous hero or anything, but I’ve been doing alright for myself.” Damien finished his beer, waving down the asari waitress. “Can I get another? And whatever she’s having.” 

“Oh, no. I’m go-“ Shepard tried to protest, but he just shook it off looking back to the waitress ordering another whiskey. “I’m assuming that's still your drink of choice?” He smiled again cooly as the asari made her way to the bar. 

“Usually.” Watching as he looked off behind her, finishing her drink. 

She took this time to study him. He was in a nice suit, and she could see he was wearing an earpiece. Just what did he do now? Moments later the waitress returned, and she watched her thin blue fingers placing their drinks in front of them respectively. 

“Cheers.” Damien raised his beer in a toast with a large smile.

"To what?" Jane asked with a small curious smile as she raised the glass.

"To you of course, Jane." He finished still holding the beer out to her.

After a moment she met her glass with his with a ceremonious clanking, she then took a large drink. She wasn’t sure why, but something told her she had enough for one night. She should just go back to the Normandy and try to make nice with Garrus… She noticed Damien's eyes watching her as she once again pushed the thought away, sipping her whiskey. She could deal with that mess later, now she was going to catch up with an old friend...

“What have you been doing? Anything int… interesting” Smiling as she finished off her glass then setting it lightly on the table. 

The sooner she finished it, the sooner she could get out of there, right? Only… something didn’t feel right. No, she was fine… She had just been drinking a lot, and when was the last time she even ate? That must be it. 

_No… This isn’t right. You’ve been drunk before._

Within seconds of releasing her hand from the glass she even more surreal. She felt her heart begin racing as her stomach grew light. She felt weightless and heavy at the same time- something was very wrong. 

Blinking a few times she pulled a weak hand to her face, rubbing it forcefully. “What…” 

Looking up from her other hand to her old friend, she watched as the sinister smile he wore blurred. Slowly closing and opening her eyes, the figure smeared into a muddy mess, twisting into a hazy puddle of colors as she sway lightly in place. Trying to remain in control of her body, of her voice. “What di-… wh… did youdot-t-tome.” Her words were jammed together, become one. She could no longer differentiate the sounds of the club from the ones swimming in her head. Everything was growing dark, shadows seeping into her vision like murky water. Reaching a hand out towards Damien, it fell heavily on the table grasping at nothing. Trying to reach him… to stay awake… She blinked back the sleep that called her. Weak arms sliding closer to him… to anything. 

“Now, now Janey. You didn't think she’d let you get away with that now did you?” Damien’s voice was dark and malevolent when he spoke this time. 

Not only that but it was distorted by whatever she had been given. His voice sounded like it had been echoing in a tunnel around her. Deep, contorted, booming. Whatever was in her system, was really messing with her head. She tried looking up at him, but her face was too heavy to lift… pressed to the table she caught the smile he wore. Trying to turn towards the footsteps she heard approaching, she focused on everything she could about this moment. Anything to help her out of this mess. But all she saw was darkness, and a figure... a figure she couldn't be seeing... Fading in and out in those last moments before losing consciousness, she tried pulling up her omni-tool… tried sending a message. Did it work?

“Garrus… Please…” She breathed out heavily slipping into darkness.


	13. If you wrong me shall I not Revenge?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little late but I hope you enjoy it! This chapter is a little different than the rest, lots of original backstory stuff! :D

Garrus stood in the same spot Shepard had left him unable to return to the Normandy. Thane had already come and gone, and made his way back to the ship without him. It had almost been an hour since she left him there. Since he opened his mouth shattering all they had in an instant. Since she had given him that look… How could he be so foolish? Regret filled him at the realization that he chased off his only true friend. A woman he admired, respected and loved more than anyone else in this damn place… 

_Love_ , he had thought. When did it turn to that? Or had it always been that way... If he did love her though, how had it been so easy for him talk to her like that? Part of him wanted to blame it on Thane, but he knew that it wasn't his fault either. The only one to blame was himself. He knew that his pain overshadowed everything else he felt and that it clouded his judgment beyond recognition. During those two years without Shepard, he learned just how tenacious grief and regret were. When you saw that many things go wrong, it was hard to be optimistic. Not only that, but the way he felt about her terrified him. 

It was overwhelming how much he cared for her and how badly he wanted her. Garrus was so scared that he'd rather run than face those feelings. He'd rather run than face her. It wasn't her fault and he really did know that. Feeling culpable as he stood there reciting the words he said to her over and over in his mind, he began to wonder if they could ever fix this. Would she forgive him for being such an annoying insufferable coward? 

_She’s your best friend. Just… go after her. Tell her you’re sorry. Make this right, Vakarian._

“Damn it.” Garrus growled balling his hands into tight fists, turning swiftly he pounded them onto a parked skycar. The impact sending a loud clash around him pulling all eyes toward the noise. He breathe heavily in place trying to remain in control and after a moment he relaxed just a bit as he raised a hand to his visor opening a line to her. “Shepard? Are you there?”

Silence.

“Shepard… I… I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to talk to me right now. Hell, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either. But… I’m sorry. I didn’t— " Looking down he shook his head slowly, releasing a sigh before he continued. "Come back to me.”

Silence.

In that moments to follow he could feel something was off. Scanning the area as his breath quickened, he could hear a voice deep inside warning that none of this was right. Even if she were still upset with him- which she should be, she’d have said something. Turning around hastily he switched his visor to her stats, feeling slightly reassured by the steady trickle of numbers zooming by his left eye, he knew she was alive. But those numbers also told him his gut feeling was correct. Her heart rate was slow… abnormally slow. 

“Jane. Are you okay?” Feeling the urgency rising in his voice as paged through to their private line again, he begged the spirits to please let her say something, anything. “Jane? Jane!” Kicking the skycar as he yell her name, he leaned over forcefully paying no attention to the scoffs he was receiving from onlookers. Switching to his direct connection to the Normandy, he spoke to their pilot. “Joker. Have you heard from Shepard?” He failed at hiding the concern that rose beneath his chest through to his subvocal's. Noticing how heavy his chest was growing with each hurried word.

“Hello to you too, Garrus. I’m just wonderful, and how are you doing this fine evening?” Joker’s voice was sly and light as usual, he clearly hadn't picked up in the urgency Garrus radiated.

“Listen, this is serious. I can’t get ahold of Shepard… I think… I think somethings wrong.” Feeling the grumble of nerves bubbling hotter as he paced back and forth growing more anxious with each heavy footstep.

“Wait… Seriously?” Joker shifted from his usual boyish tone to one much deeper and more serious in a matter of seconds.

“Damn it, Joker. Will you focus for five seconds and try to locate her? I’ve got a bad feeling about this. Something isn’t right I can feel it. She’s not responding to me…” His voice trailed off once again remembering his words to her.

After a few moments of silence Joker came through again. “Garrus… I… I can’t get a read on her. I've got EDI running some scans on the area. Did something ha… is everything aright?” Joker’s voice shifted further, as if he could sense what Garrus was feeling and had finally grasped the seriousness of the situation.

“No. I don’t think it is. Find her, Jeff.” With that he closed the line and began walking towards the area he last saw her headed. Thinking on the last hour, he found that fear hard to control. He was scared that he may never see her again. That he may never be able to tell her how sorry he was… How unreasonable he was being. How much she meant to him… 

_No. Don't think like that. You can't afford to think this way with Shepard missing. Focus. She needs you. Now, where would she have gone?_

To the bar. Of course she would need a drink after the last couple days. With his destination in mind he made his way toward the Dark Star sure that's where she'd be. She would be inside sitting at the bar, drinking her double whiskey. He would walk in and he'd see that beautiful crimson head of hair waiting for his shitty apology patiently. By now she’d sure be drunk. She would be mad at him too, but she would be there… Finding himself running towards the bar afraid that he would be wrong. That once he made it he wouldn’t see her. When he entered the club moments later and scanned the room for her his fears were confirmed. He couldn’t see her anywhere. He couldn’t even smell her, only the slight hint of lavender spread around him tickling his nose and promising she had been there, but was long gone. Holding his face stern, smooth and serious he approached the bartender ready to find out just exactly what had happened.

“Did you see a human about this tall,” Holding a long taloned hand to his chest to gesture her height, he continued. “with red hair? She was in black N7 armor, probably ordered a double whiskey. You couldn’t have missed her.” 

The turian slid his eyes to Garrus as his mandibles pulled in closer, setting the glass he had been cleaning down and placing his hands on the bar inching closer to him. “Why?”

“You’re asking me why? Because I’m looking for her damnit. Now tell me what you saw before I make you tell me.” Garrus was standing tall, ardently and strong, each of his words left his lips as a growl challenging the turian before him.

After a moment the bartender sighed deeply as he raised a hand to his fringe and shifted his weight nervously. He looked Garrus directly in the eyes before proceeding with caution in his voice. “She was here, but she’s gone. I don’t think you’ll be seeing your human again.” 

Before Garrus knew what he was doing he had grabbed the bartender by the cowl pulling him forward forcefully with an agitated jerk. Shaking him strenuously as his own raspy subvocal’s hummed aggressively. “What the hell is that supposed to mean. What did you see? Where is she?”

“She’s gone.” The turian said flatly allowing himself to sway limply in Garrus’ arms. The bartender outstretched a three fingered hand to the side, dismissing the bouncer with a slight flicker of his talons.

“Where is she?” Garrus asked again shaking him harder this time, hearing the clanking of the glasses as he pulled the turian closer growling only inches from his face. Each word louder and more intimidating than the last. 

“I don’t know what to tell you… They took her. She… she’s gone.” The turians voice was soft, quiet and almost remorseful as he spoke this time. He knew more than he was saying, Garrus could tell. 

“Who took her?” Each of his words grew louder as he spoke them, shake the bartender aggressively as if that would help the situation. The turian only held an arm outstretched keeping security at bay. Why he was allowing this to go on, Garrus didn’t know. But with no one to stop him, he only continued shaking what little information out of him he could. 

“I… don’t exactly know.” The bartender’s eyes grew soft as he raised a long hand to the one wrapped around his cowl, holding it there lightly.

“Bullshit. Talk or I swear to Spirits I will rip your goddamn throat out.” Garrus meant it. With the amount of anger he felt lately, he was surprised he hadn’t done it already. 

“You’re already too late.” The turians voice wasn't menacing or threatening, but rueful and apologetic. 

Something about the silent look in the turians eyes, and the undertones of his voice spoke volumes. He wasn't sure what it was, but he could tell that he meant what he said. Garrus wouldn’t believe it though, he knew she would be okay. She was always going to be okay... right? Feeling that anger building like a pressure pressing from inside his plates, he struggled again with composure. Why the hell did he had to be so damn dramatic and send her off like that? Now she was missing. Now she was alone. Now she didn’t have him… He sent her away and now he may never see her again. 

_No. Don’t think like that. She’s alive still, you can see it right there on your visor. She’s okay. You can fix this._

“I won’t ask you again.” Garrus shook him harder, noticing the bouncers inching closer in his peripheral as they begin ignoring the bartenders dismissal. Noticing the patrons eyes watching as he grew more and more unstable at the thoughts running through his mind.

“I can't tell you. She'll kill me… But if you want to find your human, I suggest starting at the Merchant Docking Bay, east end.” The turian finished as Garrus pushed back forcefully releasing him from his grip, and sending him flying into the row of bottles behind him. Turning to leave at a brisk pace, he heard as they slid from the shelves to the ground in a loud clash behind him.

Garrus walk hastily towards the skycars. The turian hadn't given him much to go on, but at least he had somewhere to start. If he got himself arrested he wouldn't be able to find her, and he felt his time running out in the Dark Star. Watching Shepard's stats slowly trickling by warned that he may not be the only one running out of time. What he did know was that Shepard had been captured, there was no denying that. Clearly the turian knew something, but he was too scared to speak up. But who took her? And why? 

“Joker, do you copy. Shepard’s been taken. I'm doing what I can... Anything on your end?” 

“Negative... EDI is still scanning." Joker spoke with light disappointment in his voice.

"Damnit!" Garrus growled back over comm realizing how little he had to go off of. If EDI couldn’t find her, how would he be able to? 

"Hey. It's gonna be aright. Be careful, Garrus.” Joker’s voice wasn’t comforting, but Garrus knew he was trying. 

Whether Joker had been going for comforting or not, his absence of humor only managed to make the situation even more real to Garrus. For a split second he gave in and let himself think about the unknowns. The possibility that he may not be able to find her. That whoever took her was going to win. That he'd lose her again... Pushing the thought away he instead focused on what he did know. If the Normandy couldn't locate her, it meant that whoever ‘they’ were must have removed her omni-tool and her tracker… One thing he knew for sure was that whoever ‘they’ were or whatever they were planning... they weren’t going to give Shepard back. 

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

She is 16 again. She's tall, and thin with long rouge hair running down to her back and a large scar across her left eyebrow. It had been a lot worse a few months ago… But now it had mostly healed. She had mostly healed. Well, besides the nightmares, and the insomnia. Oh, and the survivors guilt. She’s living on Olor with Juliet. Juliet was the first person she met when arriving to the slummy planet after Mindoir. The two spent their time running around the dirty city getting themselves in and out of trouble as teenagers should. But trouble wasn’t the only thing that mattered to the girls. They didn't just want to survive on the dingy streets, they wanted to live... to really live. They wanted a future outside of odd jobs, thieving or panhandling. 

Jane didn't like how stealing felt, but she'd do it if she had to. She did anything she had to to survive. Not only that but it surprised her how good she was at it. It may not have been easy for her at first, but after a few weeks it got easier. Life got easier, and it seemed possible for a life outside of the shitstom they were in. It wasn’t until after she met Juliet though that her life really had meaning again. She found herself attached to Juliet immediately, and as she grew to know her, she felt a strong and meaningful connection growing. Finally she had someone to depend on, and to depend on her. Someone that made surviving easier and that made life worth living. She had someone to fight for. Someone to love. Instead of just fighting to survive she was fighting for someone else. 

She may have been comfortable now, but before Juliet life on Olor was hard. Once she decided to leave her childhood home it became apparent that she may have been ready to leave that life behind, but she sure as hell wasn't ready for the reality of the life she’d be forced to live. It didn't take long for Jane to regret it. Every day that passed she wished she had joined Anderson. Whatever militant Alliance compound he had in mind would sure have been better than this hell hole. Even that first night she slept outside, clutching her bag tightly to her chest as she cry herself to sleep... she regretted it. Realizing she hadn’t brought nearly enough food or credits to survive, she wish she hadn't said no. Every night when she shivered from the cold, she wished she could just go back in time. That she could go back and beg him to take her. 

What had she been thinking? At the time, she really hadn't been. She wasn’t ready to bury the bodies of her family members and she wasn't ready to forget them. That’s the thing, when you go through a trauma like that you aren’t thinking... What they don't tell you is that you don't think for awhile after either. Everything's cloudy and skewed. All she could think about then were her dead parents, and the bastards who took them from her. There were some good days though, and on those days she'd remember the sweet simple life of a colony kid. Knowing just how lucky and privileged living in a bubble was. Only, that privilege doesn’t exactly prepare you for when that bubble bursts and you’re expected to survive without it. Or that all luck runs out eventually.

Today was one of those good days. She and Juliet were leisurely making their way through the shantytown towards their little piece of paradise. A place they called home hidden among the madness. Along the paths they took, Jane felt the same sadness she felt so many times as they pass dozens of poor humans leaning or sitting, begging for change and attempting to sell things from makeshift shops.

“God damn, he was cute.” Juliet spoke as she look off in the distance ignoring the litter filled streets surrounding them, pulling Jane from her thoughts abruptly.

“Ha! Jules, please. I saw him first.” Jane spoke soft with youthful joy as she skipped over piles of smoking trash lining the dirt ground beneath her thin shoes. Thinking on the 'he' in question, he really was quite handsome...

“Back off! We have a connection. It's deep... and... deep.” Juliet smiled wide after a long charming laugh, wrapping her arm around Jane’s pulling her in close. 

Jane felt her stomach drop and erupt in butterflies as it did anytime Juliet showed her affection. The distraction of a... friend was one of the only things powerful enough to deter from the lack of control of the city. Well, there was control on Olor, just not the kind you usually wanted to be involved with.

“Oh do you now? You developed this 'deep' connection in the what… 5 minutes we were talking to him?” Jane smiled back after a soft chuckle, hiding the pink that bloomed on her freckled cheeks. She nudged Juliet as they walk happily through the dim, dirty roads pushing their way through a narrow passage between a few run down buildings. Making their way cautiously to the basement level of one, they stepped over grime, old furniture and trash alike; Until they reached a small tunnel on the lower level hidden behind a large wooden plank.

Lifting the board to the side, Juliet continued. “Do you think he’ll be there again tomorrow?” Kneeling down she entered the tunnel. 

Jane shook her head quietly as she lowered to all fours and began crawling behind Juliet. Being sure to pull the board over their entrance before proceeding she let out a laugh. “Jeez, Jules… You in love already?" She called teasing, but also a little intimidated by the possibilities. "Can you hurry, my knees hurt. Can we move already?” 

Juliet laughed as she slowed down teasing Jane from a few feet ahead. “Fat chance. I love this hell hole, Janey. You know that.”

 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Garrus is running towards the Merchant area of the Docking Bay. He’s running so fast that he can barely hear anything around him besides the wind rushing past his ears rustling inside his skull. He could barely see anything aside from Shepard’s vitals tickling slowly along side his left eye, promising she was still alive, but also that she wasn’t alright. Barely even able to hear his name coming softly into focus behind him. Unable to concentrate on anything except reaching her. If he managed to let her down twice in one lifetime, he wouldn’t be able to live with himself. 

“Garrus! Will you stop running already?” Kaidan yelled winded as he grabbed the back of Garrus’ armor in attempts to stop him, causing them both to stumble forward awkwardly.

“What the hell do you want, Kaidan? I’m busy right now.” Garrus growled shoving the hand away as he started jogging forward again. 

“You’re looking for Shepard, right?” He hadn’t followed, he just stood where they met breathing heavily in place, knowing that would be enough to draw Garrus' attention. 

Garrus stopped, feeling his heart plummet again. Slowly he turned around to face Kaidan, his chest heaving up and down with each breath. He walked towards the biotic in a brisk pace with a taloned hand outstretched towards him. “What the hell do you know, Alenko?” Stopping only inches from his face he breathed down at him, mandibles clenched tightly in an almost unchecked rage.

“I saw them take her. She's on a frigate called Rosalind. They grabbed her at the bar-“

“Wait a damn minute. You saw her? You let someone take her? What the hell are you doing standing here telling m-“ Garrus’ subvocal’s were roaring in a deep throaty purr and each word he spoke was louder than the last. 

“Garrus will you calm down for a second to listen to me? If we don’t hurry she will be gone for good. I… got a tracker on her. If we stop wasting time we can find her.” Kaidan looked to his omni-tool then back to Garrus who still huffed and puffed above him. “Do you want to save her this time or not?”

Garrus didn’t speak, he couldn't. He knew exactly what Kaidan was on about, but now wasn't the time to address it. What he wanted to know was how had Kaidan been able to place a tracker on her in the first place? How couldn't he have seen what happened and just let her go undisturbed. Now wasn't the time, so instead of questioning he let out a long sigh as he nodded, softening his facial plates slightly. With a light point forward he signaled Kaidan to lead the way. There would be time to find out the details soon enough, now he had to focus on Shepard. As annoying as it was that Kaidan had been there again when he hadn’t, he knew this was his best bet. If the SSV Rosalind took Shepard out of tracking range... Well, he could think about that later. For now they had a plan, and it was better than Garrus’ had been.

“Based off of this,” Kaidan yelled over his shoulder raising his left arm in a bright orange hue. “they’re likely headed towards the relay… They only got her about ten minutes ago. But if we don’t hurry we’re going to lose her.” 

“I won't lose her again.” Garrus voice was gravely and stern as he raised a hand to his ear paging Joker again running briskly towards the SR2. “Joker. Prep the Normandy for immediate departure, I think I have a way to find her. The range isn't long on these things... We have to hurry.”

“I’ve been ready since you first called, Garrus. Who do you take me for? EDI is ready once you tell us what we’re looking for.” Joker spoke calm and smoothly, but Garrus could tell he was a little worried. 

When it came to Shepard, everyone got more than a little worried. She may have been brought back from the dead but they all knew she wasn’t invincible. She was still human, despite what her upgrades made her feel like. She could still be hurt, and she could still be killed. Garrus forced the thoughts of finding her too late away as he pushed past the burning in his muscles with each long stride toward their starship. After what seemed like an eternity they reached the Normandy and the two of them ran towards the cockpit. Joker was sitting in his chair facing them, but upon their entrance he swiveled around and began the start up commands. 

“Where are we headed?” Joker asked as he click away at the orange hologram before him, then speaking quietly to Ground Control on a private line. 

“I have a tracker on Shepard…" Kaidan noticed the look Joker sent Garrus, but continued unfazed. "But we just lost contact with it. If we get close enough we should be able to pick it up again. The SSV Rosalind, it’s a huma-“ Kaidan was interrupted by EDI as she lit up in a bright blue ball beside them. In slight surprise at the presence of an AI on board he felt the light pull of the Normandy departing the Citadel. Cautiously he scanned the faces of those around him allowing the AI to speak.

“Scanning the area.” EDI’s cool electronic voice echoed, and the Normandy made its way toward the mass relay. They would have no more than two hours before the ship went through the relay. If that happened they’d have no way to track her. No way to find her. Less then that if you factor in how much time ahead of the Normandy they already were… “Scans of the area do not pick up any readings of the SSV Rosalind.” EDI’s modulated voice was soothing, but only a little distracting from the disappointing news she brought. 

“Damnit, what’s the point of this damn thing if it can’t even do what we need it to? Shepard is in danger. We have to find that damn ship, Joker!” Garrus began pacing the cockpit radiating anger like a fire, holding his mandibles closely to his face.

“I assure you, Mr. Vakarian, my systems do have a _point_ as you put it. The Illusive Man will not accept her removal from the Citadel. The Commander is essential to Cerberus and to stopping the Collectors. It is in humanities best interest that she survive. I will find Shepard.” EDI calmly replied back to him, lighting as the blue orb moved with each word. 

Kaidan just stood back observing the brief exchange of words. Watching the blue sphere light up as it spoke… Seeing the logos plastered on the walls, and on Joker’s uniform. Eating the words "essential to Cerberus" in a mouthful of shock. There was no denying that Shepard was working for them now, he had actually heard it with his own ears. The famous saint like Commander Shepard was working with terrorists now. She was a terrorist now then wasn’t she? 

Maybe… Regardless of who she worked for, she was still that woman who saved him from the beacon all those years ago on Eden Prime. She was still the woman who stopped Sovereign and Saren. She was still the woman he was in love with... wasn’t she?

The Normandy continue bits of FTL over the next several minutes scanning the space as they make their way towards the relay. Each of them desperately holding their breaths that the tracker would pop up revealing the Rosalind's location. The cockpit may have been quiet but their silence was louder than words could have been. The only noice was the sound of EDI’s scanning and the exasperated breaths of those forced to wait. Kaidan hadn’t spoke again since they entered, knowing he wasn’t welcome there. 

“What the hell happened?” Miranda broke the silence as she stormed in the already overcrowded cockpit. She walked straight to Garrus crossing her arms in front of her as she pursed her lips tightly staring up at him.

“Shepard… She went to the Dark Star and… I don’t really know what happened next. She was taken by someone.” Garrus’ voice was calm despite the obvious discomfort and anger on his face. 

“You let her be taken? What good are you if you can’t even watch her. Do you have any idea how important she is?” Miranda’s words were cold and calculated as usual, selected to belittle and assert dominance. 

Any other time Garrus would have pushed it off, let her go on as condescending as usual. Allowing her to pretend she had any amount of control. He had never been a huge fan of Miranda, but they got along fairly well most of the time. He did owe his life to her after all. He owed Shepard’s life to her… But in this moment he didn't care what she had done or who she had saved. In that moment he only cared about finding Shepard and he didn’t have time for her hierarchy bullshit.

“You don’t ‘let’ Shepard do anything, Miranda. She does what she wants. When are you Cerberus bastards going to get that? You know, I never understood how you humans could be so soft and feeble but have such thick dense skulls.” Straightening his back he broaden his shoulders as he stepped closer to her, growling down at her from over a foot above. With eyes filled with madness he inched closer, watching the slight change in her eyes from dominance to submission. 

“ _Excu-_ “ Miranda attempted to remain in control, knowing she was losing it she was interrupted again.

“I’m the only one on this damn ship that knows how important she is. You only want her because you think she can stop the Reapers. You think you can control her and use her as a puppet to do your will. You want a weapon.” Continuing to step closer, a coarseness slipping through his subvocal’s filling the air with a thickness between them. Each of his steps forcing her to inch further back until she stumbled into the right side controls in an uncharacteristically clumsy falter. 

“Now listen here-“ She tried again standing tall and straight as she struggled to remain in control of the ship. Of him. 

“No you listen, Miss Lawson. You may have spent the last two years rebuilding her, but believe me when I say you don’t know her. I know her.” Leaning in close the deep flanging in his voice surrounded her as she hit her head against the controls. Realizing just how terrifying turians could be. “And if you want her back so badly so she can finish your damn suicide mission, you can stand down, quit your insufferable bitching and let me find her. Because believe me when I say there is nothing in this entire galaxy that will keep me from doing that.” Not breaking eye contact with her, he had her cornered and weak. No one else in the room questioned him, and after a moment she looked away with a nod accepting it herself. “Now. If you’d like to take Lieutenant Alenko to your office to debrief him, that would be great.”

After a moment she cleared her throat and shook her hair with a hand nervously. “What is he doing here? The Illusive Man won’t like this.” She pulled her cheek between her teeth and began chewing it lightly as she eyed Kaidan assessing the situation, and the change in command.

“The Illusive Man doesn't have a choice.” Garrus finished pulling his gaze away from her. He felt her releasing a deep breath as he watched her vitals return to normal on his visor. Switching the screen back to Shepard’s, he let out a quiet sigh of relief that he could still read them. 

Miranda scoffed quietly as she walked to Kaidan, extending a hand forward signaling him to begin walking. Garrus watched as they left the cockpit and made their way past the Galaxy Map towards the elevator. Holding his arms tightly together in front of him, he stand stiffly behind Joker. The beeping from the scan, and the steady stream of stats were the only thing grounding him. At the same time they seemed to also make him more anxious. He could feel how close he was to losing it. How close he was to breaking… Knowing he was her only hope he forced himself to stay focused. 

“She’s gonna be okay. Don’t worry, Garrus. We’ll find her.” 

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

She has just turned 17. She's still with Juliet on Olor. It’s been a few months since they met Holden at the market, and since Juliet started bringing him around. A few months of him, and slowly things were changing. Little by little she watched as Juliet grew closer to him, until she was in her young heart's version of love. Little by little she found herself growing close to him as well... Noticing the way he'd stare at her sometimes when Juliet wasn’t looking. Jane was smart, she knew exactly what those looks meant. Especially when they came from someone like that. Someone like Holden. Someone over two years older, with far more experience in life than they had.

Jane was sitting in their little stone house, the walls and floor were lined with long thin planks of wood. Placed there by Juliet when she found the place years ago. Jules had lived there by herself for years, and on days like today Jane could see why she never wanted to leave it. The tunnel was the only easy way in, and from the outside it looked like a huge pile of rocks covered in lively green bushes. It did have a few secure windows though hidden within the rubble and plant life. It didn't look like much, but to them it was home. They were safe from the dangers of the streets, and the perves… Hidden in plain sight. Jane actually didn’t mind the place even though she frequently complained. Actually the place really did feel like home. Over the last several months she took the time to personalize their space. Lining the wooden plank walls with old records, and book covers. The makeshift shelves were lined with all the random antiques she had found. Books, old vids, art and jewelry. 

Sitting on her cot shaking her leg restlessly, taking the time to peer over her book to glance at Juliet occasionally. Juliet was waiting expectantly as she look out of the circular hole of a window for Holden. Jane was glad that her best friend had found someone… really she was. But she couldn’t help but feel conflicted. Part of her wanted him for herself. And she couldn't help but notice that anytime they'd all be together, he couldn't keep his eyes off her. Tilting his head coyly, he'd send that charming smile her way, causing her knees to weaken. There were other times when he’d be hugging Jules from behind, and she’d notice his bright honey colored eyes locking with her own. She knew she was jealous. But of who? Was it Juliet or Holden that made that envious fire spark anytime they’d embrace? Probably a bit of both now that she thought about it…

It wasn’t that she liked him exactly. Or maybe she did. Maybe she liked Juliet more than she cared to admit. No matter who she wanted, they were all friends. Not only that, but the two of them were together. But that didn't stop her from thinking about it from time to time. From thinking about Juliet. From thinking Holden... There was just something about the way he looked at her, locking her in a endless loop desperate to figure out what it meant. There was something about the way it felt low in her belly. It was different than anything she experienced with any of the boys she'd flirt with on Mindoir. Different than anything she had with Jules. Maybe that was because Juliet just didn't like her that way... Even if she did, she had a tall distraction she liked more.

Jane could hardly blame her though. The more she thought about it, the more she saw what had Juliet so infatuated. Holden had a modest air of certainty in the way he spoke. Intelligent, witty and far too good looking for his own good. Not only handsome and smart but he had what everyone wanted on Olor: Power. Holden’s mother was one of the most influential humans on the small planet. Olor wasn’t exactly know as being a nice place to visit. In fact, it was home to some of the poorest human colonies in the galaxy. But not all life on Olor suffered, if you knew the right people or were salarian you would get along just fine. Celine Brenner was the person to know if you wanted a life outside of destitution or slavery. Being the only leader ruling the human regions, she and she alone had sole control of the streets. What started as a gang around 2060 grew into a full blown and widely feared military force known as The Scarlet Order. Any other 'organization' would be allowed if and only if she approved them. Taking a cut of course, business is business and she did make the rules.

Holden had just turned 19 and being Celine's only living son, he would be next in line to rule her empire. She had put him in charge of running a small section of The Order to be stationed on Jane's side of town. She knew many people that joined The Order... Actually most humans on Olor opted to join since it was the only real way to assure a roof over their heads or food in their bellies. They fought because it was their only chance at protection. With no real government there, the Brenner's had easily asserted their dominance on Olor all those years ago. 

Jane quickly found out having that particular family on your side was one of the best moves you could make. But after Holden took charge of his mother's goons, she really saw the perks his new position brought. Jane had no problems on the streets anymore, she no longer had to steal to eat... People respected her and Juliet because they were scared of The Order, or a part of it themselves. It wasn't even that Holden was a cruel leader. Actually, he was quite the opposite. But she knew that it wasn't really him they were afraid of. No, the real terrifying one was the queen of Olor, Celine. 

“Jules, Janey. You miss me?” Holden’s silky voice echoed coolly around them as he slid out of the tunnel and into their space. Moving to his feet with a mischievous smile he rushed to Juliet’s side, grabbing her from behind in a tight hug. Turning their bodies towards the room now facing Jane, he rock her in his arms playfully. She was giggling as she sway with him, leaning her cheek back as he placed his lips on her in a sweet yet short kiss. “How is my girl?” 

Through quiet giggles she began to speak holding him tightly around her, still rocking blissfully. “Oh you know. Better.” Juliet finished turning the lovely shade of pink she always did when he was around. Watching them sent a warm ripple of displeasure through Jane.

“And what about you, Janey?” His voice was soft as he slid his eyes from Juliet to her, scanning every inch of her body on the way up. His lips sitting slightly parted, his eyes holding an overwhelming trance as he lock them with hers. 

“I’m just peachy. Except I think I lost my varren already… Can you keep an eye out for him?” Jane’s voice was quiet and reserved as she spoke, pulling her eyes from him finally. She could only look at him for so long before his gaze overwhelmed her.

Letting go of Juliet he slid from behind her dexterously making his way towards Jane. Jane wasn’t watching, but she could still feel his eyes burning into her as she sent a quick glance towards her friend. “You lost Dutch? You must be so worried, Janey. Don’t stress. We’ll find him. He's probably just back at Rivera.” Holden finished as he kneeled in front of her, lifting a hand to her face lightly brushing her hair to the side away from her eyes. 

Jane didn’t know what to do in that situation. Or any situation she had been in like this. Part of her liked the attention… Part of her liked making Juliet a little jealous too as terrible as that sounds. She liked it because then Juliet would know how it felt… But the other part of her knew this wasn’t right. That she should stop him. Tell him that whatever they had, whatever was going on there— needed to stop. But she never did. Today like all other days, she just sat there silently holding her breath as he curled his lips into that sharp and warming smile. 

Shooting Juliet another look of slight confusion, she noticed the gaze that was returned. “Uh… yeah. I sent him after some pyjacks over there. You know how he is...” Pulling her face down, Jane began rummaging aimlessly through the bag beside her. “Thanks, Hold…”

The sharp and uncharacteristically cold voice of Juliet interrupted the exchange. “Don’t you have somewhere to be going, Janey?”

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

“Let me get this straight. You expect me to believe that you managed to get a tracker on Shepard, but aren’t involved with her disappearance?” Miranda leaned back leisurely in her chair, crossing her arms at her bust. She wore her best stone cold bitch face as she eyed Kaidan sitting stiffly across from her.

“Yes, I do. I’m with the Alliance, Lawson. I have no reason to lie. Unlike you and your boss. The Illusive Man was it?” Kaidan managed to pull himself up straighter, holding his face stoic as he scan the room cautiously. 

“That’s funny…” Miranda leaned back further rocking the chair back and fourth effortlessly. “I seem to remember the last we saw you Shepard made it fairly clear she didn't want to see you. Why were you following her?” She asked unequivocally shifting her weight as she brought her elbows to the desk, clasping her hands in front of her with slight amusement behind her gaze.

“She did, yes. But that’s not really your business is it?” With a light shake of his head, Kaidan narrowed his eyes on hers.

“As long as your on my ship it is.” Miranda said back coldly not breaking his gaze once, barely even blinking.

“This isn’t your ship. It’s Shepard’s. And it’d be Garrus’ before it was yours.” Kaidan let out flatly catching the slight flicker behind her eyes. Noticing he had succeeded in breaking into that cold exterior, he continued. “Seems like I struck a nerve, eh Miss Lawson?”

After a short chuckle she placed her hands in her lap as she lean back into her chair comfortably. “Trust me, Lieutenant. It takes a lot more than that to strike a nerve. You forget who I work for.”

“Why don’t you tell me a little about it then?” His tone rising with his question as he lean forward, placing his elbows on his knees. Holding a keen astuteness behind his dark eyes, he narrowed them on her.

“That’ll be the day. We aren’t here to discuss Cerberus. You were telling me how you managed to place a tracker on Shepard. Please, I’d love to hear it.” Smiling matter of factly as she squinted studying his body language more closely.

“I might have placed it when I bumped into the humans taking her.” Leaning back, he ran a hand through his hair.

“You _might_ have? If you did all that why not stop them. Why let them take her at all?” She asked after a condescending scoff. “Please. You’re going to have to try harder then that if you want me to believe you.”

“I don’t need you to believe me. I’m only here because of Garrus. Because I know he will do what it takes to get her back. The Alliance can’t or won’t do a damn thing about it with her working with Cerberus.” Kaidan let out a deep sigh pulling his leg to rest his ankle across the other knee. “Shepard is out of Alliance control. She’s a rogue terrorist with Spectre status. They want nothing to do with this.” Changing his position again he slid forward in the chair placing both arms on her perfectly organized desk, being sure to disrupt her arrangement. He smiled confidently as be began to speak. “You see, that’s one thing I never understood. Why would the Council reinstate her Spectre status knowing she was working with you guys?”

“They reinstated her because they believe in her, unlike your human Alliance. Something you aught to try before you act all noble.” Miranda’s normal condescending tone rung from her lips burning into him like wildfire. “Now, tell me how you got the chip on her.”

“I already told you! I bumped into them when they were carrying her out. I placed it when I stumbled into them. I could see that she was really…. messed up. Anyone would have believed she was just some drunk being carried out of the club.” Kaidan stood bringing a hand to his hair again, second guessing his actions at the Dark Star. A light white glowing off his hands as continued. “I didn’t stop them because there were at least twelve of them. I didn't call for help because no one cares. The Alliance can’t care, Miss Lawson. She’s got you guys to count on now and look where it got her.”

“Better than when she had you to count on and she wound up dead.” Miranda stood as she spoke, accepting his challenge she placed her palms flatly on her desk; her body was glowing a bright white matching his own. “I’m not the enemy. Think what you will of Cerberus. But I spent two years of my life on her. She's the closest thing I have left to a friend. I’m asking you because you're the only one who saw her. You can help me or you can fight me. But you’ll only be hurting Shepard.” 

Kaidan stood there breathing heavily thinking on her words. Realizing the truth in them he let out a long sigh, limply bringing a hand to his forehead in defeat. “Then believe me when I tell you that’s what happened. I stumbled into them and stuck it on her. There were just too many of them... I thought at least this way, maybe Garrus and I could find her.” 

“Garrus will find her." Miranda looked down, as her voice grew softer. "If theres one thing I’ve learned while working with them, it’s that they always find each other.” Noticing the tone her voice had taken, she swallowed it down and began watching Kaidan closely. She could see on his face that he was trying to cage his physical and mental discomfort at her omission.

But Miranda meant it. During the few moments of silence they share she thought back to that day on Omega. To the way Shepard begged for her to save him... Thinking to all the times she could see the affectionate looks they shared. Whether they wanted to admit it and be together or not, didn’t change the fact that she knew. Miranda knew Shepard better than she knew herself in a way, and her superior genetics weren't necessary to see just how special and real what they had was. Everyday she saw how important they were to each other. Noticing the way they spoke, the way they looked at one another when they thought the other was busy. Miranda saw it all. She saw it and she was envious. Not in a malicious way. No, she just wished that she had someone who felt that way about her. That would go to the ends of the universe to find her. Someone that would trust her implicitly and follow her into hell…

As if Garrus knew they had been talking about him, he entered her office without a knock. The mechanical buzzing of the door pulled her from her thoughts as she turned from them to face their new guest. 

“EDI found something. We have a lock on the Rosalind. I’m leaving. Are you coming?” Turning to face Kaidan he stood unwavering and serious.

“I don’t know… I think you might be right, Garrus. She wouldn’t want to see me. Not after…” Kaidan looked away as his voice lowered to almost a whisper remembering the words he said to her on Horizon. The moment he confessed his love... 

“You helped find her. You should be there.” Garrus tried for comforting, but worried he sounded more apologetic than anything. He wasn't wrong, Shepard was pissed at him, but she would want to thank him for helping find her.

“Maybe… but it’s you she’s really going to want to see. Not me.” Kaidan pulled his eyes from the window and moved them to Garrus’ as he stepped closer. This time the rage that he usually wore was replaced by something else. Raising a hand to his shoulder he gave a reassuring pat. 

“She needs you Garrus. Bring her home.”

 

——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

She is almost 18 now. Only a few more weeks and she can get off of Olor… She’s still with Juliet. Only now Holden sleeps there almost every day. He’s still technically with Juliet, but Jane knows he's not in love with her. Jane knows it really her that he wants… She feels how close he still gets to her those days when Juliet is gone. Most days she even likes it. Still not encouraging his behavior, but not stopping it either. She notices the way he still looks at her… Like he needs her more than anything. Most days she wants him back. Today like most, she lay on her cot thinking about how she got herself into such a mess. Thinking on that look of appetence he wore. The look of desire and revere... A look of lust mixed with a dash of love. 

They had grown closeness blossomed fuller with each shared story. Each day that passed since they'd met she learned more about what a beautiful soul he had. But she knew that perfection was part of the problem...

“There you are.” Holden’s charming and comforting voice came from the hole behind her bed. After a smile he lifted himself up, pushing the curtain to the side and sliding through the narrow window. He landed closely beside her letting out a gleeful laugh.

“Ah! What the fu-“ Jane spoke through a wide smile, moving to the side as not to be crushed by the man sliding through the window behind her. “Jeez, Hold. You gave me a fucking heart attack.” She nudged him in the side with her elbow playfully, “You better be careful coming through that window… If anyone sees you we’re screwed.” Closing the book she was holding she rolled on her side scooting a few inches back, creating a little more space between them.

“What you’re not happy to see me? But I brought you something.” His voice was mischievous and sweet as he spoke holding a sly smile over his lips. Moving a little closer to her, he rest his head lightly in his palm, his shaggy hair spread in all directions. 

“Oh yeah?” She swallowed, feeling nervous at his distance. His cool breath slowly spreading across her neck, she watched as he slid his gaze from her mouth to her eyes. Parting her lips slightly before she spoke again. “What’s that?” 

Holden leaned up fully, slipping a hand into his pocket pulling out a small antique broach. It was oblong and a dark golden color. There were more small green and white gems then she could count decorating the surface. The broach sparkled in every direction as the light from outside hit it. Her eyes opened wide in total surprise. It was beautiful… She had never seen anything like it. They shared a look of fondness as he held it lightly in his hands. After a moment he placed the broach in hers, closing her fingertips around it. Lowering his face near hers he slid a hand to her chin. Jane breathed in quickly, feeling the warmth seeping off of his lips, only inches from her own. She swallowed as he lowered closer to her, his mouth still not touching hers... Sending her tongue out slowly she licked her lips and exhaled trying to push back the tingle that crept up her body. 

“But…” Jane barely managed to whisper, almost unable to keep herself from pressing her lips against his. Hardly able to stop herself from tasting him… 

“I want to be with you, Jane.” His voice was a whisper back as he slid his hand lightly across her jaw, ending at the base of her skull he spread his fingers through her hair.

She felt herself giving in… The warmth of his breathy words sending ripples through her as she felt her control slipping. Letting the smallest of sounds slip, she pressed her mouth to his. Feeling his soft delicate tongue massaging hers made her ache for more. Each light finger trailing up her side, and sliding up the back of her shirt erupted something that had been hidden deep inside her. Pushing herself against him she kissed him harder. The way his hands felt… It was enough to send her into a frenzy. Pushing him back into the cot and lifting herself to straddle his hips, kissing him again hard. 

Hearing movement from the tunnel she stopped and quickly pulled her mouth from his. She looked at Holden, then sent her eyes towards the sound. The echoing from the tunnel would no doubt be Juliet crawling through... It was louder than it should have been though, something didn't feel right. Not only that but she should have reached the room by now... 

Sliding her eyes slowly to the man beneath her, he was no longer the human she'd been kissing. Below her now was a turian. A large, broad shouldered turian holding her firmly at the hips. He had blue tattoos across his nose... and a large bandage on the right side of his face. There was something strange and familiar about him... She didn't move. She just look down at him in a fugue state. Slowly he removed a long clawed hand from her side, sliding a finger to his mouth.

“Shhhh.”

Looking from the turian's crystal blue eyes that still watch her entrancingly to the tunnel once more she wait expectantly. Juliet should have been through by now… Something isn’t right… 

She sat comfortably on the familiar yet alien figure below her, noticing her hands now. They were covered in blood... dark sticky red blood. Moving her eyes from her hands to the room around them, she watched as the wooden planks began to disappear one by one. The scene she remembered as her home on Olor was fading. As pieces fall around them she watched the room changing to something else… She looked desperately to the turian once more; He lay unfazed by the shaking and trembling that erupted around them offering no advice. He simply just stare at her adoringly completely unaffected. After a moment she moved her eyes to the right noticing a steady stream of liquid dripping from the cement ceiling, coming from nowhere… 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

She pulls a bloody hand to her forehead, watching as the room shakes and changes before her. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Her home with Juliet is gone. She’s not on Olor anymore… She's not sitting on the turian anymore...

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

She’s 28 again. Or is she 30… 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Bright. Too fucking bright. Juliet… No… That’s not right. That life is behind you…

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Holden. No... That isn't right either... Garrus? Ow… Focus. Where are you?

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Think Jane. You were helping Thane. And… Holden… No, stop it. Garrus… Ow, what the hell did they do to me?

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Focus Jane. Remember damnit. Thane and his son… Then Holden kiss- no. Then Garrus told you to be with someone else... Right…

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

And then… and then… The broach. No. Fucking think. You're not on Olor.

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

“Damien.” Shepard whispered to herself after a moment opening her eyes fully. “Damien. Where… where the fuck did you take me?”

She looked down to her arms trying to break free, stopping a moment later feeling them fastened securely behind her. Pulling at the ties proved unrewarding, she realized she was stuck. Not only was she bound at the wrists, but her ankles were firmly secured to the legs of the chair which she sat. She'd like to count on her new found biotic abilities, but she hadn't learned how to properly control them yet, and half the time she couldn't even get them to work. Their instability paired with whatever was coursing through her system... Unreliable would be the gentle way of putting it, but foolish would be more accurate. Letting out a long sigh, she ran her tongue across her teeth behind her lips deep in thought. Scanning the room, she could tell she was in the lower section of a starship. That was a noise she would never forget. A frigate most likely based off of her surroundings. But whose ship was it? 

Jane may have been able to get herself out of some sticky situations, but this definitely topped her list of tricky. 

_Alright Jane. You need to stay focused. Where are you? Think, think, think. Damien drugged you, that’s pretty obvious. But why? He said… Janey. He called me Janey. He… Mentioned… This is about Juliet…_

“How lovely for you to join us. I know she’s going to be so pleased to see you again.” Damien’s voice came from behind her. 

Letting out another long sigh she scanned the room again, choosing not to reply to the voice. Pulling her bottom lip between her teeth, she bit hard deep thought as she racked her brain for any useful information. She couldn't see him, but she could see a darkness spreading from the corner... and... blood. Anything she could remember from before she was taken had been broken into pieces. None of it made any sense. 

There were flashes of Olor. Flashes of Holden and Juliet. She remembered the weird dream mixed with her memories where he changed to Garrus...

_Don't worry, Jane. He's gonna find you._

“Now, now, Janey. There is no need to be rude. What happened to your manners?” Damien stepped closer with a malicious grin. After a moment he breathed in deeply as he pulled his fist back and unloaded it with full force into her jaw.

Shepard didn’t make a sound, she just look to the side spitting out a mouthful of blood. Looking up for a moment she saw Holden... She stared at him for a moment... his face was so pained. He was so broken... He wasn't real. 

After the few minutes it took her to decide he was a hallucination, she moved her fury filled stare to the eyes of the man who hit her. To the man she once thought she knew... Her face pulled in stiffly as she felt the warm beed of blood sliding down her lip and neck. Those bright emerald eyes burning into him like molten lava, promising a slow painful death. Of all the things she wanted to say, she didn't. She pressed her lips together tightly holding her tongue. She knew that was just what Juliet wanted, and she wasn’t about to give it to her.


	14. Parting is such Sweet Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally it's here! Hope you don't mind it's all original stuff. :D I do the back n' forth GarrusxShepard as well as some past and present stuff from before, so I hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

About 15 minutes ago Shepard’s stats went dark on his visor. That steady steam of numbers had kept him sane since that day she saved him back on Omega. But now, their absence seemed only to drive him deeper into madness. The minutes before the loss didn’t look good for her, and now he couldn't help but worry. Shepard’s vitals were running rampant; jumping from abnormally fast to slow too quickly to be normal. Something was definitely happening to her, and by the looks of it it wasn’t good. The numbers he was seeing suggested that they were hurting her. Numbers that high suggested pain. When he thought about what they could be doing to her, he pushed himself near insanity. 

Only 15 minutes had passed, but each of those minutes felt longer than the last. They were steadily approaching the Rosalind, and all he had to do was select his team and debrief the crew. But how could he focus on filling them all in and launching a rescue mission if he couldn’t stop staring at that blank screen? How could he tell them it would all be alright when he himself didn’t even believe it.

_Focus._

Just because the link had been severed didn’t necessarily mean that she was dead. There were many logical explanations as to why he couldn’t read her stats anymore. There was bound to be a maximum range on that feature… But with the Rosalind visible on the Normandy scanner he knew that couldn’t have been the problem. Plus, he and Shepard had been separated at far larger distances before and he could read her just fine.

The other more likely option was that whoever had kidnapped her had removed her suit. But if they did remover her gear, what could they be doing to her? Answering himself he thought of the possibility of torture. A moment later he thought back to some of his old cases during his time at C-Sec, and he wondered what else they could be doing to her… That thought alone was enough to send him on a rampage. 

_No. Focus._

The biggest of his worries though was that she could already be dead. That he would be too late. Again. But now, the crew needed him to stay sharp, so he pushed those terrible thoughts to the side and mentally prepared himself. He couldn’t worry about the what if’s now. Spirits knew there were already far too many of those surrounding them. He needed to focus on what they did know. And they finally knew where Shepard was. 

“Hey, you really gotta breathe big guy. Like... Normally. You sound like you're growling and it's kinda freaking me out.” Joker moved from the pilot’s chair to his feet with a light limp. “You can’t go down there like this. I can practically taste how anxious you are and if I’m noticing, you can bet on that stick up your ass they will.” Ending with a friendly smile he closed the space between them.

“I’m fine.” As Garrus replied his subvocal’s filled with an agitated tone. He didn't bother to look at Joker when he spoke, or acknowledge his attempt at humor. He only fixed his eyes on the scanner’s screen, locked in place on the little green dot promising they’d found the Rosalind. Promising they’d found Shepard. 

“Listen… everyone down there is depending on you to hold this all together. They’re depending on you to hold them together, Garrus. She's depending on you.” His voice only holding a sliver of his usual boyish tone. Speaking behind hopeful eyes offering strength and support. “Miranda… ehh, maybe not so much. But who really cares what Miranda thinks, amiright?” With a light nudge he offered another friendly smirk.

Garrus leaned his head down after his own weak version of a smile- his plates loosening only a hair as he brought a taloned hand to either side of his mandibles. After a soft rub he sighed looking to Joker finally. “I know. I’m just worried about her. What if they’ve…” His rough purr softened to a low whisper. 

“Come on, you know she’s alive…” After a brief pause, he continued having chosen his next words carefully. “This is the part where I say something cheesy about how you’d feel it in your bones or… carapace or something.” With a nod he patted Garrus’ armored shoulder reassuringly. 

Cheesy or not he believed what Joker said. When he thought back to the day Shepard died, he had felt it. That sickly ache resting in the pit of his stomach. He might not have known then what it was that day, but it all made sense to him now. Garrus was anxious, nervous, furious even… But of all the emotions he experiences, not one of them were even comparable to what he felt the day she was killed. 

“I never knew you were such a romantic, Joker.” Crossing his arms, the undertones of his voice lightening a fraction.

“If you need some assistance with… well… let’s just say I could show you some vids.” Removing the hand he crossed his arms overlooking the controls. Letting his eyes slide for just a moment to that annoying blue ball he’d been forced to share the Normandy with… 

“For some reason I don’t think the vids you have in mind are the kind I’m looking for… Or, maybe they are. Are all human women like this?” Garrus spoke with a laugh, forgetting for just a moment the severity of the situation. Allowing himself to pretend for a split second, that things were still their messy version of normal.

“Yes… Well, most of them don’t have the Reapers as their arch nemesis...is… or get themselves kidnapped regularly.” He paused to brush off the face Garrus made at the omission, nodding away his curiosity signaling that would be a story for another time. “Or, you know… usually they try not to die.” He finished returning the laugh as they shared few seconds of silence. 

After a moment, Joker spoke again. “Look, I’m not gonna pretend I know anything about cross species… whatever is happening here. But I do know a thing or two about Shepard.” He waited, pulling the side of his lip into his mouth to chew lightly. “I guess what I’m trying to say is… Open your eyes, dude. Don't be an idiot. She's crazy about you.”

“I—” His face was full of surprise at first, but as he spoke again his voice had a certainty to it. “I’m not right for her, Jeff. I’ll never be the type of man she deserves.” 

“I don’t know, Garrus. From where I’m standing, you seem like just the type of man she deserves.” Joker nodded, and nudged his shoulder to lighten the mood. “Now, can we get this show on the road? Being so wise is bad for my reputation. I’m the funny guy. I don’t do serious, remember?”

Pulling himself back to the reality of their situation, he felt those nerves wash over him again like a wave. “Are we actually ready for this, Joker? We can't mess this up.” Crossing his arms as he spoke, he pulled his mandibles in closely again, all manner of joking quickly forgotten.

“Garrus, remember the thing I said about breathing?” Joker took a deep breath in and out showing him how to do it. ”Come on, big breath in…. “ He gave a look signaling Garrus to follow his lead, pulling a large breath of air into his lungs. Once he saw Garrus pull in a mouthful of air he continued. “—annnnnd let it out. Now get down there, rally the troops and bring her back.” Joker offered a human salute, then finished with a hand to the chest gesture he’d seen other turian’s use to address each other. By the fluidity of the action it was clear Joker had done some research before offering it. 

Loosening his facial plates he returned the familiar gesture, knowing just how important it was in turian culture. Knowing it was one of the highest forms of respect you could show a friend, it was easy to mirror; because he truly did respect Joker. He may have had some hostilities towards the pilot in the past, but he eventually accepted that Shepard’s death was no one’s fault but the bastards who spaced her. After they both accepted they weren’t to blame, that loss bonded them. Now, they had a unspoken promise to protect each other and to protect Shepard. 

Making his way towards the Crew Deck, he was ready to update them all on what happened. Walking steadily towards Miranda’s office, he entered without a knock. Inside he immediately felt tension so high he was surprised that either of them were still standing. After informing the two that the Normandy had a lock on Shepard’s location and before heading towards the hangar he called the crew for a meeting. Trying his best at a motivational speech, he did what he could to sound confident. But truthfully he didn’t know what to say to them. He wasn’t even sure if he trusted the words coming out of his own mouth. As he stood up there offering words of wisdom, he felt deep in his bones that something was wrong… The rest of the crew may not have said a thing in the moments to follow, but he could see that they all felt it too. The looks they wore on their faces said more than any of his words ever could.

The plan Garrus established was solid. The first team— Team Mako would take the ship: Garrus, Miranda, Kaidan and Grunt. If there were any issues, or loss of contact along the way, that’s when Team Hammerhead would make their way in: Jack, Zaeed, Jacob and Kasumi. Worst case scenario… Well, let’s just say Garrus hoped they wouldn’t need to make it to Plan B. During the initial onslaught, they’d bring as much firepower as possible. With any luck they'd get in and out without an issue. 

Sending Team Mako on their way towards the Kodiak, he made a quick stop at the Main Battery. Rummaging through a crate he paused when finding his target. Within his taloned fingers he hold a small white box. The holding place for Shepard’s old dog tags, the ones Liara had given him. All those months ago, he’d wear those tags as a daily reminder that he failed her. That he had lost her… But despite all odds she had found him again. She had come back from the dead and she had been given a second chance. He had been given a second chance. 

Only a couple hours after her disappearance and here he was desperate and hopeless. Trapped in the maze of his mind, replaying his mistakes. Blaming himself for all that had happened. 

It was only now as he look down inside that small white box that he felt hope. Those small mangled tags were no longer a reminder that he had once failed her, but that he could save her. That he could always save her. Pulling them slowly from their resting place, he slid the silver chain around his neck. The cool beads slide down offering comfort. Holding the illegible tags in his hand he smiled to himself.

“She’s still alive.” He said quietly shutting the chest he had ransacked. In a swift turn he rushed out of the Main Battery ready to go.

Once Garrus reached the docking section of the Normandy, another wave of nerves hit him. He could practically feel the heartbeats of those around him. Walking in a stride of their thumping, with determination in each step he told himself to breathe. Eyes fixed on Kaidan as he pace the space of the Kodiak. Noticing the cool exterior Miranda wore as she leaned arms crossed against the surface of the shuttle. The way Grunt sat on an empty weapons crate restlessly pounding his fists together. 

The rest of the crew had taken to waiting in the Shuttle Bay with them. All filling with various levels of anxiety and worry, trying to look busy and failing miserably. Garrus strode hastily toward Team Mako and entered the shuttle with a nod gesturing them to follow. Already inside sat their shuttle driver ready and waiting. Abbot was a salarian they’d met on Virmire all those years ago. He was ex-STG like Mordin, and once Shepard saved him from the planet he took to driving the Kodiak for them. With a friendly nod he powered up the shuttle and prepared for departure. 

The minutes were excruciatingly slow as the shuttle pulled them closer to the Rosalind. The only noise around them was the steady beeping from Kaidan’s omni-tool, and the low rumble of the Kodiak. Swallowing down his fear he moved to his feet and began pacing the narrow space. Again he couldn’t shake that strange feeling… It wasn’t the same as that day, but it felt just as toxic. There it was sliding under his plates pressing them to the point of discomfort.

“Are you ready, Mr. Vakarian?” Miranda asked quietly as she move to her feet, watching from a window as the Rosalind growing larger with each second. 

“Let’s bring her home.”

 

————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

All she can focus on is that damn dripping. The insufferable dripping accompanied by that dull throbbing ache stinging throughout her body. Each blow Damien slammed into her face burning with a force strong enough to pull the already weakened breath from her lungs. Each bash across the mouth filling her with the taste of warm metallic blood. Her hair sticking together in thick clumps as dark blood held the strands in place… She almost preferred the beating to the sound of that water though. 

Oh and the weird shit she'd been seeing. Yeah, it all hurts, and the hallucinations were pretty annoying. But this was nothing compared to what it would have been like if she experienced this ordeal pre-Lazarus Project. Don’t let those fancy cybernetics fool you though, she still felt all of it. Knowing the pain was only temporary, she kept strong. She knew her crew wouldn’t leave her there to rot. She knew Garrus wouldn’t leave her. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

But that pain was getting to be too much even for her and her upgrades… Whatever they had given her had messed with her perception. Her perception of time… of what was real. She felt herself slipping. Slipping in and out of consciousness as her mind fled deeper within itself to escape the physical pain. Burrowing further into her thoughts as her body attempt to adjust to whatever chemical ran through her. Thoughts she hadn’t cared to stir up came knocking. Thoughts she felt herself unable to avoid rung the bell with persistence. Slowly she gave into them as Damien’s face faded to black.

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

She’s back on olor. She’s just a few days from her 18th birthday. A few days from enlisting with the Alliance and getting the hell off of that godless planet. Juliet hadn’t caught on… She didn't know that her best friend and her boyfriend had taken to secretly meeting. They hadn't kissed since that night, but their nightly meet ups made them culpable enough. Each rendezvous was another nail in the coffin. A coffin she covered up in pretty red wrapping and tucked away for safe keeping. Along with that box she kept Juliet. Leaving her in the dark with no light into what had happened. More accurately, what was happening…

But why worry about what might happen when she would be off world in just a few days time. She just had to keep that box tucked away for a little bit longer… Such a simple thing that kiss had been. But the aftermath proved to be anything short of complicated. That secret weighing heavy on her addled heart. Each day that pass darkening it a little bit more.

As her heart grew heavier after that night, she distanced herself from Juliet. Holden stopped hanging around their place, and all was not well in their little spot of paradise. He was always suddenly busy with Order work any time Juliet wanted to see him. Jane knew that he used working for his tyrant controlling mother as an excuse to avoid the situation. To avoid Juliet. Knowing that he used doing her bidding as a way to hide from what they had done… But she also knew how he felt about his family. She knew that if he must really feel guilty if he was using The Order as an excuse to hide. But, neither of them felt guilty enough it seemed.

When Jane would think about all the stories Holden shared about the darkness within Celine or the death of his older brother, Sebastian; she grew incredibly sad. Remembering how Holden mentioned his mother never really broke until she lost Bash. How she grew angry, vengeful and became obsessed with power. Sebastian was her pride and joy and after he died, Holden was just a reminder of her loss. A reminder of how much of a disappointment he was in comparison. She remembered a story he'd shared about how Celine left for a few months after Bash died. That when Celine returned, she brought back many large crates she wouldn't discuss. How when he looked at her after, she wasn't the same. How her eyes were... empty.

With everything she'd learned over the years she knew how hard it must have been for him. To Celine she had lost the only son that mattered. When she wasn't locked up in her office doing god knows what, she was dictating the streets of Olor. Building her empire while trying to cage her unloved son. All she wanted from him was a vicious, pliable, killing machine. He did what he had to to please her, but desperately he wanted more. He wanted freedom. But deep down he knew Celine would never let him go. Jane knew that his fake alliance with his mother wouldn't be simple. The closer he got in attempts to escape his wrongs, the tighter her grip squeezed around him.

No matter how tightly her fingers may be wrapped, it didn't stop him from trying for something more. In those days after their kiss, Holden urged her to run away with him. If he didn't get out soon, he never would. They could leave that life behind to start a new one— together. But they were too blinded by youth to comprehend just how vast and dark their path ahead was. 

Jane always knew, even at her young age that her path wouldn’t be an easy one. Something deep in the pits of her stomach had always told her that her life wasn’t fully hers to control… That no matter what she did, no matter which choices she made, she’d always end up in the same place in the end.

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

Damien pulls her head back in a tight grip as he peers down his nose with a toothy smile, only inches from her own. Jane wakes to a splash of cold water running over her bloody and bruised face. She’s back on that fucking ship. She’s bound, and braking more as the minutes trickle by. Damien grabs her limp face and pulls her upward, pushing that dripping rouge hair of hers to the side. Running his fingers tightly over her cheeks and chin he moved them to her mouth. Lightly he traces the fine line of her matching red lips. 

“My, my, my. That is quite remarkable I have to admit. You’re already healing… Just what did they do to you?” Damien spoke gravely, his voice sharp and deep cutting into her like a blade. 

“Fuck you.” She growled as she headbutt him in the nose, feeling his feeble bones breaking with a loud crunch. She looked behind Damien... That's when she saw him. Garrus was just standing calmly with his face carved open, paying no attention to the deep dark blue that poured from his fresh wound. He didn't speak, he didn't move. In this moment she knows it's not real... She knows it's...

After a small shriek, she focus on Damien again as he turns swinging his hand towards his pooling nose of fresh blood. “You always were a tough bitch weren’t you, Janey?” He finished as he leaned down grabbing the back of her head once more, pulling her into a tight bloody kiss. 

She pulled away as best she could, but his grip was strong and she was beyond bound and delusional. The mix of adrenaline with the strange tingle she felt bubbling in her forearm and hand… Well, that paired with whatever the hell they gave her was doing a number on her mental health. Half the time, she wondered if she could distinguish reality from fantasy. One second she was on this ship with that insufferable dripping… The other she was on Olor, surrounded by darkness and death. Then the next she’s back with Garrus on Omega, once again covered in his dark blue blood. The flashes of reality were blending like a twister, sucking up fact and fiction like a vacuum. 

“I’m going to enjoy killing you when I get out of here.” She whispered tautly through gritted teeth, deciding that this was reality. 

“How predictable of you. Even now… you still believe. You've got to tell me. What is your trick? I bet I have an idea. Could it have something to do with a certain spiky friend of yours?” A tone of condescending rung his lips as he let the smallest of smiles slip after.

Before Shepard could speak, she lost control of her face. It was only for a second, but it was long enough for Damien to notice he was right on track. The more she thought about it, the more she wondered if they had the been following her all along. How much did they know about her? How much did they know about them… 

“I’d be very careful with what you say to me next, Damien.” She threatened with a voice full of intent. Her emerald eyes filling with madness.

“Which of us is tied to a fucking chair? I remember you always liked that kinda thing, you should feel right at home.” With a smile that started at the corner of his mouth, he began pacing the space between them. Watching as her chest rise and fall hurriedly with each breath. “Now… I think we’ve done enough playing don't yo—.“

Jane watched as he stopped suddenly in place. His back straightened stiffly as he returned to the post by the door. Shepard’s face switch to one of confusion at his change in demeanor. She watched as he stood ready, noticing the faint steady click of heels growing louder with each chirp. Each pin point step causing her heart to grow tighter. Each breathe deeper and more hurried than the last. She knew what was coming. She knew who was coming.

_Click, click, click, click, click, click, click._

Until she heard the heels stop on the other side of the passage. Silently she stare forward with eyes locked on the center of the door. Waiting. Uneasiness resting behind her lips. Maybe even fear…

After what seemed like an eternity the mechanical buzz opened revealing her old friend. Juliet stood with her long blonde hair pulled tightly back into a high ponytail. Her flawless face now sporting a large white scar across her left cheek and eye. The scarred eye had lost its color, and was now a light pale gray. Standing with confidence she radiated power. She reminded her of someone else she'd met on Olor... 

Juliet entered the room wide eyed in an ankle length black dress with a high collar. Only, the front section of her gown wasn’t there— some new asari style no doubt, but within the opening of her dress, her slender legs wore skintight pants with boots sharp enough to cut glass. She was almost completely unrecognizable. If not for that smile… 

As the mechanical buzz of the door shut behind her she noticed Holden standing. 

_His neck... it's... No. It's not real_

“Janey. I’ve been waiting so long for this.” Jules voice was almost singsongy, but the face she wore was nothing short of menacing. She stepped forward nonchalantly with hands held together at her chest, almost as if she was holding back immense excitement. “I’ve missed you terribly.” 

“You could have just called, ya know?” Shepard joked gravely, but her face was still stone. Why she tried levity she wasn't sure, but then again she wasn’t herself. She was deluded and everything was skewed. For all she knew, this could all be some vivid hallucination.

“Always with the jokes.” Juliet stepped closer to Shepard, leaning down and placing both of her hands atop her bound wrists. Putting pressure on them using them as a grounding spot.

After a moment Juliet stood and with a slight flick of her finger the binds around Shepard's legs and wrists were removed. The ropes float airily in soft billowy pools of green electric mist in the space between them. Jane stood eyes full of curiosity and confusion with just a dash of really fucking pissed off. Within the second she decided to react, Juliet had stopped her. Raising a hand as she tilt her head to the side she saw the pain Shepard felt on her face. The agony she felt while suspended in olive swirls was unbearable. 

_It was just like... No. That's not possible. Is it?_

“Now lets get you out of that ugly suit, shall we?” Juliet’s gaze was penetrating, and felt like acid drowning her. 

As she opened her mouth slightly, she slid a mischievous tongue to the side where her bright red lips met, curling them into a smile. With another flick of her fingers the clasps of Jane's N7 armor released. After another small swish of her hand, Jane’s arms spread wide forcefully as the armor flew from her body, slamming into the walls around them in a loud crash. Juliet lowered Jane’s stiff pained body into the chair securing her in a electric fog. The mist like electricity wrapping her arms in rope, holding her tightly in place again. The tingle of the spark as it warmed her fastened body reminded her of that night on Olor… That night when…

_No, that can’t be right. Could it? How did Juliet… no. You’re hallucinating again. What she’s doing it’s not… It’s not like on Olor. It's not like on Olor... It’s not possible… right?_

"The ropes are a little old school, don't you think, Jules? But this is a new trick... I saw someone else use it before a very long time ago." Jane started talking weakly, blinking back the blue and black blood she saw seeping from the corners of the room.

“I think I'd rather talk about you." With a smile Juliet remained in control. "So, tell me. What was it like to die? Do you remember what it feels like to have your soul ripped your body? Do… you still have a soul?” Ending as she flicked a finger pulling a chair to mirror Shepard. 

For a moment in the confusion of the drugs Jane couldn't breathe again... She was floating through space like before. She was dying... The sound of Juliet speaking again pulled her back to reality once more.

”Or actually… Let’s back up just a bit. Why don’t you tell me a little bit about that pretty little gunnery Chief Ashley. You do remember Ashley don’t you? Heard you got her blown up. What a shame. She had so much potential.” With a tilt of her head Jules made a pained face, then laughed quietly to herself as she pulled a hand to her neck. With pursed lips she began stroking a small white and green broach as she sit comfortably in the chair crossing her legs. As she spoke, Shepard saw more blood filling the floor of the room, watching it creep around below at her feet. 

_It's not real._

“Better yet… Why don’t we talk about that turian you’re so sweet on... What's his name? Garrus, right? Word on the street is you saved the birds life down on Omega. Word on the street is you’ve become the birds little human whore. I never would have guessed you had a thing for aliens, Janey. But- even I have to admit that there is something... sexy about him.” Her words were lined with honey, a trap set to cause a reaction. Standing she sighed dramatically, running a loose hand over her long blonde-white pony.

“Leave him out… This isn't about-” Jane stumbled on her words, feeling a wave of whatever she’d been given spreading through her veins hit her head on. Blurring her vision and perception further.

“Oh, Janey please, don't try to talk. We've pumped you with enough Lucenari to keep you off your rocker for quite sometime. Didn't know how much to give you with all those fancy cybernetics of yours... so, we just had to guess." She laughed to herself leaning back in the chair. "I guess I should be thanking you, really. You and yours truly are making this incredibly easy for me... It's almost no fun at all."

“W-what are you talking about?” Shepard managed to say, barley above a whisper.

After a low maniacal laugh Juliet continued. “What, you don’t remember? That sweet baby faced Alenko of yours… Well, with your little Lieutenant planting that bug, to him sharing the information with your adorable little fowl… Well, I just honestly couldn’t have asked for this to pan out better.” She leaned forward in her chair, staring intently at Jane. Her white eye burning as deeply as the sapphire blue one had. Pulling a gloved hand to examine her covered nails, she pursed her lips and sighed again seeing the confusion still engulfing Shepard’s pale and bloodied face.

"He planted a little bug when we picked you up... Really nothing? Guess we must of given you a little too much. Whoops." Wrapping her fingers together she sighed pulling herself to her feet. "Poor little thing thought he was being sneaky. I don’t see that one going very far.” She flicked a finger as a small silver chip came into vision, surrounded by that green haze from before. “Your boyfriends are following closely behind us as we speak. And believe me when I say we will be ready when they get here."

For the first time in years Jane felt a different kind of pain. Fear. True fear. A familiar yet buried feeling… The kind you felt when you’ve lost someone you loved. The fear she felt on Mindoir all those years ago. The fear she felt on Olor…

"I promise to take good care of your little Archangel. I have a wonderful evening planned for the two of us.” As she lowered her hand, the chip dropped to the ground. After a small chuckle she strode back towards Shepard’s chair with a fire behind her eyes. “I truly can’t wait to meet him.”

In that moment she realized exactly what Juliet wanted. She didn’t want to kill her. Not yet anyway. Right now, what Juliet wanted was revenge: She wanted to hurt her. Jules was going to kill the only person that she had left. This had all been about vengeance all along. Payback. A trap. The pain her realization brought hit her like a truck as her eyes widened with a loss of words. Just wide enough for Juliet to notice, as she returned a knowing smile. A smile of control.

“If you lay a finger on him I will fucking kill you.” Shepard growled her words between gritted teeth. Her hands filling with a bright blue haze.

Juliet leaned in close with a wide sinister smile. “Good luck with that." With her face only inches from Jane's, she slowly slid her hand up to the front of her neck sending out a familiar bright electric haze of green.

Juliet’s hand tightened as the grassy fog lit up brighter around Shepard’s neck. “When I’m done with your little boy toy… There will be nothing of the man you knew left inside his miserable scaly body. And that, my dear old friend is how you make a threat.” 

Shepard pulled her face taut in pain, filling with an overwhelming sense of agony and sickness. Sick and dizzy… The pain was too much. She can’t focus… too much blood...

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

 

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

The Kodiak had just landed on the Rosalind, but something still doesn’t feel right. The looks they share signal that Garrus isn’t alone in his feeling either. Quietly the four of them exited the shuttle with guns raised high. Garrus took point, as the others fell into line easily following his lead. Kaidan covering his six, leading them quietly towards the steady beep.

“Our guests have arrived.” A cold voice boomed suddenly over the loud speaker surrounding them as members of The Scarlet Order filled the space militantly. Each man and woman sporting the same shade of red, holding large guns between their hands and walking in perfect coordination to each other. 

“This… something wrong here, Garrus. Look at them…” Miranda said over comm from behind a stack of crates. Her voice was skittish, suspicious and full of unease.

“Yeah… I can see them. What’s with their eyes?” He whispered back, peering through his old black Spectre riffle. 

Each of their faces were pale, but they seemed to be human. They had to be right? The only real indication that they may be altered was the strange electric mist that hovered their hands like paint blending with water in light airy swirls. The same static haze sept from their bright neon green eyes. These things weren’t husks. No, they’d all seen husks before… This was something else entirely. It was familiar in a way, but also completely foreign. There was just something about the way those green swirls moved…

The fight that erupted shook the hangar of the Rosalind. The further they got into the frigate the stranger they all began to feel. There was an odd feeling of dread. Pain… Loss… Darkness. It was unnerving. They noticed right away that some of the soldiers of The Order had more advanced biotic powers. It was a deeper darker green and glowed in a radiant flicker, matching the shade and vibrancy of their eyes. Bullet after bullet members of The Order fell, their blood black as night. 

They made their way deeper into the ship where the walls somehow seemed to change around them. The deeper they got, the more lost they found themselves. Only realizing well over ten minutes into their quest that they hadn’t seen an enemy in some time. How long was too long in between shoot out? How much time had actually even passed? The smell of rotting flesh and the pungent sting of death engulfed them in a cloud of distraction. 

“What is this? Smells like they've been dead for ages… EDI, could you run a scan?” Miranda asked as she kneel beside one of the now lifeless bodies, running her own omni-tool over the corpse.

“I am sorry Operative Lawson, but there is no relevant information on which entity is onboard the Rosalind. I can however read that it is of mostly organic matter. I do detect the presence of Reaper and Prothean technology onboard the starship. However, the organism is of unknown origin and contains elements unrecognizable by my core programming. My readings also suggest that they are of an unknown organic compound. Further scans of the area reveal dozens of other hostiles with the same genetic makeup as the one in question. I recommend you proceed with caution.” EDI’s cool electronic voice finished as they shared a look of concern.

“They have Reaper and Prothean tech, but aren’t either... What do you call this then?” Miranda questioned to herself clicking her tongue behind her teeth. “The Illusive Man has to know something…”

“Let’s be sure to ask him when we get back.” Garrus replied with a soft raspy tone, holding his facial plates stiffly. Ignoring the scoff she released at his quip.

“How can that thing not be in your AI’s programming… How can it be made of unknown organic compounds? I think we may be dealing with a new species here.” Kaidan finished as he kneel beside Miranda eyeing the body for himself, the smell curling his nose in a tight knot. 

“Hm. New… or old?” Grunt asked while reloading his shotgun eyeing the starship’s interior suspiciously. 

The noise echoing around them in sharp waves. The ship itself seemed to be alive… to be breathing alongside them. But how could a ship be alive? This clearly wasn’t a Reaper they were dealing with. So what was it?

“EDI said dozens… So, where the hell are they? I can’t read a damn thing. When’s the last time we saw one of these things alive anyway?” Pressing his gun to his back he eyed the crates around them. Thinking again on the fact that he hadn't noticed how much time had passed since they arrived... “What do you think’s going on here?” His subvocal’s rising occasionally when he spoke, curiosity peeking an interest.

“If I had to guess… Well—“ Kaidan stood, running a hand over his springy hair, ignoring the bit of static that erupted from the contact. “I would have to say this is probably some plan of the Reapers. I mean, the tech is here. The strange monsters… It all fits.” 

“It might fit, but do you honestly think it's the Reapers this time? There’s something different about this place…” Garrus sighed as he switched his comm opening a link to the Normandy. “Joker, no word on Shepard. But as you heard we’re fighting blind down here. Maybe think about planning a quick escape if things get messy.” 

“Roger that, Garrus. We’re all ready.” Joker spoke back before closing the line. 

As if Miranda could see Garrus’ hard exterior weaken she moved to her feet, offering a soft hand of comfort to his shoulder. The shock of her affectionate gesture pulled him swiftly from his thoughts and back to the strangeness of their situation. Using a taloned hand to grab for the mangled tags within the neck of his suit, he wrapped its long silver chain between two fingers gripping them tightly.

Miranda spoke in a voice that was uncharacteristic soft and comforting. “She’s alive.” 

 

———————————————————————————————————————————————-

 

She’s 18…. She’s on Olor again. It’s past 1am as she slowly pulled herself from her cot. With quiet footsteps she stood above her sleeping friend heavy eyes full of affection and regret. Noticing her long blonde hair slumped in a loose pile around her delicate face. After tossing a sad smile her way she proceeded to climb through the small circular window above her bed. Jane may have yelled at Holden many times about using it as an entry or exit way— but tonight she didn't care. Using the tunnel would have made far too much noise, and she was sneaking out wasn't she? 

Jane is on her way to meet Holden behind Rivera. A small little pond hidden behind the buildings where the crumbled city turned back to lush green forest. She had found her varren Dutch there all those months ago. Okay, ‘Dutch’ wasn’t so much hers as much as he was a wild varren she was trying to tame. It didn’t exactly work, but once she learned he hadn't ran away, so much as he was just not interested in being in a box all day... She accepted his free spirit and now he lived happy in the trees of Rivera. Dutch took to paying her daily visits, which was an accomplishment all its own. Rivera was the perfect place to get lost in when the city life got to be too much. Where she could hang out with her friends and pretend she had a pet varren. Here she could be herself. But the last few days, the ‘here’ in question became a place to meet with Holden. 

Jane may have been physically ready to leave Olor… She may have already booked passage to the nearest Alliance recruitment base for first thing in the morning… She may have had everything packed up all neat and tidy, but she was no where near mentally ready to leave. It’s been April 11th for an hour and twenty three minutes, and she’s as free as Dutch. But in the same way Dutch paid her visits, she too felt an obligation to Juliet and to Holden. In the days leading up to her birthday, that freedom pending felt more like a prison. The idea of leaving the shitty planet now filled her with sadness. A cold numbness filling her until she felt she may pop. As she walk she felt a strange familiar emotion darkening around her. Telling her that she was going to lose more than one thing tonight.

As she prowl slowly on her way to Rivera she tried for hopeful. Knowing that leaving was the only thing she had been looking forward to in months, she wanted to enjoy it. But no matter how much she tried she couldn’t. No matter how determined she was to be happy, that bittersweet taste of betrayal stained her mouth. Maybe this was what her lies tasted like as they sept deeper into the tastebuds on her tongue. Tasting more and more every day that there was no going back. Knowing that most of herself didn’t even want to. But maybe if that luck of her’s hadn't run out, she could leave Olor with their secret unburied. Maybe if she was lucky, that taste would eventually leave her mouth.

The arms she held closed tightly around her chest offered both comfort and remorse. Offering a few more moments to dwell on her final hours on Olor. To look back to where it went wrong. As she grew closer to their spot she felt her feet grow lined with lead. 

“Happy birthday, Janey.” Holden spoke quietly, only a light air of his usual confident in his voice. This time he mostly spoke with sadness. 

“Yeah. Cool. I mean… thanks. Uh… Birthday’s. You know. Weird… for me.” Stumbling on which words to use, she lightly emoted with her hands, flailing them about with each fumble. 

The truth was that she never really had a terrible birthday in the past. Her family had always made sure she was happy, and well cared for. But there was always something that made her sad when she thought about growing older. Each birthday served as a reminder that one day she was going to die. She’d die just like her parents had… Well before she had lost them to Batarian’s that fear sat below the surface, but each passing year it seemed to only grow stronger. It was only now though after her parents had died that she truly understood how easily it could happen. Now she was just an hour and thirty eight minutes into her 18th birthday and all she could think about was dying. This birthday like all others, left her with the looming storm of chance. 

“So… I guess this is me saying goodbye. I… don’t really…” Her voice lost its courage as she finished, pulling a nervous hand to her lips to bite her nail absentmindedly.

“Goodbye…” Holden whispered back, but after a moment he closed the space between them. “Do you really want to do this, Jane? You could stay. Or I could actually come with you.” His voice was weak and defeated.

She watched as he stepped closer slowly extending a hand toward hers. Letting him wrap his fingers around hers as she looked down, biting the inside of her lip until she tasted blood. Jane didn’t move her eyes to his, only look down at her feet, holding back two eyes full of tears. As much as she wanted to stay she knew she couldn’t. This wasn’t the life she wanted. She didn't want to be the ruler of an empire. She didn’t want to own anything to a woman like Celine… But she didn't really mind the idea of being with him… He had mentioned it before, but only now did she think it could be a real possibility. Maybe he could come with her. Maybe they could have a life together...

“Holden, look. I can’t stay here. This place— your mom… It’s-it’s not me. I can’t do the things she’ll expect of me. I—I don’t belong here, and you know it. but-” Jane didn’t bring her eyes from her feet, but allowed his hand to to hold hers lightly in his.

“But what? You belong in the military, Jane? They’re going to use you as cannon fodder and you’re going to get yourself killed out there fighting wars you don’t even understand.” Holden pleaded, pulling his hand higher up her arm to rest on her bicep tenderly.

“And you think Celine would have me doing anything different here? I would be doing the very same thing… Working for someone I don’t know if I can trust, and fighting wars I don’t know how to win. I assume there’s a reason you never wanted me to meet her, right? I know how she treats you, Hold.” Her voice was high, as she shook her head side to side. “So what's changed all of a sudden?” 

Pausing for a moment to wait for his reply, she sighed and when he offered none she proceeded. “Exactly. At least this way… I can help people. I can save people who think they're broken beyond repair. People like me. This way I can actually make a difference. I can be something… more.” Sliding her hands to either side of his face she continued with a softer tone, accentuating her first word. “If you would have waited to let me finish… you’d have known that I want you to come with me.”

After a moment he smiled fully, pulling his hands to the sides of her face mirroring her own soft grasp on his. Tilting her head up, he looked deeply in her eyes. After a small bite of his lip he started again. “Celine won’t like it… But, I don’t care. God knows I will never measure up to Bash… She probably already has a handful of goons ready to take my place anyway, right?” His voice lowered to a whisper as he pressed his lips to hers softly.

Jane pushed into him after a moment of slight hesitation, giving into the idea she wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him deeply. Pulling her mouth from his she held her eyes tightly closed. Tilting her mouth away as he tried kissing her again, deciding once and for all whether or not this was the right choice…

“I fucking… I knew… s-something was…” Juliet’s voice cut through them like glass pulling them apart abruptly. 

Removing their eyes from each other they darted toward their friend… Juliet's sapphire eyes pooled with large drops of tears. Ones she wouldn’t let escape those fury filled eyes. She was standing still with arms lose to her side.

“Jules…” Jane spoke gravely as she pulled a hand to her lips, wiping away where he had been moments before. Her own eyes growing larger, filling with tears of her own. She however wasn’t as skilled at holding them in. A small wet beed ran from her emerald eyes down her freckled cheek as she swallowed. 

“I knew he had a thing for you, Jane. But I didn’t think that my best friend would… that you could…” Juliet’s eyes grew dark as she stepped closer to them. Each word louder than the last. “You had everything… Your whole perfect little life. But you couldn’t just… be happy for me, could you?” 

“Please it’s… not like. It’s not wh… I can expla—.” She began staggering each word, her mind drawing a blank on what to say. Knowing she had been caught. Knowing there was no way out of this.

“It’s not her fault. I started this. From the very beginning. I should have just… I’m sorry.” Holden stepped forward with arms outstretched, docile and unthreatening offering his surrender. 

“I don’t care if you're sorry. You were just going to leave me here, all alone. After everything. No… I couldn't let that happen.” Juliet spit back without looking from Jane.

“I— I. He… I wanted to tell you… But. It just…” Jane’s voice trailed off, thinking on Juliet’s reaction. 

“Jules… You didn’t say anything to Celine did you? Did… does she know?” Holden asked as his voice changed an octave. He began shaking his head as he saw the look on Juliet's face confirming his suspicions. “You have no idea what you’ve done.”

“Jules, you didn’t… I’m— I’m leaving. I’ll go…” Jane paused her words as she slid her eyes to Holden briefly.

“Do you think any of that matters now, Jane? You've ruined everything. I never want to see you again.” Juliet’s voice stung like a bite full of poison it spread through her body, each second pulling her deeper into the prison of her words.

“You don’t mean that. This… Juliet. I’m—” Jane finished as more salt filled tears escaped her beryl eyes. 

“Enough, you puerile children.” An unfamiliar voice spoke from the distance. It was cold and smooth. Unrecognizable to Jane, but by the looks on both Juliet and Holden’s faces she could tell they knew just whose it was. 

Holden’s face tightened as he pulled his lips closely together, Janes own eyes lowered in slight confusion as she felt anxiety rise within. The look Holden gave her was pervading, and the terror which he wore now spread throughout her own body.

“Who… who are you?” Jane finally questioned already knowing the answer. Noticing her breath quickening as she felt her heart racing with its pound behind the cage of her ribs. 

After a slow cold laugh, the woman stepped into focus placing a long arm around Juliet’s shoulders. “I think you know who I am. I sure know who you are… I have been so curious to meet you.” She smiled eerily as she pulled Juliet into a tight uncomfortable side hug. “Be a doll and get out of here, Juliet. Holden and I will be seeing you soon.” Releasing her grip on the girl, she nudged behind her at one of her guards, signaling he take her away.

Celine held Jane’s gaze as she step closer to her son, pursing her lips as she made a clicking nose of disapproval as she shook her head slowly from side to side. Wearing a dark red body suit, it looked soft like suede. The style reminded her of those suits the scientists wore in the vids she’d seen back on Mindoir. Back when she had access to vids… Only, this suit had small black buckles linked around her thighs waist and upper arms, with a long black train coming from her shoulders like a cloak. Jane slid her gaze to Celine’s face, noting how young she still looked. Her eyes may have been hardened, but she sure was beautiful. But there was something uneasy about them… it almost seemed like there wasn't a person in there anymore. Her light brown hair hung in loose curls, and those purple eyes sometimes seemed to glow a bright green.

“My son… My beautiful, imbecilic boy. You never cease to amaze me with how different from Sebastian you are. Never as smart or as strong… Always following that big soft heart of yours.” Walking to her son she extended a hand caressing the side his face with the back of her palm. “How many times must you make this decision?” She whispered, as he shot her a look of bewilderment.

“Pity.” She ended with a red gloved hand tightly on either side of his mouth. 

A look of discomfort spread across Holden’s face until she released him forcefully with a sigh before turning to face Jane. “Let me get a good look at you. I just have to see what has everyone so worked up.” Crossing her thin arms as she turned on a heel, sending a free finger out; a thin malachite haze sept from her hand causing Jane to stand up straight unwillingly. 

The static haze causing her to walk a few steps, and spin a full circle. As she fought the control Celine eyed her up and down carefully. She spun Jane a few more times as she slid a hand to her neck and began spinning a small gem between the rings of her necklace. 

“Let me go.” Jane growled through terror filled eyes, knowing the sound of her fear would be heard through her undertones. Now she really could see what had everyone hiding… 

“I’ve got to say, Holden. I don’t really see what the fuss is about.” Finishing over her shoulder towards her son, she didn’t turn. Only using those violet glowing eyes to glare down at Jane, searing her skin beneath them. 

“Enough, Celine.” Holden stepped closer to them with arm raised. By the look his mother returned Jane could see she wasn't used to being told what to do, and she didn’t seem to like it.

“I can’t do this anymore. I won’t.”

“You don’t have much longer to decide, Holden. You don’t have to keep making the same decision. It can be different this time...” Celine's voice wasn’t as cold this time, she sounded sincere. In this moment Jane was released from her grip and noticed the haze of green slip away from her purple eyes. 

“If I stay here I’ll end up dead alongside Bash.” Holden stepped closer to his mother, arms still passively raised. 

“You will die if you leave.” Her voice almost cracked as she pulled her head down burying it in a hand.

“Please don’t force me to be like him.” Holden reached an arm out towards his mother.

“Don’t kid yourself, you are nothing like Bash.” She pulled away, eyes filling with a green fury again. A dark seriousness rung her voice as she spoke. Her fingers raised to point at Jane. “This girl’s path is one lined with death and destruction. You will die if you choose her again.” Her voice was quick and confident, even though her words sounded crazy. 

“Goddamn it Celine, stop telling me I’m going to die.” Holden couldn’t help but yell, it was getting a little overwhelming for him to her the words so casually. 

“Holden, there is so much more happening here than you could possibly understand.” Stepping closer to her son once more, she pulled her slender fingers to either side of his face again, this time she held his face softly. “You don't have to do this.”

“No, mom, you don’t. I never will be this ruthless leader you want me to be... Bash had something I don't. You have it... How many times are you going to fail at controlling me, before you realize you just can’t?” 

“I’ve seen where the road you desire takes you… I hoped you could finally change it.” She slid her thumb back and forth over his cheek softly. “I see now that we are all just playing our parts... The same parts over and over again.” Her voice was a whisper as she placed her lips to his forehead setting a long kiss beneath them. Before her lips left him, she slid a weak hand out to the side outstretching her fingers wide as they light up in a light green hue. A small twitch of her finger and Jane was pulled to the air, grabbing her neck as she was held in an electric fog. “This is the only way I can change things… ”

Simultaneously with her free hand she flicked it ever so slightly locking Holden in place as his eyes filled with terror. “Cel… m-mom… what…”

“You’re absolutely right, Holden, I’ve been going about this the wrong way. Of course I can’t control you, not like this.... Not yet… I didn’t want things to be this way, you have to believe me my son. But you left me no choice... Forgive me please, you’re part of something so much bigger...” Her voice grew dark as she slid a thin blade into the base of his neck. 

Jane watched as Holden’s face reacted to the pain as she pulled the knife out, the dark fluid slipped from a small wound on his neck. She screamed and thrashed about in her emerald prison. Searching her brain for any answer that would satisfy her confusion. How could Celine just kill him? That was her son… but she… she just…

With another tired and defeated sigh Celine waved a hand dropping both of her targets to the ground in a loud thud. Jane slid her bare knees across the ground as she rushed towards his now lifeless body… Blood pooling in a almost black puddle around them. Screams of pain and loss left her lips as she pulled his face into her lap. His warn blood spilling over her legs and hands, every inch fanning over her like thick syrup. The ripple of shock sending cold chills down her spine, pulling her bones into a steady quiver beneath her skin. For a second, she felt like she was somewhere else… Like she wasn’t on Olor anymore. Like she wasn’t holding Holden but… someone else. Someone not human. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

For a second when she looked down she saw a turian… One with a deep blue stripe across his nose and mandibles, with a fresh bloodied bandage on the right side of his face. The same one from before… 

_No. That’s not right._

Moving her eyes from Celine to the body once more, the scene had returned to normal... The blood that covered her was no longer blue, she was no longer holding the life into the turian she had a feeling she knew… Now she held Holden. His blood a deep red with his eyes holding nothing behind them. 

“How… how could you do this?” Jane asked, her voice soft at first but slowly it turned into a deep growl as she focused back on the limp body she held. “He was your son! You just kill everything you can’t control?” She stood dripping of his cruor and lunged towards Celine. Before she even made it a foot, the thin deathly fingers rose engulfing Jane in a dark green electric mist. Once again the energy held her in place.

“Look here now, Janey. There’s a lot more going on than your tiny little brain can process.” Stepping closer with her mouth hanging open slightly, she pressed the tip of the blade to the side of her pale neck, tracing the brown dots. “I really don’t see what is so special about you... Why do they need you alive so badly? Enough to make me…” She slipped for a second, but after a shake of her head she cleared her throat and began again. “You look like any other poor little orphan to me. Plain. Simple. Average.” Smiling balefully she tucked a stray strand of cerise hair behind Jane's ear. 

“You don’t know anything about me.” Jane snarled as she tried holding back her tears of anger.

“Quite the opposite actually. I know every little thing there is to know about your mediocre little farm life, Miss Jane Amelia Shepard. For some reason it’s you. It’s always been you, and it will always be you.” Celine paced the area still keeping Jane bound tightly. “But don’t let it get to that pretty red head of yours, though. You should know that one day, not that far from now… you will die. It might seem like you’ll live again, and for awhile you do... But there is a much longer sleep that awaits you when you’re finished.” She lowered the knife finally, still holding her face only inches from Jane’s.

For a moment it seemed she would elaborate her riddles. Instead she only smiled and changed the subject. “Now, you can either run... Go get on your shuttle and forget about all of this. Or you can try to kill me... But know that if you stay, you will die today.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? You’re bat shit crazy you old b—” Jane growled her words, but was stopped when she felt a sting of green energetic fingers clenching her throat. 

Celine’s hand not touching Jane, but inches from her neck held high in a tight knot controlling the grip that pulled the air from her lungs. “We both already know how this goes, Jane. We've been here before.” She smiled as she relaxed her outstretched hand and dropped Jane coughing to the ground. 

_Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip._

She's drifting in and out of consciousness. In and out of memories of Olor and Omega and flashes of that damn ship. She has deep red blood on her hands. But sometimes it’s blue… 

“Come on. Wake up." Damien pulled her head back forcefully in a fist, as he slap and shake her face in attempts to wake her. “Janey… Come on now, Janey. Wake up, now." His words quickened as he lowered his ear to her mouth. She wasn't breathing. “Aw, fuck. Help me get her out of here…” 

The two men removed the bondage locking her arms and legs in place. Not so carefully they lifted her from the chair, placing her on the ground. Through blurred eyes she can see they're alone and that Juliet had left them to attend to whatever plan she had laid. Shepard lay unmoving as they tilted her head back and began pressing on her chest. As the other man placed his mouth on hers she pulled a leg up and kneeing him in the head. Using his own force against him she flipped her hips upwards and around as she wrapped her other leg around his neck locking him beneath her; all the while grabbing the pistol that clung to his hip. With a small bloody smile she held it to Damien’s neck as the man below her stopped moving with a turn and crack of her knee. 

“Now… Janey… Don’t do anything you’re going to regret.” 

“Don’t call me Janey,” With the barrel to his chin she finished. “fucker.” She pulled the trigger as a soft mist of blood speckled her face.

 

—————————————————————————————————————————————————


	15. We are times subjects, and time bids be Gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Finally :) This is an intense chapter. Or, at least it was intense to write so I hope you guys like it. It is a lot! But I have SOOOO much planned for this and I'm so excited ;.;
> 
> Thanks for reading! <3

“This… Garrus something is… How long have we been here?” Miranda stopped suddenly as she lowered her gun to the side shaking her head. With a gloved hand she scratched her forehead uneasily. It was clear they were all on edge, but Miranda especially didn’t like feeling powerless. After the smallest tingle ran through her she glanced around with an overwhelming sense that she was being watched. 

“I don't know… I can’t— I don’t remember.” Garrus replied through a deep growl as he eye his other companions, the wave of discomfort he had previously ignored began to wash over him. “Do any of you know how long it’s been?”

Grunt let out an agitated noise of confusion as he return his shotgun to his back and circle the space between them. Kaidan merely shook his head back and forth under a lowered brow. After a exasperated sigh he joined the conversation. “I have no idea… When was the last time you called to the Normandy? Are… did they send Team Hammerhead?”

Garrus thought about it for a second but he couldn’t remember a damn thing. He couldn't remember if they even talked to the Normandy since landing, and by the looks of it neither could anyone else. Turning swiftly he raised a hand to his fringe and tried his best to place time around them. The last thing he could clearly remember was docking on the Rosalind. Fighting those… those things… that smell. And then… nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“Do we… how did th-“ Miranda stepped forward as her breath quickened, adding a thickness to the air. Truly feeling at a disadvantage for the first time in her life, it really wasn’t a feeling she enjoyed or cared to keep around much longer.

“How can we just not know ho-“ Kaidan started over Miranda in his own confused fluster as he process the chain of events.

“Those thin-“ Miranda interrupted with voice raised an octave louder. Her nerves began running rampant alongside her feelings of weakness.

“Everyone! Please, you need to breathe.” Garrus’ growl was loud and thunderous as it broke through their collective chatter. When he started again he tried for softer and more relaxed, but his undertones still told a different story; a story of doubt and discontent. “The last thing I remember is docking and killing those things. Is it the same for all of you?”

No one offered an idea as to what was happening, but they all nodded softly in agreement. After another moment of silence Garrus turned attempting a call to Joker. “Normandy, do you copy… Joker… EDI?”

The look of realization they all shared eclipsed Garrus in a thick disorientation. What the hell was going on? Where was Shepard and more importantly was she alright? Hadn’t they been fighting enemies this whole time..? 

No… they hadn’t. Or had they and they just couldn't remember?

Nothing around them provided any answers and the more they thought about it, the more lost in time they seemed to fall. The walls seemed to speak and change as they trailed the hallways inching deeper into the pits of the starship. There was a strange pulse that seemed to vibrate around their feet shaking them to the core, and every so often a gush of green colored steam would whistle through the vents above them. The further they stepped the stranger they all felt. That sickly wave gurgling through them as they walk deeper into the darkness.

As they crept further into the starship that feeling encased them. Growing anxious as they each loose touch with reality little by little. Miranda would hear whispers and snickering around her… Kaidan reacted to explosions within his mind no one else could hear… 

Was this real? Was any of it real? 

But even in their delusion they remembered their goal. Find Shepard and bring her home. So they checked each room they passed. Each ignoring the ghosts they denied were haunting them. No matter how many doors they opened though, they were only met only by emptiness and more confusion. 

As they walk through a large corridor with guns at the ready an inexplicable sense washed over Garrus. Something told him that there was much more to this than a simple kidnapping, that they’d… that they’d been there before. But how? It just wasn’t possible was it?

“I don’t like this. We should turn around.” Miranda stopped in place speaking with a thick uneasiness in her voice.

“You’re insane if you think I’m leaving her on this ship.” Garrus turned towards Miranda with facial plates lowered in discontent as he push off the light fog building in the pits of his stomach. 

“We can’t even be sure she’s here, Garrus. Look around you, this is all wrong. This ship… I know you feel it too.” Lifting an arm to the walls with emphasis, she noticed they seemed to be growing darker as she spoke, changing before her eyes…

“She’s here Miranda and I’m not leaving without her.” His voice was a whisper as he narrowed his eyes down on her in attempts to ignore the darkness he felt creeping closer. Clenching his fists as an overwhelming sense of dread and failure twisted at his feet, slipping in under his plates.

“I’m not suggesting we leave her. I’m suggesting we get to the Normandy and get the rest of our squad. We’re underprepared… you aren’t thinking clearly.”

After a brief minute of hesitation, he shook his head looking back to her softened face. “No. We keep going.” Finishing abruptly he continued walking ahead towards a narrow dark hallway, each step away filling him with more guilt and determination.

“This is a mistake.” Miranda’s voice was grave as she avoided moving her eyes to the shadows crawling up her limbs. 

“No, the mistake was me letting this happen in the first place. The mistake was me telling her—” Garrus stopped a few meters ahead, exhaling slowly as he shift his weight uncomfortably and look to his feet.

“What happened on the Citadel, Garrus?” She asked abruptly a hint of the usual Miranda piping through in her undertones. 

“We had a… thing.” He lowered his growl to a softer purr feeling the shame of sending her off surrounding him. Feeling the guilt of pushing her away return... Regretting again in full that he could be so cowardly and pathetic.

Slowly he turned to face her again and as if on queue he saw her… Just passed Miranda's dark hair he saw Shepard standing there just like she had all those months ago. Only she didn’t look like any version of her he’d seen before. No, this time she looked very, very dead. Her skin was pale and flaking off in small waves as if she were suspended in water. Her long crimson hair flowed just the same around her face and her suit was burned and broken. She wasn’t bloodied or beaten, she just looked like she had all life sucked from her.

All of her normal light and liveliness was drained as she step closer to him, flowing with each airy footstep. Garrus remembered all the times he’d seen her dead in his dreams. But this was truly something else. It was so real— too real. She looked so different this time… like this wasn’t his Shepard, but somehow it still was.

Noticing Miranda begin to glance behind her, he stopped himself from staring further and blinked the phantom figure away just before she reached an arm towards Miranda’s shoulder.

“Garrus whatever happened… it’s not why she’s here.” Miranda hoped the tone she had taken would be comforting, but what did she know? Perfect genes and she still didn't know how to be a good friend. “But we can’t lose control here… We need backup. We need our team.”

“We need Shepard.” Grunt said flatly as he cross his arms and lean on a crate forcefully, of everyone there he seemed to be the least effected by what was happening. Almost as if he wasn’t being effected at all, well besides the memory loss.

After the slightest of nods to Grunt, Garrus turned to Miranda again. “You followed me here because you knew I could bring Shepard back. Now I need you to believe that I will. If you want to go back and get Team Hammerhead I won’t hold it against you. Hell, I don't even blame you. But I’m not leaving this ship until I find her.” Garrus lightened his gaze a fraction as he look to her from down the hallway. After a brief sigh he tilted his head and finished. “She’d say the same thing if it were you in here.”

Miranda looked down feeling immediately guilty at his words. “Look, I know how this must feel for you, Garrus. Trust me, I do. You were there with Orianna and Shepard she’s— she’s important to me too. But I don’t think we can handle what’s down there without backup.” 

“How do we know they're not already on their way in here? Chances are the second we lost contact they've moved forward with the plan… Whoever’s ship this is knows we’re here, we have no choice but to stay focused and see this through.” Garrus finished sternly behind stiff plates and tight mandibles. 

“I suppose you’ve got a point... Look if I’m being honest, I don’t quite feel like myself in here. There’s something happening to me. I’m seeing…” Miranda turned from Garrus as she pulled her lower lip into her mouth breathing in deeply, ignoring what she noticed moving besides her. 

“Seeing what, Miranda?” Garrus’ voice raised in suspicion and slight concern, wondering if she too had been seeing Shepard…

“It’s not just her…” Kaidan added as he crossed his arms uncomfortably. “There is definitely something going on here. If I had to guess I’d say we’re being drugged.”

Miranda pulled her hands around herself in a light hug, rubbing her arms up and down as if she were cold. After a moment she darted her face toward the corner before continuing. “I suspected as much.” Pulling up her omni-tool she began a diagnostic scan on her system. 

“According to this I have high-levels of Lucenari in my bloodstream… Well, I can’t say I’m that surprised it’s very effective. Quite expensive as far as hallucinogens go, and it’s rather difficult to find since the ban, but not unheard of. Just a warning... it can be quite a bitch. Uses your own mind against you, and as you all noticed it impairs memory.” 

“Will it kill us?” Grunt lumbered closer as he spoke behind gritted teeth in his usual strong yet stoic voice, still feeling rather unaffected by the hallucinations. He may not have been seeing things but not even his pure krogan genes granted him immunity. 

“No, it shouldn’t. It’s relatively harmless considering but that is in small doses. And that doesn’t include what people do to themselves while under its influence.” When Miranda continued this time she tried for stern. Remembering just how easy it was to spiral under Lucenari she forced herself to focus and ignore the voices. For a moment the room seemed to change around her. “So I suggest we all keep a level head. The effects usually wear off within a few hours, so we’ve either been here less then that or…” Ending as she look to the creaking vents above them.

“Considerably longer. Who knows how much time has actually passed. I don’t know about you guys, but I feel like I’ve been here for… I don't know. A long time.” Kaidan said as he stepped closer to Garrus. He felt it low in his stomach that more time had passed than a few hours. But if it had, just how long had they been on that ship? How long had they been searching for Shepard?

“If you’re suggesting what I think you are, then yes. There is a chance we’ve done this before.” Miranda added, and finally her apprehension was shared as she step into the hall alongside Grunt.

“I guess we better stop wasting time then.”

 

——————————————————————————————————

 

Jane breathed heavily in place for a few moments after she pulled the trigger; feeling the crumbled bones from the man beneath her. She could feel the warm blood that speckled her face begin to run in some areas. After a few deep breaths she slid an arm to her face wiping the blood into a mess of smears. Lifting her eyes to the corner of the room she noticed movement, this time Garrus wasn’t bleeding but he was staring at her with no expression at all. 

“You’re not him.” She coughed out weakly at her hallucination. Shaking her head as she pushed herself off the ground looking away from him. “You’re not real.”

As she acclimated to the room, she noticed several pieces of equipment she’d never seen before. But most importantly, she finally found the source of that damn dripping. That steady drip of water that had been taunting her for god knows how long was coming from a lone sink in the corner. Something low in her gut told her things weren’t as they seemed here, or maybe she was just really high… But she went to the dripping anyway and began washing her arms and face slowly. Flinching at the small stinging pricks she felt as the water trickled over her partially healed wounds. 

When she looked to her reflection she saw Holden standing behind her. His neck was dripping that dark red blood from that night on Olor. She watched silently as his reflection grew paler with each drop of blood that left his body. After another moment she closed her eyes tightly burying her face in a fistful of water. 

“You’re drugged… It’s not real, Jane. None of this is real. Focus.” She told herself as she lean over the sink heavy in defeat, silently begging herself to stay sane… Noticing a part of her wasn’t listening. “Find your armor. Get off this ship.” 

After another moment of hesitation she opened her eyes slowly to see her own broken and bruised face before her. Jane did not look good, but she'd definitely had worse, and once again she was thanking those fancy cybernetics Miranda installed… Broken and stained with blood or not, she was finally alone in that room and had a moment to think. 

That sweet moment of peace didn’t last long, she almost immediately noticed blood filling the room again. It started from the corners as it made its way towards her in overflowing pools of dark red and blue. She stood stiffly watching as it inch closer to her, watching as the smaller rivers of red mixed into the larger pools of blue forming a purple so dark it was almost black. Mere seconds before it reached her feet she lifted them and stepped aside choosing again to ignore it.

As she looked back where she stood moments before the blood had vanished and she was alone… Jane pulled her hair into a tight knot as she ring the light bloodied water from the strands. Pulling her lip in lightly as she remind herself that none of what she’d seen was real… 

She had to get ready. She had to get out. 

Piece by piece she picked up her armor around the room placing them where they belong across her body. As she slid the familiar albatic to their rightful places she replayed the moments when they had been removed. Never having expected she’d be seeing Juliet again, this all was quite the shock. Not with the way things were left on Olor. But I guess she should have seen it coming after she met that human on the Citadel all those weeks ago, right? Jane hoped that maybe it was someone else… not Jules. But she couldn’t help but asking herself, why now? 

Why would Jules come for revenge all these years later? And more importantly what exactly was she making her pay for… She didn’t kill Holden, Celine did. Yeah, Jane was guilty of being a shitty friend but she was barley 18. Just a stupid child that kissed the wrong boy and had to live with the consequences ever since. Clearly, Juliet didn’t see it that way and she hadn’t moved on. But there had to be more to it, didn’t there? She couldn’t be mad for 12 years because of a few kisses could she? There must be some other reason Juliet was holding on so aggressively… Whatever it was, it was good enough for her to drug Jane and muster a plan to make her friends pay for it. 

Even in the fog there was one thing that made sense to her. There was no doubt that Celine was involved somehow… If she could count on her eyes that is. Jane would have to believe that Jules had whatever the hell Celine did on Olor. There was something about the way it felt that told her this wasn’t some normal biotic ability. 

No, there was something behind Juliet’s eyes that she recognized. She had seen that same look in Celine all those years ago. Jane could speculate as much as she wanted but what did she know truthfully. How could she be expected to tell the difference between reality and her imagination when she was seeing dead people regularly.

Deciding she couldn’t she chose to accept it for what it was: an unknown. When she placed her last piece of armor on she felt the familiar tingle of her shield popping on around her. Releaseing a sigh of relief as she slid her fingers down the right side of her arm, immediately feeling grounded by the red and white N7 stripe beneath them. When she was ready she slowly stepped toward to the door with hand raised toward its center.

As she press the big green button the mechanical door fizzed and she pulled her breath in quickly ready for anything. When she was met with only a dim corridor she released her breath looking to the left then right. Each option was dark and they both seemed to go on forever… When she looked down to her omni-tool it appeared momentarily before the bright orange hue flickered and disappeared from her arm. 

“Fuck.” Jane let out under her breath all manner of frustration and delusion spreading through her. She lost her vision momentarily as a wave of whatever that shit was spread into her causing her to fall to the ground in a dizzy haze. Leaning weakly against the inside frame of the door she decided her fate, pulling herself to her feet. 

Left. 

As Jane slowly walk the hall she realized she couldn’t place how much time had passed. She couldn’t even begin to guess, because time suddenly had no reference to her. Was it even the same day? When was the last time she was on the Normandy? Another exasperated sigh later and she heard it… it was quiet at first. But from about 5 meters ahead she could hear it… laughter.

The dimly lit hall appeared to have a strip of light shining through one of the doors ahead, as she lift her heavy feet forward the laughing grew louder. She could almost make out the muffled voices… it was a child and a man. When she reached the door she pulled herself carefully into the doorway, knowing what wait for her inside but also knowing it couldn’t be possible. 

In the big open room was a little girl with long red hair… The girl was being play chased by a tall gingerly man. They were in her childhood home, just like she knew they’d be. She watched herself running with her dad and she knew it wasn’t real… It couldn’t be. 

Knowing it was a hallucination didn’t stop her from watching though. Watching herself laugh and play carelessly in the familiar space shook her to the depths of her core, but she couldn’t look away. Everything was exactly how she remembered, only the floor was blackened. The furniture was rotted and burned to a smoky crisp. But still they ran in circles around the room almost as if on a loop, unfazed by any of it.

She watched as the girl fell into a table busting her chin and as an eruption of bright red blood poured into her small hands. When her small body tumbled Jane raised a hand to her own chin. Knowing that scar had been removed since Lazarus didn’t stop her from checking for it. And as she thought about her own death and pain those happy innocent laughs turned to shrill piercing screams.

Jane shook her head forcefully as she stepped backward into the hall. Those screams were too much… it was too much. As she backed into the wall she watched the mechanical door close with a hiss bringing her silence.

“It’s not real.”

Creeping forward in the smoky hallway the walls almost didn’t look like a ship anymore. They looked more like one of the human houses on Mindoir… And other times they’d look like the tunnel she’d crawl through every day on Olor. With each step pulling her forward, she felt her feet growing heavier as her shoes filled with lead.

But she had to keep going… she had to get out of there. 

The next room she approached seemed to be playing music and when she walked to the door she knew immediately what day it was. Jane saw herself standing again with her father… He was showing her how to dance as her mother sang comfortably from the couch wearing that big smile. They were all laughing as her father twirl her like a ballerina, her crimson hair following in a perfect tornado around her. She watched as the scene began melting… as her furniture turned black again and lifted from its place in light fiery specks of ash and flame. Watching as the laughter stopped and as her father urged her to leave… Yelling for her to hide… 

Then their screaming surrounded her… She could smell her neighbors and friends flesh burning all around her as strong as she had that day.

Jane dropped to her knees watching as her father was gutted and as her mother’s throat was slit… She hadn’t seen it before. She had hidden that day but now she was seeing it before her eyes as if she were watching a vid. And this time, she watched herself be murdered too…

“Stop it.” She closed her eyes, covering them with her hands. “It’s not real, Jane. It’s not real.” 

Pulling herself to her feet again, she continued forward… She might not know what horrors were ahead, but she had to get through it. She had to get home.

The next door Jane passed opened briefly to that day on Olor; to the day Celine killed Holden. Jane could hear her insane rambling whisper around her again. The whispering grew loud and cluttered as it slid through her ears and fanned out across her mind. All she wanted was for it to stop. But it didn’t, it just seemed to grow louder. Until it was so loud she couldn't take it anymore. Pressing her palms to the side of her head she leaned back on the wall behind her and screamed. As she slid down to the ground she noticed the blood seeping from each crack in the closed door across from her.

“Are you having fun, Janey?” Juliet’s cold voice boomed around her from a loudspeaker. 

The second she spoke the blood Jane was seeing disappeared, and the hall was immediately brighter. “What… what the hell did you do to me…”

“You’ve been drugged… hello? Janey, please try to keep up. What are you seeing if you don’t mind me asking? I hear it’s different for everyone…” The deep booming seemed to stretch and grow as it started forming beside her. Now when Juliet spoke her voice was heard simultaneously from the loudspeaker and from the 16 year old version that sat besides Shepard. “I’ve heard that this experience can be rather… well, traumatizing to say the least.”

Jules was wearing a bright yellow dress and was barefoot as she sat crisscrossed with hands folded in her lap. Both of her eyes were that lovely sapphire blue still, and she had no visible scars. She looked exactly how she did the first day they met, only she had never seen Juliet wear anything like this yellow dress before.

After a soft chuckle a young Juliet sighed before continuing. “I hear there’s usually a lot of blood…” 

Right as Juliet said the words her yellow dress began pooling from her stomach out, as bright red blood spread across the pale fabric. Jane pulled herself up and over as she slid her hands across the wall pulling herself further away from the blood.

Jane began running down the hall as a loud laughter seemed to chase her. She tried to ignore the screams escaping each door that sizzled open when she ran past… All of those screams of pain and betrayal pounded hard in her head and spread through her entire body. She was running so fast her legs grew hot, but no matter how far she went she passed the same rooms over and over again.

After what seemed like an eternity she was stopped as she tripped falling face first into a wet smoldering pile. She didn't have to speculate long to know they are bodies, and she didn’t have to look at them to know whose they’d be… 

Below her trembling hands she saw Liara, Kaidan and Joker. When she slid her eyes to the rest of the bodies she saw Thane, Tali, Samara and Jack… then Grunt, Kasumi, Kelly, and Zaeed. Everyone was there… Her whole team was tossed into a messy a pile of limbs and different colored blood. Breathing out a cry of pain she pushed herself back away from the pile of her friends. The pile shook as each of their arms reached broken and weak toward her. Jane slid back down the hallway with wide eyes; pulling herself further from the black sludge their blood formed until she reached what she tripped over. 

Jane knew exactly who it would be before she turned, because there was only one face missing from that pile. And there Garrus was laying in a pool of his own syrupy blue blood. His entire suit was blackened and it smoked heavily. He seemed to have burns all over his body and face and there were even parts of his armor that were still a bright red as they burn molten. 

Letting a pained yell escape her lips she threw herself over his lifeless smoking body giving in to her nightmares. Feeling them to be dreams, but also sensing their truth somehow. Ultimately she knew it couldn't be real, but she didn't know how to stop herself. She was drugged and delusional and no matter how hard she told herself to fight it she just couldn’t. She was weak and unable to focus because she wasn’t herself… Even before Juliet pumped her full of a bunch of shit she hadn’t been herself, not fully.

Juliet’s maniacal laughter erupting around her again pulled her back to reality abruptly, allowing a single moment of peace. For a few seconds she had clarity and could breath again. When she looked below her Garrus was no longer there, and as she turned to face her crew members, they too had been replaced by a normal starship hallway.

She really was loosing it, wasn’t she?

 

————————————————————————————————

 

“We’re just going in circles,” Kaidan’s voice was sharp as he stopped walking. “and this isn’t working- it says no time has passed at all. It’s been at least…. I don’t know it has to have been at least… time doesn’t just stop moving.”

“No, it doesn’t. But we’ve been drugged, Alenko. You can’t trust much of anything you’re seeing right now. I mentioned this before… Lucenari has a way of getting under your skin, it makes you… you end up being faced with a lot of things you usually don’t want to remember. And you will break if you don’t stay focused.”

“We keep going.” Grunt let out in a low rumble. 

Garrus didn't want to admit it, but he was beginning to lose it too. He was seeing Shepard around every corner and in every room they checked. She’d be standing against the wall or sitting in the middle of the hall and sometimes she’d even just walk beside him. But usually her mouth was full of blood or her eyes were dark and lifeless… Each time he saw her she looked like she’d been killed in a different way. It was more than a little distracting, but he still had hope. He knew those were his projections… He knew she was alive because he could see it right there on his visor...

Some time ago— he wasn’t sure when, but her stats popped back onto his visor. He was sure that was real. It had to be, right? 

The smallest part of his mind told him it was just another hallucination. That same part told him not to mention it to anyone… Garrus knew very well he could be imagining things. Hell, he spent the better part of two years imagining her and he didn't even have drugs as an excuse… But he knew that these stats were real and that they were hers, he could feel it.

“He’s right. We have to figu-“ Garrus started but was interrupted by a twinge of pain throughout his body. 

“Garrus!” Miranda yelled throwing an arm for him.

Before he could react he was pulled quickly into the air from the center of his chest as if he had been suspended by a rope. An eruption of gasps and grunts escaped from the three of them as they stumble to find cover. Miranda had thrown herself to the side once she realized she couldn’t help him. Not yet… 

Miranda peeked her eyes over the top of the crate to see Garrus suspended in mid air, with arms pushed tightly to his chest. His whole body cocooned in a soft green haze that left him completely hopeless. As she slid back to cover, she scanned the room locking eyes with Grunt and then Kaidan, sending a silent plan of commands through eye contact, one she hoped they understood…

The hallway which they stood was no longer a hallway, but a large room like the hangar they had entered on… Could they have been there the whole time? Was it a group hallucination or had they all been seeing something different during their search? Whatever it was Garrus didn’t have time to think about it. The pain he felt was unbearable and he pulled his face tightly clenching his teeth not letting his pained growls escape. 

“So here you are… Garrus Vakarian in the flesh. It’s so wonderful to finally meet you.” Juliet spoke as she step forward lowering him to her level with feet firmly on the ground. 

“Can’t say the same.” Garrus growled through gritted teeth as he glare down at her still over a foot above, trying his best to ignore the stinging he felt throughout his limbs. Trying to ignore Shepard walking closer behind Juliet. Trying to ignore the blood dripping from her mouth and stomach. Begging his eyes to avoid the black burning of her armor and the smell of her skin as it sizzle.

“Phew, Gare. That voice… Mmm, no wonder our Janey is always so worked up.” Juliet turned as she spoke condescendingly running the back of her hand down his mandible. “You know, I wonder if she’d still love you with the other half of your face missing? Or without that cute little fringe of yours. I’ve heard some of the things those humans did to you guys after Shanxi… Do you think they killed your kind before or after they peeled each of their plates off? My guess is after, much more fun that way.” She locked glowing eyes with him, smiling wide. “And— don’t think I don’t see you over there.” 

When she spoke she didn’t look away from Garrus, but by her tone it was clear she wasn’t talking to him anymore. After another quick chuckle she sent both of her hands to the side sending bolts of beryl static into Miranda and Kaidan; holding them in their own painful prisons.

“What is— this?” Miranda yelled with pain lining her voice as she struggled against the sharp sting that poked her skin like needles. 

“Quiet. I’m not talking to you yet.” Juliet snapped pulling her hand into a fist watching as Miranda began gasping for air. Holding her hand tightly to the side, she looked back to the turian before her. “So Garrus, why don't you tell me… Is Jane as fantastic a lay as the Alliance says she is?” Her eyes flickered with joy as she watched his face react to her words. “Oh, you don’t know? Well, my boy Damien could tell you all kinds of things about our dear Jane. Tell you just how she likes it if you wanted...” Juliet didn't break eye contact as she continued holding her hand in a tight fist clenching Miranda’s throat closed. Enjoying every second of red that burned through his predatory gaze.

“Enough! You’re killing her!” Kaidan yelled from across the room as he watched Miranda’s eyes begin to roll to the back of her head… as she fell forward lightly burying her face beneath a head of black hair. “Stop!”

“Oh, you’re no fun.” Juliet huffed and after another second she released her grip with a bored sigh. Miranda didn’t move, she just remained leaning limply in place. 

“I know you’re scurrying around here too somewhere...” Juliet called around the room as she tilt her head side to side eyeing the area. 

“Who are you? What do you want with Shepard?” Kaidan yelled again through his own prison, causing her to look his direction again. 

“Oh, I keep forgetting about you… Must happen a lot on the Normandy. Well, with this one around anyway.” Juliet inched closer to him as she continued whispering enticingly. “Wouldn’t things be so much nicer without him? You could finally have Jane all to yourself like you’ve dreamed about all those late nights…” With a large smile she lifted her arms around his neck resting them lightly in a close embrace. 

At first Kaidan pulled his head back when she touched him… but as she spoke, he eased into her. He found himself unable to resist as he watch her let her emerald words spread through him like a spell. And slowly that painful stinging faded into a soft vibration around him. He listened to her as he slid his heavy envy filled eyelids toward Garrus imagining life without him.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you, sweetie? No pathetic bird to keep you from your girl any longer… With him out of the picture you’ll be there to pick up the pieces...” Juliet leaned closely to his mouth, whispering her words at his cheek. 

When Kaidan looked back to her, she wasn’t the white-blonde woman from before. Now she was Jane Shepard… She still had her arms firmly wrapped at the base of his neck, and she looked almost like she was going to kiss him. “Don’t you want to be with me, baby?” Jane asked as she gripped his neck tighter, digging her fingernails into his neck lightly.

“Y-you’re not her… Stop it. Let go of me!” Kaidan started softly but as he went on his voice raised, growing louder with each syllable.

As he thrash about that dull almost pleasant vibration switched to one that felt like it was burning him alive. When he looked around the room it began to shake and change around him. That’s when he saw the light crystal water filling at their feet. That’s when he heard a nuke begin counting down… Virmire’s nuke. That’s when Shepard’s skin lost its soft color as he watch the blood slip out of three taloned marks on her neck.

“Stop! What are you doing to me?” Kaidan yelled closing his eyes tightly as the noise grew louder within his mind, and the blood slipped up his legs in sick warm waves.

“I’m not doing anything to you.” Juliet laughed loudly as she stroll back to the middle of the room, looking to Garrus as she speak to Kaidan from the center. “Whatever you’re seeing is completely in your head and in your head alone, LT.” When she looked back to him momentarily, he was shaking and mumbling lightly from his forrest colored cocoon. This time when Juliet looked to Garrus she smiled and shrugged innocently. “You think he’ll be okay?” 

Garrus didn’t speak. Something told him that she loved hearing herself talk, and that if he let her she’d go on for hours. It seemed that for now at least she had been distracted enough to forget about Grunt. All he could do was hope that would be enough to get them out of here. He begged the Spirits that Hammerhead would get there soon, but worried that maybe they already were… 

But something also told him that this woman wasn’t entirely herself anymore. At least… not fully. He could see the way her eyes glowed in that same green haze from the soldiers they fought. There was no way that was normal, and a power like that usually came with more than a few catches…

 

——————————————————————————————-

 

Jane walked down that hall for god knows how long… She still had no sense of time and each room she passed offered only more pain and sorrow. The further she got the worse the rooms became. In some of them she’d see flashes of the Skillian Blitz as she watch her friends be gutted or burned alive. In the next room she’d see Garrus standing limply or bleeding profusely from a wound that couldn’t be healed. Sometimes she’d see herself living different lives that she knew couldn’t be possible. 

She’d see herself coughing and crying while she lay next to bodies she’d never seen, but senses she somehow knew. In some of the rooms she didn't look like herself at all, but somehow she knew it was her in there. Each room showing her lives she’d never experienced or deaths she’d never felt. Other times she’d see Holden as a leader or Juliet in that bloodied yellow dress… Some of it she knew she hadn’t done, but for some reason she couldn’t shake the feeling that she had.

“It’s not real… None of it’s real. It’s not real. It’s not real.” Jane whispered as she slid down the hallway wall weakly with eyes glued to her feet. Pressing her shoulder to drag across the surface as she watch her feet rise and fall in a slow rhythmic pace. 

One, two, one, two, one, two, one, two, one, two… 

Jane glued her eyes to her feet as she watch them rise and fall in their hypnotic cadence. She tried her best to block out the yells that pester as she slid across the wall begging for peace. In a flash the air went quiet as her eyes were frozen on a pair of shoes. They were white with pink highlights on them… She knew those boots, she’d know those colors anywhere. 

They were Ashley’s colors. 

Jane didn’t move… she couldn’t. She just stare down at the four feet below her until small drips of rose blood began to decorate Ashley’s perfectly white boots. After a moment Jane slid her emerald eyes forward, deciding that whatever she was going to see she deserved. 

“Why didn’t you choose me, Skipper? I trusted you and you left me there to die.” Ashley spoke croakily, her mouth and eyes were red and there was a large hole in her torso. The wound was dripping as her armor started turning black; Jane watched it spreading from the hole out until the darkness covered her completely.

“Ash… I didn’t want—” Jane closed her eyes tightly as she pull a hand to her forehead. Trying to fight the madness that beg her to join it. “It’s not real. It’s not real.” 

“Oh, I’m real Skipper. I’m standing right here… and I don’t think kissing turians will be necessary.” Her voice was light as if she hadn’t a care in the world. She clearly had no idea her words made no sense to Shepard. 

After a moment Jane opened her eyes again to see her N7 armor had been replaced by her SR1 civvies. Pulling her hands before her, she saw every old scar was there again decorating her ivory skin. When she moved her head to Ashley, she was staring at her with eyes full of concern. She was in her normal blue Alliance issued clothing she wore around the ship, and as Jane scanned the room she saw the rest of her crew standing in a wide circle. There were many other faces she didn’t recognize though, but yet again she felt that creeping itch that she did somehow know them.

“What? What… is this?” Jane asked pulling a hand to her face, running her fingertips over her eyebrow feeling the small scar again. Feeling that this was different...

“Really, Shepard? We’ve been planning this for so long, how could you forget? You’re going to ruin the surprise if you don’t hurry up… You’re always leaving him waiting.” Ashley pulled Jane towards the center of the room where everyone stood quietly with expectant faces. 

Jane couldn’t make out what they were surrounding at first, but when she got closer it was clear it had been her own body lying there. There she was in a thin white coffin with half of her face covered in burns. One of her arms was missing, and her hair was shaved on the same side as her scarring. Jane just look down at her body wondering what the fuck was going on… 

She noticed how long her hair was on one side. It was well past her chest, much longer than it had been when she had been spaced. Actually, it was longer than she had it since leaving Olor… So whatever she was seeing here, well it wasn’t from her accident. But… this wasn’t actually her was it? 

“What happened to… me?” Jane asked calmly as Ashley pulled her into a side hug. 

“You don’t remember? Or… maybe that’s wrong. Have you been here yet?” Ashley asked looking to Jane curiously, her voice was soft and airy— far more bubbly than she’d ever heard it before. 

“Been… where? The Normandy? Ye-“ 

“No… I mean here, Skipper.” Ashley’s voice continued in the same light tone as she lowered her brow and pointed to Shepard’s body. “You can do it this time, can’t you? It needs to be right this time.”

“D-do what? What needs to be—” Jane shook her head noticing all of their eyes moving to her face as they stare blankly. “Do what, Ashley?” 

Ashley’s face lost all expression as Jane grabbed both of her shoulders pulling her attention forward. Noticing out of the corner of her eye that the body in the coffin had changed… Now it was severely burned from head to toe. She wouldn't have known it was supposed to be her anymore if not for the N7 tags… As she moved her eyes back to Ashley, the arms which she held were now burned to a darkened crisp and covered in a thick black soot; the same soot from the hallway.

“What am I supposed to do?” Jane’s voice raised an octave as she shook Ashley by the arms, feeling the sludge slipping over her hands and sliding up her forearms. After another glance to the coffin she saw herself from that night on Olor… She had a small incision in the center of her throat. 

“Skipper… You’ve been here before. You just can’t remember.” 

Jane released Ashley after another moment as she scan the rest of the room. Throwing the blackened soot from her fingertips in hurried circles as the room change around her. The SR1 was on fire and her coffin was no where to be seen. Some areas of the ship she recognized, but others seemed changed. Familiar but also foreign some how… When she turned back to Ashley again she too was missing. 

Turning desperately as the room shift to the SR2, she frantically spin around in confusion. All of a sudden there Garrus was standing in the middle of a bright yellow fire... He wasn’t screaming or acting as if he was in pain, but his clothing was melting away into light waifs of ash. His skin was pulling from his body in thin flakes as the smell of death surrounded her.

“You can’t always save me, Jane. Sometimes I’m not even there… Sometimes you don't make it either.” Garrus familiar purr left his lips, the flames dancing around his waist and lower chest, lighting him in a soft glow. 

“You’re not real.” Jane whispered as she looked to him sternly, taking a small step closer to him. “You’re not really here, Garrus. None of this is real…” Jane was telling herself more than anything. But if she knew it wasn't real why was she stepping closer to him?

“You have to make the right choice this time.” Garrus rasp ran through her, sending a soft chill of familiarity. “It’s almost too late. They can’t keep doing this.”

Jane wanted to ignore the part of her saying it was all her imagination… That this was all just a distraction from the drug. But no matter how many times that part urged her, something else told her to stay. It told her this was different, and some how part of it made sense. 

“A choice of threes as you walk its line.” Garrus face changed as he purred strangely. 

“What?” Jane asked taking another step closer.

“If you’re not careful you’ll always be trapped, floating as you are but nothing like you were…” His undertones ringing like there was someone else speaking alongside him.

“None of this makes any… sense, I-I don’t understand.” Stepping closer again she reached her hand forward… Noticing a bright white light in the corner of the room, growing brighter as she inch closer.

“You must not do what they deem done, and when you’re at the end you will know, won’t you?” He finished as his voice changed back to one she recognized. 

Garrus smiled at her reaching a burned hand to her face touching it lightly before using a blackened talon to tuck a stay strand of red behind her ear. “It all comes down to this, Jane and if you do it right I’ll meet you where we promised.” 

A moment later he turned to ash before her, and as he hit the ground she was left in almost complete darkness. She couldn’t see a thing besides that thin blinding doorway, with a bright white spilling from it.


	16. The Evil that Men do Lives after Them

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NEW CHAPTER! YAY! This is lots of original stuff still, so I hope you enjoy it. :) I'm in the early stages of explaining everything, so don't worry- everything is going to come together!!! <3  
> I hope you enjoy it!

“We’re okay down here… For now. But there is something wrong with this place, Joker. We need to find Shepard and get her the out of here and we need bac—“

“… Need what, buddy?” Joker paused as he shift his attention to the small console to his right giving the now blank scanner a double take as it pulse the emptiness around them. “Garrus… Mako…? Hello, is anyone there? Do you copy…” His voice wasn’t calm or collected; it was rushed, panicked and confused. “EDI, what just happened? My line just— there's no way that’s right— what the shit is happening… This piece of crap scanner says we’re the only ones out here… Run some diagnostics, will y—” 

“There is no need for such measures, the Normandy’s systems are all at peak functioning levels. The scanner is not malfunctioning, Mr. Moreau. The Normandy is the only vessel within a 1000 meter radius… it appears that the Rosalind has vanished.” EDI replied back in her smooth electronic voice. 

“Vanished? What the— are you telling me it pulled a Houdini with our crew on board?” He slid his chair towards the bright blue ball EDI spoke from as he anxiously page Garrus for a fourth time.

“I understand your reference but I do not see its relevance, Mr. Moreau.” When EDI spoke this time her undertones were darker and she even seemed annoyed if that were possible, but as she continued her voice returned to that cool cathodic tone everyone was used to. “My readings exhibit that at the exact moment the Rosalind was untraceable by Normandy scanners, all connections with Team Mako were disabled simultaneously; Suggesting the Rosalind had instantly displaced itself and all those onboard.”

“You can’t just— that doesn’t just happen, EDI…” Joker’s voice was hurried as he turn back to his main console and began clicking away with a heavy sigh. What losing them meant, he wasn't sure. But he really didn't want to find out. “You’re telling me you really can’t read them? Any of them? No vitals- just… nothing?”

“I apologize, but I am unable to provide any valuable information.” EDI’s tone was low as she replied in disappointment. 

“Looks like we’re screwed.” Joker straightened his hat as he tried calling Garrus once more. After a second he shoved his empty mug to the ground in frustration breaking it in two even pieces. “Damnit… Not again...”

“We will find them… Jeff.”

 

————————————————————————————-

 

Garrus woke suddenly thrashing side to side as a blinding white poured over him like a warm blanket. The balmy light was accompanied by a dull echo as it spread through his plates and swam inside his skull. He immediately felt the lightness his missing visor brought and without the comfort he’d grown used to he felt at even more of a disadvantage. As the seconds pass that dim ringing faded and he began making out the shapes around him. Pulling his bound arms again with a heavy sigh, he knew very well he wouldn’t break through them with sheer force. That bright orange hue reminded him of his time in C-Sec and he knew that mechanical glow would keep him there as long as she wanted.

Most would struggle with these kinds of restraints, but Garrus would have no issue disabling their locking mechanism… when he was ready, that is. Knowing how easily he could escape didn’t seem to matter to him though and maybe that was why he was taking his sweet time. Could it be the lack of a challenge that beckoned him to stay put? Was it his curiosity about the woman and her strange abilities?

Maybe it was the freedom he finally felt that was keeping him in this chair. Or maybe he was just tired and even given the circumstances this was a good way to recharge his batteries so to say… Whatever it was, he had resined to not moving an inch and to his relief as he scanned the room he couldn’t see Jane anywhere— at least for now.

It wasn’t so much that he minded seeing her… Hell, he'd give anything to see the real Jane again. But that wasn’t really her and he knew it. There was something about the blood, the missing limbs and strange realness to it all that disturbed him deeply. Nothing he’d seen before was like what he’d seen on the Rosalind… Everything here was far too real and it wasn't exactly what you'd call comforting.

After another moment he forced himself to focus again. Slowly sliding his eyes around the room he noticed Kaidan to his right and Miranda to his left, both bound the same as he— there’s the bad news. The good news was he seemed to have clear mind all things considered and he was even hopeful when he didn’t see Grunt beside them. He could be with Hammerhead right now, they could be fighting their way in as he lay there stupidly… Or maybe he was already dead and no one was coming for them. 

Could that be the real bad news?

“Kaidan… Miranda. Wake up!” Garrus whispered loudly through clenched jaw as he examine several consoles lining the room through his hawk like gaze.

Garrus scanned each desk full of equipment and every lumbering stack of datapads as best he could for something— anything. But mostly he noticed that the chairs they were bound to had them connected to a large machine in the corner of the room. As he eye the thick tubing he wondered just what this woman could be planning…

“They’re going to be sleeping for a bit longer, dear. Actually, the girl might be dead now that I think about it… didn’t think to check.“ Juliet’s silky voice stretched from behind him as she pressed a cold sharp needle into the fleshy part of his neck. 

Garrus felt a sharp pain as she push passed the leathery resistance of his skin, puncturing the delicate tissue below it. That pain stretched throughout his limbs like an electric shock as he growl and thrashing about ferociously. “What the hell is that? What did you give me?”

“Oh, calm down, will you? It’s not going to kill you. Well, at least not directly. You are going to die today— in a manner of speaking, but that little prick will be the least of your worries, I promise.” Juliet grabbed either side of his face, squeezing his mandibles tightly beneath her gloved fingers with eyes glowing that same misty shade of green.

Pursing her lips as she eye his fresh scar more carefully. “I saw you get that…” Pointing to his scarred mandible with a lazy finger, she continued with a strange lightness in her voice. “Well, I wasn’t there of course. But they showed me…”

“Who are you?” He growled again as he stare into her ghostly eyes. “What did you do with Shepard?”

There was something inhuman about the way she looked back at him and in the way she spoke. Thinking about the things she’d said about Shepard before was enough to boil his blood again and momentarily he fantasized about ripping her throat out with his teeth… If she got close enough, he would.

“I’m an old friend of your… Commander.” She whispered softly as she scan each of his plates along his face. 

“What can I call you then?” Garrus asked deeply, but as he expected she only click her tongue at him as she shake her finger back and forth. He let out a soft rumble as his eyes narrow on hers, once again feeling the disadvantage of his missing visor. “If you’re old friends, why do all this?”

Juliet chuckled as she pulled herself forward to the end of his metal chair; walking her fingertips from his shoulder then down his leg as she stroll to his feet. She paused as she whisper to herself while staring down in a momentary trance. After another moment she slid her eyes to meet his again as she pressed a button leaning him back a fraction in the chair. 

“I only want a little retribution… a little justice. You of all people can understand that can’t you? Wanting to get back at the one person that fucked it all up for you… I finally have my chance, and I'm not waiting any longer.” After a wholesome smile she started walking slowly to his other side leaning down to run a gloved hand over his fringe softly; spreading her fingers between the crevices.

“Where is she.” Garrus’ face was still pained as he spoke, but he was determined and pushed his words out with strength; pausing between each syllable for emphasis, somehow turning a question into a statement.

Juliet stare at him as she slid her tongue across her teeth behind closed mouth. “Don’t worry, she’ll come for you soon enough.” She clasped her hands together in front of her with a wide smile.

In that moment Garrus realized in part what she was doing… What she wanted to do. “You knew all of this would happen didn’t you? You wanted us to come after her. You wanted us on this ship…” 

“Of course I did.” Juliet's smokey eyes grew brighter and her voice raised an octave.

“Predicable.” Garrus’ rumble was low as he pull back from her grasp once again toying with the idea of killing her then and there.

After a moments pause she continued again emphasizing her first word clearly. “And that is why it is so perfect. I'd bet that once she knows I have you, she’ll come out to play.” Juliet taunted in an almost singsong voice as she continue to stroke his fringe softly. “She’s not going to like what she sees when she gets here though. The rest of my plan isn’t so… predictable as you put it.”

Juliet whispered as her eyes grew brighter, pressing her nails into the spaces between his fringe. She stare at him intensely as she slowly shake her head back and forth before him watching the pain in his eyes. “Have you figured out why you’re here yet, Garrus?”

Garrus didn’t speak at first, but he knew… of course he knew. 

He knew then and there that she chose him specifically because of his feelings for Jane. He wasn't sure how she knew, but she did. In those moments he felt a wave of fear wash over him, threatening to suck out all air from his lungs. Garrus could kill her now- rip her throat out, end it all... But he didn't move. Instead he merely swallowed deeply before finally speaking barely above a whisper... “I know why I’m here.”

Juliet smiled at him indignantly before pressing her cheek to his and whispering. “Good.”

 

————————————————————————————-

 

Jane looked at the ashes below her feet as she replay the last few moments in her mind. When she looked down she was in her Cerberus issued N7 armor… She was back on that damn ship. But for a moment she could have sworn that all of that had been real. That Garrus had really been there talking to her from within the flames, but it felt more like a warning now that she thought about it. But if he'd been trying to warn her about something, she couldn’t understand what it was. His words were mixed, foreign and she knew they couldn't be real- that they couldn't be his... The words left in his voice, and they came from his body; but she knew they weren’t his own. 

She couldn’t stop from wondering though if they weren’t real, and they weren’t his; why then did it feel like she had heard him speak them to her before? Why did they feel real, and most importantly why did it feel as though she had been there before? This didn't feel like being drugged to her. This time, it was different.

As she slid her eyes back to the pile of ashes, she bent down placing her fingers in them softly. Feeling the warmth of their soft pillowy flakes chilled her to the core. Those ashes were real, weren’t they? Slowly she moved her eyes from her blackened fingertips as she rub them together, feeling the silkiness of the fine ash disintegrate between them. As she pull herself upward she realized she had no choice but to more forward. 

Forward toward the bright white spilling from an open doorway. Forward toward the muffled whispering.

When Jane reached the doorway, she raised a hand to her eyes blocking the rays as they dimmed her senses momentarily. The white was too bright and it sent a dull buzzing through her mind. After a moment her disorientation cleared and she began making out her surroundings; she half expected to see more fire or ash. She definitely expected to see someone she knew covered in blood… but instead the first thing she noticed was a man standing with his back toward her in a perfectly normal room. He was typing away at a console as he mumble quietly under his breath. By the looks of it he was too deep in his work to have even noticed she entered. 

Jane wasn’t sure if she should speak or not… She wasn’t sure if this was real or not either, which made it all that much more confusing. But one thing Jane did know was that this room was different; she didn’t feel the same thick fog like she did in the others. As she took another hesitant step forward, she was surprised when she still didn’t see blood. There was no black death tainting the bright white interior and for the first time in god knows how long she felt almost, dare she say it… safe. 

“Damnit…” The man spoke aloud to himself as he raise a hand to the back of his head shaking his dark mop of hair effortlessly in thought.

Jane’s face shuddered as she watch him and for a second he was replaced by Holden… The man’s long white lab coat was replaced by a pair of slim pants and a fitted jacket… the same clothing from the night he died.

“Hol—“ Jane started weakly as she take another step into the room watching as the man shift back to the one in white.

Suddenly he jumped as he turn to face the intrusion; stumbling into the table behind him causing several things to fall to the ground in a loud crash. “Where the fu…” He let out several softer breaths as he push the glasses he wore up his nose and shake his hair nervously. “Uh, sorry… I don’t get many visitors down here. It gets… jumpy.” He paused offering a soft smile. “Did you need som—” His eyes widened as he watch her pull a gun from her hip and point it at him. “Hookay, I guess not.”

Jane’s lips slowly parted as she widen her emerald eyes and soften her face, barely able to speak. She didn't know if she could trust what her eyes were showing her. “You…”

“Me?” His reply was slow as he shifted his weight uncomfortably and tidied his lab coat. He was witching from raising his hands in submission to adjusting his glasses or crossing his arms in attempts to ignore the gun very clearly pointed at him. It was obvious he didn't know what to do, and wasn't used to having guns pointed at him.

“Where are we?” Jane asked as she step closer with her weapon still drawn eyeing him cautiously. The warmth of the room on her face made her feel a little more sane, but still she couldn’t be sure...

“Okay, hey… Um, we’re… on a ship?” He replied softly with his arms raised again in a voice smooth and sweet like caramel. You could hear his confusion lining his words as he ended with a question.

“Whose ship?” She asked again taking another slow step forward scanning his face intently.

“The Rosalind— Look, I’m very confused… You don’t know where you are?” The man asked as he step closer to her with hands still passively raised. “I’m not going to hurt you… you don’t have to point that thing at me.” He smiled lightly as he scan her partially bloodied face. 

“Who are you?” Jane was about two meters from him now and was having a hard time denying she knew the face any longer… she’d know that face anywhere. He looked exactly the same... only, older of course. Like he'd aged normally- like he'd never died.

“I’m Zach.” After a seconds hesitation he stretched his hand out for her to shake as he lock eyes with her.

He was tall, taller than she remembered- and handsome. But… this wasn’t Holden. How could it be?

Jane closed the space between them fully, standing about a foot from his face with heavy eyes as she hold the gun to his temple. “Your name is… Zach?” 

“Zachary Taylor Gannon… Doctor. Physicist. Good Samaritan.” He smiled slightly after an awkward chuckle, before drawing in a breath of air.

“Yo—you don’t… know me?” Jane asked with tired eyes as she lowered the gun after a moment of apprehension. She knew he wouldn't know her, of course he wouldn't. 

“Should I know you?” Zach asked as he lean back into a heel pushing his glasses up anxiously as he raise a brow and cross his arms. 

“No.” She shook her head lightly. “I guess not. You just… you look like someone else I know.” 

Jane knew Holden was dead. She’d seen him die with her very eyes. But this man… he looked so much like him. Identical. She scanned his hands and arms all the way to his neck. When her eyes stopped on the center she saw a small scar just below his Adam’s apple. She shook her head softly as she look to her own hands trying to decide if this was a dream. Wondering if maybe she’d been projecting Holden’s face onto this man’s body… It wouldn’t be the strangest thing to happen to her that day, would it?

“You don’t seem… at all alarmed that I'm here.” Jane tilted her head choosing to ignore the scar she saw.

“Should I be alarmed?” Zach asked again with a more serious face, but his undertones still spoke with lightness.

“No, it’s just… You don’t seem— I mean I just… I came in here out of no where holding a gun to your head and you’re just… just acting really calm.” Jane’s voice filled with question as she crossed her arms and leaned back into a heel following her bodies insctict.

“Would it have been better if I yelled for the guards?” 

“No, I suppose not.” She finished as she run her eyes along the outside room. “So why didn’t you?”

Zach sighed slowly as he pull his cheek in to bite lightly before speaking and Jane could tell by his face that he was selecting his words carefully. “The truth is I thought you were one of them at first... It’s been awhile since I’ve seen a real person around here. And you—” 

The strangeness in his brief sentences didn’t seem to matter to Jane in the end... At first she wondered what he meant by her not being ‘one of them’. Why was he surprised she was in fact a ‘real person’… But even with those more valid questions before her all she could focus on was the ‘you’.

“I what?” Jane lowered a brow pulling her arms tighter across her bust. 

“You just look like someone else I know.” Zach nodded with an almost sad smile before turning back to his console.

 

————————————————————————————-

 

Juliet walked from his side to a near by table and began opening several metal crates. Garrus watched as she pulled each long translucent tube and each needled syringes from the crates again wondering what she could be planning… Slowly she slid each oddly glowing piece of equipment from their resting place, setting them lightly around her. 

Garrus watched in silence as she place each piece into its respective place alongside the corner console… the one they were all attached to. After a few more silent seconds watching she sighed loudly before turning to face him once again. A head tilt later and she licked her lips softly and narrowed her eyes at Garrus as she began walking towards him. 

“Let me ask you something…” She smiled before lowering her mouth to the side of his face whispering softly. “Do you think that’s really Jane running around in here?”

Garrus pulled away under deep furrowed brow. This would be his best chance at her neck… he could strike now and tare her throat out and end this all then and there… but then why wasn’t he?

“I mean, I can’t be the only one wondering if that’s really her, can I?” Juliet cooed softly as her green glow pierce him like a blade. “I’ve seen her many ways… but this is the first time I’ve seen her like this. The first time I’ve wondered if it was really her…”

“What are you suggesting…”

“Oh, come on. Do you really think Cerberus had the ability to bring her back exactly how she was? I don’t buy it… That can’t be Jane in there. That’s can’t be your Jane in there.” With a wide smile she let out a soft hum. Lining her words with honey, pulling him deeper into her trap. “Those scars aren’t the only thing different about her are they?” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Garrus said back flatly, unable to look her in the eyes anymore. His voice boomed loudly with anger and confidence, but his subvocal’s almost told a different story. “I know it’s her.”

“Do you, though?” Juliet turned from him and flicked a finger as the console in the corner powered up in a muffled echo. “Do you really?”

When he thought about Jane in those moments, he could remember every detail about her with perfect clarity. He knew exactly what that brow crinkle meant. What that side smile was… 

That if he found her wide awake up at 1 with a bowl of Blast O’s then she had just had a nightmare. That she hated the quiet even before she had been spaced, because it made her think of death. That she always smelled like lavender because it reminded her of her pet on Mindoir. How she was terrified of heights, but never let a soul know... 

Garrus knew everything there was to know about her… didn’t he? 

“I know her.” Garrus snarled through gritted teeth. He believed the words... he knew they were true. But he could also feel this woman's influence as it sept into him through her silvery voice and glowing eyes.

“Maybe not nearly as well as you think… For example, oh let’s say… have you figured out how to tell when she’s lying?” Juliet paused to chuckle softly into her gloved hand. “Stupid question, you wouldn’t of come here if you had I suppose.”

“Jane doesn’t lie to me.” Garrus said behind stiff plates and tight mandibles, still feeling the truth in his words. But if he knew, why did he feel their doubt?

_You know her. This is what the bitch wants… Don’t give her what she wants._

“I know what you’re doing.” He still wouldn't look at her... And in the seconds to follow he couldn't stop himself from wondering what she meant.

“Oh, I’m afraid she does a lot more then that, big guy… Name Sidonis ring any bells?” Juliet leaned down offering a fake sad smile. “She knows a lot more about your old friend than she’s letting on.”

Garrus didn’t speak at first and instead looked briefly towards Kaidan and Miranda who were both still sound asleep. But after a moment he couldn’t help himself any longer and behind skeptical eyes he replied. “You’re lying.”

“I don’t blame you for not trusting me, I do have you tied up after all… But I’m not lying to you. Ask her, why don’t you?” She paused momentarily to smile before using her hand to pull his face towards hers again, forcing him to look her in the eyes. Juliet’s eyes were wide and bright as they glow in that same menacing green as she whisper to him softly. “Oh, silly me. I almost forgot you won’t be seeing Janey again… I mean, not really.” 

_Sidonis? Lies… What lies? Damnit stop, Vakarian. You know her._

“You won’t turn me against her.” Garrus’ rasp was loud as it spread through to his subvocal’s, glaring up at her under a brow lowered in determination.

Juliet laughed almost too loudly, as if his statement was beyond normal hilarity, those soft smoky waves of green swimming about in font of her envy filled eyes. “You’re strong, I’ll give you that.” She said lightly with a soft chuckle before continuing. “It seems two years dead hasn't really change much for you has it? You’re still just as infatuated with her as you’ve always been…”

“Could say the same to you.” Garrus replied quickly glaring at her from his bright orange bindings. “But something tells me you’ve been holding on a lot longer then that.”

“Longer than you could possibly imagine…” Juliet shoved his face from her grasp and walked to the console in the corner. She began clicking away as light clouds of green carried the tubbing toward her.

Garrus watched her in those few silent moments as she assemble the machine with each flick of her finger… Whatever this thing was it didn’t look good. After another moment she walked back leisurely toward him with head tilted slightly, as if she almost felt sorry for him. 

“Tell me, Garrus. When did you know?” Her voice was deliberate as she watched his face carefully, smiling once she’d successfully shifted the focus.

“It doesn’t matter.” Garrus replied flatly looking past her. Why he even answered, he didn’t know. Why he hadn’t taken his chance at her neck, he didn’t know…

As if on queue there she was, standing in the doorway with chin length crimson hair. He should have known the peace wouldn’t last long… But he felt something different about it this time. When she walk toward him now, she was alive. Shepard was alive and well and she looked exactly the way she had when they first met on the Citadel.

“That long, huh?” Juliet laughed again pulling her hands to rest on her hips as she eye him from her full height, her face planning her next move carefully. “She’s always had that effect on people, I’m sure that’s something you’ve noticed. Must get annoying after awhile… All the people moping around obsessively in love with her. You’ve got the asari, the human, the drell… the turian.”

“Why are you doing this?” Garrus asked suddenly having had enough. Pulling his gaze from his projection of Shepard to the woman’s glowing green eyes.

Juliet’s voice softened as she lowered her face closer to his once again, ignoring his evasion as she stroke the side of his plates softly like you would a pet. “I’m tired of her getting everything… everyone…” She shook her head calmly as she finished in an ominous whisper. “She wont this time.”

“What did she do to you?”

After a soft sigh she leaned over his chair sending him a look of unchecked rage. “She made me what I am.”

 

————————————————————————————-

 

“What are you doing? I need to get off of this ship. Now.” Jane’s voice was maybe a little too eager but she wasn’t sure what to believe, or if she could even trust this person. She couldn’t even trust her own eyes half of the time…

“I just gotta get these readings down now. If I don't— well, I’ll have lost months of research… It’ll only take a second. I know you don't know me, and have no reason to trust me, but you’re the one with a gun, remember?” Zach replied not looking back at her as he type away at the console. 

Jane wondered if he was calling security or maybe planning something worse. But she knew he had a point: She had the gun, and as far as she could tell he didn’t. That and something told her he wouldn’t hurt her even if he could. Maybe it was because this Zach seemed like a good guy… or maybe it was because she was seeing Holden's face every time she looked at him.

_But… is it him? No, don’t be ridiculous…_

After a moment she stepped closer to his console, eyeing the tables she pass. They were filled with numbers, graphs, maps and scattered datapads… It had been a long time since she’d seen anyone using so much paper as a form of collecting data. Now a days everything was digital...

Jane was intrigued to the least and that curiosity spread through her voice when she spoke “What kind of research?” 

“Would you mind if I asked you something this time instead?” Zach turned back towards her, as he pull his lower lip inward biting it softly under a lowered brow. After a breath out he leaned back onto the desk behind him eyeing her peculiarly.

“You want to know who I am?”

“Sure. But that’s not as important to me as how you got here, Miss…” He paused reaching a hand towards her, signaling for her name. 

“Commander Jane Shepard.” She nodded and then shrugged lightly. “I was brought here. Kidnapped I guess, by— let’s call her an old friend.” Jane scanned her surroundings further, making mental note of as much as she could. “Ergo gun and the not so trusty part…” 

“It doesn't look like they treated you very well.” With a small nod he gave her a sad smile and continued. “I’m trying to understand why this friend of yours would bring you here... It's just… it doesn’t make a lot sense.” 

What she wanted to ask was where the damn exit was... If he'd please just point her in the right direction so she could get the hell out of there before she went insane. But instead, that same curiosity got the best of her as she stepped closer to his console. “What do you mean?”

“I… can’t tell you. I’m sorry, but they’ll kill me,” Zach ended calmly as he clasp his hands together in his lap and sink into his desk lean further. “and then they’ll kill you.”

“It’s my job to protect people from those that want to kill them. I won't let anyone harm you, you have my word.” Jane instinctively pat him lightly on the shoulder with a small reassuring smile.

“How do I know this isn’t… some kind of a test?” His skepticism spread through his voice as he spoke quietly sliding his eyes from his feet to meet hers again.

The look she saw behind them was unexpected. Jane could see that he was scared… terrified even. But of what? Was Juliet calling the shots here or was there something bigger happening? There always seemed to something more lurking under the surface and with her track record, she'd bet on the latter. If she were right, maybe having someone on her side wouldn't be such a bad idea.

“It's just like you said... You don’t know me and you've got no reason to trust me. But I think we both know that whatever is going on here… is wrong.” She paused briefly after a reassuring nod. “And If I'm going to make things right, I'll need your help.”

When Zachary spoke this time, all lightness to his voice had drained and he sounded almost defeated. “If I help you... Can you get me out of here?”

“If you want out of here, I’ll get you out of here.” 

“Okay…” Zach said standing as he remove his glasses and rub his face tiredly. He look off to the side of the room as he absentmindedly cleaned his glasses before starting with a little more composure than before. “If you want to leave, well, you're going to have to understand a few things first. I’m not sure I know how to put this in simple terms or without sounding like a raving lunatic to be honest...” 

Zach raised his hands to surrender again when he saw the look she sent him in return. “Not… that you’re simple… I just— It’s very complicated and… crazy. And… someone here took you and they're most definitely going to kill me aren’t they…” His voice trailed off as he shake his head and place his glasses back where they belong.

“Those are my two middle names…” Jane's voice was stern as she tilted her head to eye him more carefully. "No one is going to kill you, alright?" 

“This place… it’s not exactly…” Zach spoke as he nervously shake his leg and hold his bottom lip firmly between two rows of shiny white teeth.

“Not exactly…?” Jane dragged out her last syllable filling with all manner of curiosity and she wondered if at the end of this build up she’d be disappointed. 

“It’s… not exactly…” His voice wasn’t confident and rang with hesitation as he scratch his forehead briefly. "-anywhere."

Jane squinted her eyes as she pulled in a breath full of air and shake her head in question. The bewilderment could be heard clearly in her single syllable reply. “What?”

“It… where we are…” Zach stopped as he pursed his lips pulling a deep breath in. “Yeaaah… I’m serious yo-you’re going to think I’m crazy.”

“I’ve been told I’m very open minded.” Jane raised her eyebrows passively to show she was ready for whatever he had to say as she gesture her hand towards him before continuing in a lighter voice. “Also I’ll shoot you if you don’t tell me. I’m not even convinced you’re really here, so do you really wanna try me?”

“I don’t know you well enough to tell if you’re joking or not…” Zachary said curiously with a forced laugh as he look to her over the rims of his glasses. 

“Care to find out?” Jane replied back just as snappy. She was finally beginning to feel more like herself and wondered if she was free of the drugs hallucinations. 

“I’d rather not…” After another short sigh, he bit his cheek and scratched his head again lightly. “This starship is… special. It wasn’t made anywhere you’ve ever been or by anyone you’ve ever heard of.” Zach paused to examine her reaction momentarily. When he saw she'd been unaffected thus far, he continued just as uncomfortably. “This ship is special… uh, it’s unique. It can well, it can do things that… aren’t exactly scientifically… possible.”

“Alright…” Jane squinted her eyes at him again, trying to gauge if maybe he was messing with her… but she could quickly tell that this wasn't a joke. “What kinds of things are we talking here?”

“You’re really going to think I'm crazy…” Zach replied quietly under a worried brow as he clean his glasses again. 

“I already think you’re crazy.” 

After a small chuckle he nodded and looked her in the eyes again as he slid his lenses back to place. “The Rosalind has the ability to… ultimately travel to other planes of existence. Other… timelines.”

Jane wasn’t sure what she’d expected to hear, but it certainly wasn’t that. “Oh.”

 

————————————————————————————-

 

“You ever going to get on with it, or do you just plan on talking my ear off for a century?” Garrus’ voice was annoyed and tired, but mostly persistent. He still stay trapped in her orange hue, knowing very well he could escape in just a few short clicks… Still wondering why he didn't act, but knowing ultimately it was his curiosity. 

Juliet pet his scarred mandible lightly. “You’d think someone with a fate like yours, wouldn’t be so keen on meeting it.”

“If you want to kill me, kill me.” 

“I don’t want to kill you… not really.” Juliet smiled as she sat on his lap, wrapping her arm around his neck. “You’re the key to it all, Garrus… I’d never been able to pull this off if it weren’t for you.” Juliet pulled her leg over to straddle him with brow furrowed, as she squeezed her hands into tight fists behind his fringe; The bright glowing lighter as it spread around his neck like a electric collar.

“You’re an insane person, you know that?” Pushing the words through his clenched jaw, he felt the pain from the warm static growing sharper as she linked her fingers behind his neck burning a brighter circle around it.

“Irrelevant.” Juliet replied behind a tight face. After a second she removed one hand pointing it towards the strange machines she’d previously assembled. Without breaking his gaze she snapped her fingers as several tubes with large needles attached began floated airily towards them.

“If you don’t want to kill me then… What do you plan on doing to me?” Garrus asked with eyes glued to the luminescent duct, feeling that familiar sense of failure washing over him. He was almost begging himself to act… to kill her and get the hell out of there. But still… he lay. 

“I thought you weren’t scared of me?” She pulled her hand back to stroke his face lightly with the backs of her fingers as each piece of tubing glow beside them suspended in air. 

“I’m not.” He finally moved his eyes to hers again, looking closely at the soft green mist that sept from them. 

“Doesn’t seem that way to me… I think you’re scared that you might not make it out of this one. Scared that she wont be able to save you… Scared what she might turn into after you're gone…” Juliet fully released her electric grip from his neck as she continue petting him softly. 

“She’s not going to turn into anything… You won’t break her. No matter what it is, no matter what you do— she’s stronger.” Garrus felt the pain return as he spoke, it was far worse than it had been thus far and his body contorted in agony. But he wouldn’t scream, he wouldn't let her have that satisfaction.

“I’ve done it before… Sometimes it’s easier. Quicker… but other times, it’s slow. Painful…”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Garrus growled at her, even his subvocal’s reverberated with anger and the light sense of fear.

“You’ll find out soon…” Juliet reached a long gloved hand out grabbing one of the glowing needled tubes beside her. After another second she smiled as she slid the needle into the side of his neck. 

Garrus struggled against it, thrashing side to side and he wished now that he’d made his move when he had a chance… wished he had done something— but he didn’t and now he couldn’t... Had this woman done something to him before to stop him from reacting or was it his own stupidity that got him there?

The bottom line was he didn't try to escape and he knew now he was going to die. 

“What did she do to you to make you hate her so much?” Garrus loosened his face, almost resigning to his destiny...

“She’s done a lot of things to me. Hundreds of lifetimes of things… She’s not always this— saint like… Sometimes she’s the monster.” Juliet’s beryl glow began to fade from her eyes and for a moment they were a normal sapphire and white. She held her brows low and you could tell from her face she was deep in thought. 

In that moment, she looked like a completely different person to him. As if she had been released from some sort of spell. It reminded him of Benezia all those years ago, but he knew this wasn’t indoctrination. He’d seen indoctrination, and this… no this wasn’t the Reapers. Garrus watched as her light eyes began glowing green with power and envy almost as quickly as it faded.

“Whoever you are… she will stop you.” Garrus' voice was soft and his mandibles were lose as he continue to ignore his fate.

“It’s not me she’s going to have to stop, darling.” Juliet traced her finger lightly over the fresh scaring on his mandible and neck as she smile sweetly. “Oh, no no. I’m not going to lay a finger on her…” 

“Wh-what are y… What are you talking about?” Garrus was barley able to get out anything through the lump that was forming in his throat, the feeling of being blindsided was stronger than the strange creeping he felt under his plates. 

“I mean… this Jane, well she’s a little different. I’ve seen her so many times, in so many different ways… But this one, she’s different. Not because of Cerberus... because this one loves. Most of the time she’s never loves anyone, but this time— here, she does.” Juliet was nodding a little too excessively with her eyes widen, she seemed to be loosing more touch with reality as she spoke hurriedly. After the smallest of chuckles she continued in a deeper voice, one that seemed more deliberate and evil. “I realized that’s why they saving her... why they keep doing the same thing over and over and over. It's why they need her so badly…”

“How— who needs her?” Garrus didn't even pull away from her this time, and he ignored the sharp pain pulsing at his neck.

“They do… The ones who gave me this…” Juliet tilted her head to the side to eye him momentarily. After a few slow blinks she pulled one hand before his face spreading her fingers delicately; A bright green erupted around a gloved hand filling the space with light smoke. “I'm sure you’ve been curious… Everyone is always so curious.” She turned her hand slowly before them as she watch the green swirls and sparks collide. 

"I used to be weak like you are.” She pulled both hands to either side of his face lightly. “But they changed me… made me stronger. And now, I’m going to give you the same thing.” Juliet’s glowing eyes stared into both of his intently as she grab another long glowing tube and place it into the other side of his neck. "But you won't enjoy it as much as I do."

That lump he felt in his throat was almost too wide for him to speak at all now. As Garrus watched her face, he felt an overwhelming fear. Fear he didn't try hiding from his voice when he spoke this time. “Ch…change me?”

Juliet didn’t answer him, she merely smile wide stretching her full red lips from ear to ear.

 

————————————————————————————-

 

“I know… I told you. It’s…. crazy. But that’s also why I’m really confused. Why bring you here— I mean, also WHO? Almost everyone here is… they’re different.”

“Different how?” Jane asked as she stroll to one of the nearby tables and pick up a datapad. 

“Well, for starters they’re not human. Not anymore.” Zach didn’t leave his post at his console as he shake his head lightly. But he watched her closely as she circle the room eyeing his life work. 

“You’re going to have to be a bit more specific.” She replied lazily as she scanned the file before her, pulling nothing of importance from it. There were lots of numbers, and since numbers never were a strong point she continued onto the next datapad in reach.

“They were human. They were turian and asari. They were people. Some of them were good people… But they’re not anymore. They…” He paused to sigh as he raised a hand to his head and shook his hair nervously. “They’re just Shells now.”

“Shells?” Jane placed the datapad down as she turned slowly deciding to give him her full attention. 

“Yeah…” Zach nodded as he pull his hands to his hips and chew the inside of his cheek lightly. “It’s what we call them… after.”

“Are you telling me you did this?” Jane lowered her brow in disappointment. Disappointment she didn’t bother hiding from her voice.

“I didn’t do anything. I’m here for a completely different reason… I wouldn’t— do that.” Zach stepped closer to her as he cross his hands in front of him swiftly and shake his head. “That’s not who I am.”

Jane eyed him carefully in the next few seconds. Watching for a tell, for anything that could help her decide about him, but all she could see was someone she used to know. Someone dead…

“They’ve been doing this for… well since the universe was created I guess.” He slid his hand carefully through his hair.

“Who? I don’t understand.” Jane was asking a question, but it seemed more like an order.

“It’s— there’s no time. The guards patrol every hour, and they'll be here soon. If you were brought here it’s safe to assume that someone is looking for you. And if they're is looking for you... well, you won’t be safe here much longer. That is assuming they don't already know you're here.”

Jane crossed her arms and pursed her lips as she thought of what to say next. Could she demand he tell her then and there? The answer was yes, she could. But she didn’t. Because the real question wasn’t if she could, it was if she should. If Juliet and whoever else didn’t know where she was already, it was only a matter of time before they did. 

“Alright… but once we get out of here you’re telling me everything, understood?” Jane pointed a stiff finger at him over the top of the datapad she held.

“You got it, boss. But… There might be a little problem.” Zach pulled his shoulders up high as he place his hands in his lab jacket and walk towards her offering a weak side smile.

“What kinda problem?” Jane asked as she crinkle her brow. When you were always expecting a problem, it was sort of hard to fake surprise.

“Well for starters, we don’t know where they picked you up from…” 

“I was taken from The Citadel. It shouldn’t be too hard to send me back there, I mean there is... only one… Citadel…” Jane started confidently and almost even sounded a little arrogant. But near the end, her voice began failing her when she realized what he really meant. “You mean where… in-in time, don’t you?”

Zach didn't answer her at first, but after a few seconds he nodded letting out a deep sigh, knowing exactly how this all must sound to her. “Yeah, I do... and Jane," He paused momentarily before walking towards her. "if the Rosalind left that- where you're from... I just. I'm not sure I know how to get you back where you belong… But I think I know where to start.”

“Well… we better get going then. Have you ever shot one of these?” Jane asked stepping closer to him, trying to convince herself this was just someone that looked like her old dead friend. That it couldn’t actually be Holden…

After a doleful nod, he answered quietly. “I have.”

“Have you ever killed someone?” Jane looked at his neck scar again as she wait for his reply. She half expected to see blood seeping from it, but to her surprise she was still free from the hallucinations... but not free of that face. Not free of the possibility. 

After another moment he nodded pulling his lip between his teeth before speaking. “I have.”

“I’m sorry.” Jane’s voice was quiet as she shift her gaze to those honeyed eyes for a moment before offering a kind smile and using a hand to signal forward. “Lead the way.”

Jane wasn’t sure she even believed any of it, but what choice did she have? She could either stumble around the concept and deny it or she could choose to believe it and go forward with what she did know. Granted, that wasn’t a lot. But at least she had somewhere to start and someone to help her. 

Even if that someone looked exactly like her dead best friend from 12 years ago… Her dead… whatever the hell he was to her. And in those few moments she follow closely beside him, she found herself wondering about this Zachary… 

Could this actually be… Holden some how?

 

————————————————————————————-

 

“Jane! I know you’re slinking around here somewhere… But I really think you aught to come out and play with us. Garrus and I are getting very bored without you…” Juliet’s voice echoed through the intercom. “Go on Garrus… Say hi won’t you, darling?” 

Silence.

“Shepard, get out now, she’s—“ Garrus’ familiar purr rushed through the system and Jane felt even ounce of her breach suck in like a vacuum.

It felt as if the hall which they walk had lost all pressure immediately. And for the longest of moments she couldn't make out anything around her... Jane was completely frozen in place, oblivious to the look her new companion sent her.

Juliet spoke again after a long deliberate chuckle as Garrus’ shouted though after her. “We'll see you soon, Janey.”

“I… did you hear that?” Jane’s voice was loud and rushed as she place her hands firmly around both of his biceps. “Did you…” 

She didn’t hold his gaze long, but he noticed how desperate the look in her eyes was and he so desperately wanted to help her. But what could he say? So he simply nodded after a moments hesitation as he lowered his eyes in regret.

“Sh… you heard…” Jane couldn’t bring herself to look at him when she asked... She felt like his eyes would tell her something she didn’t want to hear. But a few seconds later she slid them slowly to meet his asking what she really needed to know. “Y-you heard him?”

Zach nodded his head before he spoke under a deep furrowed brow. “Yeah.” 

“You’re sure? It was real?” Jane’s voice was more urgent this time as she eye the space behind her, still firmly holding his elbows in her hands. “I just… I don’t really know what's real anymore.”

“I can tell you one thing... this is a trap, Jane.” Zach signaled over his shoulder with a nod of his head. “I know who that was… She’s not going to let you leave.”

“I still have to go.” Jane moved her eyes from the hallway to meet his again as she ignore the feeling low in her gut, pushing away the thoughts of failure as they swam their sickly circles.

Jane knew he was right, of course it was a trap... She look to the worried eyes of this stranger with a friendly face and remembered the night he died... More accurately, the night Holden died. The night she was too young and afraid of death haunted her dreams almost every night since. Now as she stand with Zach in silence she wondered if things may end the same way...

No, Jane couldn't let it happen. She wouldn't. She would kill every person- Shell or otherwise on that ship if it meant saving Garrus' life, and she didn't know whether that scared her or not. What she did know was that she was willing to die this time... Maybe she even deserved death for all of her mistakes, but that was besides the point. Whether she deserved it or not didn't matter; what mattered was she was tired of running from her past. 

She was stronger now... and this time, she wouldn't lose the person she loved. At least not without a damn good fight.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This goes between Garrus PoV and Shepard's! This is an on going story and chapters increase in size as the story gets deeper. Also lots of original stuff thrown in there :) 
> 
> Currently up to date (8/1) :D Thanks again for reading!


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